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Original poster

Valentines Day - am I being a brat?

165 replies

MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 08:27

Hi, my other half and I have been together for a year and a half, and he didn't do anything for me for Valentines Day - well he got me a card. I've organised a night out for him and a stay in a hotel next week when we're both on leave plus activities over two days that I think he'll enjoy.

I was a bit upset about it and he said we'd agreed not to because we've just bought a new house and are buying things for it. I don't remember this agreement as Valentines is a pretty big deal to me?

I do think even though he didn't want to spend money, he could have done something - run me a bath, or cooked a meal or something. Bit nothing really really hurts. Also, he does have money for when he wants stuff like new trainers, he's spent a couple hundred on running trainers the other day, and tbh we're both on pretty good wages. So it feels like he just couldn't be arsed. I asked him and he said I was being a spoilt brat.

The nail in the coffin is that he has pictures of a previous relationship on fb with pics of him taking his ex to Prague. I got a card. I just feel so hurt. Am I being a brat and I just can't see it?

OP posts:
OneMoreTimeBaby · 15/02/2022 09:36

OP, please do as he suggests, get help! You need some support to see that he is not the man for you. Please confide in your family and friends and find ways to increase your confidence and self worth.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:36

Its not your job to run home and cook his dinner anyway! The fact he would cook for himself and leave you out says it all.

Again, he is an emotional abuser. Your relationship is abusive. You've only known this man a year. You've bought a house with him not even knowing who he is. He's now showing you who he is and that person is an abusive arsehole.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:36

@isthismylifenow twixes I meant to say

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:37

Can you confide in your family and friends? You need help and support. This relationship is not going to get better. This will be your life forever if you stay.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:38

@CrumpetStrumpet I'm not sure he's abusive, I just think he's used to being quite selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:40

@CrumpetStrumpet I don't want my family or friends to dislike him. They adore him. I'm quite sociable and he's such a good host with my friends. My family love him. I'm glad that they do, I just wish he was as wonderful when it's just us.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:42

@MollyMalone2801 He IS abusive. You may not want to see it but he is. He is calling you mental, telling you you need help for asking for the bare minimum from him, gaslighting you. These are all classic abusive tactics. He's not even imaginative.

Even if you prefer to think of it as just selfish then that doesn't make it any better. You deserve better than a selfish man who doesn't care about you. What are this guys good points? What makes you happy in your relationship?

You deserve to feel loved, valued and supported in your relationshipFlowers

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:42

@CrumpetStrumpet I just feel like it's my fault. Like if I get upset, then I'm the one in the wrong, but I don't think I am mental. Which is a pretty horrible term for him to use anyway.

OP posts:
tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 09:43

I think valentines is not a good barometer of a relationship- people are so so different. It's my first with my bf and I laid out in convo that actually I don't like it, I appreciate a card but I don't like anything else. Which is odd I suppose as I'm generally a very romantic person! He is the same so we did cards and that was it. Maybe it just doesn't mea the same to him?
What is your relationship usually like?

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 15/02/2022 09:43

There are two issues at play here the first is he sounds like a selfish dick, making himself dinner and not even asking you if you want to eat is not on. The second is you seem to show love with gifts and physical displays, not everyone does, personally it would be too much for me, and I'd find it suffocating especially if the expectation is that it's reciprocated in the same way. You need to be with someone who shows love in the way that makes you happy, you're not compatible.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 15/02/2022 09:44

He definitely shouldn't be calling you mental.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:44

@MollyMalone2801 They only adore his because you are hiding the real him from them. Which is another classic thing that woman is abusive relationships do. I used to hide my ex husbands bad behaviour for the very same reason. I get it. I really do but you cannot live your one precious life like this.

Your family and friends want you to be happy. Not living like this. I would be devastated if my daughter was in a relationship like this and not reaching out to me. I would want to help.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:47

Can people read the thread properly please.

The op has said her partner calls her mental and tells her she needs help. He is treating her awfully. People telling her she's unreasonable for wanting flowers on Valentines day aren't helping. You're just going to reinforce this ops mistaken belief that she's asking for too much.

layladomino · 15/02/2022 09:47

Alarm bells are ringing here.

He buys you twix as a 'treat' but you don't like them (does he know if you like them them or not / why haven't you told him you don't?)

He's pushing for a dog but you don't want one (there is only one answer here - if one person doesn't want a dog you don't get a dog. Not fair on the person who doesn't want one, or the dog).

He throws a party that you suspect he did for other people to admire him, rather than because you wanted one.

He cooks himself a meal but doesn't cook for you, even though you're in the house (that would be really bad on any day, let alone valentines).

He spends lots of money on himself, but (although he took an ex on a romantic valentines getaway) doesn't want to spend on you. Lots of people don't 'do valentines, which is fine, but he clearly 'did' in the past, and could afford to now. I can see why it would hurt that he didn't even cook for you on the day, when he cooked for himself.

Really concerning, he's telling you that you agreed to not buying for each other. You would clearly remember that. It suits him to convince you that you agreed to this. That way he's done nothing wrong. Gas lighting is very worrying.

He may 'just' be selfish - but why would you spend your life with someone so selfish? So thoughtless? So dismissive of what matters to you, and your feelings?

isthismylifenow · 15/02/2022 09:48

Is it too late to cancel the weekend?

And then see what his reaction is to that.

I do think that you have a lot to think about though Molly.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:54

@layladomino yeah, ue did tell me when we first got together that he was quite selfish but didn't want to be anymore. I feel like everything is OK as long as we do it his way. And most of the time I'm fine with that, but then if I act out (because of Valentines Day for instance) then I'm being unreasonable. But I think my feelings are valid. I didn't run in screaming and shouting to him. I was as calm as possible though I was upset and crying. He told me to shut up, and I asked him for basic respect, that I was brought up to speak in a way that I was happy for anyone at any time to hear , and tbf he did apologise for telling me to shut up then. But that is so strange. I don't think I've ever told anyone to shut up, particularly when they're explaining how they feel I didn't just attack him with 'you've not done this, you've not done that'.

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 15/02/2022 09:57

Two things:

Firstly, if one person is into Valentines and the big gestures and the other one isn’t then making a big effort for the one who is into it all is just show and meaningless anyway. people should do valentines because they want to, not because one or the other expects it.

I’ve never done valentines, think it’s a waste of money, and I refuse to make some kind of false gesture just because the person in my life might want that. It just seems toofake. So it’s something you likely need to agree on.

On the other hand however, this relationship has red flags all over it. You’re buying a house together after barely being together barely any time at all, he’s gaslighting you into thinking you had conversations you don’t remember, refuses to spend on you on the basis you’re buying a house together etc, and I suspect Valentines is just the catalyst which has brought everything to the surface.

I would seriously re-think all this before committing to buying a house with this man.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:58

But you shouldn't be fine with doing everything someone else's way. I don't even expect my three year old to do everything my way with no compromise. Nobody should have to live like that op. Even your turn of phrase is concerning "act out" You are not a toddler having a temper tantrum.

Of course your feelings are valid. However your partner does not see them as such. He just wants you to put up and shut up.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 10:00

It hurts to admit to myself but I think I'm being used. And I feel a bit worthless and humiliated. Like maybe I don't deserve someone being nice to me. I don't know.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 10:04

You deserve kindness and consideration as the bare minimum.

You will never get it from this man. Please show yourself the kindness he cannot and get away from himFlowers

The fact that he is using you is NO reflection on you. He is the one who should be ashamed. You cannot change such men. You can only protect yourself by getting the fuck away from them.

I would advise you download and read Lundy Bancrofts "Why does he do that" You will find your boyfriend in there. A million woman have been where you have. I have been one of them as well. Life can get better but only if you get away from this manFlowers

layladomino · 15/02/2022 10:05

You DO deserve someone being nice. You are clearly a decent and thoughful person. He however has admitted to you that he's selfish. And he's proving it to you again and again.

You raised, in a calm way, a perfectly valid concern and his response was to tell you to shut up?

You deserve better from a partner than he is willing to give. As you've said, he's fine while ever he's getting his own way. That isn't a good thing. Don't ever stay with someone who's only happy when they're getting their own way. You end up losing who you are and what you want, and sacrificing loads for someone else (who will never appreciate or acknowledge it).

You deserve better. And there are plenty of people out there who would be a better partner than him.

Also - people who are selfish tend to get worse with age, not better.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 15/02/2022 10:06

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CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 10:09

@PatientlyWaiting21 Have you even read the thread before adding your ill thought out comment?

layladomino · 15/02/2022 10:09

Just wanted to pick up, as pp did, on your turn of phrase 'act out'... I echo their comment. You aren't a toddler having a tantrum without cause or reason. You are a grown woman who knows her mind and is raising a perfectly valid concern / feeling. That isn't acting out. That is having a grown up conversation. But he is dismissing your feelings and wants so much that you've started de-valuing them yourself.

Please reclaim who you are before you go even further down this slippery slope. He won't change things, as he's happy - leading his selfish life, doing what he wants, trampling over what you want, dismissing your feelings. It's up to you to say 'enough' and to show him that you are worth so much more than he can (or is willing) to give.

notthemum · 15/02/2022 10:10

@girlmom21

What did you do for each other last valentines?

Why have you bought a house with someone when you're upset by what you did with his ex? You need to grow up fast if you're making such big commitments.

I think you've gone way OTT and he got you a card so unless you told him you wanted grand gestures I think you're being unfair.

This. Also you have only been together a year and a half ? You have just bought a house, that's quite a commitment. Maybe you should have made sure that you were on the same page regarding spending, 'special dates' and whether you could leave his past alone before you bought a home together. Why are you even looking at what he did with ex ? Were you expecting more than her ? Sorry but as above, you went way over the top and you adbu.