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Original poster

Valentines Day - am I being a brat?

165 replies

MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 08:27

Hi, my other half and I have been together for a year and a half, and he didn't do anything for me for Valentines Day - well he got me a card. I've organised a night out for him and a stay in a hotel next week when we're both on leave plus activities over two days that I think he'll enjoy.

I was a bit upset about it and he said we'd agreed not to because we've just bought a new house and are buying things for it. I don't remember this agreement as Valentines is a pretty big deal to me?

I do think even though he didn't want to spend money, he could have done something - run me a bath, or cooked a meal or something. Bit nothing really really hurts. Also, he does have money for when he wants stuff like new trainers, he's spent a couple hundred on running trainers the other day, and tbh we're both on pretty good wages. So it feels like he just couldn't be arsed. I asked him and he said I was being a spoilt brat.

The nail in the coffin is that he has pictures of a previous relationship on fb with pics of him taking his ex to Prague. I got a card. I just feel so hurt. Am I being a brat and I just can't see it?

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 15/02/2022 10:48

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP. This is terribly sad.

In any relationship you are going to eventually have conflict. Two different people won't agree on every single thing all the time, and as a matter of fact that's healthy and normal.

So it's essential in a good, healthy relationship to be able to handle conflict.

That means it's NOT a good, healthy relationship if conflict is simply avoided by one person always getting their way and the other person denying their own needs in order to avoid upsetting them.

This will eventually tear your marriage apart ... which is better in the long run as this man sounds like a nightmare. Any partner who tells you to shut up, calls you mental or a spoiled brat, makes up conversations you don't remember, and does so little to make you feel special or valued is NOT a good person to be with; he will erode your self-esteem and make you feel like you are going crazy.

Please try not to think of yourself as stupid. Lots of us have been there with you and made poor choices about who to marry ... it doesn't mean we're stupid, it just means we were doing the best we could with the knowledge and tools we had at the time.

The good news is that you CAN learn to have higher self-esteem, better boundaries, and higher standards for yourself, and to learn to choose relationships that support that, rather than grind it down. But you have to choose to learn that.

I found individual counselling (I went to Relate) helped me a lot, as did talking to Women's Aid. And doing lots of reading around dysfunctional and abusive relationships (including on Mumsnet) and eventually talking to friends and family about what I was experiencing.

Big hugs, I hope you can find the support you need.

ChickenStripper · 15/02/2022 10:51

This is why you need to double check about things ( otherwise everyone starts saying he is gaslighting you 🙄) . If you know you want x. y or z then make it clear whether it is Christmas, birthday, whatever if it is so important for you . Your Valentines fiesta is a bit OTT.

Juliauns91 · 15/02/2022 10:53

[quote MollyMalone2801]@FreedomforWA not really no. He says he's making a bigger commitment to me by buying a house with me and we're getting a dog together. His choice really, I like travelling so I'm a bit worried about that.[/quote]
It's not a commitment getting a mortgage with you - HIs commitment is to the BANK

ChickenStripper · 15/02/2022 10:55

@MollyMalone2801

I kind of wish he could come on here and give you all his pov. I don't want to think anything bad about him, and I'd love him to have perfectly valid reasons why I'm seeing him as unromantic. I want him to just explain and make me feel better. Nut he jist gets angry when I ask. I feel like he could make these bad feeling disappear in an instant. We've been together a year and a half and I've never met a single one of his friends. Not one. So I thought he might put a pic of me on social media as all his friends are in Bristol where he used to live. But when he changed his pic on fb, he changed it to just one of him, from a time when he and I were out kayaking. God, this sounds so weird, and I would never say this to my friends becasue I just feel silly. But it felt weird. Like he's ashamed of me or something. It was his birthday, and I said, tell me how to contact your friends and I'll organise something. He said oh can't we go out on a night out with your friends and just not tell them it's my birthday, and I laughed it off and sadi that was a bit weird. But is he just trying to hide his friends from me or something. Who goes out on a night out with people they don't know for their birthday? I just feel he must be ashamed of me.
Now this is something else.
SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 15/02/2022 10:58

What is your relationship usually like?

Hopefully for OP, "over" should cover it.

CPL593H · 15/02/2022 10:59

The beginning of a relationship doesn't have to be a Disney idyll, but it does have to be OK. This is the foundation and reference point for the times ahead. If you are being treated in a way unacceptable to you and your feelings disregarded/minimised at this early stage, it is very, very unlikely it will improve.

There sounds like a big element of taking you for granted which shouldn't happen ever, but really not after 18 months. You say you adore him, but it is not really enough, especially when evidence it is reciprocated is lacking.

Takethecake0 · 15/02/2022 11:05

Have you met anyone who is in his life? Family, colleagues?

I find that quite unusual if he is as social as you say and you have bought a house together.

I think that you deserve to be treated better than this. At the very least, stop spending your money on him and spoiling him, focus on yourself and what you want.

Qwill · 15/02/2022 11:07

It sounds like you both want completely different things. He’s happy with his life at the moment and you’re not. Neither of you sounds wrong and it’s not helpful to view it like that. Think about the things you want from a relationship and if it’s flowers, cards meals out etc., then this doesn’t sound like the relationship for you. At 40, you’ve plenty of time to meet someone new, don’t put up with something just because you’ve bought a house together.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 11:10

@ChickenStripper yeah, I didn't want to give out demands or anything, I suppose I just wanted to feel a little bit special on the day. Seriously, running a bath and making me a cup of tea would have been wonderful. And more than enough. I'm only comparing to his ex because the juxtaposition is so stark.

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 11:12

@Takethecake0 I find it weird too. I'm very sociable and always have friends at my house. And he loves it. But only with my friends, never enough to invite his friends around. Like I'm some sort of secret or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 11:15

@Qwill yeah, there may just be some difference in expectation. I love romance, its important to me. But I understand for some people it's not. I just feel like he was romantic with his ex though, so he can be romantic.

OP posts:
Queenkarm · 15/02/2022 11:16

Op you get told to shut up and that you are mental and that you have forgotten a conversation about VD that is important to you so clearly you would remember that and he cooks himself a meal and not anything for you jeez that is so awful especially on VD. You also state he spends money on himself and he is selfish. Just ask yourself what exactly do you see in him and answer that question honestly. You deserve so much better than this. Please op do not let him treat you like this there are so many red flags here.

Opentooffers · 15/02/2022 11:20

You're a tad extreme with valentine's - giving friends cards on when single Grin.
However, I think you moved in with him too soon and you are just finding out that he's a different person behind closed doors than he is when others are around.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 11:21

@Opentooffers maybe, I just love love.

OP posts:
Qwill · 15/02/2022 11:23

You don’t know he was romantic with his ex though. Going on holiday isn’t necessarily romantic, romance means different things to different people. Some people show their love in different ways, sometimes the over the top gestures are just for show and don’t mean anything.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 11:25

@Qwill I have thought that too, that maybe it was just for show. But I wish he'd explain that to me.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/02/2022 11:33

You have been together for just over a year? For all we know he could have been with his ex for 10 years, thats a lot more valentines to do stuff.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 11:34

@ZeroFuchsGiven he was with her for two years

OP posts:
Queenkarm · 15/02/2022 11:36

Op is he married? Just seems so strange he has never introduced you to his friends or maybe he has something else to hide. He may not be ashamed of you but it seems he is hiding you for some reason

CousinKrispy · 15/02/2022 11:37

You seem very focused on the Valentine's Day thing, which is understandable, as it's hurt you.

But I think it would benefit you a lot to step back and look at the relationship as a whole. It sounds as though the VD behaviour is part of a larger pattern, rather than a one-off "He's just not that into VD and you didn't communicate your desires for it adequately" kind of thing.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 11:38

@Queenkarm no, he works from home and is there all the time really. We spend a lot of time together. Tbh honest I don't know whether he is hiding me from his friends or whether he doesn't have any friends at all. Both of which worry me.

OP posts:
Juliauns91 · 15/02/2022 11:39

@MollyMalone2801

I kind of wish he could come on here and give you all his pov. I don't want to think anything bad about him, and I'd love him to have perfectly valid reasons why I'm seeing him as unromantic. I want him to just explain and make me feel better. Nut he jist gets angry when I ask. I feel like he could make these bad feeling disappear in an instant. We've been together a year and a half and I've never met a single one of his friends. Not one. So I thought he might put a pic of me on social media as all his friends are in Bristol where he used to live. But when he changed his pic on fb, he changed it to just one of him, from a time when he and I were out kayaking. God, this sounds so weird, and I would never say this to my friends becasue I just feel silly. But it felt weird. Like he's ashamed of me or something. It was his birthday, and I said, tell me how to contact your friends and I'll organise something. He said oh can't we go out on a night out with your friends and just not tell them it's my birthday, and I laughed it off and sadi that was a bit weird. But is he just trying to hide his friends from me or something. Who goes out on a night out with people they don't know for their birthday? I just feel he must be ashamed of me.
Your posts are very revealing!

He does not love you - at all.
He does not like you much
He does not respect you at all.

I am worried for you - where are the people in your life to tell you straight about the terrible pain you are lining up in the future? If you ever get ill. If when you hit the menopause, it knocks you sideways for 5 years. Bereavement. Unemployment. You don't know a person at all until you have been through thesse things with them and seen who they really are.

However, we can all see who your boyfriend is (he's not a partner).
He is absolutely using you and can't even be bothered to hide it.
I would pull out of buying a house with him and finish with him.
It sounds like you are nest building and want a baby (consciously or not) and hoping this man would do. No, he won't do at all.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/02/2022 11:40

Never a good idea to buy property with someone you've been with such a short period of time.
Can you get out of it or is it too late?

Loopytiles · 15/02/2022 11:47

It was a big mistake to buy a property with him. Hope you have a good legal agreement in place.

Do NOT get a dog with him.

Stop spending your money on him.

He is treating you badly, at best.

MrsNacho · 15/02/2022 11:48

I strongly suspect his Ex took him away, not the other way round.

Is this your first valentines together? How long ago was his trip with the ex?