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Original poster

Valentines Day - am I being a brat?

165 replies

MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 08:27

Hi, my other half and I have been together for a year and a half, and he didn't do anything for me for Valentines Day - well he got me a card. I've organised a night out for him and a stay in a hotel next week when we're both on leave plus activities over two days that I think he'll enjoy.

I was a bit upset about it and he said we'd agreed not to because we've just bought a new house and are buying things for it. I don't remember this agreement as Valentines is a pretty big deal to me?

I do think even though he didn't want to spend money, he could have done something - run me a bath, or cooked a meal or something. Bit nothing really really hurts. Also, he does have money for when he wants stuff like new trainers, he's spent a couple hundred on running trainers the other day, and tbh we're both on pretty good wages. So it feels like he just couldn't be arsed. I asked him and he said I was being a spoilt brat.

The nail in the coffin is that he has pictures of a previous relationship on fb with pics of him taking his ex to Prague. I got a card. I just feel so hurt. Am I being a brat and I just can't see it?

OP posts:
layladomino · 15/02/2022 10:10

@PatientlyWaiting21 Please read the full thread. This isn't about Valentines.

NYnewstart · 15/02/2022 10:11

So you generally go along with what he wants but the moment you express how you would like things, he tells you to shut up, are mental and are a spoiled brat.

Can you see how wrong this is?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 15/02/2022 10:11

@CrumpetStrumpet nope and have no intentions of doing so, if there’s information to be shared put it in the original post 😄

NYnewstart · 15/02/2022 10:13

The ex and Prague didn’t upset the op, it’s she’s just commenting on it now as a comparison!

isthismylifenow · 15/02/2022 10:13

Sorry but as above, you went way over the top and you adbu

Notthemum, this is the relationships board. This is not AIBU.

layladomino · 15/02/2022 10:14

@PatientlyWaiting21 there was enough information in the first post to see that this was potentially an abusive relationship and therefore care should be taken before sending a flippant response (which could encourage someone in an abusive relationship to stay).

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 10:15

@notthemum thanks for your feedback, I don't know what I expected really. I didn't have anything specific in mind, just open minded. His Valentines trip with his ex is the first thing on his fb wall. So I guess the last thing he posted in 2018 or 2019. He comments on other peoples fb but doesn't post much, so it's right there in my face really. It has all moved a little quicker than I would have wanted but he found a lovely house being built, and it just sounded so good. And I do adore him. So most of the time aim happy for him to do whatever. I just thought he might just do something loving towards me for Valentines Day, it feels like he is only loving towards me when other people are there, and that's the person I'm always trying to have.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 15/02/2022 10:16

[quote PatientlyWaiting21]@CrumpetStrumpet nope and have no intentions of doing so, if there’s information to be shared put it in the original post 😄[/quote]
FGS.

notapizzaeater · 15/02/2022 10:17

Valentines aside, he's not treating you very well at all. It wouldn't have hurt to cook your tea when you got in from work, make you a drink etc. you need to value yourself more !

Onelifeonly · 15/02/2022 10:19

This doesn't sound right to me. Of course you didnt have a mutual conversation about not marking VD. You WOULD remember it because it means a lot to you. And even if you have gone OTT in his eyes, a loving partner would run with it and try to make it up to you, especially so early in the relationship. (Longer term a couple will work out a compromise that works for both). As you say it can't be about the money, as he is happy to spend when he chooses to.

This thread isn't about VD as some seem to think, but about your unease within the relationship. He may be abusive, he is certainly not considerate. Whatever, it doesn't sound as if you are compatible. Have you been ignoring niggling doubts all along? It does look as if you may have rushed into things - even in my 20s, without the benefit of any online advice(!), I wouldn't have regarded a year as that long in the process of getting to know someone.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 10:23

@NYnewstart yeah, the posts didn't bother me until they became juxtaposed with my own experience.

OP posts:
DiscordandRhyme · 15/02/2022 10:27

He sounds like a narcissist to be honest.

Charming at first / superficially charming to others

They always being the conversation back on to them
They lack empathy
They don't have many long term friends / have acquaintances but not close friends
They pick on you / minimise your feelings
They gaslight you - this means they make you feel like you're crazy often by fictionalising conversations or denying ones that happened, making you feel you read them wrong etc

• You no longer feel like the person you used to
be. • You feel more anxious and less confident than
you used to be. • You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive. • You feel like everything you do is wrong. • You always think it’s your fault when things go
wrong. • You’re apologizing often. • You have a sense that something’s wrong, but
aren’t able to identify what it is. • You often question whether your response to your
partner is appropriate • You make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

These are a few things but much more a narc does. I highlighted the things you've indicated are true by holding them.

Is it too late to pull out of buying?

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 10:28

You adore him? What about him do you adore?

Holidays with ex girlfriends and valentines gifts are red herrings here. Please think about why in general you think you deserve so little in your relationship.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 10:28

@Onelifeonly uneasy feels like the right word. I asked him why he was with me, what was it he actually liked, and he said its because most of the time (when not being mental apparently) I'm kind and treat him really well. That felt a bit flat to me, that's not about me but about himself and the way he's treated.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 15/02/2022 10:30

You both need to adore each other for a relationship to work. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because you feel a certain way that you can save things.
Look ahead. How will you feel in another 5 years with 5 more VDs behind you where you have been made to feel worthless and insignificant.

💐 to you

DiscordandRhyme · 15/02/2022 10:31

[quote MollyMalone2801]@Onelifeonly uneasy feels like the right word. I asked him why he was with me, what was it he actually liked, and he said its because most of the time (when not being mental apparently) I'm kind and treat him really well. That felt a bit flat to me, that's not about me but about himself and the way he's treated.[/quote]
Very self centred response.

Even if you're talking about yourself you'd say 'I love you because you make me smile every day' or I care about you because you're always here for me' not just you're kind.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 10:32

@MollyMalone2801 Because is is just about the way you make him feel. You are there to make his life nicer and to put up and shut up. He doesn't even feel ashamed to admit that to you.

I'll keep saying it. You deserve better.

I went to marriage counselling with my ex husband. The counsellor asked him why he fell in love with me and he told her it was because I made him feel good. Nothing about me as a person as at. I still cringe at the memory three years later. Get out before you become me.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 15/02/2022 10:32

OMG. You've only been together a year?? It's still your honeymoon period? You should be shagging every night, madly in love, being the best version of yourself, put the other person first every time.

Your p is not doing this.

You deserve better. Things are not going to improve from here: they will only get worse.

But telling you to shut up and gaslighting you after a year??? No way. I would not accept that.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 10:33

@CrumpetStrumpet I adore the kind way he is with me when we're all out together. He can be very funny, and very good fun. He's very capable and he does make me feel safe most of the time.

I feel like it's my fault, that I've somehow given myself too easily - as he worked harder when we were first together. But now I'm someone who can be taken for granted.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 15/02/2022 10:35

He took his ex to Prague. He bought a house with you 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 10:41

I kind of wish he could come on here and give you all his pov. I don't want to think anything bad about him, and I'd love him to have perfectly valid reasons why I'm seeing him as unromantic. I want him to just explain and make me feel better. Nut he jist gets angry when I ask. I feel like he could make these bad feeling disappear in an instant. We've been together a year and a half and I've never met a single one of his friends. Not one. So I thought he might put a pic of me on social media as all his friends are in Bristol where he used to live. But when he changed his pic on fb, he changed it to just one of him, from a time when he and I were out kayaking. God, this sounds so weird, and I would never say this to my friends becasue I just feel silly. But it felt weird. Like he's ashamed of me or something. It was his birthday, and I said, tell me how to contact your friends and I'll organise something. He said oh can't we go out on a night out with your friends and just not tell them it's my birthday, and I laughed it off and sadi that was a bit weird. But is he just trying to hide his friends from me or something. Who goes out on a night out with people they don't know for their birthday? I just feel he must be ashamed of me.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 10:42

@MollyMalone2801 The person he is when you are with other people isn't the real him. It's a projection that he likes to show others. The real him is the man you get behind closed doors.

It is NOT your fault. He worked harder because he was trying to suck you in. I will say it again but that is a classic abusive man tactic. Now he has you where he wants you (confused, upset and doubting your own mind) and he doesn't have to bother anymore.

Please please read "why does he do that" It will open your eyes so much. None of this is your fault. None of itFlowers

Juliauns91 · 15/02/2022 10:42

[quote MollyMalone2801]**@Qwill* yeah maybe. I just spoil him so often, all the time, not just for Valentines. And he says, well obviously I care about you, we've bought a house together, and I think, yeah but you wouldn't be able to get a house like this one without my money. S*t, did I just say that?[/quote]
Why would you "Spoil him so often"? He's 42 year old grown man, not your child. Spoiling and pandering to men doesn't make them love you more - quite the opposite. If you ever get in a financial situation where you can no longer "spoil" him, he will get very resentful.

Relationship sounds extremely one-sided.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 10:46

But he isn't going to explain and make you feel better. That isn't in his interests. He wants you to feel on the back foot and like you are in the wrong. It best serves his primary interest...himself.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 10:47

@Juliauns91 At best men become entitled when you spoil them all the time and at worst they become resentfulSad