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Original poster

Valentines Day - am I being a brat?

165 replies

MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 08:27

Hi, my other half and I have been together for a year and a half, and he didn't do anything for me for Valentines Day - well he got me a card. I've organised a night out for him and a stay in a hotel next week when we're both on leave plus activities over two days that I think he'll enjoy.

I was a bit upset about it and he said we'd agreed not to because we've just bought a new house and are buying things for it. I don't remember this agreement as Valentines is a pretty big deal to me?

I do think even though he didn't want to spend money, he could have done something - run me a bath, or cooked a meal or something. Bit nothing really really hurts. Also, he does have money for when he wants stuff like new trainers, he's spent a couple hundred on running trainers the other day, and tbh we're both on pretty good wages. So it feels like he just couldn't be arsed. I asked him and he said I was being a spoilt brat.

The nail in the coffin is that he has pictures of a previous relationship on fb with pics of him taking his ex to Prague. I got a card. I just feel so hurt. Am I being a brat and I just can't see it?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 15/02/2022 09:04

[quote MollyMalone2801]**@Qwill* yeah maybe. I just spoil him so often, all the time, not just for Valentines. And he says, well obviously I care about you, we've bought a house together, and I think, yeah but you wouldn't be able to get a house like this one without my money. S*t, did I just say that?[/quote]
MollyMalone, have a think about what other things you have brushed under the carpet.

I also think you will have remembered a conversation if Valentines Day is this important to you.

How often does he spoil you?

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:04

@WTF475878237NC tbh, I sort of suspect he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:06

@isthismylifenow he did for my birthday, but I don't know if just becasue I feel like crap today, but I felt like he did that for my friends really as I had a party and he just looked wonderful to them. It felt like it was a gesture to my friends rather than me

OP posts:
OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 09:08

@MollyMalone2801

I take that on board, thank you. 😔 I didn't worry about what he'd done with his ex until it was placed in stark contrast with what he did with me. But I get it, maybe you're right there.

I was just a bit down that he'd drop £500 on a couple of pairs of trainers but not even a fiver on some lilies from Tesco.

Lilies are for when someone dies.

Did you mean roses?

Woodswoman · 15/02/2022 09:09

If you know that you wouldn’t have agreed on buying things for the house instead of celebrating Valentines Day, that means he’s lying to you. Which ought to be what worries you here. And if you think he isn’t that bothered about you, or is with you to help him have a better house without the money to do it himself, and is a liar, personally I’d be looking at ways to get out of the deal and get as much of my money back as possible.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:09

@FreedomforWA not really no. He says he's making a bigger commitment to me by buying a house with me and we're getting a dog together. His choice really, I like travelling so I'm a bit worried about that.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/02/2022 09:10

[quote MollyMalone2801]@FreedomforWA not really no. He says he's making a bigger commitment to me by buying a house with me and we're getting a dog together. His choice really, I like travelling so I'm a bit worried about that.[/quote]
Don't get a dog if it'll impact your freedom.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:11

@OnlyAFleshWound maybe. Just anything really. He sometimes buys me a twix and says that means love because we saw someone doing it on a TV programme once. I don't actually like them but I always thought that was quite sweet.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 15/02/2022 09:13

Lillies are for when someone dies

Really? I buy lillies for myself all the time.....

(Sorry OP, bit of a derail there)

I would suggest you take on board why you are feeling like you are today. Are you sure it is only because of this one incident yesterday? Imo, I think there is more to it than you feeling like you are being a brat.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:15

@isthismylifenow I'm just not sure that he loves me, or if he's with me becasue we can afford a comfortable lifestyle together. I have some deep seated issues about feeling used though so tbf, it might be in my own head

OP posts:
UserPotato · 15/02/2022 09:16

*Lilies are for when someone dies.

Did you mean roses?*

a) 🙄

b) the romans used lilies as a symbol that they wanted to fuck someone. Maybe the OP is just more intelligent and less generic than you.

c) maybe she likes lilies more than roses.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:20

Why are you spoiling a man who thinks buying you a twix is a grand gesture of his feelings?

Why are you buying a house with a man who niether makes you feel valued or loved? Both those things are the bare minimum in a relationship. This man doesn't make you happy. This relationship doesn't make you happy.

Posts like yours break my heart. Women wondering If they are unreasonable for expecting the bare minimum in a relationship. When did the tables turn so much? Why are men who bring nothing to the table getting the king treatment? Do not give him his valentines treats. He doesn't deserve them. In fact he doesn't deserve you full stop op.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:22

Oh and there's nothing sweet about buying you a chocolate bar you don't even like. Have you told him you don't like twixes? Because if you have and he continues to get them then that just shows you little he cares about when the smallest details about you.

Raise your bar op. You deserve more than his crumbs...

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:23

@CrumpetStrumpet that's what I'm thinking now. I just feel unvalued. Buy a house, pay for the car, buy a dog, just paying out all the time but nothing back. I can't even sleep at the moment. I just want a cuddle so I can relax and sleep but he says he gets too hot in the night to cuddle me

OP posts:
Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 09:25

[quote MollyMalone2801]**@Qwill* yeah maybe. I just spoil him so often, all the time, not just for Valentines. And he says, well obviously I care about you, we've bought a house together, and I think, yeah but you wouldn't be able to get a house like this one without my money. S*t, did I just say that?[/quote]
He only ‘cares’ about you? There you have it. You’ve got yourself a glorified cock lodger. What’s he adding to your life other than being able to say you have a man? More problems here than misaligned valentines expectations

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:26

@CrumpetStrumpet he says I mental for making comparisons but it's hard not to when they're right there in front of me. He told me to get help for my issues, and now I completely doubt myself but I genuinely don't think I'm being unreasonable. It's not like he isn't romantic, I've seen him being romantic to his ex. Just not to me.

OP posts:
UserPotato · 15/02/2022 09:28

Raise your bar op. You deserve more than his crumbs...
I can't tell if this is Twix related humour or not!

I don't think the way you are feeling is in anyway unreasonable and it's not really Valentines related either. He is not treating you very well at any time. Apart from when he can show off about it to other people.

isthismylifenow · 15/02/2022 09:30

Just as an aside OP.

Around 18 months in a relationship is the good mark of whether it will work out or not.

It is thought that someone can live under a cover for around that length of time.

How long did you know each other when you moved in together?

Ratherdogsthanpeople · 15/02/2022 09:30

You don’t sound compatible. At all.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:30

@UserPotato that's what it feels like tbh.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:31

@MollyMalone2801 He tells you you're mental and says you need help? This man is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. You are in an abusive relationship. Your issues run far deeper than valentines gifts. Your instincts are telling you this man doesn't care about you and you are right. Please please leave him. He's abusing youFlowers

SpatulaSpoon · 15/02/2022 09:31

OP - is it a year and a half in TOTAL you've been together?? If so, that's way too quick to be buying a house with someone.
Have you got the deeds drawn up so if you've put in more money you get more back? Or did you both put in equal amounts and pay the mortage equally?

If you've only been together a short while, a card only is fucking shit imo.

What has happened on your previous valentines?

I would be looking at all aspects of your relationship tbh but also calmly tell him, going forward you would appreciate far more effort on special occasions as that is something that's important to you.

Also, please don't buy a dog!!!

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 15/02/2022 09:32

I don’t think calling your partner a ‘spoiled brat’ is very nice. It’s an insult, and a pointed one at that.

In fact it sounds like he’s doing that awful “negging” thing, the version where a man knows full well what you’re like - foibles and all - and then you move in together and create joint commitments, and he starts complaining about … what you’re like.

You then wonder if you should “compromise” (ie change) because it’s too complicated to unpick all the joint responsibilities and the shared house situation.

Be careful, OP. Trust your instincts. You already sound rather unhappy.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 09:32

@UserPotato inadvertent humour but it still stands.

I think the op last post tells us all we need to knowSad

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 09:34

@isthismylifenow over a year, we've only just moved in really. He's been spending like Rockefeller on his running stuff, but nothing for Valentines Day, not even doing something nice. I worked late last night, so I couldn't cook his dinner. When I got in, I went for a bath, and he cooked himself something, but didn't even ask me. He could have cooked for me and I would have Neen grateful. Jesus, I've been grateful for twice, which now I think about it is actually a bit shit.

OP posts: