What do men actually find attractive about women?

[kellyspark]

After being divorced after a long marriage (adultery, his) I have started to cotton onto the fact that a lot of men like certain attributes about women that are quite surprising to me.
In a sporting hobby, some men have shown interest in me - flirting - but I wasn't ready for dating, so have treated them more like mates. This seems to have increased their attention, so I infer that they either like the chase, or they cannot figure out why I'm not flirting back and want to find out why I'm not.
Another thing seems to be that men don't automatically go for the most glamourous looking woman in a group. I'm still trying to figure that one out, but wondering if men worry about women being 'high maintenance' or maybe they think glam women are out of their league?

Perhaps it is the lesser attractive/successful/rebellious cohort who widens their world view and includes other types. There are not enough petite, intelligent blondes to go around everyone who feels they deserve one ! Or others may be less visual or have had a bad experience of a woman who did conform to the stereotype so has made a deliberate choice to reject it.

@5128gap

My post was entirely serious chestofdraws. Even if it's not reflective of 7 of the 8 men you know, surely you must recognise it from the wider world outside of your friendship group; as reflected in the media and often in the choices of high profile, affluent men with the ability to choose? Footballers, celebrities, world leaders? And of course there will be exceptions, but when considering trends, no other female 'type' seems to have such widespread popularity.

Out of interest, do you think women have a type? Do you think the “Tall dark & Handsome” kind of Mr Darcy type is a truism for women as it does seems to the same kind of wide spread popularity and recognition?

I always get confused when people say men are visual creatures because, if they are - speaking generally here of course - why does it seem to only apply to women and not other areas of life like home decor and clothes, decorating cakes etc?

Not so “visual” when it comes to seeing dust, huh ?

@Temporaryrespite

I always get confused when people say men are visual creatures because, if they are - speaking generally here of course - why does it seem to only apply to women and not other areas of life like home decor and clothes, decorating cakes etc?

It does seem to primarily apply to women. It is odd.

Women pretty universally like tall men and confidence, even if they're partner doesn't have those attributes and they use some discernment.

In the same way you won't find many men actively turned off by cue ones, you won't find many women actively turned off by a man being tall and confident.

I don't even think it's offensive to be honest and say like @5128gap, there are things that are prized in society. I have some of those things and not others, it's just life.

I have only ever gone for tall, dark, older men. I have never found obviously handsome men attractive. I don't really care about confidence but I would never have dated an unsuccessful/uneducated/uncultured man.

@Soffit

I have only ever gone for tall, dark, older men. I have never found obviously handsome men attractive. I don't really care about confidence but I would never have dated an unsuccessful/uneducated/uncultured man.

........ so money then !.

Do I think women have a type? To some extent yes. The bias towards tall men is well known, and I suppose most women would prefer a man who was easy on the eye than not. I think overall though women seem less preoccupied with it, and I think are attracted to a wider range of looks. For every woman who wants an extremely masculine type look, there will be a woman who wants the opposite. Which I think can be tied up with ideas of male strength and physical power, and how desirable or not we find it.

Pyewhacket - well, no less than I have in my own right. The cocklodger situation sounds like the worst of all possible worlds. As a former model, I have always had a fair amount of choice.
I have always avoided the big, rugged rugby types though. I don't see them as sentient beings. I like the sleek, distinguished types but you usually find them living in fashionable parts of Manhattan rather than in villagey parts of London.

I also think that as women we often have no choice but to prioritise things other than a man's looks. If we pick a wrong un because we've looked no further than his appearance, the consequences for us are likely to be a lot more of an issue than for a man who picks an attractive woman he later tires of.

Just asked my DH (40 years together) and he said Kindness first and then a Free Spirit.

The fact that you're female will do it in the majority of cases.

I always think that most people would sleep with most people if they spent enough time with them. Initial attraction for sex is so very different from establishing a relationship for sex.

If you like someone enough to chat to them, you've got that bond and you're more than halfway there.

Reminds me of Nena of 99 balloons fame.

Not forgetting the hairy armpits infamy.

I always think that most people would sleep with most people if they spent enough time with them.

I'm less sure about that. I've slept with men I wouldn't want to have an actual relationship with, and I've met met I get on well with, but definitely don't want to sleep with.

I mostly like men to be my age or a bit older, quite fit - I prefer lean muscle more than bulk, so a runner rather than a weight lifter. I like them to be a bit taller than me. I tend not to wear heels, but if I'm in a slight heel, I'd still rather they were at least my height, and preferably taller. Smiley eyes are good. But you can find someone who ticks all your physical boxes and they still leave you cold. That's where kindness, values, education and intelligence count.

(And if someone recognises how the gender pay gap works or that women are less likely to work in IT because there are barriers influencing their choice, then that can get really quite hit, and thank you to all the women in his past who educated him. Now can you just get him to realise that distance need not be such a problem, especially now that countries are dropping travel restrictions...)

Yes people on Mumsnet think that life should be fair and that men are attracted to woman for their good qualities such as warmth or confidence or some sort of innate goodness. The thing is that wishing doesn't make it so. Men at least initially tend to sense innate goodness in young women who are slim and conventionally attractive. I think women generally prefer tall types with a good head of hair and that's just as shallow. Personally I was impressed with my husband's almost straight A degree.

I have known a few outliers though. I know of at least one short man who has no shortage of good quality female attention. Women make utter fools of themselves over him and he doesn't encourage it in any way. In fact, he has a male partner. I have known a few similar women who did seem to attract far more attention than their looks would seem to warrant. I think those people have some kind of charm or charisma but it's a fairly rare thing.

wasn't ready for dating, so have treated them more like mates. This seems to have increased their attention, so I infer that they either like the chase, or they cannot figure out why I'm not flirting back and want to find out why I'm not.
Or maybe they basically just want someone like their mates, but female. Or maybe you come across as the opposite of "needy" - totally laid back about attracting people, suggesting you might be very popular. Not caring can be very attractive in either sex.

Why aim to analyse men? Theyre all different you cant generalise as to what they like. Its just speculation.

Women pretty universally like tall men and confidence

No. Im not particularly attracted to 6 footers. My height (5'7") or slightly shorter, or slightly taller. Good looking. Even disposition, non-sexist, zest for life. Not preoccupied vwith being uber-masculine.

We are all different. Same goes for men.

My hubby was attracted to me because I didn’t wear too much make up (high maintenance in his book), looked slim, fit and healthy, then when he got talking to me realised we had a few interests in common and witty sense of humour with loads of one liners. But all men are different, some go for the eye candy, some don’t. In my experience having the same values is the most important thing.

@5128gap Agree that a lot of men may want a small blonde but to answer your question, yes I have heard of a man who does not like a petite blonde woman...my DH....although I suppose just a different side of things his type is curly hair, not blonde, and more curvy than too petite size 10-14 but strong.

However, there are men and women out there for everyone I hope.

@5128gap

I also think that as women we often have no choice but to prioritise things other than a man's looks. If we pick a wrong un because we've looked no further than his appearance, the consequences for us are likely to be a lot more of an issue than for a man who picks an attractive woman he later tires of.

Agree with this statement - women tend to come off worse in poor relationships (Mat leave, less money, out of work or part time work impacting on finance or career/physical harm from pregnancy/childbirth or DV etc) so we've had to often look for factors that ensure happy/healthy longevity

In real life I’ve noticed that women often end up with men less attractive than they are, but rarely the other way round.

It’s made me think that men primarily value looks.

@TedsTortoise

In real life I’ve noticed that women often end up with men less attractive than they are, but rarely the other way round.

It’s made me think that men primarily value looks.

I actually think that's also because women are more likely to settle.

This is way to complex of a subject to boil down into a thread.

The first thing though is that I would challenge the notion that men and women are significantly different at least as far as initial attraction goes. I don't believe they are. Sure, individuals vary, but as far as groups go, there are certain physical characteristics that the majority find appealing over others. Case in point, this going thread...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4480444-dating-someone-shorter-than-you

The mass appeal of certain traits is what is behind the idea of "conventionally attractive" for both men and women. That is not to say that every individual will find the traits attractive, but the majority will, both men and women. That is the reason behind celebrity professions that physical image is the primary factor present a relatively narrow set of physical traits for both men and women, unless the role requires something different.

Which then leads to an ever branching set of questions such as are we talking about attractiveness within the confines of a relationship, sexual fling, just looking at from a distance? Attractiveness is situational, and an individuals answers to those kinds of things are often different based on the situation. For example, the rock star that many women find over the top attractive, would line up to have sex with, or at least say they would, but would never consider being married to.