Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

@bedheadedzombie

But is tge surgery really such a big risk though? They won't do it if he isn't healthy enough.

People who've given an organ are considered vulnerable to Covid aren't they? Would that mean DH and maybe even the whole family would have to shelter? Then obviously there's always the worry about something happening to the remaining kidney.

@lonelySam

I would offer an organ to my niece and I would divorce my partner if they opposed it.

Same.

His body. His choice.

I would expect him to have the conversation with me but I would tell him that ultimately it was his decision and I wouldn't stand in his way and I would expect the same from him if roles were reversed.

I would offer to give one of DH's niece or nephews a kidney of mine if I was for some reason a match when direct family were not.

You sound jealous

@emsmar

You sound jealous

Jealous of what? Life threatening illness? Don't be so bloody ridiculous!

I have 3 young children too, I'd be furious if my husband did this. If it was your own child you'd do it without thinking but for an adult relative when you have your own young children, it's harsh but your own family comes first. If your children were adults themselves that'd be different but this has risks and potential implications for your own young children.

I would be proud if I found this out about my husband. I think you’re really overreacting with the whole “what if something happened to him?”, anything could happen to anyone at any time. Would you honestly not offer if it was your niece or nephew? I suppose he could have discussed it with you but I wouldn’t have been upset in your position.

I get where you’re coming from …. However, 2 years ago my dd’s liver started to fail, she was a very similar age to your dh's niece. All family around offered to donate their liver. Going through it was horrendous, I can definitely understand why he offered.

Context is a big thing though - general conversations will include “I’ll do what I can to help” “I’m here if you need me” “of course I’ll donate, anything for dn”.

Also, you can survive and fully function with 1 kidney, you also can donate part of your liver and it regrows. It’s maybe not as drastic as you think, but I definitely understand where you’re coming from.

You’re wrong @Gwenhwyfar. You should get your post withdrawn as it contains misinformation.

If my OH's niece needed an organ that would save her life, and my OH was found to be a match, and the organ wasn't likely to be obtained another way, I'd 💯 be supportive of my OH being a donor. I would expect my sibling to sacrifice the life of their child because of the small risk of an operation. If you're talking about the significant risk of death of close young relative (his niece) Vs the smaller risk of complications from the surgery, I'd say saving the child's life is worth it. I wouldn't necessarily expect my DH to ask for my permission, I wouldn't be surprised at all if they offered without speaking to me.

If my niece needed a kidney and I was a match there's no doubt in my mind that I would donate it. Life is full of risks and I feel the risks of this surgery are low. And my niece means the absolute world to me. I'd obviously bring it up with my partner but my decision would be final.
I would die for my children/ nieces / nephews. They've got their whole lives ahead of them. I could die in a car crash tomorrow. If my partner opposed that strongly of my donating my kidney. They'd no longer be my partner. Family is everything to me, and that includes my brothers/ parents/ niece's etc...

Sorry, that should say I wouldn't expect my sibling to sacrifice the life of their child.

I believe that if you are found out to be a match, but you change your mind and don't want to donate the organ, even if you thought you did when you went in to get tested, the team that test for organ matches will just tell the recipient family that you were not in fact a match.

i.e. there's absolutely no pressure and if you back out they will give you that exit option.

He probably didn't discuss it with you first in case you tried to stop him saving the life of his sister's child. He clearly knew what you would say.

What would be in the back of my mind :
What if there's a genetic element to the relative's condition ?

What happens if my own DC subsequently develop that condition & I am unable to donate because I've already given away the organ ?

it's harsh but your own family comes first

But perhaps his niece is part of his "own family" in the DH's view. Not everyone has the very narrow definition of family as the nuclear family only.

@StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream

I have 3 young children too, I'd be furious if my husband did this. If it was your own child you'd do it without thinking but for an adult relative when you have your own young children, it's harsh but your own family comes first. If your children were adults themselves that'd be different but this has risks and potential implications for your own young children.

The niece is his family.

'A liver or kidney donation'.

It's either one or the other... sounds like neither of you know enough about her condition.

I would find another donor but family members are often the best matches.

If it was my niece, I'd just offer straight-out. Wouldn't you?

Have you even asked him out this?

Have you discussed it with him? Can’t see on your replies apologies if you answered that already. Can totally understand your feelings. Also I presume a donation would involve recovery and time off work etc, so there would also be financial implications.
If it was my niece or nephew I probably would though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@emsmar

You sound jealous

I really don't agree with the OP, but what? Are you posting on the wrong thread? This makes no sense.

Maybe get medical information. From what I can see online it is very safe, most complications are minor and short lived. You might feel better if you research it.

Do you really want to be married to a man who'd sit back and watch his niece die knowing he could save her life if he wanted to?

@Uberstar

I’m currently sat in hospital with my 11 year old awaiting dialysis as she has no kidney function left. My husband told me he is donating his kidney, absolutely no question, no conversation. It’s his decision. He’s her step dad and so not biologically related. And I respect his decision, even though I’ve tried to tell him how much of a major op it is ect. But I’m seeing it from both sides really, as I donated my kidney to my eldest daughter 8 years ago when she too was in kidney failure. Organ donation is the most amazing and selfless act. I hope things work out

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you all, from another transplant parent

I understand your worry and I’d be hurt if my DH didn’t want to discuss such a big decision with me… but it is ultimately his choice to make.

Medical staff will explain all the possible risks if he is a match, then he can make an informed decision. Unfortunately you only get a say if he wants you to help him decide.