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Original poster

Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

389 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 16:48

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

OP posts:
Totopoly · 13/02/2022 19:12

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

So you'd be happy for your dh to donate organs without discussing with you at all? Just telling you.
Yes, I would, if it were to help the child of another member of our families. Not least because I would want a member of the family to offer the same, unquestioningly, for my children.
Kdubs1981 · 13/02/2022 19:13

[quote ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]@Theworldisfullofgs so you wouldn't even discuss it with your dp before offering? Because that would make you heartless? Really? [/quote]
You wait for a stranger who has agreed to Organ donation and is a match to die.

Sometimes the recipient dies before this happens

mumwon · 13/02/2022 19:13

Its a serious operation from what I gather more invasive for the donor & it takes a good while to recover
he could have side effects & once he has given these organs it means that (assume kidney or partial lung or liver) should either he, or your dc have issues with the remaining organ he might himself land up with health problems because he only has one left. or if your dc have issue he won't be able to donate to them. Once given an organ donation cannot be undone. Why can't his sister or her dh/partner/df of the dc donate? They are more likely to match & its their dc?

flowervest75 · 13/02/2022 19:14

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

So you'd be happy for your dh to donate organs without discussing with you at all? Just telling you.
But he didn’t donate an organ did he lol. He offered to donate his organ if he was a match. You’re acting as if he’s already done the deed and you were in the dark about it. I’ve got a DD and I’m expecting a second. If any of my nieces needed an organ I’d absolutely offer what I could and would be happy to test to see if I was a match. I’d then tell DP about it after. He has no say in the matter because it’s my body and my decision🤷‍♀️
SpilltheTea · 13/02/2022 19:15

What is wrong with you? His niece is family and you don't get to decide what he does with his body. You don't know shit about what you'd do if you or your children needed one because, thankfully, you're not in that situation. He might not even be a match. You can't simply 'find another donor', don't be so stupid.

Ginger1982 · 13/02/2022 19:15

You don't want to discuss it with him though, do you? You want to bully him into saying no.

lucylucyapplejuicy · 13/02/2022 19:16

It's a tough, I think it's lovely he offered and after some thought it's probably what I would do for a niece or nephew...BUT to say it without consulting you first when you have children, I get it! Maybe he said it spur of the moment

user1471538283 · 13/02/2022 19:16

I get it op. It's not that the op could go wrong its living with the consequences. I would never put anyone before my being healthy for my own child.

tactum · 13/02/2022 19:17

I would definitely expect to have a conversation with DH about this before a pronouncement was made - part of being a unit. You don't just make unilateral decisions.
The overall decision would almost certainly be the same but you don't just do it on your own

missymousey · 13/02/2022 19:17

@Crimesean

Blimey, if any of my nieces or my nephew needed a kidney or liver lobe I'd do it immediately - and DH wouldn't expect anything else! They're my family - I couldn't let them die knowing I might be able to save them.
^ This.
Mmmmmmbop90 · 13/02/2022 19:17

You sound really cold. YABVU

Rewis · 13/02/2022 19:21

I would want my husband to talk to me about it. However, to him it might be one of those things that its so painfully obvious that you would feel the same way so it didn't occur to him.

Qwill · 13/02/2022 19:21

So OP, you would only accept organs from single people with no children or caring responsibilities. That is bonkers and quite telling of your overall attitude by the sounds of your posts.

Pembertonrd · 13/02/2022 19:23

OP if one of your dc needed an organ donation you wouldn’t hesitate to offer a kidney. But by your own logic you would be putting your other 2 dc’s lives at risk by doing so.

Sometimes we take calculated risks.

WhoAre · 13/02/2022 19:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MsTSwift · 13/02/2022 19:26

Easy to sit behind a key board and virtue signal that your or your Dh would donate without a qualm. Yeah right. We had this in our family.

Pumpfive · 13/02/2022 19:28

@MsTSwift

Easy to sit behind a key board and virtue signal that your or your Dh would donate without a qualm. Yeah right. We had this in our family.
It isn't virtue signalling. It is fact. If this was my niece I'd check if I was a match in a heartbeat.
HighburyHope · 13/02/2022 19:28

In our family it would be so obvious that we’d offer to be tested as a match for a nephew or niece that it wouldn’t need to be discussed.

I went through the match-testing process for a dear friend who needed a liver lobe due to cancer. She didn’t have known blood relatives as she had been adopted at birth. Sadly none of our friendship group or her adoptive family were compatible matches, and she became too ill for surgery and died.

AlexaShutUp · 13/02/2022 19:30

@MsTSwift

Easy to sit behind a key board and virtue signal that your or your Dh would donate without a qualm. Yeah right. We had this in our family.
That's not the issue, though, is it? If people have qualms about donating their own organs, that's entirely fair enough. I am not sure what I would actually feel in that situation as I have never been put in that position.

However, the issue isn't that the OP might have qualms about donating her own organs, not that her DH has qualms either. This is about the OP believing that she has a right to dictate what the DH chooses to do with regard to his body. It's his choice.

ImInStealthMode · 13/02/2022 19:30

I know DP would do this for his nieces without a moment's hesitation, and to be honest so would I for them.

OP I suspect that if one of your DC desperately needed an organ from someone you'd be a lot less fussy about where it came from than you're insisting here.

bg21 · 13/02/2022 19:31

I'm guessing your not medically clued up at all lol do you even realise how many people die whilst on the organ donor register? because a match just never becomes available and they run out of time , your attitude is quite uneducated and disgusting frankly and I just hope you or your kids never end up needing a donor !

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2022 19:33

@MsTSwift

Easy to sit behind a key board and virtue signal that your or your Dh would donate without a qualm. Yeah right. We had this in our family.
I think most people actually mean they’d start the process in a heartbeat. It’s entirely likely that some will drop out if they were matches and the reality of what the process would be is fully explained.
mumwon · 13/02/2022 19:34

I suspect most people on here who are gung-ho about this have had no experience or understanding of what is entailed
I can understand why op is anxious & I don't think she is totally unreasonable - I do think her husband has to think about his dc as well as his niece & that regardless of what others think that is his major responsibility
FYI I did once contemplate do this for a sibling - they didn't require it in the end
But I still do not understand why the parents of the girl shouldn't be considered first rather than their uncle

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2022 19:35

But I still do not understand why the parents of the girl shouldn't be considered first rather than their uncle

How do you know they haven’t been?

Scbchl · 13/02/2022 19:36

I offered my kidney to my friend if I were a match. We have three children not once did I think to dissues it with my husband whether I offer one of my organs. Sorry but I think yabu