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Original poster

Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

389 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 16:48

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2022 18:14

I wouldn’t expect to discuss it unmess dh wasn’t sure he wanted to go ahead. It’s his decision, not mine and I would fully support whatever he wanted to do. If it were me, I would decide and tell him what I was planning.

Until the tests are done, it’s only hypothetical anyway.

RobertaFirmino · 13/02/2022 18:16

She'd prefer him to act like the dickheads you're on about

Does not wanting to donate an organ make you a 'dickhead' then?

Electriq · 13/02/2022 18:17

I completely understand where you are coming from OP, this is a big decision that shouldn't be taken lightly, but at the same time, it isn't a decision that happens quickly, it is a drawn out process with lots of hoops to jump through, once you have a family member in need of a donor it's very natural to want to offer to help.

Try to understand how you would feel if it was your child potentially needing a donor.

greyeyes · 13/02/2022 18:17

It's hard this one because I would hope I would do it/done for my children

But

I'd also not want to and wouldn't want my husband to because what if our children needed it in the future?

Pr1mr0se · 13/02/2022 18:17

No, you are not a bitch. I would want my husband to discuss this sort of decision with me first too and for us to have come to an agreement and better understanding of the consequences and risks of this sort of operation.

NeverChange · 13/02/2022 18:17

I actually agree with you that he should have discussed it with you ideally, as a couple should with all significant decisions in life.

That said "Nobody said she say dying" is just so dismissive of what the child is going through. I'm pretty certain people are not discussing donations unless there is a high chance of her needing on so yes, she is dying, slowly or will be without a transplant.

You come across as completely uneducated in terms of transplants and risks and are outraged that your husband would make a solo decision. You had a pint but you lost the room with your selfish, illinformed attitude.

TooBigForMyBoots · 13/02/2022 18:17

He’s more likely to be killed in a car accident on the way to the hospital, which would be ironic as he could then presumably be able to donate a lot more than just a kidney.

😂😂😂

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2022 18:20

I'd also not want to and wouldn't want my husband to because what if our children needed it in the future?

What do you think the chances of that are? And how do you even know he’d be a match. You are just as likely to be able to donate to your children in future.

The niece needs the donation now.

AlternativePerspective · 13/02/2022 18:21

@ Zolla so have they told your relative that the only reason he’s on dialysis right now is because he donated a kidney? Because people who have two kidneys also end up with kidney disease and on dialysis. Chances are he would have developed kidney disease anyway.

cansu · 13/02/2022 18:24

I don't know tbh. It is essentially his decision. How would you feel if it was your child and your sibling told you they couldn't because their husband or wife said no. He should have discussed it with you though. In any case saying yes now is a long way from actually doing it. He may not be a match. He may change his mind and he would obviously discuss it with you at some point.

cansu · 13/02/2022 18:26

Also I seriously doubt you would reject an organ from a family member for your own dc. I think it highly unlikely you would let your child rather than accept an organ.

pollygartertidywife · 13/02/2022 18:26

In the exact same way that a pregnancy decision is made by the mother under the motto of 'her body her choice' despite a prospective father having an obvious interest in the outcome ... your DH has autonomy over what he would want to do with his body.

I have three children. If my nephew needed a transplant then of course I would offer without hesitation. It is a risk of course but as that risk is currently 0.03% for kidney .. that is without doubt a risk I would take without the need to consult anyone.

LonelyInAutumn · 13/02/2022 18:27

I agree there should be a discussion, however, your husband doesn't need approval from you. Also, I find it funny that you're asking for peoples opinions yet are being defensive towards anyone who disagrees with you

CustardySergeant · 13/02/2022 18:28

@Iwonder08

You are perfectly justified, I would be furious. He is selfish and doesn't consider the impact on his own family. The risks are high and he might leave you be a single mum
Unbelievable that you call him selfish. He is the opposite!
Uberstar · 13/02/2022 18:28

I’m currently sat in hospital with my 11 year old awaiting dialysis as she has no kidney function left.
My husband told me he is donating his kidney, absolutely no question, no conversation. It’s his decision. He’s her step dad and so not biologically related.
And I respect his decision, even though I’ve tried to tell him how much of a major op it is ect.
But I’m seeing it from both sides really, as I donated my kidney to my eldest daughter 8 years ago when she too was in kidney failure.
Organ donation is the most amazing and selfless act.
I hope things work out

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 13/02/2022 18:29

Yes, one in 200 live liver donors die. I know this because my husband donated to our son when he was a baby.

So, less than 1% die, and the other 99.5% percent survive.

Those seem like pretty great odds to me.

trevthecat · 13/02/2022 18:33

I would expect my dh to offer as I would. Our nieces and and nephews mean the world to us and I'd hope our siblings would do the same for us (I know they would, I don't have to hope!)

NameChangeNymph · 13/02/2022 18:34

I would do exactly as your DH did. I wouldn't consult my DH either and I wouldn't expect him to consult me. In fact, I'd be very disappointed in him if he didn't offer.

Fortunei · 13/02/2022 18:35

Feel sorry for you.
What ever this organ your dh potentially would donate - tell him to research what it’s like to be living with just 1 kidney for the rest of his life. It’s an eye opener

PostThenGhost · 13/02/2022 18:36

[quote ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]@StopFeckingFaffing how are organ donors normally found?

Relatives aren't always a match. It's not a given.

[/quote]
Many people sadly die waiting on the transplant list.

However, despite having a loved one who is a recipient of donor organs, I do understand your concerns.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2022 18:37

@Fortunei

Feel sorry for you. What ever this organ your dh potentially would donate - tell him to research what it’s like to be living with just 1 kidney for the rest of his life. It’s an eye opener
All that would be part of the preparation for him potentially becoming a donor. They don’t just rake him straight out the back and whip it out before he can change his mind.
Voon · 13/02/2022 18:39

I cannot believe you wouldn’t offer the same for your nieces or nephews. Surely anyone would?

Sparklingbrook · 13/02/2022 18:39

@Fortunei

Feel sorry for you. What ever this organ your dh potentially would donate - tell him to research what it’s like to be living with just 1 kidney for the rest of his life. It’s an eye opener
Of course he would do that, maybe after he finds out if it's actually going to happen.
MajorCarolDanvers · 13/02/2022 18:40

I would do this for my nieces - I love them and they are my family too.

Clarinet1 · 13/02/2022 18:41

@Uberstar

I’m currently sat in hospital with my 11 year old awaiting dialysis as she has no kidney function left. My husband told me he is donating his kidney, absolutely no question, no conversation. It’s his decision. He’s her step dad and so not biologically related. And I respect his decision, even though I’ve tried to tell him how much of a major op it is ect. But I’m seeing it from both sides really, as I donated my kidney to my eldest daughter 8 years ago when she too was in kidney failure. Organ donation is the most amazing and selfless act. I hope things work out
So sorry to hear you’ve been through so much uberstar. I’m on dialysis myself and hope to get on the transplant list soon. To the OP I would say that there is plenty of time to find out more about the assessment and “work-up”. Many renal units run information days where you, DH, DNiece etc could go and find out more which might put your mind at rest.
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