Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

@whatnumber

If you would take an organ from any member of your family for your dc then you need to be offering one too. His niece is his family too.

Exactly.

What's he supposed to do OP, stand by and watch his niece be ill/have no quality of life/potentially die a very early and painful death just because he has kids?

Donors aren't hanging off trees just waiting to give up organs. It's his body, his choice, and his niece is family too. And the surgeons will only go ahead after a very thorough assessment that he's suitable to donate.

I agree he should have discussed it with you, however seeing as you are adamant that you would be against it, what difference would it have made? His body, his decision.

I'd be unhappy about the lack of discussion, but not that he offered. Having been in that situation with a family member, it wouldn't have occurred to me not to offer.

I cant help thinking that even if he had discussed it with you, you'd still be unhappy because you simply don't agree with his choice. Ultimately, his body : his choice.

It is unreasonable to stop anyone from donating an organ.

It is also unreasonable to:
Ask someone to donate an organ
Expect someone to donate an organ

It’s interesting isn’t it that the OP couldn’t bear to watch her DH die even though the risks are small, but she would happily stand by and watch her dh’s niece die without a transplant.

because let’s be honest here, saying “no, you can’t do it,” she is saying that she’d rather the niece died.

As I said upthread, 6000 people a year die on the transplant list.

Transplant is the absolute last resort. No-one wants to have to tell someone they need a transplant, and no-one wants to be told that there is no further option for them but transplant. They will do absolutely everything they can to avoid the need for transplant until they have no other choice. And at that point they enter last resort teratory where they have to tell the person that unless they receive a new organ in time, they are going to die.

2.5 years ago I was told I need a heart transplant. In the meantime though other measures have been brought in to keep me away from the list as long as possible, and until recently they have succeeded. But I have been told in no uncertain terms that it’s a case of when and not if.

Now one of my drugs is compromising my health and there’s a very real chance that if they can’t alter that then I will need to start down the process of being assessed for transplant and going on the list.

I will do whatever I have to to stay away from that list for as long as possible. And I absolutely know that my own cardiologist, as well as the consultants at Papworth will do whatever it takes to keep me away from the list for as long as possible.

But it will happen one day.

Speaking as a mum whose child nearly died waiting on the transplant list for an organ, and was lucky enough to have a living related organ (from my husband), I'm actually rather taken aback by yours posts. You seem to have taken huge offence at what is currently an intention, and while I fully understand the fear you feel about risks and seriousness of what donating would entail (having actually lived through this), you just come across as flippant and selfish. The whole process is so incredibly complex, living donors go through the most rigourous of tests to even get to the stage of serious consideration, but the mere intention to be willing to do whatever you can to save a life is nothing short of honourable. You should feel proud of him.

I don't know if I'm a good enough person to donate an organ to my niece. I'm scared of dying.

Your DH just offering without hesitation? He is a very good person; you should consider yourself lucky to be with him.

As for finding someone else - you're basically saying that childless people are worthless. And if it was so easy to find donors from strangers, people wouldn't die awaiting organ donation each year.

I get that you're scared that something might go wrong and you might end up a single mum, but have a think about what you are effectively saying about other people.

It’s not your decision to be consulted on.
The risk of organ donation is very small. Especially a kidney.
I think letting you know is all he’s obligated to do, if my partner offered to do that I’d be proud of them.

I'd be ok with him donating part of his liver, it regenerates. But I would have a problem with a kidney donation. Simply because kidney disease (at this point) isn't curable and what if his one kidney failed or if one of our children needed a donated kidney and he was 'out of the running' because he'd already donated one. My DH recently completed severe chemo treatment and his kidney function was heavily impacted and is still not back to normal. I don't know what would have happened if he'd only had one functioning kidney to start with.

Surgical risks I can live with. It's pretty rare that someone dies during donation surgery. Yes, I know it happens, but it is pretty rare. Would you bar him from donating to his own child because of 'what might happen' to his other child(ren) if he should die during the surgery?

But should he have talked to you? Yes, he should have. But the final decision is still 'his body, his decision'.

I would be more upset if my partner didn’t offer to be our nieces donor in this situation. I presume your niece has been ill for a while? Had you never discussed the possibility if the situation led to this being needed?

OP, what if one of your own dc needed a transplant? Would you not want your dh to donate an organ because there would be a small risk that your other dc might lose their dad? Or would it be different if it was one of your own that needed the organ?

I think this boils down to people's understanding of family tbh. Some people have an incredibly narrow definition of family which doesn't extend beyond the nuclear unit. I find that very weird, personally, and see myself very much as part of a wider extended family. Neither of those positions is wrong, I guess, it's just a totally different way of looking at the world. From my perspective, your position looks incredibly narrow and selfish, but I can see that, from your perspective, your DH's offer looks irresponsible because you don't see his niece as "family" in the same way.

Some families are closer than others, I guess.

Her attitude isn't vile.

If he wants to be considered as a donor he should be involving his wife in the discussion and providing information about the benefits and risks so that they can make a decision together as to whether it's a viable proposition if he turns out to be a match. The fact that he didn't makes me think he just wanted to look generous to his brother but wouldn't really donate. Plenty of people who are suitable donors ask the transplant co-ordinates to tell their families they are not a suitable donor even when they are a match, so they can avoid having to say they aren't willing.

I would be upset if he didn't offer. And I would offer myself. You are being v unreasonable

@Sparklingbrook no, I'm just not that kind of person to bear a grudge. I was stunned mostly as they'd not been together very long and had no children together.

I was so proud of my brother for immediately offering when the doctors even told him and my mum about it - once I knew, as I was completely unaware how ill I was. He's a bloody great guy all round!

And of course they aren't a suitable donor technically - because they aren't consenting. The family will just assume they aren't a match. Transplant co-ordinators have seen it all.

@Sparklingbrook

If be proud of my husband if he did this, what sort of a man would not offer?

Me too. I would expect DH to offer, family will be better chance of a match.

Yup. OP sounds utterly heartless to not want her DH to donate - cos that's what it is, isn't it. Your side of the discussion is "don't offer" and you just want back up for this selfish attitude.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

So you'd be happy for your dh to donate organs without discussing with you at all? Just telling you.

I'm sure he would have discussed it with you before going ahead. It's all a bit hypothetical right now. Yes, in an ideal world he should probably have mentioned it, but I think this thread shows why he didn't.

My husband is minus one kidney, so I'm not ignorant of what the operation is like. All operations carry a risk, but the risk is relatively small and the rewards potentially enormous.

@Abigail12345654321

And of course they aren't a suitable donor technically - because they aren't consenting. The family will just assume they aren't a match. Transplant co-ordinators have seen it all.

But OP's angry that he wants to be donor, not that he's pretending he's not a viable donor.

She'd prefer him to act like the dickheads you're on about.

Well, I’m with you OP. I’d be very reluctant for my DH to donate a kidney. But I have experience of kidney donation going very wrong. The surgery was fine, life was fine but 5 years later, the donors remaining kidney failed. They developed kidney disease and they’ve been stuck on dialysis for a long time. It’s ruined their life. It’s ruined their families life, this person is so unwell. His wife is stuck raising two youngish kids, they can’t do normal family things. The person who received the kidney is currently in counselling to deal with the guilt of it being ‘his fault’ and living a normal life while his donor isn’t.

Its a genuinely horrible scenario. Probably very rare but after watching this all unfold, our whole family would approach this scenario with extreme caution.

@Iwonder08

You are perfectly justified, I would be furious. He is selfish and doesn't consider the impact on his own family. The risks are high and he might leave you be a single mum

The risks are NOT high. Fgs. Educate yourself.

@lonelySam

I would offer an organ to my niece and I would divorce my partner if they opposed it.

Same

I don’t think this is something I’d expect to discuss in the sense of having any say over whether or not it happened. It’s something I’d expect to discuss in terms of supporting my partner through a difficult time and making any logistical arrangements.

I have a very different attitude to it to you, OP. I would be a bit disappointed with my partner if they refused to offer and nothing unusual made them more at risk than most people would be. That’s not the sort of man I thought I’d married. (And yes, we have kids).

@lonelySam

I would offer an organ to my niece and I would divorce my partner if they opposed it.

Exactly this. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do this for my siblings children.

I wouldn’t expect my siblings to donate an organ to my son, much less so if the chances of my son being saved were small. My nephews depend on their parents. I can’t simply not risk their parents.

By the same token, I wouldn’t risk making myself vulnerable by increasing my health risks to donate to my nephews, I am the only parent my son has so no, I am not taking any risks that could make me a burden to him or made him an orphan.

Now if I was a SAHM with a very affluent husband, I would consider it, as the impact of I’ll health or possible death of a parent wouldn’t leave DS alone or in hardship.

I wonder how the OP would feel in the future if one of her dc offered to help the child of another of her dc? It might make her look at the situation quite differently.