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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 12/02/2022 14:33

The wedding plans were all going ahead then one weekend he called her to tell her he'd married someone else. He had another fiancé in another town and neither knew about the other.

I knew someone who was living with her fiancé. He went away on a short business trip. He then had a solicitor's letter delivered to her informing her that he was marrying someone else and going away on honeymoon and that she was to be out of the flat by the time he returned.

She had no idea. She then went on to have an affair with a married man who took the dog for a run every morning. He ran to her flat, left the dog outside, and then returned nicely sweaty to the marital home, popping in the shower and going to work. His wife had no idea.

As PPs say, it's remarkable what people can conceal and for how long.

That said, I doubt that's featured here.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 14:37

@ShimmeringSheen yes I will do - I really appreciate people giving their opinions and advice on here. Atm we've had a v one sided text conversation with him saying if he'd be on a date he'd tell me. I don't think that's the case. I will call him later when I'm on my own but he might not pick up and I guess I'll be left with no answers.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 14:42

BearOfEasttown I totally agree. Men are much better at separating sex and feeling. So maybe the odd man gets feelings and the woman doesn’t, whatever. But it’s mostly always the woman.

Walkingalot · 12/02/2022 14:42

I could not imagine keeping the same FWB buddy going for 4 yrs, let alone 1. I don't get how that doesn't automatically evolve into a relationship. How have you never talked about the future, yours or his? It seems to me that you were all in or at least prepared to be and he never has been. (no interest or intention of meeting your DC). All good things come to an end and he may be doing you a massive favour by setting you free for the next chapter of your life.

Until you actually talk to him about him going quiet, you wont know for sure. He may actually be thinking he does want more with you!

Briarshollow · 12/02/2022 14:42

It sounds like you’ve been desperately naive. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh.

You obviously really liked him, wanted more but didn’t want to address that as such and so thought you were ok with it being FWB all the time you believed he was essentially monogamous to you.

You saw him once a month and because to you it was essentially a relationship, it didn’t occur to you he was sleeping with anyone else (he almost certainly was). You asked him to meet your kids but he said no (why would he? He’s only shagging their mum). You’ve told your friends about him but he’s not told a soul he was sleeping with a 48-year-old mum of teenagers…

You’ve probably radiated how keen you were and so given him an enormous ego boost, but now he’s ready to have a relationship and doesn’t quite know how to sever things with you as he knew you felt more than you should. So he’s gone quiet.

I’m sorry you’ve wasted four years on him, find someone who actually wants a relationship with you, I suspect you’re more ready than you think.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/02/2022 14:47

I'm not sure why people are saying that it's not a relationship if they only see each other once a month, long distance relationships are a thing. It definitely could be a relationship if OP would grow a pair of ovaries and tell him how she feels and if he feels the same way.
It's madness not to discuss boundaries around other partners when you are having an intimate non monogamous relationship of any kind.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 14:48

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

I'm not sure why people are saying that it's not a relationship if they only see each other once a month, long distance relationships are a thing. It definitely could be a relationship if OP would grow a pair of ovaries and tell him how she feels and if he feels the same way. It's madness not to discuss boundaries around other partners when you are having an intimate non monogamous relationship of any kind.
It could be if he wanted the same thing but you can’t assume he does, she asked him to meet her kids he said no, she said he hasn’t told anyone about her or met any of his friends or family, no point giving false hope
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/02/2022 14:50

@sotrueindeed

There is definitely a recurring pattern with FWB 'issues.' Without exception, it's the woman who gets attached, and gets really upset when he meets someone else, and ends it with them. Why is this?

No its not. I had a female flatmate who had fwb as her partner lived oversees. Her male FWB was really hurt when her boyfriend came back and it ended. He felt really used. And tbh, I think he was right. She was way out of his league in a normal dating scenario, and she picked someone who was kind and gentle as she wanted that emotional closeness.

FWB leads to door wide open to one of the partners getting hurt.
Because many, many people will develop feelings for someone they like and are having sex with.

I had a FWB. We both caught feelings and now he's my partner. It took a year and a half to get there and we still aren't monogamous but we are in love and committed. It's not always a man using woman situation.
BearOfEasttown · 12/02/2022 14:51

@RedCandyApple

BearOfEasttown I totally agree. Men are much better at separating sex and feeling. So maybe the odd man gets feelings and the woman doesn’t, whatever. But it’s mostly always the woman.
Definitely @RedCandyApple !
sotrueindeed · 12/02/2022 14:52

@RedCandyApple

BearOfEasttown I totally agree. Men are much better at separating sex and feeling. So maybe the odd man gets feelings and the woman doesn’t, whatever. But it’s mostly always the woman.
I don't think its that more men are able to separate sex and feelings. I think it is that more men are better at being boundaried and compartmentalised in their feelings. So they have real feelings for the woman they are with when they are with her. But those feelings don't leak out to all of the rest of their life. Men who have affairs are good at this.
Ginger1982 · 12/02/2022 14:56

He's probably been having sex with lots of other people. You're clearly way more invested in this than he is. Time to move on.

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 14:57

Yes men can totally comparmentalise. When I asked my fuck buddy why he thought it was ok to cheat on his partner he told me he didnt think he was doing anything wrong as the "two things were totally seperate".
So he had women he shagged and a partner he claimed to love. Men are pricks.

Bananarama21 · 12/02/2022 14:57

You want a fab separate and away from.family life but don't want them to date either you can't have it both ways.

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 15:02

You have grieved, you have seen to some needs whilst putting your children first. Presumably they are off to uni soon if you were talking to him about the future. Time to look in the mirror, go through the wardrobe, and have a serious think about your fabulous future. He was a pleasant diversion, you had fun. Now is the time for YOU. Grab it. You can do soooo much better than a once a month bounce with a man 13 years your junior.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 15:03

He says he hasn't been on a date and would tell me if he had. And when I put it to him that he's seen other women and had sex and not told me - he said that has not happened. When I replied and I said I wasn't sure I believed him then he said 'well we have a problem then if you can't believe me,.
I hate that this is all happening on text , that I can't speak to him face to face . I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 15:04

@AngelinaFibres Thankyou ! That does sound like a good idea

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 15:05

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

I'm not sure why people are saying that it's not a relationship if they only see each other once a month, long distance relationships are a thing. It definitely could be a relationship if OP would grow a pair of ovaries and tell him how she feels and if he feels the same way. It's madness not to discuss boundaries around other partners when you are having an intimate non monogamous relationship of any kind.
She is 48 he is 35. Ops lack of ovaries may well be the problem here if he has reached the point of wanting a family of his own .
GentlemanJayFab · 12/02/2022 15:05

Talk to him. I've had this situation before. When a FWB was happy not to be exclusive. Then it became a problem.

BlondeDogLady · 12/02/2022 15:05

Well, firstly, you haven't wasted 4 years. You have enjoyed those years and what you got from the situation, which was friendship and good sex, without commitment, which you felt you could not give - all good.

I would see it as "wasted" if, for example, you were both child free, he had promised you he would want kids in 4 years and then back tracked and left you with a ticking fertility clock.

Maybe this is good timing, as it's made you evaluate the relationship at a time when perhaps you can look for something more, as your kids are getting older. When they leave, you might want a partner to share your life with, go on holidays etc. You won't find that person when you're still focusing on your FWB.

If you think you have feelings for him, I'd lay your cards on the table and ask him if he wants more. If he does, that's all good, but if he doesn't, it's maybe time to let him go.

The age gap would bother me slightly, as you're really at different life stages.

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 15:06

Ok if he is not sleeping with anyone else then why is he not introducing you to family? Meeting your kids or hanging out with your friends?
Because you are just a once a month shag to him. Thats it. If you are ok with that then carry on but you are only going to feel more shit in the long run believe me.

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 15:09

@MrsBerthaRochester

Ok if he is not sleeping with anyone else then why is he not introducing you to family? Meeting your kids or hanging out with your friends? Because you are just a once a month shag to him. Thats it. If you are ok with that then carry on but you are only going to feel more shit in the long run believe me.
Because op does want a relationship and says she doesn't have time for one?
OnlyJoking1 · 12/02/2022 15:10

I’m also i widowed parent, and trying to have a relationship and kids and stuff to plan around makes things harder.
I’m in some widow groups which I find helpful.
Are you a member of WAY?
I’ve made lots of life time friendships with people on there.
Send me a private message if you think I can help at all.

NannyKrampus · 12/02/2022 15:12

People who claim to be in a FWB set up but who are tracking their shag buddy are an utter pain in the arse! This guy owes you zero answers. It is the fundamental core of the whole concept that his outside world has nout to do with you. I had a much anticipated weekend ruined by an ex friend who pretended to be all cool and sneered at any normal aka vanilla kind of relationship set ups and had a FWB thing. She spent the entire break stalking the dude online, claiming how she had caught him out being somewhere else than he stated and obsessing about his movements, ending up a drunken mess. I have encountered a fair few women who proclaimed how cool they were and how they did not have time for a relationship but they wasted an enormous amount of their day and night, obsessing about their fuck buddy. Essentially, it often smacks of desperation and some serious delusion that in time their friends with benefits would change the set up to a proper relationship.

OP just bloody stop! This guy owes you no explanation or account for his whereabouts!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/02/2022 15:15

Are you going to be brave and tell him you want a monogamous relationship?

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 12/02/2022 15:15

@bellinirocks

He says he hasn't been on a date and would tell me if he had. And when I put it to him that he's seen other women and had sex and not told me - he said that has not happened. When I replied and I said I wasn't sure I believed him then he said 'well we have a problem then if you can't believe me,. I hate that this is all happening on text , that I can't speak to him face to face . I don't know what to think.
Haven't read all the responses so apologies if this has already been mentioned. Could it be that he's developed feelings for you and he knows you don't want more so he's backing off for his own self-preservation?
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