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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 15:16

[quote bellinirocks]@AngelinaFibres Thankyou ! That does sound like a good idea [/quote]
There is so much out there. Not just men, but soon you will have a life where you can do what you want, when you want . You will be able to go away overnight. You will be able to join groups for interests you have or actually didn't know you have. Look at a website called 'meetups' It's not a dating thing. Have a look. Your children will make their own lives and you will be part of that but you really can be you now. Depending on any inheritance from your late husband, pension etc you can plan ahead for early retirement or a career change or anything. I did and its utterly brilliant. He has told you he hasn't dated but you don't believe him. Time to tell him you had a lovely time but you are bringing it to a close.

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 15:17

Stop encouraging the op further in the delusion. She asked him to meet her kids he said no. She is his dirty little secret. He is not in a relationship with her. Its a once a month shag n go.

Missnataliex · 12/02/2022 15:19

@bellinirocks

It varies normally every 3-4 weeks during the day or evening. He can change his mind abt a relationship of course - but only afew days ago we were talking about when my kids will be at uni he will be able to stay the weekend - we both were looking forward to that. I feel like an idiot.
Just come straight out and tell him exactly what you want. That FWB isn't cutting it anymore, and you would like to become a more serious. If he says no, move on! Good luck x c
Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 15:22

@MrsBerthaRochester

Stop encouraging the op further in the delusion. She asked him to meet her kids he said no. She is his dirty little secret. He is not in a relationship with her. Its a once a month shag n go.
This

With bells on

4 years. 4 whole years and he doesn’t want to meet her children and they meet each other once a month for a shag. Never met either family or friends or been away. Nothing. 4 years.

SmellyOldOwls · 12/02/2022 15:24

Ah this hurts so much OP. I had a Fwb that went on for years and we became increasingly boyfriend/girlfriendy. We hung out in the same social circle too so knew when the other had pulled someone else (we were at uni) it started off with a bit of mild jealousy and teasing when the other saw someone else and after a year or two turned into intense jealousy and bad feeling. I definitely grew to love him, he went travelling for a year (which was agonising for me at the time he left) and I met someone else. He realised while he was away he loved me too but it was too late by then.

These kind of relationships do have an expiry date and you're at the stage where you both either shit or get off the pot before it's too late.

pollygartertidywife · 12/02/2022 15:24

The answer is there OP. Avoiding the question won't alter it. He either wants a relationship or he doesn't.
You do.
Ask him.
If no - then you know.
If yes - then crack on

Head in sand is the real waste of time.

2022babyhope · 12/02/2022 15:26

We've all been there OP. Best advice I can think of is just leave him to it.

If he wanted to reassure you properly or confess his commitment to you he would, and he hasn't.

I wish I'd been told when I was younger not to let someone tell you they don't want you more than once!

Chin up and move on Smile there are other men out there who will give you a more fulfilling relationship.

Unless you're ultimately okay with the casual sex part in which case absolutely crack on! No judgement here Smile but it does sound like you want more of an emotional relationship with this man and it doesn't sound like he wants more than he's already giving.

BertramLacey · 12/02/2022 15:28

Your partner is in a committed exclusive relationship with you im guessing? So you are totally missing the point.

It's you rather missing the point @RedCandyApple You made a blanket statement that 'no man' was ever too busy for sex. Not 'no single man in his 30s' just 'no man'. Leaving my partner out of it, men are, as I said, quite variable in their sex drives, yes, even those a bit younger and with FWBs. Sure, they'll want no strings sex, but they won't necessarily want it all the time at the drop of a hat. They're actually slightly more complicated than you're giving them credit for. Well, some of them are.

Missnataliex · 12/02/2022 15:28

@2022babyhope I wish I'd been told when I was younger not to let someone tell you they don't want you more than once! Love this .... me too! So much heartache would have been saved!

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 15:32

@BertramLacey

Your partner is in a committed exclusive relationship with you im guessing? So you are totally missing the point.

It's you rather missing the point @RedCandyApple You made a blanket statement that 'no man' was ever too busy for sex. Not 'no single man in his 30s' just 'no man'. Leaving my partner out of it, men are, as I said, quite variable in their sex drives, yes, even those a bit younger and with FWBs. Sure, they'll want no strings sex, but they won't necessarily want it all the time at the drop of a hat. They're actually slightly more complicated than you're giving them credit for. Well, some of them are.

If you think this man is only sleeping with the op for 4 years once a month and having no sex elsewhere you’re just as deluded as the op, he clearly isn’t too busy for sex as he manages to have sex with the op he will manage to have sex with other people.
TinaYouFatLard · 12/02/2022 15:33

Don’t be petulant or accusatory with him. As far as I can see he’s done nothing wrong.

I think you’ve have totally unrealistic expectations. Your kids are teens too young to be left overnight but you’re thinking you could drag this setup on for several more years until they’re Uni age?

He was 31 when this started - that’s very young to be certain you don’t want a traditional relationship and family.

Be a dignified grown-up woman. Set out how you’re feeling and tell him that you don’t want to continue as things are. Wish him well and go your own way.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 15:35

@BertramLacey

Your partner is in a committed exclusive relationship with you im guessing? So you are totally missing the point.

It's you rather missing the point @RedCandyApple You made a blanket statement that 'no man' was ever too busy for sex. Not 'no single man in his 30s' just 'no man'. Leaving my partner out of it, men are, as I said, quite variable in their sex drives, yes, even those a bit younger and with FWBs. Sure, they'll want no strings sex, but they won't necessarily want it all the time at the drop of a hat. They're actually slightly more complicated than you're giving them credit for. Well, some of them are.

And you are misquoting me I said a man will always make time for sex which he clearly has done with the op so he will do with someone else, the op isn’t special.
AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 15:35

Why would op tell him she wants more.

She doesn't. She stated she doesn't have time. If he has met someone he possibly wants to ourselves a relationship with, op offering one night a month isn't going to help.

And if she offers more she is basically saying "I didn't want to be committed to you for the last 4 years, but now you have met someone else I, actually, can make time for you".

Either op could have made time all along if she really wanted to, or will be promising something she can't keep to. Or asking him to hang for a few years, incase her kids go to uni and they can have weekends together.

Most people looking for a proper relationship want more than that.

If he turns op down, because he has met someone else or wanta a full relationship or now wants kids, it would make her feel worse.

SmellyOldOwls · 12/02/2022 15:35

[quote Missnataliex]**@2022babyhope* I wish I'd been told when I was younger not to let someone tell you they don't want you more than once! Love this .... me too! So much heartache would have been saved!*

[/quote]

Yeah the casual relationship really doesn't benefit women often - young and single women particularly, it is excruciating really that I let myself be treated like that. I think I got off on the drama and sneaking around and wondering what he was doing or if he would text me. I think OP does have good reasons for such a relationship though but clearly it's not working for her now.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/02/2022 15:38

@AlDanvers

Why would op tell him she wants more.

She doesn't. She stated she doesn't have time. If he has met someone he possibly wants to ourselves a relationship with, op offering one night a month isn't going to help.

And if she offers more she is basically saying "I didn't want to be committed to you for the last 4 years, but now you have met someone else I, actually, can make time for you".

Either op could have made time all along if she really wanted to, or will be promising something she can't keep to. Or asking him to hang for a few years, incase her kids go to uni and they can have weekends together.

Most people looking for a proper relationship want more than that.

If he turns op down, because he has met someone else or wanta a full relationship or now wants kids, it would make her feel worse.

She clearly does want more as she's upset that he potentially went on a date. That indicates she wants some sort of commitment to her and her only.
MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 15:38

He will be shagging plenty of other people in the 30 days a month he doesnt see op! Honestlt to think otherwise is verging on the ridiculous.
My fuck buddy had a full time job and a time consuming hobby but still found plenty of time to shag lots of other women!
The longer this drags on the worse it will be for op whose self esteem is already in her boots. She deserves much much better.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 15:39

@MrsBerthaRochester

He will be shagging plenty of other people in the 30 days a month he doesnt see op! Honestlt to think otherwise is verging on the ridiculous. My fuck buddy had a full time job and a time consuming hobby but still found plenty of time to shag lots of other women! The longer this drags on the worse it will be for op whose self esteem is already in her boots. She deserves much much better.
Exactly only a fool would think he’s not shagging anyone else!
XiCi · 12/02/2022 15:40

@bellinirocks

He says he hasn't been on a date and would tell me if he had. And when I put it to him that he's seen other women and had sex and not told me - he said that has not happened. When I replied and I said I wasn't sure I believed him then he said 'well we have a problem then if you can't believe me,. I hate that this is all happening on text , that I can't speak to him face to face . I don't know what to think.
But you believed him before without question. So just because a complete stranger on here, who probably has not got your best interests at heart, tells you he's lying, you accuse him. Fucking hell! Seriously? I think you need to back off from the thread, apologise and tell him how you feel. And stop texting just bloody speak to him like an adult. If he wants what you want then great. If he doesn't you need to end this as its not a fwb, you have feelings for him and the longer it goes on the more you'll get hurt
RealBecca · 12/02/2022 15:41

You need to end it. It isn't a relationship and it's not going to be.

A fwb set up no longer works for either of you (it's not ok for you to be interrogating him and saying you dont believe him, a fwb has no obligation to disclose that)

Hes said he doesnt want to meet your kids and my opinion is that you shouldn't be introducing them to a fwb anyway.

A fwb is supposed to be all of the fun and none of the shit. That's not the case.

At 35 he may well want to do the house and kids thing and by not wanting to meet your kids hes made it clear where hes at. (good on him for saying no)

You will feel better in 6 months if you end this now.

2022babyhope · 12/02/2022 15:42

@SmellyOldOwls each to their own Smile I've known women who have only wanted a casual relationship as that's what worked for them. No one ever got hurt or benefitted more than the other - but both were very clear about what it was.

I however, was very much not like that haha and learnt the hard way which I look back on and cringe at Grin

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 15:43

@AlDanvers

The op says she only wanted FWB

But absolutely everything she has said confirms she wants me. Much more.

IncompleteSenten · 12/02/2022 15:47

It really doesn't sound like you want fwb.
Seems more like you want committed relationship with restrictions.
Talk to him about it.

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 15:49

[quote Toanewstart23]@AlDanvers

The op says she only wanted FWB

But absolutely everything she has said confirms she wants me. Much more.[/quote]
But she also states she doesn't have time for more.

So either she does and just didn't want to make time (which I think is fair enough) and now only wants to make time, that he may be looking somewhere else.

Or she genuinely doesn't have time.

Pretending you don't have time for someone, for years, right up until they meet someone's else, then deciding you do have time is really poor behaviour.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 15:50

@XiCi I'm texting him as I'm not able to call him right now as my children are around and they have ears like satellites! It's not how I would want to have a conversation.
I'm aware that I am a naive, so the thread has been abit of an eye opener. He does have a high sex drive and I guess it is likely he has seen other women but before today this never occurred to me - like I said before many the odd date but that's it.

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 15:52

Oh and, as pp says, if op doesn't trust him to tell her the truth while they aren't committed, trust won't magically appear if they are Committed.

What if he just doesn't feel like text or calling one evening. Even now op thinks she is owed and explanation for him not texting one evening. That's not going to get better.

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