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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 14:01

I wouldnt assume because he calls you in the evenings that he is single. My fuck buddy would call/facetime me. Im presuming his partner was working or in bed.
You gave him the opportunity to take the relationship further when you offered for him to meet your kids. He said no. Take the hint.
How often do you actually go out? Or does he just come to your place for food and sex?

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 14:01

@Poppy101010

I've been exactly where your are . It's actually scary how similar we sound - I could have written this post .

My FWB went on many dates without telling me . Then one day (after 4 years of us having contact most days ) he said he could t be pals anymore cause he met someone.

I always thought we would get together. But I just wasted years of my life on someone who just used me . It hurts like crazy but u will get over it . Good luck 🤞🏻

Not to be rude but how is it using you if you agreed to have FWB it’s not his fault you wanted more secretly, this is why I don’t get FWB
DrSophia · 12/02/2022 14:01

This is all so strange. I understand you're feeling hurt but he doesn't owe you anything and you have no right to know whether he went on a date or not. Even if he has met someone he may not want to say anything until he knows that it's going somewhere.

I think that you're going to have to step away for your own sanity. I imagine you're scared of being alone, the change in your four yr routine and having him to yourself but the manner in which you're talking about it is not healthy.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 14:06

There is absolutely no way he has a partner or gf - no way.

OP posts:
ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 14:09

@bellinirocks

There is absolutely no way he has a partner or gf - no way.
How do you know?
BearOfEasttown · 12/02/2022 14:13

@Poppy101010

I've been exactly where your are . It's actually scary how similar we sound - I could have written this post .

My FWB went on many dates without telling me . Then one day (after 4 years of us having contact most days ) he said he could t be pals anymore cause he met someone.

I always thought we would get together. But I just wasted years of my life on someone who just used me . It hurts like crazy but u will get over it . Good luck 🤞🏻

Just like @RedCandyApple said, how was this man 'using' you? If you were just 'friends with benefits?' Confused

There is definitely a recurring pattern with FWB 'issues.' Without exception, it's the woman who gets attached, and gets really upset when he meets someone else, and ends it with them.

Why is this?

ufucoffee · 12/02/2022 14:14

@bellinirocks

There is absolutely no way he has a partner or gf - no way.
I knew a woman who was engaged to be married. Her fiancé worked v long hours and sometimes worked away. The wedding plans were all going ahead then one weekend he called her to tell her he'd married someone else. He had another fiancé in another town and neither knew about the other. What I'm saying in there is no way you can you know if someone you rarely see has a girlfriend. Some people are very good at covering their tracks.
Inspectorslack · 12/02/2022 14:15

I had an off on feb thing for 5 years.

He caught feels and I ended it.

It’s not always the man.

Inspectorslack · 12/02/2022 14:15

*FWB

Aloha7373 · 12/02/2022 14:16

I’ve been in a FWB situation…only the other way around. I assumed we’d both been dating other people the whole time (we also only hung out once a month, never introduced each other to friends etc), and when I eventually fell in love with someone and wanted to get serious, I told my FWB and he was heartbroken and lashed out. I’m still angry about it - we had a mutual understanding from the get-go that we were “friends with benefits” and didn’t want relationships with each other, no part of that indicated “exclusive” to me.

I’m not saying this to hurt you OP, I just think it’s important to recognise that if you call something FWB and only see each other every month, and don’t mix with each other’s friends/family, most people would assume it’s fine to see other people. I wish my FWB had just sat me down and told me he had feelings, instead of blowing up at me when I did something I feel I had every right to do.

sotrueindeed · 12/02/2022 14:16

[quote UniversalAunt]@bellinirocks You said’ It is a fwb as I'm 48 and he's 35 - I've been married and had children. He hasn't - so I always knew that at some point he might want that - even though he's always been adamant he doesn't.’

I agree with other posters that he is at his life stage where he is now ready & his recent distancing is because he has met someone. He may struggle to tell you this so he’s gently drifting off.

So here’ the thing, this does not make you any less or as you said ‘stupid’. Not at all. I think you said that you are a widow & understandably you have put your children first & brought them up without bringing someone else into their home. You have met your emotional & physical needs with care & thoughfulness. This fella is a good friend. So in a sense you are FWB but just exceptionally close so any disentangling or distance coming between you can be hurtful - MNet is chocked full of the hurt of female friendships never mind the FWB elements.

So maybe now you are ready to meet someone for an intimate relationship, but with someone who is fully available to you? Your children are older & more independent. You have allowed yourself space to grieve, live as a single mum, had a great friendship & some sex thrown in to the mix? You have the time & space for the next stage of your life.

If you can step back from the immediate shock of the forthcoming changes between you & FWB, you may see that you have actually been rather smart about all of this.[/quote]
This is such an insightful post.

I am in a similar position to OP and have dealt with it similarly. I find this post from @UniversalAunt really resonates with me.

'Freedom within limitations' is a quote I love. Life dealt you a poor hand when your husband died. You found a way to deal with it that suited your kids and gave you that one to one companionship as well as physical intimacy with another person. That's resilience and finding a way to survive and thrive right there. You found your freedom within your limitation.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 14:19

I’m a Lone parent and people often suggest FWB set up to me but I just don’t get it and would rather not! it seems mainly women (yes men do too but mostly women) who have feelings for someone want more but agree to a FWB situation anyway then sleep with a man thinking sex will make him want more (it won’t.) Then get upset and complain when the man meets someone else and say they was used, but you literally agreed to it? FWB is just sleeping with someone you are friends with until someone better comes along

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 14:19

@bellinirocks

There is absolutely no way he has a partner or gf - no way.
I have a friend who was married and had 3 young children. Her husband worked away frequently. Two weeks at home ,2 weeks away.. It was the time before mobiles and she found out about his double life when she picked up the downstairs phone and heard his whispered conversation with the other woman on the upstairs phone. He had a whole, separate family elsewhere. His 'fiancee' thought he was childless and divorced. She had had 2 children with him .Their births overlapped the births of the children of his actual marriage. He had put his business in the name of the fiancee. Neither woman had any idea about any the other family. If you see this man once a month you have no real idea what else he is doing.
sotrueindeed · 12/02/2022 14:22

There is definitely a recurring pattern with FWB 'issues.' Without exception, it's the woman who gets attached, and gets really upset when he meets someone else, and ends it with them. Why is this?

No its not. I had a female flatmate who had fwb as her partner lived oversees. Her male FWB was really hurt when her boyfriend came back and it ended. He felt really used. And tbh, I think he was right. She was way out of his league in a normal dating scenario, and she picked someone who was kind and gentle as she wanted that emotional closeness.

FWB leads to door wide open to one of the partners getting hurt.
Because many, many people will develop feelings for someone they like and are having sex with.

oakleaffy · 12/02/2022 14:22

@bellinirocks
I too had a similar experience
A bloke I thought was serious wasn’t.
He suddenly cooled and was indeed seeing someone else.
Since, ive found being single, no dating,no partners far less stressful.
My partner said “ I thought you were just a friend “
After asking me to marry him at the beginning

Men can be full of it.
Don’t let yourself be used!!

notthatonethisone · 12/02/2022 14:24

@Blossomtoes

he's been like my best friend through some very difficult times. I'm bery sad abt losing that.

Why would you lose that? You’d lose the sex, not the friendship. You don’t seem to know what you do want.

Well this is so true.

I had a fwb when I was getting a divorce. Met a guy also divorcing. Neither of us could handle a relationship. But craved some intimacy and someone to chat to.

Years later I've moved on and started a proper relationship and he's travelling the world. We're genuinely happy for each other. We sometimes text to see how each other is. We are just friends and I'm happy (if massively envious!) he is achieving his travelling dream

So it can work. And I don't see why some people are giving the guy a hard time. He's done nothing wrong. A fwb is just that.

Op you need to have a serious chat to sort out where you're both at. But it does sound to me like you're on different pages so it just won't work.

Aloha7373 · 12/02/2022 14:27

[quote oakleaffy]@bellinirocks
I too had a similar experience
A bloke I thought was serious wasn’t.
He suddenly cooled and was indeed seeing someone else.
Since, ive found being single, no dating,no partners far less stressful.
My partner said “ I thought you were just a friend “
After asking me to marry him at the beginning

Men can be full of it.
Don’t let yourself be used!![/quote]
This sounds super painful and I’m sorry for your experience, but it isn’t the same as two people explicitly agreeing to be friends with benefits.

oakleaffy · 12/02/2022 14:27

If anyone agrees to be a FWB, it’s surely understood that fidelity isn’t expected on both sides.

oakleaffy · 12/02/2022 14:29

@Aloha7373,
I agree..
It is different.
No way would i have ever agreed to be a FWB.

Honeyroar · 12/02/2022 14:29

I think you’ve been lucky that it’s lasted so long. He’s been good for you with everything you’ve had going on in your life, but he’s been pretty honest about not wanting a real relationship- meeting children/friends etc. For him it really was really FWB. For you it sounds like it’s developed into feelings.

I think the only thing you can do now is to say “look I really enjoy what we have, and would be sad if it ended, but I’d deal with it. So please be honest if it isn’t working for you anymore and you want to step away, or have met someone.”

He’s young but probably getting to the age where he’s thinking he might want a family of his own. You’re at pretty different stages of life..

Chin up. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of, or to feel stupid about. It suited you, and worked for a good while.

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 14:30

My best friends husband had a relationship for several years before they met. When they split up his ex met someone else and they married and set up a life/home together. She worked away a lot and met another man. She set up home with him too. She was a huge fan of the Next Directory and had 2 exactly identical homes with entire wardrobes of clothes at each one. Everything was replicated. It was exhausting and it all fell apart in the end. The thing is that if these, perfectly ordinary, people can pull off other lives then a much younger man , you only see for one day a month can do anything, say anything and have any kind of life going on .You really have no idea. As he is a FWB he literally owes you nothing

ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 14:30

I hope the OP keeps us updated and lets us know what the outcome of her conversation with her FWB has been.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2022 14:30

The thing is, the whole deal with a FWB is that there are no ties and no 'emotion' (other than friendship). You've invested yourself in this situation (won't call it a relationship, it isn't one). But that's on you, not on him.

You need to take yourself out of the situation and look at it in light of other friendships you've have. If you and I were friends and I started dating, would it upset you this much? Probably not. You may be sad that I had less time for you or if it meant the end of our friendship (as a FWB should end if someone finds a partner) but there shouldn't be a feeling of betrayal or that the FWB has done something 'wrong'. He hasn't. The whole point of a FWB is to satisfy physical needs with no emotional ties. If companionship comes into it, fine, but that doesn't create any 'deep' emotional or relationship ties. And any talk of 'the future' means no more than, again, a 'just plain' friendship. You and I (as friends) may talk about going on holidays, weekly dinners, etc but if I got married/partnered that would all change and although you'd feel sad, again, you wouldn't feel devastated. You'd realize that it was the 'natural order of things'. So it is with him. He's young and for him to 'find someone' and start a new path is normal. You did it 'in your day', I did it in mine. See where I'm going?

The reason I never had a FWB is because I know myself. I know that I would never be able to keep my heart separate once my body gets involved. It's just the way I'm wired. I think you need to look at your wiring, too. If him doing what he is 'allowed' to do as a 'friend' and if you can't let that be without pain, then you need to end the arrangement.

BearOfEasttown · 12/02/2022 14:30

I knew there'd be a few 'anecdotes' about men who have been in FWB situations and got really upset when the woman ended it, but I believe strongly that it's nearly ALWAYS the woman who gets attached.

Certainly in my experience of people I know anyway, (and according to the many threads on here...) Men in FWB situations rarely get attached to their f*ck buddy, and I won't believe anyone who says different. Maybe 1 in 20 or so, but in the VAST majority of cases, it's the woman. As I said, I wonder why...... Wink

BearOfEasttown · 12/02/2022 14:31

I knew there'd be a few 'anecdotes' about men who have been in FWB situations and got really upset when the woman ended it, but I believe strongly that it's nearly ALWAYS the woman who gets attached.

Certainly in my experience of people I know anyway, (and according to the many threads on here...) Men in FWB situations rarely get attached to their f*ck buddy, and I won't believe anyone who says different. Maybe 1 in 20 or so, but in the VAST majority of cases, it's the woman. As I said, I wonder why...... Wink