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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 13:14

I feel like a fool. I honestly didn't think he would lie to be because as were fwb then why would he.
I've texted him and said he's been abit quiet - is he ok. My children are out this afternoon so I will try and talk to him .

OP posts:
RussianSpy101 · 12/02/2022 13:14

What do you need to talk to him about?

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 13:14

[quote bellinirocks]@RedCandyApple I haven't - he always said he's too busy. [/quote]
No man, until he is medically incapacitated or if he is asexual is ever too busy for sex.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 13:16

@RussianSpy101 I want to ask him abt last night. And if our thing is coming to an end it would be nice to talk to him.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 12/02/2022 13:17

It sounds like you both want very different things
Would you go on a date? Or not because of your feelings for him?

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 13:18

Stop referring to him as “FWB” for goodness sakes

Clearly in your mind…. So so much more than that

neveradullmoment99 · 12/02/2022 13:21

@bellinirocks

It is a fwb as I'm 48 and he's 35 - I've been married and had children. He hasn't - so I always knew that at some point he might want that - even though he's always been adamant he doesn't.
Maybe he is sensing that you have too much invested in the relationship now? Especially considering what you are saying on here. It may well be you that has changed the relationship and realise this and that is why he has been quiet.
Redshoeblueshoe · 12/02/2022 13:25

I don't know why you think he hasn't got a partner. Plenty of people work in the evenings, in fact I know many women who prefer to work in the evenings so they can be at home with their DC in the day

ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 13:26

@bellinirocks, if he's in his 30s, he will certainly be having sex more often than just once a month with you! Pardon me for saying this but, when you were in your 30s, I assume you shagged more than once a month?!

Let us know how it goes this afternoon, what he says etc. I'd like to see how this all plays out.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 13:30

@bellinirocks

I feel like a fool. I honestly didn't think he would lie to be because as were fwb then why would he. I've texted him and said he's been abit quiet - is he ok. My children are out this afternoon so I will try and talk to him .
Well the way you are acting about him going on a date it’s clear why he hasn’t told you, he hasn’t lied by the sounds of it just not told you? Would be a bit off for him to tell you he’s had sex yesterday he’s just not going to mention it, he probably knows you want more so is going to keep you sweet
StellaGibs · 12/02/2022 13:30

[quote ShimmeringSheen]@bellinirocks, if he's in his 30s, he will certainly be having sex more often than just once a month with you! Pardon me for saying this but, when you were in your 30s, I assume you shagged more than once a month?!

Let us know how it goes this afternoon, what he says etc. I'd like to see how this all plays out.[/quote]
33 and haven't slept with anyone in 3 years, now feeling a bit like a freak Grin

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 13:33

He's replied saying he knows he's been quiet, he's sorry - but that's it no explanation.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 12/02/2022 13:35

@bellinirocks You said’ It is a fwb as I'm 48 and he's 35 - I've been married and had children. He hasn't - so I always knew that at some point he might want that - even though he's always been adamant he doesn't.’

I agree with other posters that he is at his life stage where he is now ready & his recent distancing is because he has met someone. He may struggle to tell you this so he’s gently drifting off.

So here’ the thing, this does not make you any less or as you said ‘stupid’. Not at all. I think you said that you are a widow & understandably you have put your children first & brought them up without bringing someone else into their home. You have met your emotional & physical needs with care & thoughfulness. This fella is a good friend. So in a sense you are FWB but just exceptionally close so any disentangling or distance coming between you can be hurtful - MNet is chocked full of the hurt of female friendships never mind the FWB elements.

So maybe now you are ready to meet someone for an intimate relationship, but with someone who is fully available to you? Your children are older & more independent. You have allowed yourself space to grieve, live as a single mum, had a great friendship & some sex thrown in to the mix? You have the time & space for the next stage of your life.

If you can step back from the immediate shock of the forthcoming changes between you & FWB, you may see that you have actually been rather smart about all of this.

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 13:36

@RedCandyApple yes you're right he probably knows me well enough to know I'd hate the idea of him sleeping with someone else - so won't tell me. I feel like I've spent the past 4 years with my head in the sand.

OP posts:
ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 13:37

@bellinirocks I assume during the past four years, you haven't had sex with anyone else?

Electricbug321 · 12/02/2022 13:39

I’m sorry OP. It sounds like you both have very different expectations of the relationship, and his inability to communicate is probably not helping matters.

Tbh, if you value his friendship most, I’d prioritise trying to keep that.

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/02/2022 13:43

He can’t be that great a friend if you can’t both be honest about your feelings.

This is why I could never have a fwb, I feel too much Grin

BearOfEasttown · 12/02/2022 13:44

Sorry it has ended like this for you @bellinirocks but if you were a FWB, I am not sure why you expected anything else. Especially with an age gap of almost a generation, and him being single.

bonfireheart · 12/02/2022 13:47

You need to communicate with him. Tell him you have feelings for him and whilst you realise that this isn't what the might have expected you wanted to be honest and let him know.

Blossomtoes · 12/02/2022 13:50

he's been like my best friend through some very difficult times. I'm bery sad abt losing that.

Why would you lose that? You’d lose the sex, not the friendship. You don’t seem to know what you do want.

BertramLacey · 12/02/2022 13:51

No man, until he is medically incapacitated or if he is asexual is ever too busy for sex.

Well that's quite an assumption. Men can be quite varied in their sex drives, without actually being asexual. They're not all completely driven by the need for sex 24/7. It's quite a harmful stereotype, in many ways, to think they are.

I've known my partner just be too emotionally drained to want to have sex. No, he's not lying to me or getting it elsewhere but if I started from your assumption I might think that, and then I'd be misunderstanding him completely.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 13:53

@BertramLacey

No man, until he is medically incapacitated or if he is asexual is ever too busy for sex.

Well that's quite an assumption. Men can be quite varied in their sex drives, without actually being asexual. They're not all completely driven by the need for sex 24/7. It's quite a harmful stereotype, in many ways, to think they are.

I've known my partner just be too emotionally drained to want to have sex. No, he's not lying to me or getting it elsewhere but if I started from your assumption I might think that, and then I'd be misunderstanding him completely.

Oh please we are talking about single men 🙄 the whole point he wants fwb is literally so he isn’t exclusive with the op and can sleep with others. That’s the difference between relationships and fwb, no exclusive no strings sex
RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 13:55

@BertramLacey

No man, until he is medically incapacitated or if he is asexual is ever too busy for sex.

Well that's quite an assumption. Men can be quite varied in their sex drives, without actually being asexual. They're not all completely driven by the need for sex 24/7. It's quite a harmful stereotype, in many ways, to think they are.

I've known my partner just be too emotionally drained to want to have sex. No, he's not lying to me or getting it elsewhere but if I started from your assumption I might think that, and then I'd be misunderstanding him completely.

Your partner is in a committed exclusive relationship with you im guessing? So you are totally missing the point.
AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 13:57

@Blossomtoes

he's been like my best friend through some very difficult times. I'm bery sad abt losing that.

Why would you lose that? You’d lose the sex, not the friendship. You don’t seem to know what you do want.

If you end it with the dignity and style that befits a fabulous woman in her 40s then there is no reason why the friendship cannot be revisited in the future. By then you will be in a relationship with someone with the looks and age of George Clooney. So you might actually not have time....Smile
Poppy101010 · 12/02/2022 13:59

I've been exactly where your are . It's actually scary how similar we sound - I could have written this post .

My FWB went on many dates without telling me . Then one day (after 4 years of us having contact most days ) he said he could t be pals anymore cause he met someone.

I always thought we would get together. But I just wasted years of my life on someone who just used me . It hurts like crazy but u will get over it . Good luck 🤞🏻