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Relationships

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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

XiCi · 12/02/2022 16:49

How could you know he has a high sex drive if you've only ever seen him once a month?

KimCheese · 12/02/2022 16:50

Lied, or just never discussed?

Whatever happens here, I think it's a case of some very blurred lines. It's the constant chat element that makes it messy. If you get through this bumpy patch with some kind of agreed way forward, it would be wise to start to take steps away from the level of contact, as I think it's propping you up emotionally, more than you realised - maybe that's on his mind too. It's not sustainable, or certainly not in a casual relationship.

When establishing my first FWB he was very chatty, and I remember thinking - this isn't what I wanted, it is nice though, but how do we climb down from this level of chat - so I talked to him about it.

Its now settled, we check in sometimes in the week here or there, talk about various life events (the Friends part) then arrange to meet (the Benefits) and the chat might amp up a bit in anticipation of it.

I have also spent time wondering how it will end - I expect it to fizzle out. Or one of us to find someone else. I'd like to retain the friendship, but we're not that compatible (aside from great sexual chemistry) so maybe that would fizzle out too. I'd not like him to drop off the face of the planet though. I'm one for closure.

Anyone going into a casual relationship, in whatever form you agree upon, it's important to consider some of this. Even if it serves to remind you that it's casual, it's not built to last.

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 16:52

@bellinirocks

I can't leave the house as I have Covid atm - hence waiting for the kids to leave!

I think it's clear he is going to deny having other dates and seeing women. But he is 35 he is very attractive - kind of tall dark and handsome type. And he has a high sex drive. I'm just finding it hard thinking he's lied to me abt this.

Fwb He didn’t want to risk any drama, that he would have to deal with half heartedly

Original poster

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 16:53

@XiCi because he refers to it a lot . But obv our conversations are alot more than that , if it wasn't we'd be bored of each other after by now.

OP posts:

Retisestress · 12/02/2022 16:56

OP you sound lovely. Stop wasting your time on a guy who clearly is not doing your confidence any favours! 💐

justasking111 · 12/02/2022 16:57

You have covid well you'll hardly be of interest to anyone just now

Lougle · 12/02/2022 17:10

I don't think whether he's having sex with other people is the issue here. The issue is that you're not 'FWB'. You're a hopeful girlfriend. Your heart has changed the goal posts, so no matter what he says, I don't think your 'FWB' arrangement can continue. You deserve better and so does he.

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 17:16

If he is tall, dark and handsome with a high sex drive he probably has a buffet of women to choose from. The young one, the married one, the working away for half the month one,the ' could probably lead to something when all this other shagging stops 'one. Perhaps you are the MILF one. You are worth SO much more than that.

Original poster

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 17:25

Arghhhh I hate the milf term.
I'm finally alone, and called him - he didn't pick up so I'm going to leave him alone to whatever he is doing - shagging another woman for all I know .
If he wants to talk to me he can make the effort and in the meantime I have some thinking to do .

OP posts:

Tessabelle74 · 12/02/2022 17:29

A 4 year FWB is ridiculous! You clearly have fallen for him, so why not tell him? Maybe he feels the same but doesn't know you want more? If he IS dating, then you need to end to arrangement if it's making you feel this bad

Againstmachine · 12/02/2022 17:33

OP you sound lovely. Stop wasting your time on a guy who clearly is not doing your confidence any favours! 💐

The guy isn't doing anything wrong, he's doing what was agreed.

If you want more op you need to decide that bad have that discussion.

KimCheese · 12/02/2022 17:38

@bellinirocks

Arghhhh I hate the milf term. I'm finally alone, and called him - he didn't pick up so I'm going to leave him alone to whatever he is doing - shagging another woman for all I know . If he wants to talk to me he can make the effort and in the meantime I have some thinking to do .

Keep an open mind, as you say just leave him to it and sit on your hands for a bit.

If you've got capacity now, have a think about what's going on here for you. Do you think this has highlighted something you didn't realise you needed? If it's a relationship, then what are you afraid of? Are you hiding behind the kids because the thought of a relationship is overwhelming because you're grieving?

If this goes away, where do you get the emotional support he's been providing? How do you find a new way to get that (look into what the PP said about the group etc).

This may have been a 4 year distraction, and that's not to say that it's bad but it's maybe served is purpose and you need to find some new connections now.

1forAll74 · 12/02/2022 17:39

It sounds like he may have a few more fwb on the go., especially as he is only 35. All the constant texts and talking, will maybe make it seem, that he is still interested in keeping in with you,, as though he wants to keep you handy at times. I would not believe this from a youngish man. You should not have believed some things that he has said, as sooner or later he would probably have wanted to go into pastures new,

Fwb is quite a shoddy situation to go into in my view, if people just want some company, and sex with another person at times, it possibly wont be a long time situation, because people tend to not tell the truth when it comes to this sort of thing.

Myinsidevoice · 12/02/2022 17:43

You sound lovely and it’s no wonder after 4 years you’ve become attached and developed feelings.
I don’t think you’ve been naive, I think you’ve been busy being both parents whilst trying to have a little bit of your own life.
I’m not sure if he’s being honest or not, I’d imagine that in the last 4 years he has probably slept with someone else at some point, especially if he hasn’t told anyone about you.
Give him some space and then send him a text asking to have a chat to clear the air. Wait for him to reply and arrange a time that suits to phone.
It might be a tough phone call for you but I think you need to know where you stand with him. Is this now a relationship or does he not want that? If he doesn’t want it and wants to carry on Fwb then you need to decide what you want. I totally understand that you care about him and that he is also a close confidant to you now but if you feel it hurts too much to Fwb with him and have him sleeping around then you might need to cut ties.

iwishu · 12/02/2022 17:44

I would end it now, the situation is now past it's best phase, whether he's found someone else or not, it's not longer making you happy. I wouldn't wait to find out out if he has met someone, just move on. Perhaps that is best for you now to look and find something more meaningful.

ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 17:44

[quote bellinirocks]@XiCi because he refers to it a lot . But obv our conversations are alot more than that , if it wasn't we'd be bored of each other after by now. [/quote]
@bellinirocks When you meet up, how many times do you actually shag? If he has a high sex drive, I assume you do it more than once...?

Have you been using protection with this guy?

AllOfUsAreDead · 12/02/2022 17:46

@bellinirocks

Arghhhh I hate the milf term. I'm finally alone, and called him - he didn't pick up so I'm going to leave him alone to whatever he is doing - shagging another woman for all I know . If he wants to talk to me he can make the effort and in the meantime I have some thinking to do .

Op please see sense.

He's never going to be in a relationship with you. EVER.

You NEED to move on. Block him and stop contacting him. He's not wanting what you are, that's fine and he hasn't given you any indication of anything different. You have. It's all in your head.

GIVE UP. Move on. You're just going to drive yourself mad otherwise.

LargeInCharge · 12/02/2022 17:53

You have a few choices op.

Keep seeing him as a fwb but be aware he’s seeing others.
Keep seeing him as a fwb and see other people too.
Stop seeing him and meet someone who wants the same as you.

Whatever you decide, get well asap.

CharlotteRose90 · 12/02/2022 17:56

You’ve built up in your head that’s hes your boyfriend and only seeing you. He’s 35 you won’t be the only woman he’s seeing or sleeping with sorry. He also doesn’t want to meet your kids and play step dad as I’m betting he wants to meet someone and have his own. He won’t ever want a serious relationship it was only fun to him and him being quiet I think means he’s met someone else and wants to take that further. Please move on , block and give yourself time. 4 years is a long time to waste on a guy you see once a month.

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 17:57

Look op, you attempted to move it forward by asking him if he wanted to meet your kids. He said no. He maintained a clear fwb boundary.

He is cooling contact. I have had fwb and never had wanted more. But if one had suggested meeting his kids I would have said no too. Because I had no interest in going down that road as a friend.

All I can see He has done has said it will be good when he can stay weekends, when you kids have left home. That's no indication he wants more. He hasn't done anything but be a fwb.

If one of my fwb, then started getting huffy because I was with someone else, I would back right off too.

I dont think he can be clearer. It's not going to be anything else. Whatever you thought it was, was something you that you came to. It was not a shared future.

You need to chalk this up to experience. I can't believe you never thought he was sleeping with someone else, despite knowing he has a high sex drive. I would guess, you didn't questioned it because you didn't want to. You are ignoring the bits that didn't fit your plans.

What you are doing now, is not what fwb do. I think you do want and do have time for a relationship. Maybe deep down you knew this was a no go, so didn't try to make time before now for him.

But if you are ready, go find it. With someone who wants the same things you do.

KimCheese · 12/02/2022 18:16

Lovely response @AlDanvers

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 18:23

@Tessabelle74

Hopefully after four years he'll give you some communication at some point.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 18:23

Sorry OP, I quoted the above post for some reason, never meant to!

2bazookas · 12/02/2022 18:39

To me, FWB is not about exclusivity, or a committed relationship, or a promised future together. It's just casual occasional sex with a pal, no strings.

What did you think FWB means?

Original poster

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 18:45

It's something that has evolved over time - I never thought when I first started talking to him we would still be in contact 4 years later ! But time flies and it suited both of us . And he has been a great support to me - and he assured me he was happy with things as they were - sure we talked abt seeing each other more - but he was just as keen as me - he told me he really liked me and really missed me when we didn't see each other.
But I think in the cold light of day - he prob has been seeing other women/ I am the 48 milf with two teenage children that he shagged occasionally and nothing more. I'm gutted .

OP posts:

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