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Original poster

I think my fwb went on a date last night

444 replies

bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 10:05

Normally we text all day and chat most evenings, but the past couple of days he's been quiet and not suggested talking in the evening. Last night I kept looking to see if he was online (WhatsApp) and no. Even if he was out with friends he would suggest talking afterwards or he's send me a drunk text at 1 in the morning.

I just have this really strong gut feeling he was on a date last night . I feel pretty devastated, we've been seeing each other for 4 years. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 15:52

They talk for hours every day
She has teen children

I’m struggling to see how time is an issue

Frigginintheriggin · 12/02/2022 15:52

I had a very similar fwb situation for about 3 years. Similar age gap. Didn't see him very often etc. Not because I have kids at home, more like his 'schedule ' .
Turned out there was someone else. Found out when his phone rang whilst he was in the shower..... the caller was My Love 💓
😡🤢
Wanker
You FWB could have a partner that worked nights, you never know.
But he may just be an arse. You seem to know he isn't being honest. Trust your instincts.
💐💐

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 15:55

* I said he could come round at the weekend and meet my children but he said he doesn't want to meet them.*

After 4 years he says he doesn’t want to “see my children”

You wouldn’t see me for dust

BearOfEasttown · 12/02/2022 15:57

@NannyKrampus

People who claim to be in a FWB set up but who are tracking their shag buddy are an utter pain in the arse! This guy owes you zero answers. It is the fundamental core of the whole concept that his outside world has nout to do with you. I had a much anticipated weekend ruined by an ex friend who pretended to be all cool and sneered at any normal aka vanilla kind of relationship set ups and had a FWB thing. She spent the entire break stalking the dude online, claiming how she had caught him out being somewhere else than he stated and obsessing about his movements, ending up a drunken mess. I have encountered a fair few women who proclaimed how cool they were and how they did not have time for a relationship but they wasted an enormous amount of their day and night, obsessing about their fuck buddy. Essentially, it often smacks of desperation and some serious delusion that in time their friends with benefits would change the set up to a proper relationship.

OP just bloody stop! This guy owes you no explanation or account for his whereabouts!

Sadly, THIS ^ is a far more likely scenario (the woman in a FWB set up going loco and getting possessive and needy) than the man doing it.

And I agree with @MrsBerthaRochester - people need to stop feeding the OP's delusions. This guy is not 'secretly in love with her and trying to make her jealous.' Confused

That is 'reaching' on a spectacular scale.

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 15:58

@Toanewstart23

* I said he could come round at the weekend and meet my children but he said he doesn't want to meet them.*

After 4 years he says he doesn’t want to “see my children”

You wouldn’t see me for dust

Its entirely usual for fwb, to not want to meet your kids though.

It really doesn't seem that he may want a relationship with op. Another reason she should walk away, rather than try and push for a relationship.

justasking111 · 12/02/2022 15:58

Go for a walk sit in the car . They're teenagers not primary age.

He's been fun but maybe he has met someone special and doesn't wish to deceive her. So is trying to let you down gently

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 15:59

@AlDanvers

Precisely!!

He didn’t want to because he saw it as FWB!
Op clearly sees it as very different! Hence asking

BearOfEasttown · 12/02/2022 16:00

@2022babyhope

We've all been there OP. Best advice I can think of is just leave him to it.

If he wanted to reassure you properly or confess his commitment to you he would, and he hasn't.

I wish I'd been told when I was younger not to let someone tell you they don't want you more than once!

Chin up and move on Smile there are other men out there who will give you a more fulfilling relationship.

Unless you're ultimately okay with the casual sex part in which case absolutely crack on! No judgement here Smile but it does sound like you want more of an emotional relationship with this man and it doesn't sound like he wants more than he's already giving.

'We've all been there'

I certainly haven't!

Toanewstart23 · 12/02/2022 16:01

No, I absolutely haven’t either!!

grapewine · 12/02/2022 16:06

Me either. FWB is not a relationship. That's why I like it. No strings. But it only works as long as no one catches feelings.

OP has. That's the problem. Not how the guy is acting. He doesn't owe her anything.

BearOfEasttown · 12/02/2022 16:06

@SmellyOldOwls

@SmellyOldOwls each to their own Smile ... I've known women who have only wanted a casual relationship as that's what worked for them. No one ever got hurt or benefitted more than the other - but both were very clear about what it was.

Oh I am sure that's true. I imagine MANY women who start up FWBs with men only want a casual shag now and again with their fuck-buddy... But after a while, (sometimes within a few months,) a HUGE amount of these women long for something more than being a fuck-buddy.

However, as has been said, in the VAST majority of cases, the man in the fuck-buddy situation isn't interested in anything else with his fuck buddy woman.

I know it's probably upsetting to hear, but the OP needs to move on. This man has zero interest in her.

bonfireheart · 12/02/2022 16:07

OP, I think you're feeling very emotional right now. Take a moment to write everything down, text him to ask if you can on phone tomorrow, and after you've had a good night's sleep talk it through with him.

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 12/02/2022 16:10

This thread is exactly the reason I've always avoided FWB scenarios (and would rather be single). It's hard to keep the physical and emotional separate...and for FOUR YEARS!! That's a near impossibility. OP whatever his explanation, you'll need to admit that this has run its course as a true FWB situation.

supercali77 · 12/02/2022 16:16

Walk outside the house and call him? Your kids are teens they can be on their own in the house for 30 mins surely. Id maybe give him a heads up first...'hey, misunderstandings are happening over text and I just want to clear things up, so can we do a short call ' or something.

Thing is, this is about more than whether he's dating someone right now (you cant force him to be honest about it, but you can trust your gut)...and clearly - for you - thats a dealbreaker/would hurt you....so I guess its a choice on whether you keep your head in the sand with that or take the bull by the horns today?

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 16:22

Honestly this thread is making me cringe so bad. Its reminding of the shit I put up with. All my friends knew about my fuck buddy(also younger and amazingly hot) and all tried to warn me I was being used.
Mutual casual sex is absolutely fine if both parties are on same page but you so are not.
If the dick is great then carry on but with the knowledge he IS shagging others.

2022babyhope · 12/02/2022 16:26

@BearOfEasttown good for you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
bellinirocks · 12/02/2022 16:27

I can't leave the house as I have Covid atm - hence waiting for the kids to leave!

I think it's clear he is going to deny having other dates and seeing women. But he is 35 he is very attractive - kind of tall dark and handsome type. And he has a high sex drive. I'm just finding it hard thinking he's lied to me abt this.

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 12/02/2022 16:33

I agree it's highly unlikely a single man in his 30s is satisfied with sex once a month with a FWB. Surely he has at least been dating or maybe just hooking up with others? Or has a series of FWBs because he isn't interested in a committed relationship. Nothing about the situation suggests any more, other than that he and OP apparently message a lot. But if he wanted more, why wouldn't he have pushed for it - twice a month or every week or whatever? If it's text messaging he could be messaging several women at once every evening, or doing so while watching tv with his girlfriend. I've read plenty of posts on here from wives finding such messages on their DH's phone.

Sorry OP, but I think you have been naive and possibly gaslit by this guy. Or maybe you've just ignored the fact he has not shown himself to be any more than FWB you both agreed he was in the first place.

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 16:37

He isnt having sex once a month. He either has a wife/partner or a succession of fuck buddies.

Missnataliex · 12/02/2022 16:40

@bellinirocks

I can't leave the house as I have Covid atm - hence waiting for the kids to leave!

I think it's clear he is going to deny having other dates and seeing women. But he is 35 he is very attractive - kind of tall dark and handsome type. And he has a high sex drive. I'm just finding it hard thinking he's lied to me abt this.

If he has a high sex drive and you aren't seeing him often, the reality is he probably is. And that's ok. Because you're not exclusive. But you're doing yourself an injustice by not speaking your truth and telling him what you want and don't want to continue. I know it's hard and you'll loose that relationship, but someone far better will come along. Xx
TatianaBis · 12/02/2022 16:42

It's not really fair to encourage OP to tell him she wants more from the relationship.

He's made it clear he doesn't want to meet her kids, he sees her only once a month, he does not want more than this.

If anything, it's time to call it a day as OP has caught feelings in a dead end situation.

Perhaps it's time to consider dating properly now her kids are older.

MacmillanMO · 12/02/2022 16:44

There’s no way a guy in his 30s is ok with having sex once a month. Unless he’s in some way repulsive, he’s having sex elsewhere, whether with a partner, other fwbs or hook-ups.
If you can’t handle that, you need to stop messaging him and give the whole thing up. It’s clearly not working for you. I’m sorry you’re hurting. But when you’re in a hole, you need to stop digging.

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 16:48

My fuck buddy used to tell me how horny he was as he hadnt had sex for a few weeks. The whole time he had a partner and was shagging loads of others to.
Men lie. He is lying. Its up to you if you can accept his dick is dipping elsewhere. I would get an sti test just to be safe.

Lovemusic33 · 12/02/2022 16:48

Sex once a month isn’t going to be enough for someone with a high sex drive. I think you need to stop this FWB thing as obviously you have feeling for him. I do understand as I have been there before, I have also been in his position and have had several FWB at the same time. I have teens but mine have SEN’s so I can’t always leave them, it makes having a relationship pretty hard (not that I want one) so FWB works for me, but I’m also the jealous type and I don’t like the thought of a guy sleeping with me whilst sleeping with others, I kind of want to feel special 😬.

I think the best thing to do is go no contact and find another FWB, one that’s not so young and handsome 😬.

Lovemusic33 · 12/02/2022 16:49

Oh, and maybe get a STI test of you haven’t been using protection.

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