First date nightmares tell me yours..

[Oakleaf40]

So first date after talking to this guy for a while...

I absolutely hated it.. He is such a nice guy but all he did was talk about his Ex... and his food manners were shocking. Talking with his mouth open, using his hands to move food yuck!! rude to the waiter... was such a shame .. Tell me yours..

I just remembered this one!
I was about 18 and met a guy at a hobby/ club. I had a crush on his friend but he was older and it was never going to happen.
Anyway, he was to pick me up from home. He arrived in his work clothes, and asked my mother to use the bathroom. He was in there about twenty minutes while I waited. He came out and we went outside for a chat. He asked me to go the local park for a shag on a bench. I refused and he got sneers asking was I a virgin.
I also mentioned my friends who all happened to be guys, and he told me I wasn’t allowed to be friends with other guys.
I told him to fuck right off and never saw him again.

@DillonPanthersTexas

I’m with @CocoCookieCream on this one. If a man doesn’t at least offer to pay on the first date, then there wouldn’t be a second date. I find that certain men only seem to believe in equality and feminism when it absolves them from putting their hand in their pocket.

I always find there is a certain irony in those who complain about a man 'not putting their hand in their pocket' when they refuse to open their purse let alone pay half.

Whoever I’m having a coffee or eating with family colleagues, friends, I’d expect an ‘I’ll pay, no me, that’s lovely thank you, let’s split it, I’ll get the drinks/ next one conversation.’ If a man leaps in with ‘we’ll split the bill’ to the waiter not his date it suggests he’s petrified of being taken advantage of or he can’t cope with such a conversation. Neither of which is attractive.

I was feeling annoyed by the debate about paying but then realised I had something to add. The two most expensive dinners I've been on, the men both paid. One raped me, and the other beat me up afterwards.

I met a guy that I'd been messaging for ages. We got on really well via text, messaging all evening each day etc. We met outside a coffee shop that also does alcohol. His online photo must have been from a good angle cause I didn't find him at all attractive irl. So anyway, we went in, I ordered a rum and coke, he had a coffee. We went upstairs to sit and he proceeded to spend the next few hours (probably not, but it felt that long) telling me about various fights he had broken up when he was out. To be fair to him, at least he didn't like fighting but after the first story, I said that I'd worked as security so had done similar. He ignored me and carried on with his stories.

I let him give me a lift home. We chatted about house renovations as we were both renovating our properties apparently. For some reason, I invited him in to look at the work I'd done (why!!!) and he saw some exercise equipment on the floor. I said I was trying to get fit and so he asked me to show me how I workout so he could give me tips on my form. It was about 10pm by this point. No thanks.

As he left, he moved in for a kiss but I just shut the door. I felt a bit bad as I did ghost him afterwards, but then he got incredibly abusive by text, so I soon got over feeling guilty

@DillonPanthersTexas

GreyTS

I just don't see how in this day and age if you are a financially independent woman you would expect the man on an internet date to pick up the tab. Sure, if some guy crossed the room in a bar and randomly asked you out the dynamics would be slightly different. If you are OLD then it is entirely possible to go on several quick successive dates with different people, it is a bit unfair to expect the guy to pick up the tab each time. It has been done to death on here but it is quite frankly embarrassing when people start using some of the above stated excuses or the cost of getting ready for a date as an excuse to not even pay for a drink.

Please don't try and bully us into changing our views into what you find acceptable.

You'd be better off just reading the threads and seeing if there's anything to be learnt rather than telling us we are all wrong.

Honestly, it's just good manners. And we are all entitled to express a view without being told we must think like you want us to.

I’d ended up chatting to a person who works in the same building as me at queue where we had to go through security check. Friendly, good looking guy and easy to chat with, there was something familiar about him. Went for drinks and dinner one evening after work, it’s lovely, kiss and an intense fumble on way to pub to meet some of friends. After a few more drinks one of my friends praised me on being so open minded that I could have a relationship with someone that had shagged my sister a few times over the past months. I then remember I’d seen him in a few group photos.

A friend asked me to go on a date with a girl he knew, apparently she was at a busy party we attended and fancied me (from a distance) despite the fact I never spoke to her or hadn’t been in her company all night. I wasn’t really looking for a relationship or dates at that time but he asked and asked and eventually I relented, and told myself even if it didn’t go anywhere I would just go out and enjoy someone’s company for an evening.

Picked her up, and she was extremely quiet in the car. I tried to keep conversation going but was almost getting a vibe that she didn’t want to talk to me, which was strange as she was the one who wanted the date. But I’m not pushy or impatient, I figured maybe she was shy so just tried to ask her about herself a little and let her lead. Got to the restaurant and unfortunately things didn’t improve, I would say she spoke about 10 words over the course of 90 mins and at one stage there was just complete awkward silence for nearly 15 mins. I even engaged the waiter in conversation just to liven things up.

Dropped her home, text my friend the next morning and said that would be the one and only date. He replied “but she said she had a brilliant time and can’t wait to hear from you again !”

Exactly. Women will have invariably spent more on even basic grooming before a date than a man. Also dating is inherently more risky for women. It's not an equal footing. I can also assure you that most men who wish to split the bill don't give a flying fuck about equality.

The best combination is a man who is generous enough to offer to pay the whole bill but also has the humility to agree to split it.

Because women who expect their bill to be picked up by a man care about equality. 🙄. Jesus.

@DdraigGoch that comment wasn’t at your comment but rather the PP you quoted.

People are entitled to different opinions....your post is frankly hypocritical tbh because you're telling the person you responded to not to tey to change your POV yet basically telling them to read threads and "learn something"

Personally, I am in the "pay halves" camp because the men I met who expected to pick up the bill also expected that the woman they ended up with would be the one to stop working/cut hours once children came along and carried 100% of the family load while he "provided". That"@ not me nor has it ever been.
The men I ended up with werw happy to share the bill just as they were the type to do dishes without having to be asked. That's just what I always went for. My dating experience (and probably those of my friends who are currently dating too) in the city where we live are what formed my opinion.

I will never change my mind on that but am able to accept that other people have totally different experiences and opinions without feeling the need to tell them that they need to "learn something" or that it's down to "manners" (lol). How boring would life he if we all thought the same eh?

Recently single (6 weeks or so, 18 month relationship) and went on a date with a guy, he took me to the pub and said his mate (F) was going to meet us with her bf, Mate turns up and says BF is running late we get talking and she tells me all about how they have been together 6 months but only just become public as he had a girlfriend...well he turned up and as it turns out I was that girlfriend ...after I threw a shit fit at them both and was kindly asked to leave the establishment I went to the pub I worked in to drown my sorrows and met now DH! so not all bad in the end.

That was in rey to shouldhavewouldhave

Worst ever date was when I was about 20 and still at Uni, took a summer job in a factory, liked a woman there, hit it off, chatted a lot, invited her out for drinks one evening, all going okay, end of the evening she looked me straight in the eye and said “I don’t really like men with beards”, jeez, why did you go out with me then…

As for the who pays thing my 50p is that I expect to pay on 1st date, if my date offers to go 1/2, great.
I had a few dates (think it was 3 )with someone a few years back, didn’t go anywhere but she didn’t put her hand in her pocket for anything, that was a bit annoying

@waterSpider

There is no gender pay gap, for those under 40 and without children who are in full-time employment. So says ONS: www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/earningsandworkinghours/bulletins/genderpaygapintheuk/2019

Absolutely there are for those with children ... but that's not all daters.

For those concerned with inequality, maybe those women pay for dates when the man is from an ethnic minority or have a disability?

What racist nonsense are you blathering? I’m a Black woman in the U.K.. I deal with inequality pretty bloody regularly, thank you. I do not feel the need to go Dutch on dates to offset that.

If you want to split the bill, knock yourself out. Nobody is stopping you.

I've been chatting to a lovely guy I met on OLD two weeks ago, we haven't met yet and these stories are scaring me! I hope he's as nice as he seems on the phone:/

As usual a thread is ruined by rude posters’ “gotcha” accusations of sexism every other posts. It’s not a competition to be the most pure feminist fgs. It’s a thread about peoples experiences.

@Ionlydomassiveones What a bizarre post. If you can’t bear the thought of it…then don’t do it? You’re getting very worked up about how other women date and it’s very strange.

Telling other women that they’re allowing themselves to be bought is offensive, hysterical and inaccurate. To state that it indicates no boundaries or self respect is just madness. Are you quite alright?

Your particular brand of feminism isn’t mine. My sense of self doesn’t hinge on my financial contribution to dinner. And my boundaries are rock solid, but thanks for your concern.

Oh god, it was me that was the disaster in my case. It was so embarassing.

Beforehand I'd been to an extinction rebellion talk to see what it was all about. It was horrifically depressing with a 5 minute 'grief' silence to mourn the death of our planet. I came out and chainsmoked about 3 cigarettes, met him in a pub feeling thoroughly depressed as I'd literally just been told for 2 hours the world was going to end. I downed a massive glass of wine in about 30 seconds. I'd been trying to do the going natural, not washing your hair thing, waiting till it self-cleaned (it doesn't) and I was on week 6 (bleurghh!). On the way to the pub the high wind and rain had whipped my hair up into a tangled knot on the side of my head that I couldn't do anything about. It lasted an hr. He dropped me off at a friends birthday - before I got out I leant over to kiss him (on the cheek!) goodnight and he put his arm up 90 degrees and held tight to the steering wheel to block me. I got out, he drove off. The end.

I've had 2 online dates that were a bit awful. One guy who wore pleather trousers and spent a solid hour telling me how he usually wears a Rolex/drives a flash car/goes to posh restaurants but not on first dates because women are basically gold diggers. After I left he rang to see if I fancied popping to a layby for sex.

The other one just couldn't make conversation. He never volunteered any conversation starters, and everything I said was met with one or two word answers. It was very hard work. He still contacted me afterwards though and said he'd had a great time and thought we were very compatible!

I met a very nice young guy in a posh nightclub in Newcastle back in 1988 (in the days of posh nightclubs). Handsome, funny, charming, not drunk - great company.

We talked on the phone for a few weeks and he asked me out on a date the following weekend, (about a month after we met).

I met him in town and we went out for drinks and dinner. He said there was a family party he would like to pop in on, on the Quayside later. I said that's fine. We went, and the party was a wedding reception. He introduced me to everyone, including his parents, as his fiance. It happened so fast, it was like a dream. Everyone was coming up to me and shaking my hand and hugging me and saying "congratulations". They all seemed to be expecting me and knew my name.

I caught his sleeve and said "I need to talk to you - I don't know what's going on but I'm leaving." I had booked a hotel (for myself) as I was visiting friends in the city the next day. He followed me back to my hotel and I asked him what was going on. He went into the bathroom and was there ages. I heard some strange noises. He had cut himself with a glass he opened his jacket and a load of trophies fell out that he had presumably stolen from the venue.
I was horrified. I called an ambulance for him and got him to contact his family and I left. There were no mobiles or internet then and obviously I never saw him again.

Worst one was a man who talked about his family friend who had just been convicted of child sexual abuse.

This was a first date and he talked to me about it at length and in considerable detail.

I tried to get him off the topic at first and ended up very bluntly saying "I don't want to talk about this any more, but he just wouldn't move onto another topic.

It was honestly like he thought I was his therapist and he was just emotionally dumping on me.

I ended up just leaving. He messaged me saying I was rude and I was like.... dude.

Back in the 80s…
I met a guy, don’t remember how. Talked on the phone a few times & he asked me out.
Night of the date came & I completely forgot - wasn’t going anywhere else, just forgot to meet him. He left a nasty message on my answering machine.
Part of my job was to read the paper & send notes to people having big birthdays or anniversaries. One day I opened the paper & there was his name & photo - he’d been involved in a shooting/murder at a local restaurant.
Yikes.

Please don't try and bully us into changing our views into what you find acceptable.

I have provided my opinion on a public forum, I have not bullied anybody FGS.

You'd be better off just reading the threads and seeing if there's anything to be learnt rather than telling us we are all wrong.

I have not told anyone they are 'all wrong', just challenged what I perceive to be a very outdated point of view. This subject comes up frequently on MN, and it is increasingly evident that attitudes have changed from 'the man always pays' to 'I prefer to split the bill' when dating. The ones still advocating that the man pays for the first date get increasingly defensive as they know they struggle to justify their increasingly minority stance.

Honestly, it's just good manners. And we are all entitled to express a view without being told we must think like you want us to.

Again, I have not 'told anyone how they must think', stop making stuff up, I have expressed an opinion. You think it is good manners, I think it is just entitled and outdated. You crack on you see fit, there are men out there who will insist on paying for everything, so fill your boots. Just don't be surprised these days if you get raised eyebrows when you consider someone 'tight' for not paying for you when you refuse to even entertain paying for yourself.