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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU- alcohol consumption

148 replies

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 10:24

I dont know if im being unreasonable here with my DH so i wanted to see it from others perspective.

My question is, do you drink alcohol in the week and if so how much roughly?

Im concerned his drinking is too much and to be honest its starting to piss me off. Weve been together a while. Were both mid 40s. Young kids.

He will drink all week if he could and sometimes does, in the evenings after work so from 630-10pm/weekends around 3-10pm. I think its too much. I only drink when i go out, not at home. Hes taken to having 1-2 days off but i think thats because ive highlighted it.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 11/02/2022 10:39

Yes it is too much, it will start take a toll on his health if he doesn't curb it, and slipping into everyday is basically slipping into alcoholism.
It's a better sign if he is able to take days off and I hope this is the case.
But also, the pattern you describe is of a person who doesn't have enough to do in his free time. If he's drinking 3-10 at weekend and every evening, is he just sitting around while you look after the DC and the household? That would cheese off any wife. He needs to be more involved in family life by the sound of it so he hasn't got time to sit around drinking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2022 10:42

If you’re being affected by his drinking then it is highly likely your children are also. Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing. When do they or you ever really see their dad and husband respectively not drinking and or otherwise complete sober?. I World think he resents you because you’ve interfered with his drinking time. What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge has he gone without alcohol?

You can only help your own self here and Al-anon would be worth contacting.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2022 10:46

I would also think your kids dread both 6;30 and 3:00 on the weekend because they know Dad starts drinking then.

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 10:49

This is what i keep telling him about his health. He almost dismisses me and would say that most people he knows say they have a drink in the evenings. That may be but when hes drinking roughly 3-4 cans of lager a day, then probably 5 cans plus wine on a weekend, i just think its too much and probably way over recommended guidelines.
Its becoming a big issue for me and i just know as soon as he starts drinking eg on a weekend, thats it, no help with the kids (or if he does, its him with no patience and shouty /angry, almost so ill take over so he can carry on drinking)

Yeah he does have hobbies, most of these are where alcohol is tho eg going to watch his favourite sport at their home ground where there is a bar etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 10:51

@AttilaTheMeerkat id say hes probably not gone more than four days without a drink in the past 8 years

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 11/02/2022 10:57

It does sound as though he has a problem. Having hobbies that centre around drinking is not healthy at all and signifies that his drinking is problematic and at his age, it won't be long before he starts to suffer from ill health due to it.

I do like a drink but never drink in the week as I have to be up for work the next day

Mumof3confused · 11/02/2022 11:04

I would have a problem with that.

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 11:56

Hes up for work the next day but somehow functions

OP posts:

pointythings · 11/02/2022 12:12

He's drinking enough that it will affect his health. He becomes snappy with his family when he drinks and opts out of doing his part in family life. Yes, it's a problem and you are right to raise it with him. The thing is, the only way from here is down in most cases. You need to be ready for that.

Rosieposie101 · 11/02/2022 12:20

He's drinking in a similar pattern to me before I realized I was a functioning alcoholic and quit drinking.

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 12:25

Please give me advice on what to do here? Ive raised it, hes dismissed it and waved me away. Told me others he know/friends all drink like he does and why am i bringing it up? Do i end my marriage over this? Ask him to move out? Ask him to seek help? I know hes got to do it for himself but its like hes in denial.. i cant see a way forward

OP posts:

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/02/2022 12:26

It's not static though op and will get worse.

Google adult children of alcoholics to understand how your children will end up if you stay (NB I'm that child).

You can't help him if he doesn't see an issue, only yourself and your children.

lady725516 · 11/02/2022 12:36

I'm sorry op but he sounds like a functioning alcoholic. He will only stop when he wants to.

Who pays for his drink? Does it come out the weekly food shop bill?

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 12:41

@lady725516 we keep money separate. He pays for his alcohol but seems to have a never ending supply in his car

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 12:42

As in he goes to the shop and will buy a crate and take out what he drinks every day

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 11/02/2022 12:55

So do you work, look after the DC and keep house while he's sat around drinking, because that would drive me mad, it's his job as much as yours to do chores and look after the DC's?
If he's not helping in life and you are doing everything, he's making himself obsolete. I'm also wondering about the separate finances despite being married. Is he the higher earner? Are you getting mugged off in other ways too?

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 11/02/2022 13:07

I don't drink in the week at all. DH generally doesn't either (although he's a teacher and did come in and pour himself one drink after a particularly stressful parents evening recently).

There are alcoholics in my family and most of them started off like your DH, drinking increasing quantities but somehow managing to get up and go to work. Out of 4 of them, 2 have kicked it completely (one was hospitalised and it scared them, one just decided to), one is continuing to work and drink and one lost their job and is now just an alcoholic, no longer functioning. It's horrific to watch.

From this I can tell you that no amount of ultimatums, support, pushing, making appointments or action from you will change this.
You've already raised it and been dismissed which means he's already in the mindset that what he's doing is fine and you're the one with the problem.

This means you need to decide if this is what you want, if you're happy to have your children witness this and if he gets worse, are you prepared to support him financially and with any health issues?

It's not easy but based on my experiences, I'm afraid I would start planning my life separate from him now.

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 15:59

We both work full time and earn the same. Id say i do the lions share of the home jobs/childcare. Im primary carer.

This is not what i want and how i want to live my life. Its just in conversations with him, he makes me feel stupid, that im going on (because i hardly drink). Thats why i just wanted to gauge what other people do

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 11/02/2022 16:02

@Sparkling321

I think the issue is less to do with the fact that he drinks and more to do with the fact that he dismisses your feelings.

Frankly, if you were in a healthy relationship, you could tell him that 1 pint a week upset you, and he'd make you feel heard and respected; he'd consider your view point.

Is he dismissive about other things?

Essentially, you can only tell him how you feel. Tell him how it affects you, tell him why it bothers you, tell him how it affects the kids. If he chooses not to respect how you feel, then yes, you either have to put up with it or leave. This isn't about how to convince him to stop. He knows it's too much, whether he wants to admit it or not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2022 16:11

You've tried talking to him and he has dismissed you. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

You can only help your own self and your kids ultimately; what are they remembering about their own childhoods here?. Its the weekend tomorrow and doubtless he will drink again (he will find any excuse to drink); that is how they will remember their weekends with dad. They also see you as constantly on edge and worrying about his drinking; this is also why alcoholism is called the family disease. It does not just affect the alcoholic; its all those around him. You're just as caught up in this too and you need to get off the merry go around named denial.

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 16:39

Yes you’re absolutely right

OP posts:

pointythings · 11/02/2022 16:54

Sparkling I am so sorry this is happening to you. It happened to me too and it started in the same way, though my kids were young teens when it started to go wrong. I still remember them talking about 'daddy's beer' that he was drinking at 8am on a Sunday morning.

He ended up destroying himself and our family and causing enormous emotional damage to our DDs. They aren't done with therapy yet. Neither touches alcohol. And in the end, alcohol killed him at age 58.

I stayed too long. Don't be me.

Downton57 · 11/02/2022 17:17

If he is keeping it in the car, he's probably drinking even more than the amount you're aware of. There's little point arguing with him about it as he is always drinking/craving drink so he won't be listening to anything you say and will try and minimise or deny or shift blame on to you. You need to decide if living with an alcoholic in denial is something you can continue to do because there is absolutely nothing you can do to change him. As for the 'functioning' alcoholic, he isn't currently functioning as a good husband or father if he is bad tempered and doing bugger all in the house.

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 17:30

@pointythings yeah when i ask the kids what dad would be doing, it always includes “sat on the sofa, drinking a beer”

@Downton57 yes you are right in what you say

OP posts:

pointythings · 11/02/2022 18:04

If I were you I would start by seeking out support for yourself. You can't help him, but you can help yourself. Facing the decision whether or not to stay in a relationship where your partner is addicted is incredibly painful and difficult. I did it alone for far too long - over 6 years. It wasn't until I joined a support group that I was able to realise that what he was doing wasn't acceptable and that I was 'allowed' to leave.

You might find this list useful.

My husband has been dead for almost 4 years and I still attend a support group to deal with the fallout.

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