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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU- alcohol consumption

148 replies

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 10:24

I dont know if im being unreasonable here with my DH so i wanted to see it from others perspective.

My question is, do you drink alcohol in the week and if so how much roughly?

Im concerned his drinking is too much and to be honest its starting to piss me off. Weve been together a while. Were both mid 40s. Young kids.

He will drink all week if he could and sometimes does, in the evenings after work so from 630-10pm/weekends around 3-10pm. I think its too much. I only drink when i go out, not at home. Hes taken to having 1-2 days off but i think thats because ive highlighted it.

OP posts:
illbeinthegarden · 15/02/2022 11:47

Oh and none of them see him now and have no relationship with him. They did for a while but all made decisions not to both at different times. He doesn't care he only cares about alcohol!

RantyAunty · 15/02/2022 12:02

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're doing the right thing to leave.

My first DH left me a widow with 2 teen DC. He died from cancer related to alcohol at the age of 57.

It was absolute hell on the kids. Their memories of him always with a drink and slowly wasting away. He was always able to go to work but if he wasn't at work, he was drinking.

He only stopped drinking because with the chemo, it made him very sick.

Save yourself and your DC.

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 15/02/2022 13:29

I think its sad there are many of us in, or have been in, this position. Those commenting and those following this thread.

Hes in complete denial. As much as he says it isn't, his life revolves around alcohol. Its hard as its everywhere you go. Its extremely boring and lonely for those who do not drink. Its a real shame.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkling321 · 15/02/2022 20:08

Ive had the conversation. I fear this is going to be one of many but i just need to stick to the same script. Of course he blamed me, denied the amount of drinking. Funnily enough, id taken the oldest to his hobby and in the hour hes been back, theres only two cans left in the box, no sign of cans or a dirty glass

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkling321 · 15/02/2022 20:09

*back home

OP posts:
pointythings · 15/02/2022 20:12

He can deny all he likes. That isn't what it's about - it's about him prioritising alcohol over his family and the effects that has on all of you. Stand firm, keep calm, you will get through this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2022 20:18

You’ve told him so repeated conversations are neither necessary or desirable. Like it or not you’re almost as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. Your own recovery has not even started yet.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?.

Put your own self and your kids first now by starting to plan your exit from this marriage. Don’t further kick the can down the road or try and hold this together for them because they will not say thanks mum to you for trying and failing to do so.

Downton57 · 15/02/2022 20:52

Agree with the comments above. Stop discussing it with him as he will continue to lie and blame. Two very sober points for him (not at all your problem):
Stop counting the amount he's drinking. That way lies madness.Don't try and 'make' him do anything, whether it's go to his GP or stop driving drunk. He is not your project or your problem anymore. Just focus on planning your escape. Honestly, in years to come you will wonder why the hell you put up with this for so long. Good luck. We are all with you. xx

Downton57 · 15/02/2022 20:54

Sorry, that post was a bit of a tangle but hopefully you got the gist. Stop talking to him about his drinking and focus on getting away.

CrunchTime22 · 15/02/2022 20:54

@Sparkling321 'Stick to the script' that's the way to go. You're not the one to blame. Believe me, it will be a relief the day you stop counting his drinks.

@illbeinthegarden
Such a sad story. I never found the hiding place, but I knew there was one. Got to admit I never checked the kick boards though.

Downton57 · 15/02/2022 20:57

Kickboards, under the shower unit, in the toilet cistern, zipped into sofa cushions...

FusionChefGeoff · 15/02/2022 21:42

Mine were in wellies

Donutsforbreakfast · 16/02/2022 08:33

Hi OP, you're doing the right thing here, absolutely. I can tell you that as the child of an alcoholic, you should leave him and not look back. My father was a moderate drunk, bog standard functioning alcoholic. He wasn't violent, wasn't lying about in pools of his own urine, just a middle of the road addict. But it messed me up, completely. I won't go into my details, but your kids will be picking up on this, the lying, the secrecy, the resentment, the hostility. And for you, well it can only get worse. I've also as an adult had a partner who is an addict, and at its worst it was like living in hell. The lies, the gaslighting, the selfishness, the arguments, the hypervigilence, the feeling I was going insane. And more.
So, get support, get a plan, stay strong and keep moving forward, for yourself, your kids and hopefully for him in the long run too. You can do this x

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 16/02/2022 09:17

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit in limbo unsure if he understands that this time is it. Should i broach it again tonight and ask him to move out by a specific date? I don’t want to end up leaving it and carrying on. I think he’s in denial over what I've said and trying to carry on as normal in the hope ill drop it, as I've done so many times before

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pointythings · 16/02/2022 09:19

You can't ask him to move out as you are married and he has just as much right to live in your house as you do. That's the cold hard reality. Mine did move out, but getting him there was hard graft and in the end it took police involvement when things escalated with his behaviour. Up until that point getting him to look for a flat, sort the paperwork and so on was like pulling teeth.

There's nothing wrong with asking him whether he is clear on the fact that you will be divorcing him though and that you are not dropping it this time. Just don't say it unless you feel absolutely that it's true.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2022 09:22

He could well refuse to move out.

You may well have to present this to him as a done deal i.e. you have already sought legal advice and from that have commenced divorce proceedings. You need to show him that this time you are finally serious and that you have a real intent in proceeding to move on and away from him.

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 16/02/2022 09:43

Ok thanks, i shall reinforce last night’s conversation tonight and every night going forwards. This is going to be difficult. We have no spare room. Were still going to have to share a bed Sad

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FusionChefGeoff · 16/02/2022 10:22

I think a deadline sounds like a sensible way to reinforce your decision.

Also, start telling people in RL and don't be shy about saying why. Alcoholism thrives in secrecy and if the message gets out and others start questioning his drinking he is more likely to start moving out of his current denial.

pointythings · 16/02/2022 10:37

Also, start telling people in RL and don't be shy about saying why.

Absolutely this. I didn't tell people what was happening in our family when I started divorce proceedings because he asked me not to. When things escalated and I did tell people, I got so much support, and so many people turned out to already have realised that there was something wrong - including people on his side of the family. They supported him, but they also supported me and DDs and didn't take sides. Having RL support is incredibly important.

Beepbeep57 · 16/02/2022 10:38

@Sparkling321 you mentioned that he blamed you when you spoke to him, what did he say to blame it on you? It’s in no way your fault.

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 16/02/2022 10:56

@Beepbeep57 He said i don’t communicate with him how im feeling (its difficult to talk to him when hes selfish and dismisses me because he's watching sport). Ive given up asking for help with them over the years as theres no point. Its my fault ive been unhappy with having to do everything for the kids. He doesnt get angry/no patience, its in my head. Hes not been drinking lots (i had to hold my tongue here for fear of listing out how much he had drank the past week). Feels like hes being watched how much hes drinking by me (thats true but i didnt say anything).

Then at dinner, sat huffing/sad face. I didnt ask him if he was ok, just carried on eating with the kids.

OP posts:
Beepbeep57 · 16/02/2022 11:55

@Sparkling321 I think that if he acknowledged he has a problem & was fully committed to getting help then there might have been light at the end of the tunnel. But with him still being in denial, blaming you, hiding what he is drinking etc, then there’s just no glimmer of hope. I agree as well that you need to tell people as it definitely thrives in secrecy!

pointythings · 16/02/2022 12:46

He's in full denial about everything. Sadly this is typical of the alcoholic - they will do anything to protect their need to drink, including gaslighting, lying, manipulating. He genuinely believes everything is your fault, because that's part of the edifice of his addiction. If he were to admit to anything, he would have to accept the truth about the state he's in and he is not ready to do that.

There's no point in talking about his drinking any more, it's best to just keep very calm and start prepping for the divorce. You'll have some hard times ahead, but you will end up a safe family unit of you and your kids, living without an addict in the house every day. That's priceless.

Downton57 · 16/02/2022 13:29

@Sparkling321 you will get nowhere 'reinforcing the conversation'. He isn't listening and will continue to blame-you, the kids, the dog... You need to just go ahead with your plans for divorce. The house may well need to be sold. Getting him to leave when he is in denial that anything is wrong will be really difficult and that sort of stalemate will be dreadful for you and the kids. So get divorce proceedings in motion. Don't wait for him to agree to any of it because his focus is solely on his next drink.

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 16/02/2022 14:09

Thank you for all of your replies. Its usually at this point i retreat back into my box and put up with it for another 6 months. Because he turns it all round to be me with the problem i believe him (used to anyway), that im boring, that im a nag, not everything in life is perfect and to stop trying to make it that way etc. i know im a people pleaser so its hard. Not this time. Im sick of going round and round in a circle. I want out of this now.

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