AIBU- alcohol consumption

[Sparkling321]

I dont know if im being unreasonable here with my DH so i wanted to see it from others perspective.

My question is, do you drink alcohol in the week and if so how much roughly?

Im concerned his drinking is too much and to be honest its starting to piss me off. Weve been together a while. Were both mid 40s. Young kids.

He will drink all week if he could and sometimes does, in the evenings after work so from 630-10pm/weekends around 3-10pm. I think its too much. I only drink when i go out, not at home. Hes taken to having 1-2 days off but i think thats because ive highlighted it.

@Sparkling321

Just keeping a log on this post to refer back to. Yesterday he went shop and sheepishly came back with a box of 15 cans and a bottle of wine. Ive looked this morning and there are 8 cans left which meant he had 9! Plus had one glass of wine. This is crazy. Thats 22.5 units

When we ate dinner, he sat there clearly drunk, sweating just shovelling the food in. This is horrible and sad

Is this all in front of the kids?

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes

[quote Sparkling321]@youvegottenminuteslynn yes [/quote]
Those poor kids.

As hard as it is, you have to end the relationship.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is so, so damaging.

It means they are both more likely to be alcoholic as adults and also, heartbreakingly, more likely to end up in relationships with partners who have addictions.

You and your husband are their model for what a relationship, parenthood and adulthood looks like.

The longer you stay with him the more damage you're doing them.

I understand you're scared that if you leave him then he will spiral. It's very likely he will. That's a horrible but likely outcome.

But aren't you more scared of the damage this is doing your children, the example it's setting them and the lifetime of toxic relationships and addiction issues you're setting them up for if you stay?

He's also a driver as you say he has a car. My life was ruined, still is in some ways, by a drink driver. Catastrophic injuries with lifelong effects. Even if he's not driving at the end of the evening after drinking, he'll still be regularly driving over the limit. He should never ever be driving your kids as he cannot be trusted. He shouldn't be driving at all as the general public don't deserve to be victims of a drink driver. It is such a selfish behaviour and nobody ever seems to report loved ones who are regularly over the limit despite knowing that they are.

I know, you are absolutely right. Im going to plan to speak to him tonight. Just hope he doesnt come home with a valentines meal or thats a green light to have drinks with dinner… It’s difficult as everytime hes home hes got a drink in his hand and i worry about how its going to go. Its so difficult.

I personally think you need a plan in place before you speak to him so that you know clearly yourself what the next steps will be.

So I would talk to a solicitor and find out what you're going to need to do in terms of finances and the house, plus check the entitledto website to see what support you're entitled to financially when it comes to benefits.

That way when you speak to him you may feel calmer and more in control. And less likely to be swayed by tears and promises.

He probably wishes he could just stop drinking. He probably wishes he wasn't being a shit father and partner. But he wants alcohol more than he wants to make those wishes come true, because he is addicted.

If he is serious about changing and putting the family first then he will agree to split and work on himself to change for the better. Not threaten to harm himself and say you are overreacting and / or not 'supporting' him.

Be prepared for all those threats and have some lines you can repeat instead of getting dragged into a back and forth argument.

"I've given ultimatums before and it hasn't worked so my decision this time is final."

"The children are growing up in a home with an alcoholic and I'm not prepared to allow that to continue."

"I wish you no ill, I want you to get better and be happy so you're there for our children. I am simply putting them first as at the moment you are unable to."

"We've had this discussion numerous times and I'm not prepared to have it again, my decision to leave the relationship is final."

"I'm filing for divorce because I am putting the children first and it's not healthy for them to grow up in this environment."

Etc etc.

But I really would find out where you stand legally and financially first so that you know what your options are re next steps.

Thank you and for those statements. They will be really useful. I feel sick at whats to come. I hate conflict i just know he will say its me with the issue. I need to stay strong

The thing is, that we often forget, anyone can break up with anyone else at any time for any reason.

It's not a committee decision.

So even if he wasn't an alcoholic setting a terrible example for his children, being a shitty partner to you and putting people at risk with his driving... you'd still be 'allowed' to say you want out and break up. He doesn't need to agree with you that it's over. It's over as soon as you say you're done. Everything afterwards is logistics.

He's had more than enough chances and unfortunately each time he's been given an ultimatum and not followed through but you've stayed, it's reinforced his belief that you aren't going to leave him no matter what or that it isn't that bad.

It is that bad. It's really, really bad.

When we ate dinner, he sat there clearly drunk, sweating just shovelling the food in.

This is the memory your kids will have of Sundays as a family so far. You can't change that. You can however make new memories and also show them that it's not a woman's job to placate a drunk arsehole for fear of him getting angry and making everyone else in the house feel even shitter.

@Sparkling321 Just came on to wish you all the best later on, I'm rooting for you, you deserve better and a less stressful existence. I hope it works out for you

I'm a recovering alcoholic. It's very unlikely he only had 1 glass out of the bottle unless you had the rest? I always had a 'stunt' bottle and glass on the go to drink openly - but I was constantly topping up the glass from my real bottle in the utility room.

I urge you to contact Al Anon to get support for yourself for this next chapter.

@Sparkling321

Thank you and for those statements. They will be really useful. I feel sick at whats to come. I hate conflict i just know he will say its me with the issue. I need to stay strong

I know the feeling of dread at having ‘the chat’, but I know you’ll feel better after.

Thanks. I called Al Anon earlier and they signposted me to a local group. It will be hard for me to join as ill have him here/kids in the house but i will when able to

I hope you manage to join. My local group also operates as a WhatsApp group and we are all committed to offering peer support between meetings when it's needed. I hope yours does that too.

If you have any questions about groups and how to cope with taking the step of joining, please do let me know - you can pm me if you want. It's a big step to take.

@pointythings thank you, I appreciate the support

I found it really hard last night. He came home with a big bunch of flowers, chocolates and dine in for two. I just thought, i cant do this tonight. I went in the bath for an hour and went over what i would say /scenarios. When i came downstairs, i saw he had a beer on the go. But he stopped drinking after that. I assumed he felt rough from the weekend. Ive just been to check the box and there are now 4 left which means he literally drank 4 in an hour and cleared away the evidence so i wouldnt see it. So thats another 8.8 units last night. So i will plan to speak to him tonight….

@Sparkling321 the fact he is hiding his drinking means deep down he knows. All I would say is when you do approach the subject do it in a calm way, if there’s any anger or judgement it will probably get his back up straight away. Tell him you are worried about him, that you have noticed he is drinking far too much every week & hiding the amount he drinks. And that you cannot have your children around this.

Just wanted to wish you all the strength and self-love in the world, OP. You're absolutely doing the right thing, the best thing, the healthy thing for yourself and your children. Living with an alcoholic is so horribly corrosive. Keep reaching out for support, al-Anon, legal advice, here too.

Two very sober points for him (not at all your problem):
He needs to go to his GP and be completely honest about his alcohol consumption. All of it. The amount you've seen (and there will be more) means he'll need medical support to stop.
Is he ever completely sober? He must be regularly driving over the limit. He needs to stop driving.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I personally think you need a plan in place before you speak to him so that you know clearly yourself what the next steps will be.

So I would talk to a solicitor and find out what you're going to need to do in terms of finances and the house, plus check the entitledto website to see what support you're entitled to financially when it comes to benefits.

That way when you speak to him you may feel calmer and more in control. And less likely to be swayed by tears and promises.

He probably wishes he could just stop drinking. He probably wishes he wasn't being a shit father and partner. But he wants alcohol more than he wants to make those wishes come true, because he is addicted.

If he is serious about changing and putting the family first then he will agree to split and work on himself to change for the better. Not threaten to harm himself and say you are overreacting and / or not 'supporting' him.

Be prepared for all those threats and have some lines you can repeat instead of getting dragged into a back and forth argument.

"I've given ultimatums before and it hasn't worked so my decision this time is final."

"The children are growing up in a home with an alcoholic and I'm not prepared to allow that to continue."

"I wish you no ill, I want you to get better and be happy so you're there for our children. I am simply putting them first as at the moment you are unable to."

"We've had this discussion numerous times and I'm not prepared to have it again, my decision to leave the relationship is final."

"I'm filing for divorce because I am putting the children first and it's not healthy for them to grow up in this environment."

Etc etc.

But I really would find out where you stand legally and financially first so that you know what your options are re next steps.

Please do consider what I said previously about speaking to a solicitor and getting an idea of next steps re finances and housing before you speak to him so you're clearer on a plan when you tell him it's over.

Otherwise you're going to end up in a conversation where he persuades you into staying because you panic as you don't have a plan.

If you have a plan / an idea of what's realistic as an outcome if you split then it will be easier for you to stick to.

He'll ask for 'one more chance'. Dont give it to him. If you do then all you're doing is delaying the inevitable, enabling his addiction and subjecting your children to an incredibly unhealthy environment for even longer.

Have a plan. Communicate the plan. Then stand firm.

And he is regularly drink driving. He will be over the limit most of the time. He shouldn't be driving at all obviously. Can you at least stop him from driving the kids completely? It obviously doesn't change the fact he could still injure himself / other drivers or pedestrians, or even worse kill them, but the kids being driven by him is something you can control.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Yes i can try. I tend to take the kids places anyway, so its really on the very off chance he would drive them.

Ive thought about this a lot over the years. We earn similar. I could afford our rental on my own at a squeeze but its possible whilst also saving for Christmas/birthdays/holidays/clubs etc. i have done a calculation online for CMS payments. He has a brother who lives alone who would take him in or his parents have room. He would be fine initially. We have savings (which i hold) which i would hope we could split 60/40. Certainly enough for a good house deposit for me. Both have pensions and both fairly reasonable people. I really dont want to start spending on solicitors unless it came to it. Im hoping we can be amicable, i realise that might not happen! Ive looked into divorce and hoping the no fault comes in April. Best scenario for us would be to split, i get 60% of savings, keep own pensions and he gives me Child maintenance. I would have main parental responsibility and they would like with me, he would have them every other weekend…if they wanted to go

*sorry they would “live” with me not like!

@Sparkling321 what’s your actual relationship like? Is he always distracted with drinking? Does he pay attention to you & is he interested in being intimate? Does he take care of his personal care? These are also all things affected by heavy drinking.

Given that we're at the end of February I don't think waiting until no fault divorce comes in is unreasonable, but it might be worth updating your financial know how and making sure you know exactly where all the money is. You should also make sure you can lay hands on key documents at all times (and make sure he can't).

Considering he gets snappy and irritable when drinking, I don't think you can assume things will be amicable.

For me, the amount of drinking is only one part the equation (and it does sound like he's drinking A LOT). The other side is whether the drink affects everything else. which in this case, it sounds like it does.

I have a glass of wine probably at least 5 nights a week. But usually it's while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. After which I clean up while DH baths kids or vice versa and then I take DD to bed (she's refusing to let DH take her for some reason). My glass of wine is not only not excessive, it doesn't affect anyone else. And there are many nights I don't drink - because I have to take/fetch the DC from activities, or perhaps because I need to do some work after the DC in bed, for example.

If I was insisting that DH do all the fetching and carrying because I wanted to have my wine... then there would be a problem.

On the other hand, one of the main reasons I stopped smoking is that I realised it was affecting my relationship with my family. I was outside, smoking and reading rather than inside being available to them. I was disgusted with the way I'd choose to spend half the evening away from them just so that I could smoke. So I stopped.

Your Dh sounds like me and smoking. He is choosing to spend time with alcohol rather than the rest of you. That is NOT okay.

I've been following, it's very sad and I'm afraid I know exactly where you're at. I don't think there's any harm having one last really clear conversation to tell him you're unhappy and you can't live like this any more. Not an ultimatum - because ultimatums are pointless with alcoholics, they can tell you any old rubbish and believe it when they are on the back foot - more letting him know the ball is in his court. That way, when you do want out, he can't act all surprised. And you'll need to do that in the morning, no point having a discussion when he's had a drink.

Then you just need to let it all be water off a ducks back. Because if you have a go, that's just another excuse to drink, isn't it? Just try and get out the house with the kids, do stuff that doesn't involve him. I'm betting you never have people over to yours. Or playdates even.

And yes, talk to a solicitor. Start writing down everyday what he does and how it makes you feel - handy for if you decide to go down the behaviour route and to remind yourself how bad it is when he manages the little improvement that will come when he sees his comfy life is under threat.

My ex used to hide alcohol behind the kitchen kick boards... he would top up coke bottles with vodka and take to work. Stay at the office all night to 'work' but really just because he could drink with no one around him to object. It was absolutely horrendous in the end but it crept up to that level...

The day he left my 12 year old said to me 'what took you so long' I'd been thinking I had to hold it together for the children but they were waiting for me to get us all out of the situation.

He's still drinking 11 years later... met someone else and history repeated itself. She was wise snd divorced him quickly and had therapy. I should of done as it still affects me now and I've never met anyone else. I avoid any man that drinks tbh! It's affected my children my eldest won't drink, can't stand being around drunk people or in pubs/clubs it's hard for him. The little two used to get upset if I drank after he left so I don't drink now and we don't have it in the house. It's affected every part of our lives...

My advice - leave! Wish I had done it years before... we've been so so happy without him! The kids were instantly more relaxed and happy at home!