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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU- alcohol consumption

148 replies

Sparkling321 · 11/02/2022 10:24

I dont know if im being unreasonable here with my DH so i wanted to see it from others perspective.

My question is, do you drink alcohol in the week and if so how much roughly?

Im concerned his drinking is too much and to be honest its starting to piss me off. Weve been together a while. Were both mid 40s. Young kids.

He will drink all week if he could and sometimes does, in the evenings after work so from 630-10pm/weekends around 3-10pm. I think its too much. I only drink when i go out, not at home. Hes taken to having 1-2 days off but i think thats because ive highlighted it.

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/02/2022 14:44

@Sparkling321

Thank you for all of your replies. Its usually at this point i retreat back into my box and put up with it for another 6 months. Because he turns it all round to be me with the problem i believe him (used to anyway), that im boring, that im a nag, not everything in life is perfect and to stop trying to make it that way etc. i know im a people pleaser so its hard. Not this time. Im sick of going round and round in a circle. I want out of this now.
That's the best decision you could make, for yourself and for your DC. Flowers
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2022 14:58

What pointythings wrote.

BTW people pleasing behaviour often starts from wanting to parent please; were you raised by a difficult or otherwise emotionally absent parent?. You do not of course have to answer that but its certainly worth thinking about.

CrunchTime22 · 16/02/2022 16:41

You're getting some rock solid advice here from people who have been through this.

DON'T blame yourself. You can't have a sensible conversation with a drinker.
DON'T retreat back into your box for another 6 months, or you'll be living this hell for another year or more.
REMEMBER just because you have put up with this shit up till now doesn't mean you have to in future. I get that it sometimes feels that way, that you are being unreasonable to suddenly move the goal posts. You're not. You're coming to your senses.

Think about what your family life amounts to. Do you have joint friends or have they all melted away? Do you invite people into your home? Do you find special occasions and holidays stressful? Do you have a knot in your stomach?

It gets worse, Op. never better.

RantyAunty · 16/02/2022 23:41

Yes, ask him to leave. He doesn't have to but you can ask.

It'll be difficult but make your plan to end the marriage and stay the course with it.

Ignore his blame shifting and guilt trips. I've found that saying quietly, that's right, to his accusations takes the wind out of his sails as he is looking for a fight.

With no extra room, maybe you can have a small foldable bed in one of the DC rooms?

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 17/02/2022 11:18

Hes been on best behaviour since. This is the the usual cycle though. He drinks ridiculously, i pull him up on it, he denies, stops drinking temporarily, then come the weekend its back to it. Im not giving in this time. I didnt mention anything last night. We carried on as normal but i am going to raise it again tonight and ask him about moving out. Like i say, hes got options so he wont be on the streets. Hes away for a boozy lads night out this weekend overnight so no doubt that will kickstart the drinking again….

OP posts:
Beepbeep57 · 17/02/2022 12:38

@Sparkling321 what do you think he would he say if you said to him he needs to stop drinking in the house full stop? At the minute he is doing majority of his drinking in secret. You are in on the secret but he thinks he can manipulate you into thinking it’s normal. If he stopped drinking in the house all together then that would stop the habit and also the majority of his drinking?

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 17/02/2022 12:58

@Beepbeep57 ive asked that before but he kind of laughed and then bought alcoholic drinks. Ive felt like pouring them away before. He makes me feel like im being unreasonable asking that

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 13:01

[quote Sparkling321]@Beepbeep57 ive asked that before but he kind of laughed and then bought alcoholic drinks. Ive felt like pouring them away before. He makes me feel like im being unreasonable asking that[/quote]
He's not respectful of your wishes, then, essentially. Is that a general pattern, or just pertaining to alcohol?

Beepbeep57 · 17/02/2022 13:12

@Sparkling321 then I really do think you’re only option is to talk about him moving out. If he doesn’t want to acknowledge it or do anything about it there’s just no point in you wasting your energy. Trust me, you are not unreasonable, far from it. Right now, his drinking is more important to him and he’s made that clear. 😞

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 17/02/2022 13:44

Thank you, with you all behind me, its giving me the strength to move forward with this Flowers

OP posts:
Beepbeep57 · 17/02/2022 22:42

@Sparkling321 how did it go tonight? 💐

violetmonster · 17/02/2022 23:09

Does he drive to work in the mornings OP? There's a very good chance that he's over the limit with the amount he's drinking of an evening (in Scotland anyway, I know the rules are different elsewhere)

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 17/02/2022 23:45

Were going to have to agree to disagree on the drinking front im afraid. He clearly is adament hes “fine”!!! Hmm I reinforced what id said. He was clearly upset and argumentative, i kept my cool and continued to say the same things…

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 18/02/2022 00:22

I have been where you are, and I’m sorry to say you may as well be speaking to the wall. You need to stop enabling him and allow him to spiral down. Once he hits rock bottom he may have a chance of recovery. It’s best you step away from him completely and let him get on with ruining his health, it would be the kindest thing to do because whilst you are with him he can stay in status quo.

pointythings · 18/02/2022 09:46

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but at least you now have clarity on where you stand. I hope you manage to get yourself and your DC out of this marriage reasonably smoothly - you're doing them a massive favour. He is no longer your problem, he's his own problem.

Stravaig · 18/02/2022 09:51

Love to you, OP. Keep onwards with support for yourself, legal advice, and making plans for you and the kids. Start telling people - you'll find support for each of you, and others will challenge him, especially on his drink-driving.

I know someone who was reported by a neighbour, followed, pulled over, checked, failed, prosecuted, lost his licence. That had a sobering effect. Those closest all thought, oh he's fine, he's careful, he's not a danger. It's easy to minimise when you're part of it.

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 18/02/2022 10:52

Thank you and yes i do think once i start to tell people, they will also hopefully make him see there is a problem. It cant have gone un noticed by others

OP posts:
Beepbeep57 · 20/02/2022 21:42

@Sparkling321 how have you got on this weekend ?

PeakyBlender · 20/02/2022 22:28

He will only stop when he wants to sadly.

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 20/02/2022 23:24

Well for all my talking to him and saying about his drinking, nothings changed. He went out with the lads over night. That included a full bottle of whiskey which hasnt returned. Hes looked half cut since he returned. Had the last two cans and half a bottle of wine. I caught him having a sneaky glug of his hip flask from his lads night out (which by the smell of it has some of said whiskey in). Hes just embarrassing sat at the table drunk and trying to act normal. Im done. Its not good in front of the kids. Hes just useless, hasnt helped at all with the kids/house. Its dawned on me that im already a single parent really, hes just someone who lives in the house not helping, just making a mess. Im going to broach him moving out this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkling321 · 20/02/2022 23:26

That doesnt make sense! Today, since returning hes drank the last two cans and half a bottle of wine. I caught him having a sneaky glug of his hip flask from his lads night out earlier this afternoon

OP posts:
Beepbeep57 · 20/02/2022 23:31

@Sparkling321 you need to keep hold of that determination. I know how hard it is sometimes to broach things especially when things settle down and aren’t at their worst. But things will never get better until he wants them to & at the moment he clearly doesn’t want that. It can’t be nice for your kids to be constantly seeing him like that either.

Original poster
Sparkling321 · 21/02/2022 11:17

I just dont want them to think its normal

OP posts:
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