AIBU- alcohol consumption

[Sparkling321]

I dont know if im being unreasonable here with my DH so i wanted to see it from others perspective.

My question is, do you drink alcohol in the week and if so how much roughly?

Im concerned his drinking is too much and to be honest its starting to piss me off. Weve been together a while. Were both mid 40s. Young kids.

He will drink all week if he could and sometimes does, in the evenings after work so from 630-10pm/weekends around 3-10pm. I think its too much. I only drink when i go out, not at home. Hes taken to having 1-2 days off but i think thats because ive highlighted it.

I think its so difficult to know what to do for the best. Especially when kids are involved. Weve lived like this for a long time. Resentment grows.

Sorry to hear of your ExDH

You cannot afford to raise your children within such a dysfunctional environment. What are they going to remember about their childhoods the most, they will remember their dad’s drinking with you flailing about hand wringing. You cannot in any case protect them from your husband’s alcoholism whilst you are all under the same roof and I would also think they know far more than either of you think. That scenario or versions of it will play out in the event you stay with him.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Make choices that primarily benefit them and you here. They deserve a peaceful home, this house is not the sanctuary it should be for them, or for that matter you.

Do not also get bogged down in your sunk costs as so many people do. A poor investment is not going to suddenly come good here.

Think seriously about leaving. Sadly, for most alcoholics, it doesn't end well. And it takes an enormous toll on those near to them. You and your kids need peace and not to be consumed with worrying about his drinking. You all deserve to be happy. It's very unlikely he will change. But you can change your lives. Tell him it's you and the kids or drink. His answer will tell you everything you need to know. Good luck.

I was like this, having at least a couple of cans and half a bottle of wine most days and I kidded myself for a long time that it was fine. I downloaded an ap called Try Dry and I was stunned at how much over the recommended weekly amount I was drinking.

Since then I've cut right down - not touched wine for 6 months - and the ap counts calories, money and units saved. I'm at nearly 100 days and almost 1000 pounds saved.

Would he consider something like that?

@Mojoj ive given that ultimatum before. Said no drink in the house etc but he just continues. Even if we split, first thing he would do is get some drinks in and drown his sorrows…

@Sparkling321

Please give me advice on what to do here? Ive raised it, hes dismissed it and waved me away. Told me others he know/friends all drink like he does and why am i bringing it up? Do i end my marriage over this? Ask him to move out? Ask him to seek help? I know hes got to do it for himself but its like hes in denial.. i cant see a way forward

You can’t stop him drinking. Only he can stop himself drinking. You can’t fix him, you shouldn’t cover up for him. There are lots of “alcoholism red flags” through your posts. Contact Al-Anon who support the families of alcoholics. It sounds as if your husband is at the functioning alcoholic stage. Taking time of work ( to drink) is a serious sign. Unless your husband agrees to take steps to stop drinking ( AA, drug and alcohol support agency or even GP as a starting point) you will live with this for as long as you stay. Talk to Al-Anon and make a plan for if you feel you have to leave. But your husband has to take his own steps to stop drinking.

@Suzanne999 he doesn't take time off work to drink. When i said he would drink all week if he could, i meant evenings after work. His drinking does not affect his work

@Sparkling321, sorry. I misunderstood “ Hes taken to having 1-2 days off but i think thats because ive highlighted it.” My bad.

You might find this helpful www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/self-assessment

My ex H was an alcoholic so I understand what you’re going through. Many of the things your DH says I remember mine saying years ago.
His drinking spiralled out of control and he became abusive, threatening and dangerous. It’s not a static situation. But your husband can get help.
I hope he does.

@Sparkling321 Well, sadly, that's your answer, isn't it? He won't stop. Remember the three C's - you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. It will destroy you and seriously affect your kids if you don't leave him. It will be soooo hard. But a better, and more peaceful life is waiting for you. Take a deep breath and know that you can do this. Start making plans.

Suzanne999 mine became abusive too - he ended up being removed from the family home by the police after threatening to kill me.

OP, the thing with an ultimatum is that you have to follow through on it. I gave my husband an ultimatum, but only after I knew I was strong enough to act on it if I had to. I did have to act on it and I carried it through.

If you can't do that, an ultimatum is pointless. Getting support from a support organisation is what gives you the strength to do what has to be done and the ability to accept it and minimise the guilt you feel.

Personally I wouldn’t say that drinking 5/6 days a week is a major problem but I would say that the amount he is having is a problem.

@Suzanne999 thanks for your advice. 1-2 days off from drinking alcohol so will drink tea instead. Ive just done the assessment for him and predictably hes high risk.

I know, im silly for not sticking to what i asked for. He came home tonight with a bottle if wine and 12 cans in his bag. I imagine that's for over the weekend but sadly ill see how much hes drank tomorrow morning. I hate that i keep tabs on his drinking. I cant help it tho. Hes Still down stairs drinking now. He has a massively high tolerance as i barely see him drunk on the amount hes drank

The tolerance level is interesting as it seems to vary as the condition progresses. A counsellor told me that at some point alcohol isn’t cleared from the body ( I used to say my ex had blood in his alcohol stream) so when they drink they’re just topping up. That’s when you notice they get drunk very quickly.
I recognise the sinking feeling when you see how much alcohol they bring home and find yourself working out how long it will last.
I realised I’d come to the end of tolerating his behaviour when the counsellor I was seeing told me I was enabling him. Of course I was —- he spent money on drink, I paid the bills. I didn’t want the phone or electric cut off so I paid. I didn’t want his parents or kids from his first marriage going without Xmas presents because he was too lazy to buy them, so I did.
It’s a tough way to live. He almost destroyed me emotionally and financially. You will get to a point where you know what you want to do & you’ll cope. Look after yourself, your physical and mental health. Don’t blame or beat yourself up over his choices. Put away any money you can as you may need it in the future.

Im shocked. There are five cans left which means he drank 7, plus half a bottle of wine

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or how much they drink, if you don’t like it then that’s up to you and you are entitled not to want to put up with it.

Two things though: just because you don’t want to put up with it, it doesn’t give you the right to demand he stops; and, if he’s only given up one or two nights a week because you’ve asked him to, he’ll soon start again, it always happens like this.

If you don’t like his drinking habit then you need to finish it with him.

So that's about 19 units in a night. Just to put that into perspective - my late husband drank every day and would put away 140 units a week - that I knew of. He was secretly drinking more on top of that.

itwasn'tmeright you are both right and wrong. OP can absolutely demand that her OH stops drinking - because it makes him snappy and unpleasant to be around, and also because it is risking his health and that will have a direct impact on the entire family, not just him. However, he doesn't have to agree to that demand. My late husband didn't. That refusal to address the problem did however come with consequences. OP's OH can refuse to stop drinking, but he will then have to live with the fallout from that refusal - whatever it ends up being.

@Sparkling321 honestly, I could have written your post myself. Down to the amount he drinks & the times. Trust me, your partner is a functioning alcoholic. And I’m 99% certain that he’s drinking even more than what you think he’s drinking.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you or his children here. His thoughts centre around drink too and where the next drink is going to come from.

I would also think he is badly underestimating just how much he is actually drinking here.

You have a choice re him; your children do not. Make choices that centre around you and they going forward rather than your alcoholic spouse. You can only help your own self ultimately and your own recovery from this will only properly start when you leave your alcoholic. Alcoholism is really not called the "family disease" without good reason; it does not just affect the alcoholic here.

Hmm, i questioned the amount he drank yesterday and he said it wasnt 7 it was 3. I could swear i saw 12 cans in the bag and not 8

Yes lots to think about, its quite scary to think about going it alone

But it’s going to be a lot more scary, not just to say miserable all round for your kids and you if you choose to stay.

Currently going through addiction support for alcohol - nearly 5 months sober myself. Have a bit of insight due to the others I have met in group.
Please please get support for yourself primarily. Alcohol is a fucking awful drug when it's taken hold of you and it may be a while before your DH recognises the impact it is having on him, his health, his marriage, his relationship with his children. It is SUCH a personal journey - and so hard for you because you are a few steps ahead of him.
Look up local addiction services, call them, get support. There's no rush to consider ending your marriage at the moment- it may take a bit of time for you to assess what's right for you all xxx

You probably won’t stop him but try to get one or two dry days each week, only if he gets a crisis, driving ban, serious illness will he take notice and change.
We can only hope that his behavior is reasonable in the meantime.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. It is also not the OPs task here to try to get him to have one or two dry days a week and If you look at OPs initial post there is a reference to that very point.

Sadly, i think a major crisis will be the only thing to get him to take stock