Page 3 | AIBU- alcohol consumption

Sparkling321 · 2022-02-11T10:24:53+00:00

I dont know if im being unreasonable here with my DH so i wanted to see it from others perspective. My question is, do you drink alcohol in the week and if so how much roughly? Im concerned his drinking is too much and to be honest its starting to piss me off. Weve been together a while. Were both mid 40s. Young kids. He will drink all week if he could and sometimes does, in the evenings after work so from 630-10pm/weekends around 3-10pm. I think its too much. I only drink when i go out, not at home. Hes taken to having 1-2 days off but i think thats because ive highlighted it.

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 13/02/2022 08:36

I'm in a similar predicament with my husband. I know he's a high functioning alcoholic.
He drinks every evening after work... 5-10pm. Every weekend, 11am-11pm. He's a teacher so also from 11am most days in school holidays.
If we go anywhere it has to sell alcohol, even when taking the kids out. If we say go on a picnic, he takes beers.
He cannot go even one day without a drink.
He comes way before me or the kids and it makes him emotionally abusive towards me.
I'm not sure how much I can take.

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 13/02/2022 09:00

Sorry to hear that @MaryPoppinsChildminding i just find it so frustrating that they normalise it. and if you question it, its you with the issue. I just want a life free from it tbh

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 09:30

Sparkling

re your comment:-
"Sadly, i think a major crisis will be the only thing to get him to take stock"

But equally it may not. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

Wren77 · 13/02/2022 09:36

Hi OP I'm in a similar place as you at the minute. My partner drinks a bottle of wine every night - has done for as long as I've known/ been with him - that's 20 years. Doubtless he was doing it for at least another 10 years before that too. He drinks after the kids go to bed and stays up until 1.30/ 2am then gets up and goes to work. His dad has had a similar habit and is now experiencing health problems and his mum is having to look after him. This is not what I want for myself!! I have been reading up on the effect of chronic drinking on health/ lack of sleep (irreversible liver disease, cancer, increased risk of dementia) with the plan of using this as weight behind an ultimatum. The resentment I feel towards him is probably irreversible so maybe we are done anyway. The kids have/ are having a great childhood - they have not seen what goes on (yet) we have holidays and adventures together so that's what stops me doing anything. Anyway just to say you are not alone and I hope you do whatever you need to do to find security and happiness x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 09:53

Wren

Why do you think your children do not know?.

Your children know far more than you credit them for; do not kid yourself that they do not. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and he. They see all the empties in the recycling and your constant preoccupied state around him. I would think you are all very quiet, subdued and otherwise subservient in his presence as well and are all happier when he is not actually around. Holidays and adventures for them will not cut it in the long term and are also things you can do without him. And that's a really bloody low bar you've set for yourself here re your comment, "we have holidays and adventures together so that's what stops me doing anything". I would also think he drinks on holiday too.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing; all are affected by this. Their childhoods are also being marked by alcoholism as is your life with this man and you've already had 20 years of this. When will you finally say enough?. You're basically still carrying on with the same roles within this; those of enabler, provoker and codependent partner. You'll likely end up caring for him just as his own mother is doing with her alcoholic husband. If you really do want otherwise for yourself then make a change to your life by firming up your plans to leave him.

Wren77 · 13/02/2022 10:33

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Wren

Why do you think your children do not know?.

Your children know far more than you credit them for; do not kid yourself that they do not. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and he. They see all the empties in the recycling and your constant preoccupied state around him. I would think you are all very quiet, subdued and otherwise subservient in his presence as well and are all happier when he is not actually around. Holidays and adventures for them will not cut it in the long term and are also things you can do without him. And that's a really bloody low bar you've set for yourself here re your comment, "we have holidays and adventures together so that's what stops me doing anything". I would also think he drinks on holiday too.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing; all are affected by this. Their childhoods are also being marked by alcoholism as is your life with this man and you've already had 20 years of this. When will you finally say enough?. You're basically still carrying on with the same roles within this; those of enabler, provoker and codependent partner. You'll likely end up caring for him just as his own mother is doing with her alcoholic husband. If you really do want otherwise for yourself then make a change to your life by firming up your plans to leave him.

I think you are right on a lot of points here apart from the subservient/ bad vibes when he is around. I likely 'wear the trousers' in the relationship in that I drive things forward, get stuff done. Yes my resentment towards him does probably show at times, I don't feel he puts as much in/ does the bear (?bare) minimum - likely too tired tbf ! The kids definitely love having him around - he is kind and silly - no nastiness, and has loads of time for them, does all the weekday morning routine when I head off to work at 8am. So yes I think you are right in that they have I'm sure picked up on stuff but not that they don't want him around. Which is why I am struggling!

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 13/02/2022 11:55

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are right and i imagine when we break up, the first thing he will do is reach for a drink whilst blaming me for everything.

@Wren77 i hear what your saying and ive felt that way too but i think im now at the point where enough is enough. It especially crushed me when i asked the kids about him (in a general sense) and they said he would be sat on the sofa with a beer. I just thought how sad, that is how they will remember him from their childhood.

I already feel resentment towards him for not being there for me emotionally through the years with various things. I don’t want to get stuck being his carer when the alcoholism catches up with his health.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2022 12:01

@MaryPoppinsChildminding

I'm in a similar predicament with my husband. I know he's a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks every evening after work... 5-10pm. Every weekend, 11am-11pm. He's a teacher so also from 11am most days in school holidays. If we go anywhere it has to sell alcohol, even when taking the kids out. If we say go on a picnic, he takes beers. He cannot go even one day without a drink. He comes way before me or the kids and it makes him emotionally abusive towards me. I'm not sure how much I can take.

You shouldn't take a second more.

Your children are growing up in an abusive home with an alcoholic parent.

This means they are more likely than most people to become alcoholics or develop a relationship with an alcoholic when they are adults.

It also means they are more likely than most to end up in a relationship where they are emotionally abused as that behaviour is normalised to them.

And the longer you stay, the more likely those outcomes become.

You need to leave him for their sake as well as yours. You're married so will have rights when it comes to splitting assets like the house. You can't stay in this relationship when it's so damaging to you and the kids.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 12:19

Wren

He may well be silly and kind to his children but he is likely also being silly because he is drunk. What are your children going to remember about their childhood here?. He probably lets them do whatever they want when you go off to work and you are the go getter aka more strict less fun parent.

You have stated that this is not what you want for yourself. So make changes, you can only help your own self ultimately and to date you’ve carried and otherwise enabled him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 12:23

Also he is likely operating on not enough sleep either if he goes to bed at 2:00am post his nightly drinking sessions. Your children are really learning a lot of damaging lessons about relationships here. No holidays or adventures will make up for that.

Your children just want to see you happy so will put up with their drunkard dad for you. Staying perhaps too for the sake of the children here never works out at all well either.

Wren77 · 13/02/2022 12:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Wren

He may well be silly and kind to his children but he is likely also being silly because he is drunk. What are your children going to remember about their childhood here?. He probably lets them do whatever they want when you go off to work and you are the go getter aka more strict less fun parent.

You have stated that this is not what you want for yourself. So make changes, you can only help your own self ultimately and to date you’ve carried and otherwise enabled him.

Sorry to clarify he's not drunk during the day - only drinks at night, not in view of the kids. Truthfully - I totally agree there is a lot wrong about this situation and I am working to fix it for myself and my ongoing happiness and wellbeing - but I am in no doubt that the man he is with the kids and at work is a sober one (albeit tired) He works full time days out of the house and self employed evenings. He makes our packed lunches then gets the kids get off to school and he goes out to work at 10.00. a.m. You are right though, I am the stricter parent!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 12:50

He probably appears sober but it’s far more likely he has developed a very high tolerance to alcohol over the years like his own father. He’s also far more likely to be permanently on a comedown from drinking so is never really sober.

Alcoholism too can also be a learnt behaviour.

How does he travel to work, I sincerely hope he does not drive.
He may well hold down a job, until he does not and at some point there will be a crisis that cannot be contained and then your life with him will come crashing down around your ears. He may not drink if front of these children but they know and apart from anything else they are seeing all the empties in the recycling bin.

Wren77 · 13/02/2022 12:55

Attila - we are not at odds here. Thank you for your insights. You have certainly prompted some reflection!

Beepbeep57 · 13/02/2022 12:57

@Wren77 be prepared that he will more than likely be drinking at times you don’t know about. I have been where you have, genuinely believing my partner was only drinking nights and weekends and was not drinking anything in the day. I have said the exact same things as you to people in his defence about the positive points he has, but the bottom line is, functioning or not, they are alcoholics. I am preparing to leave my partner but I keep putting it off as I don’t want to hurt him. How mad is that? He has hurt me many times over with his drinking yet i’m the one feeling guilty about leaving and hurting him. At least my partner acknowledges he has a problem, he has tried to cut down but he needs to stop completely otherwise it’s just an ongoing cycle. They might “cut down” or make the right noises when we say we have had enough but until it comes from them, it’s pointless. They are just trying to paper over the cracks but the issue is still there. Sorry you are going through this x

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 13/02/2022 13:17

@Beepbeep57 i get what your saying about hurting him. Crazy isnt it?! I know he will spiral when i do drop this on him.

Fwiw- yesterday he had two pub pints, 3x cans, 2x 660ml bottle and a wine. Ive added up and thats around 20.7 units. Spread out from 2pm-1030pm. No doubt the same today…

OP posts:

Beepbeep57 · 13/02/2022 13:27

@Sparkling321 yep, it is crazy! I know my partner would also be very upset if/when I go which makes me worry he will just stop trying completely. I think that’s our trouble though, we keep putting them before us. But we will never come first to them. Until they want to do something about it, drinking will always come first and there will always be a reason to drink… a sunny day, the footy is on, stressful day etc. Your partner sounds exactly like mine, he’s drinking probably the same Friday, sat and Sunday and around the similar times too. He goes to bed at a reasonable hour, say around 11pm and gets up for work. But he is still drinking say 2pm - 11pm every weekend. Then obviously drinks when he gets home from work too. I discovered last week he was taking a can with him on the way to work and drinking that beforehand. My partner acknowledges he has a problem and even admitted that if you ask anyone with a drinking problem what they drink they will always down play it. Which is why I say the partner of an alcoholic will probably never fully know the truth of their drinking even if they are convinced they do!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2022 13:42

I really hope these men mentioned aren't driving under the influence at any point but I hate that they most likely are.

MadeForThis · 13/02/2022 13:51

Does he drive? If so he's likely to be over the limit every morning. I would let him drive the kids anywhere.

AnnaK163 · 13/02/2022 13:59

Don't be scared of going it alone, OP. There's nothing more lonely and terrifying than being with an alcoholic/ chronic habitual alcohol abuser, who will be come chronically ill eventually.
It is extremely difficult to stop drinking, even if they really want to.
i have lost 4 university friends to alcohol -all men who died before 45. My brother died of it at 39, suddenlt (peritonitis). He couldn't beat it and he had a wonderful family. His children's faces at the funeral, OMG

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 14/02/2022 09:07

Just keeping a log on this post to refer back to. Yesterday he went shop and sheepishly came back with a box of 15 cans and a bottle of wine. Ive looked this morning and there are 8 cans left which meant he had 9! Plus had one glass of wine. This is crazy. Thats 22.5 units

When we ate dinner, he sat there clearly drunk, sweating just shovelling the food in. This is horrible and sad

OP posts:

pointythings · 14/02/2022 09:41

He's spiralling, OP. It's time to get support and start making some difficult decisions.

Beepbeep57 · 14/02/2022 10:12

@Sparkling321 he will know deep down his drinking is an issue. But the longer he can get away with it, he will carry on. The longer you stay the worse it will get.

Original poster

Sparkling321 · 14/02/2022 11:17

I think im under estimating how much he drinks. Id say this week has been around 80 units

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2022 11:22

What pointythings wrote here. Its time indeed you got support (Al-anon are worth contacting here for yourself) and to make some difficult decisions.

Beepbeep57 · 14/02/2022 11:25

@Sparkling321 and that’s the ones you think you know about. 😞 I’ve calculated my partners to be 90 for last week. But I know he’s had more snuck in there. That’s only the part they show us. So imagine the part they don’t? X