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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 11/02/2022 09:27

I'm sorry but I don't see anything wrong with that.

givemepiece · 11/02/2022 09:29

Oh and the fact that it's Easter is a red herring.
If he had said "let's go away for a couples wkend and dc can go with (insert someone appropriate)"

Would you refuse this? No because it's family time? Sounds like he wants to have a child free weekend which is okay!

givemepiece · 11/02/2022 09:30

He is choosing to miss out on his children’s Easter

Unless you are a deeply religious family I couldn't get worked up over this.

Sweetener12 · 11/02/2022 09:31

I would be fine with it, too, but the comment about fun gets me. Let him do whatever he wants though and do not get him any gift aside from probably some Smartshow 3d birthday video to acknowledge the very existance of his birthday. I'd also add some petty message like 'Have your funniest fun' or something.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/02/2022 09:32

I see nothing wrong with a weekend away with a friend but wouldn’t most people want to spend a special birthday (if that’s how they see it) with the people they cared about most?

AngelinaFibres · 11/02/2022 09:33

My husband started doing things like this around his 30th birthday. By 32 we were divorcing

DeerMyDear · 11/02/2022 09:33

He wants a boost time with his buddies, I understand that. I also understand why you’re hurt.

Could you compromise and him go away NOT exactly on his birthday but a nearby weekend.

Bigger issue - he might feel he needs more fun in his life, rather than be hurt think about that with an open mind. X

Sparkletastic · 11/02/2022 09:36

When is your 30th OP? Make it clear that you will be having a girls' weekend away for that.

NoMoreFries · 11/02/2022 09:37

If it was a normal weekend, not his birthday, he took time off work for it and it was NOT EASTER, then fine.

But that's completely shit.

Leaving you all alone over Easter??? He is a selfish fucker.

As for 'fun', I'd suggest you start to try doing new things together. Novelty is the spice of life. You know what a bunch of lads are like when they get together drinking. I think there must come a point in man's life when that stops though? But they just want to be perpetual teenagers it sometimes seems.

People do need to get some kicks out of life but I find it moronic that it always has to come with a big bottle of alcohol for so many people in the UK and beyond.

Have you thought about a hobby you could start together? I can't think of anything off the top of my head but something 'fun' that you could both look forward to? I understand the feeling of monotony and routine with kids. You need to find something that makes you feel alive - together. Or it gets dull.

Can't

PreparationPreparationPrep · 11/02/2022 09:37

I'm feeling a bit different about this and think that any birthday should be spent how you want it as it's your special day. That might be with friends, family or alone in your bed.

But you could still arrange a family celebration either before or after he comes back and that will still be just as special for him.

username48582 · 11/02/2022 09:40

The not fu be comment was hurtful and unnecessary. At first I was on the fence as I thought he probably just wants a good night out with friends. But I agree with you OP. I would want my DH to spend his actual birthday with us. He could always arrange a weekend away with friends the weekend before/after.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/02/2022 09:48

I wouldn't mind a partner spending his birthday away if thats what he wanted to do but OMG how rude and offensive was that comment.
I'd be asking him why he's married to you if he finds you so boring???

Rosscameasdoody · 11/02/2022 09:49

I think he needs to grow up. While I can understand him wanting a bit of fun with his mates for his birthday, I think a whole weekend - and Easter weekend at that - is a bit much. He’s said some very hurtful - and frankly childish - things to you and made you feel completely unwanted. You need to tell him exactly how you feel, in the same terms as you did in your post. Remind him that he’s a married man with responsibilities, that marriage is supposed to be a partnership and while you understand he needs to let his hair down every now and then, a significant birthday which falls on a family holiday weekend is not the time to do it. He’s been selfish in making plans without you, announcing them in the most hurtful way, and then expecting you to just stay at home with the kids for three days while he has a blast in Edinburgh. Just no.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/02/2022 09:50

@PreparationPreparationPrep

I'm feeling a bit different about this and think that any birthday should be spent how you want it as it's your special day. That might be with friends, family or alone in your bed.

But you could still arrange a family celebration either before or after he comes back and that will still be just as special for him.

I wouldn’t be making him feel ‘special’ if he’d insulted me in such a hurtful way.
endingintiers · 11/02/2022 09:52

I have the odd weekend away with the girls - rather drunken. I talk to my partner about it and ask if he's ok to look after the kids in advance before booking anything. I've never done it over my birthday weekend because I want to spend at least some of it with the kids - they love waking us up with breakfast in bed and a small present in the morning - and my partner. But if I did I would again talk to my partner in advance and suggest an alternative day to celebrate.

Like you said he was probably planning it ahead and when you started suggesting things he was too embarrassed to say.

Saying you're no fun is cruel. It's a different kind of fun I have with the girls to my partner, but we try and find things to do together that we enjoy, like eating out or family days out.

And definitely leave him to clear up his own sick.

worriedatthemoment · 11/02/2022 10:05

I think its how he has gone about it , nothing wrong with having a friends weekend away with the girls/ boys even if married
But he should of said that is what he wanted to do and done on a more suitable weekend and had separate plans with you also
Also the your not fun comment would make me tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine

Sausagedogsarethebest · 11/02/2022 10:05

So if you were both 16 when you got together, does that mean it's your 30th this year too OP? You know what you should now be planning to do for yours don't you....

Gonnagetgoing · 11/02/2022 10:05

Sorry - it sounds like he settled down too young and wants to have his freedom now at the expense of your family.

I'd be angry and upset that he's prioritised fun with the lads over his birthday (and Easter) and for a significant birthday.

I wouldn't say you should LTB but I'd be laying my cards on the table to him.

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2022 10:06

@Hoppinggreen

What he said was hurtful but I do think that providing it’s not completely unreasonable an adult should be able to choose what they want to do for their own birthday
Not if you don't discuss it. Why should he assume that she'll just be there? What about the children?

What about the cost?

PreparationPreparationPrep · 11/02/2022 10:07

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

Op I wouldn't think too
Much of it - maybe he wants fun with mates fun the type o fun you may not enjoy like when You have when it's your real friends I guess.

PP are almost suggesting LTB Confused

  • I do have a long standing personal tradition that l learnt from a dear friend that your birthday should by your day
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 11/02/2022 10:09

Surely it's really a child free birthday he wants which is totally reasonable?

You've been together since you were children, I think you're being a bit precious about it to be honest. Do something together before that weekend?

PreparationPreparationPrep · 11/02/2022 10:10

@Sausagedogsarethebest

So if you were both 16 when you got together, does that mean it's your 30th this year too OP? You know what you should now be planning to do for yours don't you....
Yes something that makes you happy on your day. Not something just for spite or tit for tat as that isn't enjoying your day. If your idea of enjoying g your day includes him then yes if not then arrange something that makes you happy.
mrsbyers · 11/02/2022 10:11

That’s absolutely unacceptable even just because of Easter let alone his birthday - I would be fucking furious

HaggisBurger · 11/02/2022 10:13

@Viviennemary

Its sad but he was tied down with a family at a very young age. He just wants to have a bit of fun with his friends for a change.
Er he chose to do so. As did the OP.

I think it’s very out of order given it’s his birthday and Easter. Not the actions of someone in a committed relationship tbh.

whoruntheworldgirls · 11/02/2022 10:13

I wouldn't mind the going away with friends part as long as you can go away with yours in return, but this 'we don’t really have fun when we go away' was downright rude and he's an arse for saying that. He either has some serious apologising to do or sod getting him a present