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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
PaulaTrilloe · 11/02/2022 08:34

If his friends are in relationships/ have children I doubt their partners will be impressed that their Easter options have been deprioritised either. Sounds like he may not have realised his birthday coincided with Easter this year? Sounds like a thoughtless teenage plan lacking realistic logistics. They might get scuppered by high prices and lack of suitable accommodation which can be an issue in Edinburgh if they are this disorganized. It might have to move to a less popular timing or a cheaper city. I'd also get him an Asda birthday cake with a photo of you and your children on it saying "happy belated birthday - welcome home!"
(DailyFail sad face Sad Cakeoptional)

eldora · 11/02/2022 08:34

OP, please tell me you are not going to make any effort for his birthday? No card, no present, no dinner, nothing? He doesn’t deserve it. Let him get that stuff from his precious friends.

Frazzled2207 · 11/02/2022 08:36

Bit of a dickish move. I think it’s ok to have a “lads” weekend away as long as fun stuff is planned too.

ZenNudist · 11/02/2022 08:37

If it were just his birthday I'd say no problem, the fact that it's Easter is pretty harsh. Do you have family you can spend the holidays with?

I think he should go either then or the weekend after. His friends will likely have a long weekend too. He is only young. At 30 I went to Paris with friends and dh went away without me.

maudmadrigal · 11/02/2022 08:37

My DH and I got together in our (late) teens and have been together for more than 20 years, so did much of our 'growing up' together, as you have done. We have teenage children.

It was always important to both of us to continue to enjoy time with our friends. There were a few years where that was difficult (we had 3 children under 2 for a while), and a few years where it felt quite unbalanced (we moved to DH's hometown and he had a friendship network he was keen to enjoy seeing more of, whereas I'd just left mine behind). So it hasn't always been plain sailing or even, but I completely get your DH's idea that time with your friends where you're not immediately responsible for your children is a lot of fun.

But in this situation I'd be really hurt and angry. There's the secrecy element. And the comment about you not being fun (which perhaps was ill thought-out or misinterpreted, but definitely needs clearing up). And the finances of it - it doesn't sound like there's going to be much left for your own, or indeed your family's, quality time.

I think you really need to try to have a conversation about it. Is there a compromise to be found (e.g. he has his birthday with the family and goes up to Edinburgh on the Saturday for a shorter stay)? But if he won't move at all or see the problems with what he's done, I think you have got a problem. I hope you can sort it out.

Frazzled2207 · 11/02/2022 08:37

Agree the other wives and girlfriends if there are any won’t be impressed with this happening over Easter. Easter is not quite like Christmas but it is very normal to spend it with your family not just disappear off

RandomQuest · 11/02/2022 08:40

I spent my 30th in Miami with friends. The difference is that I told DH ages in advance that what I really wanted for my birthday was a child free girls trip, it was definitely affordable for us and I wasn’t rude about it. I don’t think the issue is that he wants to go away with his mates, the issue is how he’s gone about it.

Opus17 · 11/02/2022 08:42

I don't think there's anything wrong wanting to spend your birthday with your mates but the way he's gone about it is shit and I can understand why you're upset. Had he discussed it with you and said this is what he wants to do for a change, and maybe suggested something with you and the kids the weekend after, that would have been nicer than just declaring he's going and making out like he doesn't enjoy spending time with his family...

Branleuse · 11/02/2022 08:47

I think that without any wider context, ie if he hasnt checked out of family life in general, id say well thats fine, but the kids want to celebrate and have cake or pizza etc, so do we do that before or after your birthday.
The comments about me being no fun, id be pissed off and id tell him that someones got to raise the family while hes having his extended adolescence at my expense

Theredjellybean · 11/02/2022 08:55

I know you feel. Hurt but you planned, proposed ideas... That you had chosen, you presumed he would want to do. Then presented the list to him. I imagine you thought he'd pick one.
Perhaps you should have started by asking him what HE wanted to do for HIS birthday.
He wants a child free weekend with his mates.
Fair enough... It is his birthday not yours.
If you're 30 and have young kids, I sh imagine the best birt treat would be a weekend away with your mates being a bit wild.

AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 11/02/2022 08:59

He needs to apologise for being nasty about you. It’s thoughtless and rather childish on his part.

But personally I think it’s fine he wants to go away with friends. It’s a different kind of fun. And you ‘letting’ him have a free weekend while you do the childcare can be your (very generous) birthday gift to him.

I wonder if a good compromise would be for your DH to go away with his mates on a different weekend - the one after his birthday? That way you could have a family birthday celebration along with Easter but he also gets to have his big night out. It would also reduce the cost as he wouldn’t be paying the extortionate bank holiday weekend/school holiday mark-up - and it’s shorter without the bank holiday days.

FrangipaniBlue · 11/02/2022 09:00

I'm on the fence this one.

On the one hand I don't think he's phrased it well to you and I can see why it stung a bit, but on the other hand a boys weekend away is not the same as a family get together or a couples weekend.

We do family weekends away/meals/couples nights away all the time but I don't often go on girls weekends away, so that would appeal to me for a special/landmark birthday.

My birthday must be around a similar time to your DHs because when I have done things with my friends we have chosen Easter. It makes sense to do girls weekends away over a bank holiday weekend so that people have the extra day off work (or 2 at easter) to recover/do family stuff.

I do things with DH and DS the weekend before or after, it's really no big deal.

The fact you made a list of things for him to choose from is a bit Hmm and seems controlling, makes me wonder if the boys weekend has been in the planning on the quiet but there's a reason he hasn't mentioned it before now......

theleafandnotthetree · 11/02/2022 09:02

@LunaLights

What do you normally do for Easter in your family? Obviously it isn’t always on your Hs birthdate, so do you have a family tradition/get-together? He is choosing to miss out on his children’s Easter, as well as his birthday…
His children's easter? Ah now come on. That's a stretch
mydogisthebest · 11/02/2022 09:03

@Hoppinggreen

What he said was hurtful but I do think that providing it’s not completely unreasonable an adult should be able to choose what they want to do for their own birthday
An adult can choose what to do for their birthday but I would hope most would choose to spend time with their partner.

If he were going out for the evening with his friends that would be one thing (although personally I would still be hurt and annoyed) but going away for a long weekend!

Also it's his 30th so it's pretty obvious his wife and children want to celebrate it with him.

toomuchlaundry · 11/02/2022 09:04

@theleafandnotthetree some people treat Easter as a mini Christmas (don’t mean a heap of presents) but as family time, with GPs visiting etc. We did when I was a child and also when DC were the ages OPs are

Tiredmum12389 · 11/02/2022 09:05

I think like you say considering it's Easter also he should be celebrating with you and the kids. He can always go to Edinburgh the following or previous weekend with his friends. If he does however decide to go ahead with his plans, try and arrange a great weekend for you and the kids, message friends and family now so your not alone and have a great time yourself x

Phobiaphobic · 11/02/2022 09:07

Why can't he spend his actual birthday with you, then do the weekend afterwards?

CharlotteRose90 · 11/02/2022 09:10

I think it’s fine sorry. Your 30th is a big birthday and maybe to him he doesn’t want a boring meal or meal out with you and the kids. Most people have a nice holiday or a party. You settled down young so I think he wants a final party. You don’t have to be one of those couples that does everything together as that does get boring. Let him go and then when it’s your 30th you do something for the weekend and he has the kids.

girafferafferaffe · 11/02/2022 09:12

I would be so upset in your shoes

bembridge11 · 11/02/2022 09:12

He is unhappy in his marriage. And this his his way of communicating it (v poorly I know).
Your marriage is in trouble- I am sure with therapy and help you can both fix it though;

justasking111 · 11/02/2022 09:19

@bembridge11

He is unhappy in his marriage. And this his his way of communicating it (v poorly I know). Your marriage is in trouble- I am sure with therapy and help you can both fix it though;
What a load of bollox
TatianaBis · 11/02/2022 09:20

I think I’d just say stay up there for a while as I need to evaluate if I actually want to be in this. That might give him pause.

A man who prioritises his mates over his partner, who rolls round uncontrollably drunk is immature and unattractive.

He could quite easily have said he wanted to celebrate without the kids just you two, or have a big party for adults, that’s fine. But to just fuck off with mates without inviting you speaks volumes about his commitment.

Nickwinkle · 11/02/2022 09:23

It's a difficult one.

I can see why you'd be hurt and furious because it's a special milestone in his life and you want to celebrate it with him. He's a bit of a knob to not want to spend it with his family but at the same time it's his birthday and it's up to him what he wants to do. You would think it would be spend it with family...

Can you both not compromise? Instead of him going away all weekend, maybe just spend a night away? Or can you go do something as a family the night before he goes away?

It's hard when we're adults because it's difficult to find spare time to fit everyone in and keep everyone happy so there's going to need compromise on both sides for it to work.

Tbf though if it was me I'd be telling him to fuck off and then change the locks 🤣 My ex husband decided to spend our first valentine's as a married couple with his 'mates' no matter how much I begged and pleaded... Turns out his 'mates' was actually another woman who he had kids with 🤷‍♀️ So I have a no-bullshit policy on when it comes to my partner not wanting to spend special dates with his family.

Hope you manage to work it all out.

Gowithme · 11/02/2022 09:26

He's not 16 any more, he's got a wife and kids to take into consideration now. He doesn't sound like he's grown up yet - prioritising his mates and drinking till he throws up all round the house.
I was going to say fuck him and book something lovely for you and the kids to do over Easter - but it doesn't sound like you can afford his trip, let alone another one for you and the kids. Do you have family you could go and visit or anything? So sorry OP he's being a bit of a selfish prick.

givemepiece · 11/02/2022 09:26

I'm spending my bday this year (it's a big one) with my girlfriends abroad for four days. DH is happy that I'm doing exactly what I want to do, we will celebrate when I come home.

The difference is, we as a couple have a lot of fun when we are together either away or just in the house drinking wine and watching YouTube clips.

I don't think him going away is a problem but it's the 'not having fun together' bit that concerns me