“Hey you”

[FriendProblem]

Can you help with a difference of opinion that I’m having with a friend?

She is single and fancies one of our married male friends (not my DH). She says she often starts her text messages to him as “Hey you”, invites him for drinks without his wife, and likes to hint about her sex life in front of him in a flirty way.

Obviously, it is the husband’s responsibility to stay faithful, but I feel this is inappropriate and disrespectful to the wife, who is also her friend.

My friend thinks it is fine.

I’m interested to hear different opinions, as at the moment I’m a bit uncomfortable about continuing the friendship with her.

Just listen and be sympathetic but I wouldn’t tell her that you think her husband has behaved questionably.

@Mumof3confused

Just listen and be sympathetic but I wouldn’t tell her that you think her husband has behaved questionably.

Thanks. I realise I wasn’t clear. I’m meeting the friend who seems to be chasing after someone’s husband.

We have a long history so I don’t want to cut her off completely, but I am really unimpressed with her behaviour.

@FriendProblem how was the meeting with your friend today?

I’m supposed to be meeting my friend tomorrow.What do I say if she mentions the husband again?
If she mentions anyone else's husbands during any meet ups I'd be rely clear that you're not interested in being party to her behaviour.
It sounds like she's also enjoying the shock factor of relaying information to you, and is generally quite desperate for attention. If you can starve the behaviour of attention by neutrally pointing out that it's a bit odd odd be chasing after married men and you don't want to know, she might get bored of oversharing.

Either say you think it's inappropriate or just change the subject and don't indulge her chat about this.

I see. Well, I would be clear that I think she’s behaving quite desperately and that surely she’s smarter than that.

Thanks for the advice. It didn’t go well. I used some of the helpful lines people posted here about not wanting to hear about it. She called me boring and a prude. She said she was a very close friend of the husband and they have fun together, and she wasn’t bothered about being friends with his wife and was hoping they would split up. She said she was close friends with a number of married men, and it wasn’t her fault if the men thought she was more fun than their wives.

Pinkbonbon posted earlier about her thinking I was weak-willed with poor boundaries if I let her comments slide, which I think is true. I’m glad I spoke up, but it was quite upsetting.

She’s awful and sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder. Why would you hang out with someone like that. What are you getting out of the relationship? I’d just cut her off. She’s calling you boring and a prude for calling her out on her disgusting behaviour. Surely you don’t plan to see her again?

@Mumof3confused

She’s awful and sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder. Why would you hang out with someone like that. What are you getting out of the relationship? I’d just cut her off. She’s calling you boring and a prude for calling her out on her disgusting behaviour. Surely you don’t plan to see her again?

I have a long history with her and a lot of mutual friends, which makes it hard to cut her off completely. But I don’t like her behaviour and I don’t think I can trust her again, so will keep my distance as far as possible. This thread has helped me to see clearly how appalling her behaviour is.

She really doesn't sound a very nice person at all full stop.

She's then called you, her friend, boring and a prude, for having morals.

You are right to not like her behaviour, you were right to contact the wife, you were right to tell your friend you don't want to listen to her and you are right to not trust her at all.

If you don't like her behaviour and don't trust her it's not a great foundation for a friendship. You are wise to keep your distance because somebody like her will turn on a whim and could then focus their attention on your husband.

I get that she wants a husband, but she needs to find one of her own and not try and lure other people's husbands away from their wives.

She said she was close friends with a number of married men, and it wasn’t her fault if the men thought she was more fun than their wives
This is a horrible thing for her to say.

Calling you a prude and boring is a defence mechanism because otherwise she would have to acknowledge that she isn't actually good friends with all these married men. Assuming nothing has happened more than some friendly banter on their part, they view her as a useful toy to pick up and have their ego massaged whilst they go home and continue their family lives.

What do your mutual friends think of this behaviour.?

Not cutting her off as impractical and keeping her at a distance seems like best option. I would be civil/friendly within group but not be meeting one on one anymore.

Good for you for speaking up I would rather she considered me boring than supportive of her awful behaviour. I don't think hers is an opinion I would respect so wouldn't bother me at all.

I think you are a nice person and you want to keep everyone happy by smoothing over things and keeping a low profile when she’s around without hurting anyone’s feelings. However, I would suggest that finding your voice and speaking authentically would be the best thing you can do in this situation. Don’t let people walk all over you in life. You are not boring or a prude - she is vile.

You called her out on it. I would tell her that she looks desperate to people too - not 'fun' just desperate and pathetic. Maybe if she realises that people view her like that and not some fun bombshell, she will stop

Ah. The Cool Girl.
Get her in the bin. Anyone who deludes themselves that most men prefer her to their wives isn't a friend of women.

@FriendProblem She sounds like a nightmare. How old is she? I once worked alongside a woman like this. She had serious issues, now I look back, with self esteem and self-worth. She flirted with several men at work, and once there was a stand-off at a Christmas party with her and a guy she was interested in. He was (fairly newly) married, but was friendly with everyone and made the mistake of telling her she had a super suntan on her return from holiday, and chatting about football that she pretended to be interested in. She went to Leeds United matches on corporate tickets just to see him.

He made a (half) joking remark at this Christmas party about "I'm frightened of Jenny" and she confronted him, was drunkenly screeching at him and it was so embarrassing that the head of department got involved. He was by no means the only guy she targeted.

She did it for attention and what she saw as kudos, as if by pulling these men away from their partners she would have achieved something and validated herself and her attractiveness and worthiness. As if she had won the prize. None of the flirtations came to anything, people made fun of her. I saw her crying in the toilets several times because Mark/David/Tony/Tom/Dick/Harry were "being cruel" to her when they were just playing with her to boost their own ego.

Seriously messed up person.

[quote ImJustMadAboutSaffron]@FriendProblem She sounds like a nightmare. How old is she? I once worked alongside a woman like this. She had serious issues, now I look back, with self esteem and self-worth. She flirted with several men at work, and once there was a stand-off at a Christmas party with her and a guy she was interested in. He was (fairly newly) married, but was friendly with everyone and made the mistake of telling her she had a super suntan on her return from holiday, and chatting about football that she pretended to be interested in. She went to Leeds United matches on corporate tickets just to see him.

He made a (half) joking remark at this Christmas party about "I'm frightened of Jenny" and she confronted him, was drunkenly screeching at him and it was so embarrassing that the head of department got involved. He was by no means the only guy she targeted.

She did it for attention and what she saw as kudos, as if by pulling these men away from their partners she would have achieved something and validated herself and her attractiveness and worthiness. As if she had won the prize. None of the flirtations came to anything, people made fun of her. I saw her crying in the toilets several times because Mark/David/Tony/Tom/Dick/Harry were "being cruel" to her when they were just playing with her to boost their own ego.

Seriously messed up person.[/quote]
She and Jenny sound very similar. It does seem like she is targeting men. She’s in her late 30s.

She sounds pretty awful and incredibly insecure. Like pp said she clearly gains a lot of her self worth by getting attention from married men and perceives this as meaning she's better than them. It's pretty sad really.

That should have read better than their wives.

@Mumof3confused

I think you are a nice person and you want to keep everyone happy by smoothing over things and keeping a low profile when she’s around without hurting anyone’s feelings. However, I would suggest that finding your voice and speaking authentically would be the best thing you can do in this situation. Don’t let people walk all over you in life. You are not boring or a prude - she is vile.

Your comment is really kind and very useful, thank you. I need to work on my confidence and speak authentically. I’m very grateful to everyone who has taken the time to comment on this thread. It has been immensely helpful.

She’s just messaged my DH! Asking to meet him with the excuse of talking about helping her repair my friendship with her.

I think some of the previous posters predicted this.

Oops, name change fail!

Change of target......the target always being the wife that she needs to "beat" by "winning" the husband.

She said….it wasn’t her fault if men thought she was more fun than their wives.

She’s an operator and your H is her next challenge. She has no shame…or loyalty.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Change of target......the target always being the wife that she needs to "beat" by "winning" the husband.

I think you are right. She’s quite attractive and quite nice normally, other than when she’s on the manhunt, so it is sad if she feels she needs to beat her friends.