Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“Hey you”

175 replies

FriendProblem · 10/02/2022 09:56

Can you help with a difference of opinion that I’m having with a friend?

She is single and fancies one of our married male friends (not my DH). She says she often starts her text messages to him as “Hey you”, invites him for drinks without his wife, and likes to hint about her sex life in front of him in a flirty way.

Obviously, it is the husband’s responsibility to stay faithful, but I feel this is inappropriate and disrespectful to the wife, who is also her friend.

My friend thinks it is fine.

I’m interested to hear different opinions, as at the moment I’m a bit uncomfortable about continuing the friendship with her.

OP posts:
Lemis · 10/02/2022 11:37

Personally I wouldnt be frends or keep someone with such lose morals around me.

She has made it clear that she doesnt respect her friends relationship despite the friendship between them.

Who's to say she wouldn't ever fancy your husband and make moves on him.

Disgusting

bongobingo43 · 10/02/2022 11:38

@FriendProblem

Thanks everyone for such quick responses!

Clarice The “Hey you” sounds flirty to me. But it’s interesting to hear that you think it is innocuous.

The "hey you" personally sounds slightly on the flirtier side of the lien than not. I do accept it could be innocent on its own.

However, with the other points you've mentioned, i.e. hinting about her sex life in a flirty way AND inviting him out for drinks alone is a much bigger red flag for me.

Think you might be focussing on the wrong part..:.

Pinkbonbon · 10/02/2022 11:41

Well is the husband going out on these solo dates with her? If so, then presumably she knows already.

If not then I'd take her out for coffee and say 'hey, so heads up, Sandra was talking to me the other day and she says she fancies your husband and she has been inviting him to go out places without you? We're you aware? Anyway, I've decided not to stay friends with her anymore. And Im also giving you a heads up because I'd like to think anyone would do the same for me'.

isthismylifenow · 10/02/2022 11:42

She had put you in an awful postion. His wife is your friend too.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 10/02/2022 11:49

The "hey you" is a strange way to great someone and I think it sounds a bit rude, definitely not flirty. The rest of it is put of order though.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 10/02/2022 11:50

How does the bloke respond? I would be more likely to speak to him and tell him you know the friend is flirting with him but assume he's told his wife so save you from doing it. If he IS meeting her then I would definitely tell the wife. But hopefully he is trying to ignore the flirting......

Pinkbonbon · 10/02/2022 11:53

FYI she is also testing you. She want to know how you'll react to these comments. If you'll just let them slide then she knows you are weak willed, with poor boundaries. And then you'll probably become some sort of target because she knows she can walk all over you.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/02/2022 11:59

TBH, @FriendProblem, if this is indicative of her general behaviour and standards, I’m not surprised she’s been single for a long time.

Raindancer411 · 10/02/2022 12:03

Are you able to speak to him, rather than the wife and say you are aware? May keep him on the straight and narrow and avoid you having to bring it up to friend?

MrsWinters · 10/02/2022 12:06

I’m not sure talking about her sex life and telling someone about the other guys she’s bonking is a great flirting technique! I doubt she’ll get very far with him, he just sounds like a silly man who is flattered by the attention

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 10/02/2022 12:06

Can someone explain the " hey you" being flirty?

To me it just sound weird I go with a universal hey or maybe a short hi.

Teaforme123 · 10/02/2022 12:07

She sounds like an absolute knob and I'm glad she's not my friend. What if it suddenly becomes your husband one day OP?!

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 10/02/2022 12:08

Also is there any other innocuous language to keep in mind.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 10/02/2022 12:10

To me when I hear hey you I get Joe Goldberg vibes now. This revelation has me spun

Fahrted · 10/02/2022 12:13

I can't imagine beginning a message to anyone, ever, with "hey you".

If someone started a message to me in that manner, I would think they were a complete dick, and probably 12 years old. So her flirting might not have the desired effect.

That aside, I would not stop being friends with someone based on whether or not they were trying to get a married man into bed. My friends' "moral compasses" are not my responsibility (and mine is not perfect, so I would not want to judge anyone else). I would probably take the piss out of them, though.

EmpressSuiko · 10/02/2022 12:13

I don’t know if it’s regional but where I grew up”Hey you” was always something people would say to their crush/bf/gf etc. If you heard it said out loud you’d understand why it’s flirty, it’s emphasising that you only want to speak to them and you want all their attention. Again this could be a regional or even generational thing but this woman is 100% using it in this manner.

Fahrted · 10/02/2022 12:35

I think my mum used to say similar to the dogs (though more probably "Oi, you". It normally meant they were rolling in fox poo or some such. Decidedly not flirtatious...

JaneJeffer · 10/02/2022 12:37

Are they members of The Rock Steady Crew?

Glamping1234 · 10/02/2022 12:39

Horrible! I would struggle to stay friends with her to be honest. If she can do this to one friend what's to say she wouldn't do it to you also? she clearly lacks morals.

Mananna · 10/02/2022 12:43

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

Can someone explain the " hey you" being flirty?

To me it just sound weird I go with a universal hey or maybe a short hi.

To me it signifies something like "hey you special person who I have such a connection with". There is an implied intimacy about it.

It's what first got my heckles up when I saw a notification pop up on my husband's phone from a woman I'd never heard of, I snooped and saw messages, seemingly just friendly, but lots of "hey you" at the start of their texts, which made me very uneasy.

Sure enough it progressed to them arranging to meet up and him lying to me that he was going on a work trip.

TheVanguardSix · 10/02/2022 12:55

I ended a friendship with two people over this, OP.
I was at a party, having a long, long chat with my best (male) friend's fiance (who was lovely), went upstairs to the loo only to find my best (female) friend giving best male friend a hummer. Boom. I was done with them there and then. And although I didn't tell the fiance, I am certain she found out later. This was many years ago and on reflection over the years, both of those former friends were extreme narcissists. We throw that word around a lot on MN, but seriously, they were textbook narcissists and total sociopaths with an agenda (my female friend in particular enjoyed breaking up relationships and always had relationships with men who had left someone for her. It happens in life- attached people meet other attached people- but in her case, she had this pathological need to destroy and undermine people and relationships).

My policy is, don't hang out with dicks. And I'm glad you're strongly considering ending the friendship. You really ought to.

rambleonplease · 10/02/2022 12:58

God no! She is a selfish cow! I almost got involved with a married man... I had no idea he was married and fancied the pants off him. Then one day someone clocked this and told me, seriously that was the end of that crush! I didn't know his wife at all, it's just a big fat n

rambleonplease · 10/02/2022 12:59

No, that is meant to say.

Crazykatie · 10/02/2022 13:09

Not a good friend at all, if I knew his wife I would tell friend to back off.
If a marriage breaker is attractive and persistent she will usually succeed, men are very easily seduced married or not, if they think they will get away with it

AdultingInTheCountryside · 10/02/2022 13:15

@Traumdeuter

She sounds like a twat. I think I’d probably stay friends if you have a lot of history or if she has some nice qualities, but shut down all conversations about this matter: “I’ve told you what I think, I don’t want to hear about it”
Totally agree massive twat