Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

[PocketRocket81]

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

@PocketRocket81

Having read through every single response to this, the ones that stick in my mind are those calling out MY behaviour. Am I really that bad for shouting at him when my emotions are high and looking through his bag on a hunch? Have I caused this do you think?

No you're not. Most of us would feel the same if we found an HIV testing kit in our husband's belongings. He probably hasn't got HIV but the implications of him having such a thing are huge.

Be tested to put your mind at rest and seriously consider ending this marriage.

I don't understanding you 'letting him' get in the bath; you could hardly stop him bathing in his own home, whatever he has done.

@PocketRocket81

Having read through every single response to this, the ones that stick in my mind are those calling out MY behaviour. Am I really that bad for shouting at him when my emotions are high and looking through his bag on a hunch? Have I caused this do you think?

Ohh dearest...

No. Please no. Don't internalise some crappy posts who are too willing to excuse him instead of understanding what you are going throu right now.

This is your husband, your partner. The person who supposedly wants the best for you without putting you at any kind of risk. Your husband should love you enough to communicate with you if your health is at risk - and your health is at risk if he's taking a HIV test without logical explanation as to why.

The fact he's been lying, he doesn't want you to access his phone, he doesn't explain logically and calmly why the HIV test was in his bag, he 's blocking you from an open conversation and walked out when you again press him for answers this morning, tells its own story.

Don't give a fuck about posts calling you out on your behaviour, they don't give a shit about you. He is an arsehole who has put your life at risk.

Has he shown any symptoms of health anxiety/OCD before? My sister has this and becomes convinced she has HIV despite the fact that she's a virgin. She is convinced she might have picked it up from a toilet seat or any other area where people might be partially clothed and it's somehow transferring from her hands and infecting everybody else. Could be a possibility. But I feel that you might have noticed it before? She can't hide her obsessions at all, they are all consuming.

His reaction to this is very suspicious to me.

@Supertree

Has he shown any symptoms of health anxiety/OCD before? My sister has this and becomes convinced she has HIV despite the fact that she's a virgin. She is convinced she might have picked it up from a toilet seat or any other area where people might be partially clothed and it's somehow transferring from her hands and infecting everybody else. Could be a possibility. But I feel that you might have noticed it before? She can't hide her obsessions at all, they are all consuming.

Seriously, what's wrong with you people pushing the OCD angle?

It's fucking tragic if you read OP posts.

@PocketRocket81 you are 100% right on this! Don't doubt yourself or your reaction from last night. Of course this is a shady behavior! You deserve better! You even came here to ask outsiders' opinion on the subject so you don't overreact if people thinks this is normal. Andany people said "it is HIV awareness week", "he probably got it at work". So approached the subject in a reasonable way but the hiding etc. he did later on proved them wrong.

I agree with @alondra. I would find a solicitor to consult. You don't have to get a divorce, just to know your options. Also do it secretly so he does see it coming...
Male rape, health anxiety bla bla... This is not an episode of Sinner where a hidden reason will be revealed at the end of the episode! This is a basic cheater behavior. If he was male raped, do you think he would be telling friends on WhatsApp?! Deleting the messages to hide it from his wife?! No.
I don't know how old you are but it is never too late to dumb the dead weight and start fresh. You deserve an honest partner not a serial cheater ❤️

Has he taken the test with him ? It's odd that he is so sure you are not at any risk if he believes there might be any chance that he could be positive, is it something he has done since you last had sex together ?

He doesn't see it coming*

I don't think there's anything wrong with your behaviour OP. Your reactions are normal. His behaviour on the other hand stinks of guilt and wanting to run away from responsibility. You already know he's a cheater. You already know he's lied about the test being a prank. And you already know he has no interest in discussing it with you. If I were in his position I'd be bending over backwards to prove to my DH that it wasn't anything to worry about. Unless of course it was, in which case I'd also try to run away.

Where does he work away?
Have you had sex since he came back?

Has cheated before
Is distant and cold
Works away from home
Has HIV test in bag
Lame excuse for it being there
Avoids when confronted
Won't let you check phone..

Of course you are right to assume he's cheated. I hope that you get some answers soon.

Having read through every single response to this, the ones that stick in my mind are those calling out MY behaviour

Don't fucking listen OP, you don't have to defend yourself to anyone.

He had a HIV test because he believes there is a chance that he's contracted HIV, it really is that simple.

He wouldn't let you look in his phone becaus he wanted time to delete the cheating evidence, and he's refusing to have a conversation because he's lying.

He's playing fast and loose with your sexual health again and you deserve answers, by any means necessary.

There is nothing wrong with your behaviour and everything with his.

Regardless of how he thinks he may have contracted it, the fact is presuming you still have a sexual relationship there is every chance he could have passed it to you, so it should be something that is being discussed, not fucking hidden.

Why would you think he had been raped?

@Closetbeanmuncher
I don't read anywhere that the test kit was used.
Where did you read that?
Having a test kit in his bag doesn't mean it was used and the OP makes no mention of it being opened/used.

OP ignore those focusing on your reaction. There's a weird trend on here that dictates women aren't allowed to lose their cool or react angrily. Everyone gets angry, everyone shouts, and people who say they never do are a worry quite frankly. It's a normal human reaction, and it's NOT the same as being abusive. Which is a word that gets thrown around out of context in this board a lot.

Anyway. Your brain must be spinning today. If he's saying he knows you're absolutely not at risk of infection, then that does tie in more with him saying it's a health anxiety thing. Definitely the right move to get yourself tested anyway!!!

But is he usually this cagey? Surely the sensible thing to do as he knows you're clearly worried sick and thinking the worst, would be to sit down and talk to you properly about it. That's the thing that's not adding up. And whilst I'm not jumping automatically to cheating, it's not looking good is it.

What do you want to do OP? Aside from having him talk to you openly about what's going on?

In your shoes I would have tasted the same, I don't think it's wrong as such. It's absolutely understandable to be scared, even terrified, if you think the person you are having sex with could have HIV. Not just because of the whole "have they cheated" thing but because it's a life long disease and while it's managed much better these days it is still a HUGE illness and nobody would want it. Not to mention the stigma attached to it.

You say you looked in his bag on a hunch. Follow your gut. You don't realise it but you already have a good idea what it is that has triggered this hunch. The simplest thing is likely the truth. He's cheated before. He was cleared of STDs, as were you. He's been acting withdrawn and is now trying to gaslight you and walked out instead of slaying your fears or explaining. Remove the HIV test and it sounds very like every other thread on here where the man has cheated. Add the test back in, and If anything it's more of a confirmation that he's cheated.... as he had the all clear previously. Nobody adds their imaginary health anxiety symptoms up and gets HIV.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz because someone on the thread came up with that surreal male rape theory 🙄

0.00000001% chance that it was a male rape
0.1% chance it was a healthy anxiety without any basis

Him purchasing HIV test for himself and telling his wife "you have nothing to worry about" is 100% selfish, a..hole behavior!

C'mon people, humans are not that complex... This is not a thriller on Netflix... People cheat all the time in real life. Everyone is basic.

Also the guy who called out her "abusive" behavior gotta shake himself a bit!! I am sorry but I cannot stand this male dominant, cheating justifying comments. This woman is hurt by previous cheating! This woman's mental and physical healthy is probably in danger due to this HIV possibility! How dare you to call out her behavior?!

Can we please stop saying this might be health anxiety please?
Many of us suffer with health anxiety and our behaviours where we're seeking assurance do not include ordering test kits, whilst distancing from our partners and not telling them anything, until the kit is found, then lying about it.

The response of its a joke, and no you can't look at my phone are not inline with health anxiety.

For example, when I worry about HIV etc, the googling from my phone is fucking mental.
You'll find things like "can you pick up HIV from a sharp surface"
"Can you get HIV from a toilet seat"
"Can you get HIV if there's blood on a toilet seat?"
"Can I have come into contact with HIV without knowing?"
"HIV symptoms"
"Is it possible for a false HIV test?"
.....and more that are too embarrassing to share.
At that time I do tend to spiral, I do get distant from my DH, but then I also have a point quite quickly where I say to him, I'm worried I think I've got HIV. I'm just worried. What if I've got it? What if I've given it to you? What if I got it from that cut I got on that box in costco? Because I feel guilty and I don't want to be touched because I feel worried what If I've caught it and I'll pass it on.
And then I go back to googling, and at some point (it might take days!) I come to my senses and start actually using facts like I haven't been exposed in any real terms- not even the sharp box in costco (I'm laughing about it because in a non anxious state I know that it's absolutely preposterous to think I could catch HIV that way)

I think this is how most people with health anxiety are.

Not, let me shut my partner out then lie, clear my phone, hide, slope off and hide some more.

Let's not give this lying piece of work any opportunity here to wriggle out of what he's doing to his poor wife.

OP I'm so sorry that you're going through this. HIV isn't a death sentence anymore but it is despicable the way your DH is carrying on.

Just throwing it out there that I have supported heterosexual men diagnosed with HIV as a result of male rape.

I have also supported people with HIV anxiety who continue to test because of a perceived or real risk from something many years ago even with several already taken negative test results.

There might be a tiny chance of this being the case but possible nonetheless

How can he be sure you don’t have to worry about catching it from him yet he feels he needs to test.

That surely means somethings happened between now and the last time you had sex that’s made him worry he might have hiv.

@Nowayoutonlydown that's your experience of health anxiety, not everyones. Mine does include distancing myself from people, shutting down conversations because I'm embarrassed to talk about my (usually) unfounded worries.

But as I said, much of what he's saying doesn't add up. Including changing his story. So whatever it is, it's nothing good.

Unclench @LoisLane66 😂

He has a HIV test kit in his possession because he believes there is a possibility he has contracted HIV.

@HIVpos

Just throwing it out there that I have supported heterosexual men diagnosed with HIV as a result of male rape.

I have also supported people with HIV anxiety who continue to test because of a perceived or real risk from something many years ago even with several already taken negative test results.

There might be a tiny chance of this being the case but possible nonetheless

This is crap advice when you read the behaviour of the OP's husband. Stop generalising and focus on what the OP is saying.

He has a HIV test kit in his possession because he believes there is a possibility he has contracted HIV

Bingo. He is a married man who knows he's been exposed to HIV, hence the test in his bag and behaviour.

Everything else is redundant.