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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

456 replies

PocketRocket81 · 09/02/2022 11:14

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

OP posts:
Gowithme · 10/02/2022 08:27

Oh now he's changed his story to health anxiety - goodness that must be awful for him. Funny though his anxiety only seems to relate to a disease that's difficult to catch for the average person - apart from though unprotected sex. I wonder why he might have health anxiety relating to HIV.....

He's prick OP, and I don't blame you one bit for losing your shit. He's the one who is abusive - lying, cheating and putting your health at risk. Not to mention he has previous and so should be understanding of your concerns and want to reassure you by showing you his phone - if he has nothing to hide then why wouldn't he?

Original poster
PocketRocket81 · 10/02/2022 08:33

Thanks you everyone for your replies and concerns, I will of course get tested. I can’t believe this is happening to me.

So after an evening of silence ‘because he doesn’t like conflict’ he slept in the spare room. I have tried to approach the subject this morning in a much gentler way and he has said he doesn’t want to talk about it but can assure me that I am not in any danger of testing positive. He has packed a bag and walked out.

Whether this be a health anxiety or something more sinister, surely his behaviour is completely wrong?

OP posts:
scaredsadandstuck · 10/02/2022 08:34

OP how are you this morning?

PainterMummy · 10/02/2022 08:36

How horrible. You must be so upset and scared op. Please go get yourself tested. Clearly he’s lying to you.

littlecottonbud · 10/02/2022 08:38

Does he have a friend/brother you can talk to and ask if they know anything, you are going through hell - but expect his world is crumbling around him too.

ScatteredMama82 · 10/02/2022 08:39

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you managed to get some sleep. Whatever the reason for the test his behaviour is out of order. I hope he comes to his senses and tells you what is really going on.

Buildingthefuture · 10/02/2022 08:40

Op, don’t doubt yourself. Of course his behaviour is completely wrong. You have found something which has given you legitimate cause for concern. When you have attempted to discuss this with him, he’s given some fairly implausible excuses then refused to discuss it with you. That is not ok. In anyway. I’m so sorry this is happening to you xx

layladomino · 10/02/2022 08:44

If it was about a health anxiety, why wouldn't he let you see his phone?

If he has a health anxiety which is that he may have HIV, where does he think he caught it, and why is he so sure that you don't have it?

If he has a health anxiety, why won't he talk to you about it? Why is his lying and avoiding a discussion which could help both of you?

How does this all link to him being distant for weeks? He might explain that with having a 'health anxiety' but if so has he seen a GP, and why not discuss it with you?

You are clearly not getting the truth from him. He is sulking / stomping off / being angry in an attempt to stop you asking questions. It's already working - you're starting to be more gentle about it. He wants you to stop asking questions so he can get away without telling you the truth.

BungleandGeorge · 10/02/2022 08:48

I don’t think it’s totally implausible that he’s ordered it because he’s worried about some symptoms and because HIV has been in the news it’s sparked a worry. I don’t think he’s definitely cheating in this case but you know him best to say. If my partner shouted and screamed at me, demanded to check through my phone, talked about ‘letting me have a bath’ I wouldn’t honestly react well to that and I’ve never cheated! It does sound like whatever is going on with the test the relationship isn’t a healthy one currently

BitOutOfPractice · 10/02/2022 08:49

You say he works away OP - like for weeks at a time kind or away? In another country?

girlmom21 · 10/02/2022 08:52

If it's health anxiety that's fine - testing for HIV is really easy now and there's a big campaign to encourage people to get tested.

He should show you his phone because he's cheated in the past and should be willing to prove that's not the case this time but his reaction shows he's hiding something

Alondra · 10/02/2022 08:56

@PocketRocket81

Thanks you everyone for your replies and concerns, I will of course get tested. I can’t believe this is happening to me.

So after an evening of silence ‘because he doesn’t like conflict’ he slept in the spare room. I have tried to approach the subject this morning in a much gentler way and he has said he doesn’t want to talk about it but can assure me that I am not in any danger of testing positive. He has packed a bag and walked out.

Whether this be a health anxiety or something more sinister, surely his behaviour is completely wrong?

His behaviour is 100% from a cheater behaviour:

He lies
He doesn't like conflict
He doesn't want to talk about it
He has anxiety
He doesn't explain why the test was in his bag
He walks out

Get a solicitor's appointment and get him out of your life. He's not just lying to you, he doesn't even care enough about you to explain why he needed a HIV test.

No man who loves you and care about you will do this to you just because of an unnamed health anxiety. Don't second guess yourself.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 10/02/2022 08:57

You’re right OP, health anxiety doesn’t explain his secretiveness around his phone. If it feels like gaslighting, it probably is. I’m sorry you’re in this situation Flowers

SofiaSoFar · 10/02/2022 09:00

decided to have a nose through his work hold-all
I’ve asked to see his phone
I’ve pushed for answers and shouted and screamed at him.
and actually can’t believe I’ve let him get in the bath tbh.

Is this your child you're talking about?

Doesn't sound normal at all, regardless of what you may suspect.

Luckylemonade · 10/02/2022 09:01

Whilst everything is a possibility, i would find it strange that if he cheated he would only choose to do a HIV test and not a full STI test for the most common ones such as Chlamydia etc.

Me and my DP have been together 3 years, and both did a HIV test around 6 months ago when we realised neither have us have ever done one in our life, so thought it be a good idea to check.
I also had massive health anxiety about it, so can understand your DP decisions. If he has never/hasnt done one since his ONS he could just be panicking, and didnt want to involve you in the panic.

Not everything is a 'leave the cheating bastard' moment.
Not showing you his phone when asked is odd however. But as said above, id have thought if he had cheated he would be doing all STI tests, not just HIV - Thats probably the least common one to check for.

MrMrsJones · 10/02/2022 09:02

Gonna throw this out there but..

Do you think he was raped, he is now worried he might have HIV. The stigma of a heterosexual man having sex, whether consensual or not, can be a contentious subject.

It might explain the distance and his reluctance to speak about it.

Alondra · 10/02/2022 09:03

@SofiaSoFar

decided to have a nose through his work hold-all I’ve asked to see his phone I’ve pushed for answers and shouted and screamed at him. and actually can’t believe I’ve let him get in the bath tbh.

Is this your child you're talking about?

Doesn't sound normal at all, regardless of what you may suspect.

What about reading what the OP is saying? Your post would be hilarious if it couldn't be so tragic for the OP's health.
Original poster
PocketRocket81 · 10/02/2022 09:04

Having read through every single response to this, the ones that stick in my mind are those calling out MY behaviour.
Am I really that bad for shouting at him when my emotions are high and looking through his bag on a hunch? Have I caused this do you think?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/02/2022 09:06

Or are you just focusing on the ones which mention you because you aren't ready to accept that your husband is a cheat who is putting your sexual health at risk?

BlackSwan · 10/02/2022 09:08

No, you're not in the wrong - honestly don't let those posts get you down. Just ignore them. I think that consciously or not, you're aware on some level that he's being dishonest. He sounds like a selfish coward to me.

Original poster
PocketRocket81 · 10/02/2022 09:10

I look for the good in everyone. My mind is in overdrive with health anxiety / male rape.
If he hasn’t have cheated before and followed it up with STI checks I would genuinely believe the health anxiety story.
I’m not sure if hun walking off makes him look guilty or innocent/afraid/embarrassed (of the health anxiety) 🤯🤯

OP posts:
Pembertonrd · 10/02/2022 09:11

@PocketRocket81

Having read through every single response to this, the ones that stick in my mind are those calling out MY behaviour. Am I really that bad for shouting at him when my emotions are high and looking through his bag on a hunch? Have I caused this do you think?
Even if your behaviour had been a bit dramatic, I'm not saying it was, a good dp would seek to reassure you. Would not automatically tell a lie, followed by another lie and then walk out. Your dp has something going on and can't or won't tell you. That is not a good sign for the future.
ToykotoLosAngeles · 10/02/2022 09:11

@BlackSwan

No, you're not in the wrong - honestly don't let those posts get you down. Just ignore them. I think that consciously or not, you're aware on some level that he's being dishonest. He sounds like a selfish coward to me.
Agreed. You can't tell your sexual partner that your worries that you may have HIV are none of their business. I'd be terrified and would probably shout too!
ittakes2 · 10/02/2022 09:12

I am sorry you are going through this. Take a step back. Don't worry about what his behaviour represents ie what's going on with him - worry about how he is treating you. You are partners - if he can't share this secret with you than it speaks volumes for where your relationship is at right now I am sorry.

hashbrownsandwich · 10/02/2022 09:14

@PocketRocket81 has he ever shown signs of health he anxiety before? Without a specific event occurring it would be unusual for it to suddenly become something he suffers from.