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Original poster

Found HIV testing kit in hubby’s bag!

456 replies

PocketRocket81 · 09/02/2022 11:14

Ok, so DH has been a little withdrawn for several weeks. Not sure what came over me but decided to have a nose through his work hold-all. I’ve come across an unopened HIV kit. What the hell is going on? How do I approach him when he’s home later today?

OP posts:
LoisLane66 · 10/02/2022 00:01

Give him the benefit of the doubt, just as you would want if the situation was reversed.
I realised that his mood and reactions look guilty but perhaps he's found a rash, redness, itching, discharge or other symptoms that have made him irrationally anxious. I've no idea what the symptoms of HIV are and maybe he doesn't either and assumes that the 'health issue' he says concerns him, may be that virus.
To be horribly frank, you'd know if he thought he might have it as he deffo wouldn't want a BJ.
Another consideration is that if he has played away, he might have been told by a casual partner that it's best for him to be tested if they themselves have symptoms.
Whatever you do, he must surely love you enough to tell the truth in all it's forms, even if he knows you won't like it. It's the honest thing to do and you can both come to a resolution knowing that there is nothing hidden. Trust us absolutely key in a marriage/partnership in fact, in any relationship. I never ever tell lies, so I have no made up stories to remember. My life's much easier that way. Wish you the best outcome 💐

HIVpos · 10/02/2022 00:07

Just to clarify, as previously mentioned there are now more heterosexuals being diagnosed with HIV than gay people. This article is by Ian Green, CEO of Terrence Higgins Trust.
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/feb/09/hiv-infects-heterosexual-gay-bisexual-men-uk-testing-virus.

@mindutopia THT did historically support predominantly gay men but now supports all groups including straight men and women. They are pushing for everyone to get tested and in a lot of cases the test is free or there is a link to order from another organisation eg local clinic or freetesting. As you'll know no-one should have to buy one. I volunteer for the charity among others. I was told by my local clinic that THT is more gay orientated but I've not found this to be the case.

Also anyone accessing their services is usually asked certain questions and would not be contacted further regarding other services unless they specifically tick boxes giving permission for this.

@Wrongkindofovercoat There are plenty of men who have sex with men who do not identify as being gay, who also have wives and girlfriends.
Yes, some men who are straight also sleep with men. However HIV is not a gay disease. Given the right conditions anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, can contract it.

@3Daddy31982 Window period for testing (the time from the last risk event to where it would show up in a test) is between 45 and 90 days depending on the test. 6 months is incorrect (that was the older tests)
i-base.info/guides/testing/what-is-the-window-period

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia People are sending (potentially) contaminated blood through the post?.
Thinking logically about how HIV has to get into the blood system to infect, how do you think someone could contract HIV from dried blood spots (apart from the fact that the virus degrades when exposed to air rendering it unable to infect)

Last - no relationship whatsoever between COVID and HIV Confused

RedFlagsAllOver · 10/02/2022 00:14

Some tinfoil had idiots the other day were saying if you have had a covid jab you test positive for hiv.

Marvellousmadness · 10/02/2022 00:19

Get yourself tested ASAP
And leave this man
He has cheated on you before
And he did it again. However this time he is putting you at risk big time
Stop putting your head in the sand

RupertRochdale2 · 10/02/2022 00:46

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PizzaCrust · 10/02/2022 00:50

Whether you feel he is lying or not, you have no right to shout and scream at him. That is abusive. You also have no right to expect him to hand over his phone. It's his personal private property. If you don't trust him, that's on you, but your reaction isn't on

Are you for real, @MissNothing1991?

He has no right to lie to the OP, and he certainly has no right to go behind her back and potentially cheat on her. He has no right to take an HIV test and not even have the decency to inform OP that she needs to take one, too. This isn’t some little cold that he’s got some cold and flu sachets for, it’s incredibly serious.

This man is being much more abusive than the OP. She got upset over something quite horrific, that he caused. He on the other hand has kept things from her, lied to her when asked about it, manipulated her by changing his story, is treating her like an idiot (in the sense that she would lap up the ‘prank’ story), is playing with her physical health by withholding vital information from her and has potentially cheated on her.

Regarding the phone, if he has nothing to hide then he has nothing to feel bad about. He abused their trust and when your trust is broken, you look for ways to clarify the truth. He is actively withholding that. Sure, it’s his “right” to, but it makes him look pretty fucking sketchy if you ask me.

And lastly, “if you don’t trust him, that’s on you”- are you purposely trying to be completely dim?

OP saw a change in behaviour.
She found evidence which makes sense regarding the aforementioned.
She asked him about it and he behaved in an odd manner- he didn’t try to explain a plausible story, he didn’t offer up “proof” that he was being honest. He literally made no effort to convince her otherwise.
He has changed his story and went to the “bath”, which to me means he’ll have his phone in there and be deleting everything off it before OP has a chance.

If you would trust your partner after all of those behaviours and incidents, regardless of whether he cheated before or not, then more fool you. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade.

Stop trying to defend a shitty man who at best has had suspicions of having HIV and hasn’t told OP, and at worst has played away, contracted HIV and kept all information from her regardless of her mental and physical health.

Honestly, it’s one thing lying about cheating, but break ups happen and people get over heartbreak. It’s another thing entirely to keep something so serious medically from a person. She has every right to know.

Changeee15467 · 10/02/2022 01:00

OP I have not RTWT but this must be so scary and worrying for you. Get yourself tested and I hope you get to the bottom of this.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 10/02/2022 01:01

Where does he work away?
Is it on another continent?

Tiana4 · 10/02/2022 01:11

He's lying
No one does a HIV test for a prank

Everything about his behaviour is telling you a very clear story

Gosh. What a fking a-hole

Please talk to your friends your parents, sister your mum whoever you need to For support

DeadButDelicious · 10/02/2022 01:22

You cannot rely on this man to tell you the truth. First it's a 'prank' now it's health anxiety, he's lying through his teeth.

Your health is too important. Get yourself tested. And leave him.

Onthedunes · 10/02/2022 01:29

How dare he not be honest with you about this, he clearly has lied already so where is the truth.

You need to be tested op and then deal with him.

JustKittenAround · 10/02/2022 01:31

@DuckDuckNo

Whether you feel he is lying or not, you have no right to shout and scream at him. That is abusive. You also have no right to expect him to hand over his phone. It's his personal private property. If you don't trust him, that's on you, but your reaction isn't on.

The cool wife competition is that way ->

My new Mumsnet hero is @DuckDuckNo !!!!!

Seriously, looks like someone is hoping to win the golden toilet plunger or whatever they give out for those who don’t have the ability to understand that finding this test is a huge deal!

RupertRochdale2 · 10/02/2022 01:34

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JustKittenAround · 10/02/2022 01:35

Anyways you know he is lying.

Please don’t put up with this. You’re LIFE is in danger with his illicit actions.

Your life is not worth this man. He is scum. Yes I said it and I mean it.

I don’t care how MUH ANXIETY or MUH REALLY ODD “PRANKS” this man sputters… it’s lies. You know it. Even if it was the truth it would not justify his actions.

Yours are understandable. You’ve been hurt before.

He will hurt you again and again. Like I said, might take your life. Might give you an STI that you’ll have to tell every single partner after him.

Trash him hard and without mercy.

WTF475878237NC · 10/02/2022 01:38

RupertRochdale2 reported you again. Go to bed or watch TV if you're bored.

FreedomforWA · 10/02/2022 01:43

@RedFlagsAllOver that kind of did happen. An Australian vaccine attempt was stopped during the trial stages as it was giving participants false positive HIV results. None of the approved ones do this though.

RupertRochdale2 · 10/02/2022 01:45

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Movelikewater · 10/02/2022 05:37

I’m so sad reading posts like these, and even more so the answers, shocked at the naivety. Someone in a committed relationship gets any type of STI test and doesn’t immediately tell their partner? It’s a massive red flag for cheating, no matter what.

To think that a straight man is not at risk of HIV is also ridiculous, anyone who has unprotected sex with someone where they don’t know the other person’s status is at risk of HIV. This includes anyone happily married who has a cheating shit of a partner, so please do get tested yourself. Results are very quick. There is a huge amount of support available for a positive result, if this should occur.

Ladybugzrock · 10/02/2022 06:12

@PocketRocket81 I hope you’re as ok as you can possibly be today. You know that this is a red flag. You’ve been there before with him. You know his reaction is off. Trust your gut. My heart breaks for you.

Practically you do need to get yourself tested.

Then self care all the way until you feel strong enough to act on all this. Flowers

RachHen · 10/02/2022 06:16

Oh dear. Stereotypical reaction.

SippingSipsmith · 10/02/2022 06:19

Familiarise yourself with the symptoms of OCD. If he's mentioned health anxiety it is just possible that it is OCD and he maybe doesn't realise it.

A very common symptom of OCD is imagining you have HIV and getting tested. Even if there is little to no evidence you have it.

thegoldenone · 10/02/2022 06:21

I'm so sorry op. I don't want to sound harsh or make you anymore distraught then you are but me and my exh ended because he had been sleeping with prostitutes when working away. And obviously there is a risk of hiv

MissNothing1991 · 10/02/2022 07:26

@DuckDuckNo

Whether you feel he is lying or not, you have no right to shout and scream at him. That is abusive. You also have no right to expect him to hand over his phone. It's his personal private property. If you don't trust him, that's on you, but your reaction isn't on.

The cool wife competition is that way ->

Actually no. Not a wife. My fiancé abused me for 7 years. I can guarantee you now, if this was a reverse post and this was a man shouting and screaming and demanding turning over her phone, you'd all be telling her to leave him. And i say this as a woman.
spaceman1 · 10/02/2022 07:32

That's awkward!