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Original poster

Money issues and selfish attitude are killing our relationship

161 replies

PickledCucumber · 08/02/2022 12:45

DP and I have been together for 2 years. In that time we've been dealing with an interfering ex (his). She's used their two teenage girls against him, not allowing contact and reporting him to the CMS to pay more maintenance (they had an agreement in place for years which worked and he is a reliable dad and always paid) to 'punish' him for moving on and having a new relationship. She was the one who broke up the marriage in the first place because she had an affair. That relationship didn't work out and I think she was trying to get back with my DP and him moving on with me riled her.

He and I don't live together. There has been mention of doing this 'when the time is right' and also of getting engaged ('maybe this Christmas'). I just feel that things are not progressing as I want them to. I understand how his head is messed up with how his ex has treated him and it's definitely affecting his relationship with me. I know that she will be delighted with this outcome as she has been so cruel and devious with her actions since he met me.

He has almost £13K of credit card debt which he amassed when they were together (buying her a car, holidays, etc). He has a good job and earns 30something K a year but he is crippled with the money he has to pay out each month in child maintenance and repaying the debt. We rarely go out. Any time we go away I book and pay for it. I go and stay at his at weekends and buy all the food and cook and clean up for him. I buy him stuff for his house that needs replaced. I give him money to help pay his bills. I don't mind helping him out but am I a bad person to say that I get really frustrated sometimes and feel like I'm being mugged off. Recently he invited me to go out to his social club for a few drinks and I jumped at the chance even though I had worked a nine hour shift that day. I came home, got dressed up and drove over to his only to find him in his pjs and he said he'd changed his mind about going out. I was really upset and annoyed and felt like driving home but I was utterly exhausted so just went to his bed and cried myself to sleep. This weekend we were supposed to go out for dinner, his idea to apologise for his behaviour. That didn't work out either as there was rugby and golf he had to watch. I went out to the supermarket to buy food to cook instead. I know I'm an idiot for putting up with this but I love and care for him so much. I also feel like I'm to blame for how his ex is treating him. If it wasn't for me being in his life she wouldn't have taken the case with the CMS. I feel like we can never move on with our lives together because of his debt and never be able to go out and go places. We're in our 50s and I just feel like I'm wasting my life. But I can't leave him. I've broken up with him before because of these issues but he always pleads with me to get back and because I'm so in love with him I end up back in the same situation.

Sharing this now as I need some impartial advice. I've talked to my mother about it and she has told me to leave him and when I mention that we're still together she doesn't even acknowledge his existence any more. He was on the phone to me this morning in tears because he knows he's f'ed up again this weekend. He said it's because of what his ex is doing not letting him see his children and it's depressing him and he doesn't feel like doing anything, he only wants to sit in the house when he's not working and watch tv. He says he can't lose me. I feel like I'd be a bad person to leave someone who is in this state of mind but I can't keep going in a relationship and keep my sanity if this is how it's going to be time after time.

OP posts:
BestestBrownies · 09/02/2022 00:55

He is offering you stale crumbs and you’re seeing diamonds.

I’ve been where you are. Feeling alone and isolated in a different country and clinging on to a bloke who has absolutely no respect for you. He is completely taking the piss and you are allowing it because you have over-invested in your own fantasy version of him.

If you had an otherwise full and interesting social life you wouldn’t look twice at this fucking loser. Get rid and invest your money, energy and caring nature into new hobbies and friendships before looking to a man to make you happy.

jimmyjammy001 · 09/02/2022 01:51

As everyone else has quite rightly said... Just Leave!
His past problems that he has got himself into are not your problems, don't be emotionally blackmailed into staying with him and feeling sorry for him, there is no quick fix for this situation, you will still be in this situation in years to come, walk away and never look back, ex partners and kids are bring nothing but hassle/drama! Problems to any relationship

Brett239 · 09/02/2022 02:04

You sound like an incredible woman and you 100% deserve better!

Wiredforsound · 09/02/2022 06:38

Buying flowers and cards is meaningless if you’ve had to have a melt down to get him to do it. His kids are 15 and 17, not 4 and 6. They can see their father whenever they want. My ex just messages my 14-17 year old kids to tell them he’ll be picking them up at x time, and I get copied in as a courtesy. He doesn’t ask permission and it’s not necessary at that age. How long ago did he split with his wife and how come he got lumbered with all the debt, and how come he's struggling so much that you’re having to feed him, clean his house, and pay for everything. Are you his mum? I’ll bet his wife didn’t have an affair. I’ll put money on her binning him after she realised what a deadbeat he was. She likely only went to CMS in desperation after he continued to fail to pay his fair share - people don’t to these things lightly. Do not get financially entangled with this man. Your mother is probably worried sick about you and I can see why. I would hate to see my DD in a relationship like this.

lothermand · 09/02/2022 06:51

You are not responsible for him OP, please please please don't waste your time. I'm not a selfish person, but in this case, you have to be, leave this incredibly selfish individual, or at the very least, scale right back on all the 'giving'.

Wrongkindofovercoat · 09/02/2022 06:57

People generally don't do things they don't want to do unless they are women . He has had two years to do all the things that he knows you value, but he simply doesn't want to. Not because he can't but because he won't. Nothing will change that.

2DogsOnMySofa · 09/02/2022 07:10

It's all about him isn't it op, about how sad he feels. Even after you've told him how you feel he's made it about him and now YOU feel sorry for HIM.

autienotnaughty · 09/02/2022 07:19

It's sounds like he's not treating you very well but that's a separate issue. How much maintenance is paid should be the full amount his children are entitled to. His earnings, debts etc will have been taken in to account for how much he pays. It's not unreasonable that he pays what he owes.

LannieDuck · 09/02/2022 07:56

This weekend we were supposed to go out for dinner, his idea to apologise for his behaviour. That didn't work out either as there was rugby and golf he had to watch. I went out to the supermarket to buy food to cook instead.

This is the bit I can't get over. He was supposed to be taking you out to dinner as an apology, but somehow you ended up going to the supermarket for food and you had to cook it.

Even if you both decided you didn't want to go out to dinner, he could still have made the evening special for you by preparing dinner. But instead he 'apologised' by letting you cook for him!

UseOfWeapons · 09/02/2022 08:02

I think your most telling comment was that if your daughter described a relationship like this, you’d tell her to run a mile.
Take your own advice. Ring him, or message him, say it’s over, and block him.
He is not your problem to solve and he’s using your compassionate nature against you. He’s a user.
Focus on yourself, and in building relationships with others. It’s not easy, I get that. I haven’t had a relationship since fleeing DV in 2008. Whilst I’m content, I appreciate that others may want the warmth of a relationship. I have wonderful friends, and a good family, a demanding job, and my own home. When you’re comfortable with yourself, you’re less likely to fall foul of a CF like him. You deserve much better, and you’d tell your daughter the same.
Go on the Valentine’s weekend alone, and use it to reflect on your life and what you want to work towards. I’ve done this, and it’s great!
Good luck, OP. Don’t drag this out, dump him today and actually live the rest of your life. 💐

rookiemere · 09/02/2022 09:10

OP if you want to go on your valentines night away before you dump him, no one here is going to judge you. You could use it as an opportunity to see clinically how he actually treats you. So maybe he can't afford romantic gesturesbecause he spends all of his cash on golf clubs but massages are free.

ravenmum · 09/02/2022 09:28

Make the weekend into a spa weekend for one and use it to pamper yourself through your breakup.
I'd suspect that if his children refuse to see him, it could be because they know he does not prioritise them - they have had the same experience you are having now, of him being flaky and abusing their good will.
His wife may well have chosen that moment to get the payments she is due because she knows him and was worried he'd stop paying at all if he had a new relationship.

BIWI · 09/02/2022 09:33

I am good with money and always manage it well and always have spare cash to hand

@PickledCucumber

This is why he's with you. Sorry to have to say that.

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2022 09:45

I can't see anything likeable about this man let alone loveable. You need to love yourself znd not put up with the crumbs he's throwing you

CharSiu · 09/02/2022 09:47

Stay strong and get rid of him.
Block him on every platform and change your telephone number.

I guarantee within a few weeks he will be with another woman scamming her 100%. He will try and be in touch because it’s easier ripping you off than doing ground work mugging someone else off.

He will see the break up as a blip in his financial circumstances and nothing else.

wildseas · 09/02/2022 09:49

You say you don’t have a lot of friends where you live.

Why don’t you pick the closest 3 acquaintances, invite them for dinner and cook for them instead of your partner. Explain you need a girls night to cheer you up.

You might find they are friends before you know it. ....

Triffid1 · 09/02/2022 10:02

Aaah, he's moved to the "I've fucked up and now I feel terrible and you're going to dump me and I'm such a loser" phase. this phase is cleverly designed to make you feel sorry for him.

But it's 100% bullshit. More important than the victim mentality is what is HE GOING TO DO TO FIX IT. He hasn't said, because he has no intention of changing. Oh, he might throw you ab one with a few cheap flowers and a card on valentines day. But he's not going to go out of his way and nothing else will ever change. Run run run run run run run.

BronwenFrideswide · 09/02/2022 10:23

He admitted he's f'ed up again and that he doesn't blame me for wanting to dump him. He said he wants to buy me flowers and a card for VD (this is new, before he said he wouldn't get roped into the commercialism around VD)

Ah he wants to buy you flowers and a card and guess what he'll suddenly have no money to do so, but he really wanted to do it. Also, why tell you this? If he wanted to do it he'd just go and do it he's priming you for the I just don't have the money when he fails to deliver.

He'll always let you down, OP.

Tears11 · 09/02/2022 10:46

I see alot of my relationship in yours. I'm 33 and have a 48 year old partner with an interfering ex. No children. She just has an emotional hold over him. He keeps in touch with her via texts. She was hinting at getting back with him a few months back although indont know exactly what conversation they were having. He didn't tell me but did convince me I was paranoid at the time. He is forever managing her and I never understand why.

He's also in debt. Of work with a bad back. We never go out because he's awaiting a scan. We don't live together but I do all the chasing. I go to his.pay for everything. In return I get nothing for Christmas or valentines this year because he's broke. I have done so much for him. We are not progressing and I'm working on gradually getting away as its been quite abusive too.

I'm not sure what I can advise other than do you feel it could improve and do you want this?

One thing I've learned is if I'm waiting until I don't love him to leave, I never will. Love is not a reason to stay. You will have feelings, it will hurt and be hard, but he's not doing enough to keep you.

I've been laid next to my boyfriend many times close to tears whilst he snores his head off at 8pm on tablets for his back. It is horrible when you are doing all the supporting and providing and don't even get back the free stuff in return

rookiemere · 09/02/2022 10:52

Well there we go OP if you want something definitive to make the decision, base it on if the card and flowers materialise on VD. Total cost < £10 from Tescos.

SortingItOut · 09/02/2022 10:52

@Tears11 You havent been back on your thread, people want to support you.
Don't be embarrassed that you haven't been able to finish thimgs with him yet.

I hope he paid you back the money he owed you.

Oblomov22 · 09/02/2022 11:26

You don't have enough self esteem to see that you are being mugged off her. He sounds like a dick. Even if he didn't want to go out standing there in his pyjamas and letting you go to bed crying is just unforgivable.

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2022 11:30

I'm 33 and have a 48 year old partner with an interfering ex. No children. She just has an emotional hold over him

Please get rid of him.

Magda72 · 09/02/2022 11:39

@PickledCucumber you don't have an ex problem you have a partner problem. Speaking as someone who had a dp with dc the ex only wields as much power as they are given.
Your dp is GIVING his ex the power & using her as an excuse to behave how he wishes without any thought to anyone else.
Maybe he does have depression also - but no one can fix that bar he himself.
I totally see where your mother is coming from - if you were my daughter I would be similarly concerned that you have blinkers on and are refusing to see this situation for what it is.
You are wasting your one valuable life bolstering up someone who is giving you nothing but tears & woe is me's in return.
Leave & salvage your self respect, dignity & finances

LeifSan · 09/02/2022 11:53

Replace hopeless romantic with co-dependent and you’re probably nearer the mark. A card and some flowers (as in he wants to do he might not even do it) is his feeble gesture to keep you after treating you like a cash machine and place to rest his sorrows for two years? How have you not laughed in his face? Are you that desperate to pretend this guy is the one for you? After two failed marriages jacket you learned your lesson by now? You want to get engaged to a guy who won’t even spend a nice weekend with you and isn’t even divorced yet? Jesus wept.

As for the trip, draggong someone who is resistant on a ‘romantic’ weekend, that YOU paid for, is not going to do anything other than lower your self-esteem further.