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Original poster

Money issues and selfish attitude are killing our relationship

161 replies

PickledCucumber · 08/02/2022 12:45

DP and I have been together for 2 years. In that time we've been dealing with an interfering ex (his). She's used their two teenage girls against him, not allowing contact and reporting him to the CMS to pay more maintenance (they had an agreement in place for years which worked and he is a reliable dad and always paid) to 'punish' him for moving on and having a new relationship. She was the one who broke up the marriage in the first place because she had an affair. That relationship didn't work out and I think she was trying to get back with my DP and him moving on with me riled her.

He and I don't live together. There has been mention of doing this 'when the time is right' and also of getting engaged ('maybe this Christmas'). I just feel that things are not progressing as I want them to. I understand how his head is messed up with how his ex has treated him and it's definitely affecting his relationship with me. I know that she will be delighted with this outcome as she has been so cruel and devious with her actions since he met me.

He has almost £13K of credit card debt which he amassed when they were together (buying her a car, holidays, etc). He has a good job and earns 30something K a year but he is crippled with the money he has to pay out each month in child maintenance and repaying the debt. We rarely go out. Any time we go away I book and pay for it. I go and stay at his at weekends and buy all the food and cook and clean up for him. I buy him stuff for his house that needs replaced. I give him money to help pay his bills. I don't mind helping him out but am I a bad person to say that I get really frustrated sometimes and feel like I'm being mugged off. Recently he invited me to go out to his social club for a few drinks and I jumped at the chance even though I had worked a nine hour shift that day. I came home, got dressed up and drove over to his only to find him in his pjs and he said he'd changed his mind about going out. I was really upset and annoyed and felt like driving home but I was utterly exhausted so just went to his bed and cried myself to sleep. This weekend we were supposed to go out for dinner, his idea to apologise for his behaviour. That didn't work out either as there was rugby and golf he had to watch. I went out to the supermarket to buy food to cook instead. I know I'm an idiot for putting up with this but I love and care for him so much. I also feel like I'm to blame for how his ex is treating him. If it wasn't for me being in his life she wouldn't have taken the case with the CMS. I feel like we can never move on with our lives together because of his debt and never be able to go out and go places. We're in our 50s and I just feel like I'm wasting my life. But I can't leave him. I've broken up with him before because of these issues but he always pleads with me to get back and because I'm so in love with him I end up back in the same situation.

Sharing this now as I need some impartial advice. I've talked to my mother about it and she has told me to leave him and when I mention that we're still together she doesn't even acknowledge his existence any more. He was on the phone to me this morning in tears because he knows he's f'ed up again this weekend. He said it's because of what his ex is doing not letting him see his children and it's depressing him and he doesn't feel like doing anything, he only wants to sit in the house when he's not working and watch tv. He says he can't lose me. I feel like I'd be a bad person to leave someone who is in this state of mind but I can't keep going in a relationship and keep my sanity if this is how it's going to be time after time.

OP posts:
CamsPaisleyCuffs · 08/02/2022 13:17

Are they actually divorced with the financials sorted? Was the formal agreement he would pay £x child maintenance if she kept the house?

Arbeity · 08/02/2022 13:20

Breakup with him now and gonto the bnb with a friend instead.

Or even on your own, take nice books, wine, films, go walking, visit museums or a spa or anything else that makes you feel good

Original poster
PickledCucumber · 08/02/2022 13:20

They're not divorced yet. They had sorted out the financials with a solicitor years ago but he never bothered to finalise the divorce. It was only when she went to the CMS and stopped him seeing his DDs that he started the divorce proceedings.

OP posts:
Blueberryflavour · 08/02/2022 13:22

Seems like his ex is a convenient scapegoat for both of you. While you are both busy blaming her for everything you don’t have to address the main issue which is that your DP is an arse. The child maintenance he has underpaid for years is not for his ex it’s to support his child/ren and he’s weaselled out of that for years, how can you respect a man like that? You are basically buying yourself a boyfriend, he’ll do things with you as long as you are paying but can’t be bothered otherwise. Lack of money is not the issue, plenty of low cost things to do, he just doesn’t care enough. Your mum is right you can do better than this man. DO NOT GET ENGAGED.

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 08/02/2022 13:25

I thought that would be the case. If she wants to play by the rules (claiming the correct CMS amount) then so should he. She doesn't get to have it all her way. She needs to buy him out of the house based on whatever a fair settlement is and he pays the correct CMS in exchange for his equity in the FMH.

babytum · 08/02/2022 13:27

For goodness sake stop taking responsibility for his pathetic behaviour. You are being used right, left and centre, offering everything and receiving absolutely nothing in return.
Scrape your dignity off the floor, listen to your mother and move on.
Have a very serious think about what is it that is important to you in a relationship and accept nothing less.
If he cared at all he wouldn’t have you coming to his home to either cook or clean for him. He should be mortified that it is even necessary. Come on, no independent, self respecting woman should tolerate this sort of treatment.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 08/02/2022 13:30

You dont need to go away this weekend with him. Give gift to someone else, go yourself, lose the money...... he's telling you who he is....listen

Berthatydfil · 08/02/2022 13:30

@rubyslippers

You are being mugged off You need to leave - you’re paying for everything; putting up with his poor behaviour and getting very little in return If you moved in together nothing would improve and in fact you’d be paying even More This is not a relationship of equals - you’re sad and stuck Time to break free
He’s in debt, can’t be arsed to pay the MINIMUM child support, can’t be arsed to sort out his divorce, can’t prioritise you over golf but is quite happy to leach money off you ?

You mother is right he is using you.

VanGoghsDog · 08/02/2022 13:30

You don't lose anything by not going on the weekend break. It costs you the same whether you go or not.

In fact, going costs more as you'll need to pay for things to do and eat. And you can be 100% this git won't even buy you a cup of tea.

You may be able to cancel and get a refund if they can rebook the room.

I'd just tell him now, it's over. Maybe other plans that weekend, stay with a friend or something.

He's totally taking you for a mug. If he's depressed he needs to get medical help. You leaving him won't make him dressed, it might make him sad.

merryhouse · 08/02/2022 13:31

You don't need to go to the hotel. Going won't get you the money back. Yes it's a waste, but so would be going on a romantic weekend with this loser.

If he's depressed because he wants to see his children (of course he is) then he needs to do something about that.

(You know, if the two of you Really Love each other, you could get together in five years when his children are adults and he's paid off his debt. You're 50s, five years isn't long and you don't have a fertility window to worry about. Just wait.)

Original poster
PickledCucumber · 08/02/2022 13:32

You're all totally correct. Not one person has tried to defend him which is very telling to me. I always just thought if the shoe was on the other foot, I had financial issues, I didn't have enough money for things, then he would help me out. I am good with money and always manage it well and always have spare cash to hand so helping him doesn't cause me any hardship. But I cannot help feel disrespected and taken for granted which I'm not going to tolerate any more. It really helps to see your words for advice to set my head straight and go ahead with the breakup.

OP posts:
IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 08/02/2022 13:40

He is awful, OP. You are making ALL the effort, he makes none. He does nothing nice for you. He's taking advantage of your kind nature. Please re-read your post, it's telling you to leave.

The thing that got me most was when he prioritised watching sport over going out with you. Goodbye to that shit.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/02/2022 13:49

Take your mum on the break, she deserves it he's a cocklodger

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 08/02/2022 13:50

But I know it will devastate him and make him even more depressed. You are not a therapy dog. You are not responsible for his mh. If he is depressed it ison him to go to the gp and discuss options.

Honestly you sound so lovely and caring and giving. Its wasted on him, and you deserve so much better.

andweallsingalong · 08/02/2022 13:51

Take your mother on the break and have a laugh.

His bills aren't your responsibility. Sounds like something else is going on here if he has a decent income, previously paid too little in child maintenence, yet has no money, is still paying 13k of debt after "years" and is being subsidised by you. Where is all his money going? Not that it matters a debt charity or CAB should have been his first stop, not asking you for money.

On top of that he's unkind. LTB

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 08/02/2022 13:54

Yes! Take your mum on the break.

Good luck OP you sound lovely.

Piggyk2 · 08/02/2022 13:55

OP you can't call CMS and demand the paying party pay more... legally your bf will be paying the minium based upon his salary CMS set this. Advise him to go to court for a child arrangement order.

Tbh I would stop paying for things infact I would leave...

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/02/2022 13:57

He said it's because of what his ex is doing not letting him see his children and it's depressing him and he doesn't feel like doing anything, he only wants to sit in the house when he's not working and watch tv. He says he can't lose me

It’s very convenient for him to blame his ex. He’s a grown man acting like a child with you as his mother. He says he can’t lose you but is doing nothing to prove that.
You will be added to his sob story for the next relationship he has.

I couldn’t find this behaviour attractive.

Benmac · 08/02/2022 13:58

He has to pay for his children. The debts he should be dealing with by way of debt management. He cleans his own house, buys his shopping and cooks for you.
You deserve so much better than this. Take your mum away for the valentine's break to mend your relationship with her and dump the useless man.
Sometimes love is not enough.

Dillydollydingdong · 08/02/2022 13:59

Can't you just take a step back without actually finishing it? Stop looking after him as though he was a baby. Stop doing his housework, his washing. Stop buying his food and giving him money. Tell him what you're doing. It's about time he started to pull himself together, especially if he wants to keep you. If not, he'll have to find another mug!

Inspectorslack · 08/02/2022 14:00

You don’t believe that story he’s spun you really do you?

ChocolateMassacre · 08/02/2022 14:03

@PickledCucumber

You're all totally correct. Not one person has tried to defend him which is very telling to me. I always just thought if the shoe was on the other foot, I had financial issues, I didn't have enough money for things, then he would help me out. I am good with money and always manage it well and always have spare cash to hand so helping him doesn't cause me any hardship. But I cannot help feel disrespected and taken for granted which I'm not going to tolerate any more. It really helps to see your words for advice to set my head straight and go ahead with the breakup.
If your situations were reversed, do you think he would take care of you? Or would he look for someone else to take care of him?
AnneElliott · 08/02/2022 14:04

What's he doing about seeing his children? If she's genuinely stopping then coming - not just they've worked out what a waste of space he is - then why isn't he going to court?

I think he's spinning you a line. Maybe about the debts as well. I have 2 close friends who are single parents and the lines that the exes tell their new partners are hilarious! But for some reason the new partners swallow the lot. Crazy ex, taken all my money, won't let me see the kids when the truth is rather different.

I say dump him and take a friend on the hotel trip. He's looking for a meal ticket/ servant and not a partner.

Fireflygal · 08/02/2022 14:04

But I cannot help feel disrespected and taken for granted which I'm not going to tolerate any more

Well done for seeing your relationship for what it is...he is using you. I know you want to believe it's all his ex but look how he is treating you after 2 years, can you imagine how he treated his ex after years??

He is selfish as he priortises himself. That won't change, in fact it will get worse.

His teen daughters have probably been let down so much in the past, like you have, that they don't want to see him anymore.

Btw, your mum sounds like she has good boundaries so listen to her

Original poster
PickledCucumber · 08/02/2022 14:07

I've been married twice before and both marriages ended because of disrespect issues. In my head I was concerned I'm the common denominator here and my caring nature is the bringing this upon me and it's what I'm destined to end up with in terms of relationships. I can't help how I am and I know it's going to be super difficult to end this relationship as we do get on really well and I feel safe with him. But he's got no hopes any time soon of changing his situation so I need to make changes. I'm considering maybe suggesting the 5 year break thing as a PP suggested. I don't think taking a step back and continuing to see him but doing less for him would work as I'll only end up doing the same old thing and helping him as I cannot see another suffer when I'm in a position to help.

OP posts: