Money issues and selfish attitude are killing our relationship

[PickledCucumber]

DP and I have been together for 2 years. In that time we've been dealing with an interfering ex (his). She's used their two teenage girls against him, not allowing contact and reporting him to the CMS to pay more maintenance (they had an agreement in place for years which worked and he is a reliable dad and always paid) to 'punish' him for moving on and having a new relationship. She was the one who broke up the marriage in the first place because she had an affair. That relationship didn't work out and I think she was trying to get back with my DP and him moving on with me riled her.

He and I don't live together. There has been mention of doing this 'when the time is right' and also of getting engaged ('maybe this Christmas'). I just feel that things are not progressing as I want them to. I understand how his head is messed up with how his ex has treated him and it's definitely affecting his relationship with me. I know that she will be delighted with this outcome as she has been so cruel and devious with her actions since he met me.

He has almost £13K of credit card debt which he amassed when they were together (buying her a car, holidays, etc). He has a good job and earns 30something K a year but he is crippled with the money he has to pay out each month in child maintenance and repaying the debt. We rarely go out. Any time we go away I book and pay for it. I go and stay at his at weekends and buy all the food and cook and clean up for him. I buy him stuff for his house that needs replaced. I give him money to help pay his bills. I don't mind helping him out but am I a bad person to say that I get really frustrated sometimes and feel like I'm being mugged off. Recently he invited me to go out to his social club for a few drinks and I jumped at the chance even though I had worked a nine hour shift that day. I came home, got dressed up and drove over to his only to find him in his pjs and he said he'd changed his mind about going out. I was really upset and annoyed and felt like driving home but I was utterly exhausted so just went to his bed and cried myself to sleep. This weekend we were supposed to go out for dinner, his idea to apologise for his behaviour. That didn't work out either as there was rugby and golf he had to watch. I went out to the supermarket to buy food to cook instead. I know I'm an idiot for putting up with this but I love and care for him so much. I also feel like I'm to blame for how his ex is treating him. If it wasn't for me being in his life she wouldn't have taken the case with the CMS. I feel like we can never move on with our lives together because of his debt and never be able to go out and go places. We're in our 50s and I just feel like I'm wasting my life. But I can't leave him. I've broken up with him before because of these issues but he always pleads with me to get back and because I'm so in love with him I end up back in the same situation.

Sharing this now as I need some impartial advice. I've talked to my mother about it and she has told me to leave him and when I mention that we're still together she doesn't even acknowledge his existence any more. He was on the phone to me this morning in tears because he knows he's f'ed up again this weekend. He said it's because of what his ex is doing not letting him see his children and it's depressing him and he doesn't feel like doing anything, he only wants to sit in the house when he's not working and watch tv. He says he can't lose me. I feel like I'd be a bad person to leave someone who is in this state of mind but I can't keep going in a relationship and keep my sanity if this is how it's going to be time after time.

Oh wow. You are all so right. Im becoming very emotional reading these replies. I need to stay strong and listen to your advice and end it despite the obvious heartache I'm going to suffer.

Sorry if I've missed any questions you've asked...

I know what he's told me about the debt and CMS is true as I've seen the paperwork.

His DDs are 15 & 17. He's tried to make contact with messages and offers to take them out/to stay at his house but they've all gone unanswered.

I can't help how I am and I know it's going to be super difficult to end this relationship as we do get on really well and I feel safe with him

You can help how you are...it starts with small steps, set a boundaries and enforce it. An example - don't tolerate him cancelling you. If he lets you down, go home. You may be empathic but you could also be codependant. There are lots of therapy available on YouTube as a starting point.

Are you in the UK? Do you work or have any hobbies? If in the UK, join meet.up as you will make friends.

Any time we go away I book and pay for it. I go and stay at his at weekends and buy all the food and cook and clean up for him. I buy him stuff for his house that needs replaced. I give him money to help pay his bills.
For the love of Dog - STOP IT!

I also feel like I'm to blame for how his ex is treating him.
Don't you just ...
Do you think the shiftless, selfish fucker wasn't a shiftless, selfish fucker to his ex as well?
Has it not entered your head that he has deliberately sold you his My Crazy Ex story, & has neatly triangulated you to do the Pick-Me Dance for him?

The more he sells you his tale of woe, the harder you dance.

This weekend I have booked and paid for a fancy b&b for us to stay in for Valentine's Day. I have to go through with it as it's non refundable.
Don't be daft. That's like saying you need to board a sinking ship, because you've paid for your ticket.
If you can't bear the thought of losing the money, go - just don't take him. Go solo, or with a friend.

Should I give him a final ultimatum then or never believe that he will change and finish with him after the trip?
Why do you think dancing even harder than you already have for 2 years is going to result in the miraculous personality transplant you yearn for?
Your man is a shiftless, selfish fucker, & no amount of fancy dinners are going to change that. You can spend as much money as you like on roses & champagne & soft lighting ... & guess what? - He'll still be a shiftless, selfish fucker.

Get you head straight on this one.
An income of £30k, paying CMS & sensible repayments on the £13k loan, would NOT make him this skint. You are his cash cow, & throwing more cash at him is not going to make him love you.

You need to forget about his ex, who is a total red herring.
He'll have been as honest about her as he was honest about taking you out to his social club, about taking you out at all when there is rugby to watch, about 'getting engaged', or about cohabiting.

He has spun you a load of old cobblers, & it's time for you to stop throwing good money after bad, good time after wasted time, & your own life on a liar who is never going to deliver on any promise, & who is using his ex as a shield.

Sorry this is worded so brutally OP. But your mum is right, & it's high time you realised it because this man is already making you miserable & the more you invest, the more miserable he will make you.
You'd do well to sack him off right now, & take your mum to the posh B&B this weekend instead. No wonder she can no longer discuss this with you, she must be pulling her hair out in frustration & sorrow, seeing you throwing yourself at this loser.

I'd be off sorry......you are not responsible for his problems and I definitely would not be even thinking of marrying him.

Oh wow. You are all so right. Im becoming very emotional reading these replies. I need to stay strong and listen to your advice and end it despite the obvious heartache I'm going to suffer.

Convert that emotion into determination - you are worth more than this, OP, he is not worthy of you.

Yes I'm in the UK. I'm well educated. I work and enjoy that and my job lots of customer interaction which I'm good at. I have lots of acquaintances that I get on well with but no one close enough to to confide in. I've hobbies too and always have stuff to do. I've raised two super successful children and I've set up a good life for myself financially. The only issue I have in my life is this man who has my heart. I know in my head that's he's not right for me.

This weekend I have booked and paid for a fancy b&b for us to stay in for Valentine's Day. I have to go through with it as it's non refundable.

OP, with love... Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

Go without him. Go with a mate, or go solo and either enjoy the time without some wanker adding to the tab or have a good cry but in a nice posh room as escapism for the weekend.

To go with him would be an act of emotional self harm in a way. There's absolutely no benefit to doing it. It only makes it less likely you'll end it, thus putting off something (breaking up with him) that is in your best interests.

OP, this isn't just a case of you should move on in a general sense. This man is manipulative and a liar. I don't believe a word of the stories he's spinning you. At best, there is a tiny grain of truth in some but that grain is so small and so different to reality that it barely features.

1. His ex is hounding him for more CMS because you guys got together? Bollocks. If he wasn't even paying the bare minimum of CMS before, he is clearly a deadbeat. Perhaps she allowed him to pay less than CMS all those years because he claimed poverty and then saw him out and about with you and thought, "WTAF, he can't be bothered to pay the bare minimum for children but he can go out and party with a new woman? Screw that."

1. His debts are because of her - sorry, can't even begin to believe this one. Unless she was insisting her took them on 5 star holidays every year etc, or had an expensive jewellery habit that he encouraged, how is his debt her problem? Similarly, the marital home that he has "allowed" her to stay in? haha. I bet that she has contributed more financially and in other ways and that perhaps they agreed she could keep the house (and pay the mortgage) while he pays off his debts.

1. She's keeping him away from the kids? They are TEENAGERS. If he's messaging them and they aren't responding, I guarantee it's the result of years of him letting them down, abusing them, treating their mother badly etc. The chances that any woman can completely stop her teenage children from seeing their Dad if they and their dad are both keen seems slight.

Here's a quick tester question or two for you:

1. Did he buy his DC christmas gifts this year even though they don't see him? Ditto, does he think about their birthdays etc?
2. What does he spend his money on? Does he go to the pub with mates? Have a nice car? Attend a gym? Get takeaways? because I bet he is finding money for those sorts of things even though he can't afford bread and milk or a cheap meal out with you...

''Don't be daft. That's like saying you need to board a sinking ship, because you've paid for your ticket.''

Good point

1. Did he buy his DC christmas gifts this year even though they don't see him? Ditto, does he think about their birthdays etc?

Yes, he gives them money at Xmas and bdays

1. What does he spend his money on? Does he go to the pub with mates? Have a nice car? Attend a gym? Get takeaways? because I bet he is finding money for those sorts of things even though he can't afford bread and milk or a cheap meal out with you...

His big money hobby is golf. Club membership, gear and outings with his golf mates are always on the agenda. Just typing that makes me realise how much of a mug I am. 😡

I'm quite looking forward to when I hear, via the grapevine, that (soon to be ex) BIL is telling everyone that SIL has bought a house after years of the two of them saving and her taking all his money. I know this will happen because he told everyone that he lost his LAST house because his girlfriend at the time took his money and then didn't pay the rent. We (stupidly) believed this story for years. How I wish I could contact her and get the details now....

The truth however is that for their entire relationship he has contributed just a tiny fraction of their actual living expenses (currently, believe it or not, his total contribution is..... 10% of their CORE living expenses. SIL worked it out the other day....), and certainly hasn't contributed to a penny of savings.

I'll believe your ex's stories about his ex wife's perfidious ways on the same day I fall for BIL's claims.

These men are DELUSIONAL.

@PickledCucumber

1. Did he buy his DC christmas gifts this year even though they don't see him? Ditto, does he think about their birthdays etc?

Yes, he gives them money at Xmas and bdays

1. What does he spend his money on? Does he go to the pub with mates? Have a nice car? Attend a gym? Get takeaways? because I bet he is finding money for those sorts of things even though he can't afford bread and milk or a cheap meal out with you...

His big money hobby is golf. Club membership, gear and outings with his golf mates are always on the agenda. Just typing that makes me realise how much of a mug I am. 😡

I hate to say "I told you so" but..... He can't afford CMS, debt payments or to treat you but he can go to a fancy golf club?

And I don't believe him re the money for his kids at birthday. At best, he bangs them a tenner. Also, a father who can't be bothered to buy so much as a token ACTUAL gift....? Nice.

Run OP. RUN.

Oh op Take your mum to the weekend. Switch your phone off.
What would you tell a friend or family member being treated so badly?

His big money hobby is golf. Club membership, gear and outings with his golf mates are always on the agenda.

And there it is. Proof he's perfectly capable of funding the bits of his life that he wants.

He would rather have a club membership, new golf gear and enjoy golf outings than pay a fair amount towards his own children. Selfish fucking prick.

Rather have those things than clear his debt. Irresponsible fucking prick.

And he's being rewarded for all this arseholery with a romantic weekend courtesy of you.

Ffs don't take him with you. Like I said, go with someone else or go solo.

He can't lose you because he loses the bank/supermarket/blanket if you go.

The only issue I have in my life is this man who has my heart. I know in my head that's he's not right for me

Can you really respect him? I think you have set too low a bar for who you give your time and love too. Do you think that if you give and give he will finally treat you well? I suspect once you stop giving him money and doing his cleaning he will reveal his true self.

How would you feel if your daughters were in this type of relationship?

I need to hear these harsh replies. Thanks everyone. Your advice is really fuelling my next move in the right direction.

You need someone who is ready to enjoy life with you. You are too convenient for him. It's sad when it won't work out and you like them and so forth. You need to be with someone who can afford to go out with you (and I don't mean pay for you). Wouldn't it be nice op to go be away to go away for the weekend and you each pay your way and have a great time exploring somewhere new.

If my daughter told me she is in this kind of relationship I'd absolutely tell her to get the hell out and not look back.

@PickledCucumber

I need to hear these harsh replies. Thanks everyone. Your advice is really fuelling my next move in the right direction.

Just to reassure that posters are not angry WITH you. They are angry FOR you because this man has exploited your kind nature.

This man is a whole bunch of red flags sewn together to make a suit for him wear.

Honestly he has no redeeming qualities here and even your own mum has warned you off him;listen to her.

I always just thought if the shoe was on the other foot, I had financial issues, I didn't have enough money for things, then he would help me out

Well as my dm always said if your Aunt Fanny had balls she would have been your Uncle!

Stop projecting him into being the person you want and see him as the person he actually is
Mean, vindictive, boring, grasping and a complete taker !

I always just thought if the shoe was on the other foot, I had financial issues, I didn't have enough money for things, then he would help me out

Of course. But if you had financial issues would you be playing golf regularly, buying new kit and paying membership fees at a fancy club?

Yeah, thought not.

OP spend the money you're going to save by propping up this no hoper on some good therapy.

Do some work on learning to love and value yourself. You don't need a man to make you feel worthy of respect. You are worthy of respect just as you are.

@BlingLoving

I always just thought if the shoe was on the other foot, I had financial issues, I didn't have enough money for things, then he would help me out

Of course. But if you had financial issues would you be playing golf regularly, buying new kit and paying membership fees at a fancy club?

Yeah, thought not.

Absolutely this!