Money issues and selfish attitude are killing our relationship

[PickledCucumber]

DP and I have been together for 2 years. In that time we've been dealing with an interfering ex (his). She's used their two teenage girls against him, not allowing contact and reporting him to the CMS to pay more maintenance (they had an agreement in place for years which worked and he is a reliable dad and always paid) to 'punish' him for moving on and having a new relationship. She was the one who broke up the marriage in the first place because she had an affair. That relationship didn't work out and I think she was trying to get back with my DP and him moving on with me riled her.

He and I don't live together. There has been mention of doing this 'when the time is right' and also of getting engaged ('maybe this Christmas'). I just feel that things are not progressing as I want them to. I understand how his head is messed up with how his ex has treated him and it's definitely affecting his relationship with me. I know that she will be delighted with this outcome as she has been so cruel and devious with her actions since he met me.

He has almost £13K of credit card debt which he amassed when they were together (buying her a car, holidays, etc). He has a good job and earns 30something K a year but he is crippled with the money he has to pay out each month in child maintenance and repaying the debt. We rarely go out. Any time we go away I book and pay for it. I go and stay at his at weekends and buy all the food and cook and clean up for him. I buy him stuff for his house that needs replaced. I give him money to help pay his bills. I don't mind helping him out but am I a bad person to say that I get really frustrated sometimes and feel like I'm being mugged off. Recently he invited me to go out to his social club for a few drinks and I jumped at the chance even though I had worked a nine hour shift that day. I came home, got dressed up and drove over to his only to find him in his pjs and he said he'd changed his mind about going out. I was really upset and annoyed and felt like driving home but I was utterly exhausted so just went to his bed and cried myself to sleep. This weekend we were supposed to go out for dinner, his idea to apologise for his behaviour. That didn't work out either as there was rugby and golf he had to watch. I went out to the supermarket to buy food to cook instead. I know I'm an idiot for putting up with this but I love and care for him so much. I also feel like I'm to blame for how his ex is treating him. If it wasn't for me being in his life she wouldn't have taken the case with the CMS. I feel like we can never move on with our lives together because of his debt and never be able to go out and go places. We're in our 50s and I just feel like I'm wasting my life. But I can't leave him. I've broken up with him before because of these issues but he always pleads with me to get back and because I'm so in love with him I end up back in the same situation.

Sharing this now as I need some impartial advice. I've talked to my mother about it and she has told me to leave him and when I mention that we're still together she doesn't even acknowledge his existence any more. He was on the phone to me this morning in tears because he knows he's f'ed up again this weekend. He said it's because of what his ex is doing not letting him see his children and it's depressing him and he doesn't feel like doing anything, he only wants to sit in the house when he's not working and watch tv. He says he can't lose me. I feel like I'd be a bad person to leave someone who is in this state of mind but I can't keep going in a relationship and keep my sanity if this is how it's going to be time after time.

I’m afraid I agree with your mother. And everyone else on this thread.

Dump him now. Tell him it’s not working for you anymore. Don’t give him more reasons or he will use them to talk you around.

Then block him so you don’t getting the begging and threatening phone calls/ texts.

Do not try to “ stay friends”. That won’t work.

Phone the B and B - they might be able to refund you if they can resell it. Then you can give then a lovely review on trip advisor for being so flexible.

In other circumstances I’d say go on your own or with a mate but I don’t think you are the kind of woman who would do that . But if I’m wrong then just go yourself.

Then take all that money you have been spending on him and spend it on some counselling / therapy for yourself . And please take a break from dating until you’ve done some serious work on your boundaries and self esteem.

You sound like a generous and kind person so you need to start being kind to yourself.

He has really done a number on you.

I am not going to repeat everything everyone has said on this thread

But do not go on this holiday with him, end it now and move on, use the weekend away for a bit of R&R if need be

I go and stay at his at weekends and buy all the food and cook and clean up for him. I buy him stuff for his house that needs replaced. I give him money to help pay his bills

Why on earth do you do this?

I think both you & ex are better off without him.

If she’s reported him to cms it’s because he is not fulfilling his obligation and the nice arrangement you mention worked for you guys but not her and I bet not the CMS!

Unless you have her version of events he's only telling you what he wants you to hear.
I can't abide men who do the woe is me.... my ex was a gold digger, a bitch, got me into debt etc - Nobody forced him to run up debts so at a bare minimum he should be saying it's equally both their faults and not blame her alone.
If he is depressed then that's on him to seek help.
If he wants to see his dc why isn't he doing anything about it instead of sitting whinging about it.
His treatment towards you is awful. Sorry like other posters I also feel he's using you.
Get rid - there's plenty more fish in the sea OP, you deserve way better than his shit offerings.

Team Mother here too. She is absolutely right.

Why on earth are you so in love with this waste of space?

You can sharp find out if you're being mugged off easy.

Stop bank rolling him. He'll drop you from a great height is my guess.

You can still have a relationship with him, but stop cleaning his place and paying for things.

*Sometimes love is not enough.

• THIS

BTW you need to be prepared that he might threaten to harm himself aftre you end it. It’s a very common thing with men like this.

If he threatens to self harm , you need to call the police and give them his details so they can do a welfare check. They will call an ambulance if they things it’s necessary.

Don’t get drawn in, don't phone him, text him or visit him .

Leave it to the experts who will get him psychiatric help if that’s what he needs.

@PickledCucumber

Thanks everyone, I know you're absolutely correct in what you are advising. I need to break up with him and keep to it. But I know it will devastate him and make him even more depressed. This weekend I have booked and paid for a fancy b&b for us to stay in for Valentine's Day. I have to go through with it as it's non refundable. Should I give him a final ultimatum then or never believe that he will change and finish with him after the trip?

Take your mother instead She sounds far more in tune with your needs and sensible

Maybe think about the freedom programme or counselling before your next relationship.

You're right that the common denominator is you, but you can change that by raising your boundaries and learning to spot red flags to dump culprits before the 2nd date!

pickledcucumber

re your comments in quotemarks:-

"I've been married twice before and both marriages ended because of disrespect issues."

This man is also disrespecting you too; you've basically gone from one crap relationship to another and yet another. This man along with your previous H's are likely all very similar. This is a pattern that could have had its seeds sown in childhood. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did a parent walk out never to return in childhood?. You do not mention your dad at all here; where is he?.

"In my head I was concerned I'm the common denominator here and my caring nature is the bringing this upon me and it's what I'm destined to end up with in terms of relationships. I can't help how I am and I know it's going to be super difficult to end this relationship as we do get on really well and I feel safe with him".

Define "safe" here. He is still married. It sounds like amongst other things you love to be loved and that can make a person a far easier target for abusers to get their teeth into. They are master manipulators and I would assume you were targeted by this man deliberately.

"But he's got no hopes any time soon of changing his situation so I need to make changes. I'm considering maybe suggesting the 5 year break thing as a PP suggested"

You need to love your own self for a change and have a long break from men and relationships at least until you have reassessed your boundaries in relationships via seeing a therapist. Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend?.

"I don't think taking a step back and continuing to see him but doing less for him would work as I'll only end up doing the same old thing and helping him as I cannot see another suffer when I'm in a position to help".

Who taught you to be a sort of rescuer or saviour here to such types?. Did such pleasing behaviour result from wanting to parent please an absent or otherwise difficult parent?. Such an approach never works when it comes to relationships as you have all too clearly seen. Women are not rehab centres either for badly raised men.

You're spot on Atila. My dad is still alive but I don't see him as both my parents live in a different country. I only communicate with my mother via email. When growing up my dad wasn't involved at all, he lived with us but never got involved in anything. I do have a need to people please and my caring nature has resulted in men taking me for granted. I'm living in a place now where I have no friends nor family. My children are grown up and living successful lives away from me. I crave the security that comes from a stable relationship.

If he wanted to resolve the situation he is in he would have pushed for a divorce and court ordered maintenance and arrangements to see his children. The inescapable question is why hasn't he?

Sorry, OP, I agree with your mother and everyone else, he is using you and yes you have fallen into the rescuer mode.

I'd say if the situation was reversed, you would be doing what you could to treat him, cooking, or arranging free trips out etc, and at the very least showing enthusiasm and gratitude for the things he was paying for and arranging. He is not acting like someone who values you.

Firstly the CMS is not your fault! The cost of living has massively increased and having two teenage girls doesn’t come cheap.
It’s almost nice to hear that you are 50 and that this man isn’t going to rob you off your own family.

I’m 40 and there is absolutely no way I’d be in a relationship like this. I just think covid showed a lot of us how quickly life can change. They would be a man out there who would love to be with you x He needs to sort himself out. I wonder if the weight of this debt is affecting his MH? Could he look at a consolidation loan? An IVA? Maybe look up Stepchange?
I’m sorry this is difficult for you x

Thought so re your good self. Your father was the first man who let you down abjectly and this has absolutely influenced all the relationships you've had with men since. He in particular taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons about relationships. You as a child had the impossible task here of trying to please an emotionally unavailable or otherwise absent man and such people pleasing behaviours often stem from wanting to parent please difficult, overtly preoccupied or otherwise absent parents. Its not your fault this happened to you.

The security you need has to come from within you and you do not need a man to validate your existence here. I would urge you to get therapy (the BACP are supposed to be good) and through this process start to unlearn all the crap that you have picked up about relationships along the way. Its not going to be at all easy for you and you may well feel worse post sessions but its the way forward and for you to stop repeating the same old patterns over and over.

I'm wondering how old his teenage children that he isn't allowed to see are?
I was a child in this situation however my dad was doing everything he could to get custody of us, and we would go and see him whenever we wanted as teenagers, our mother would not have been able to stop us if she tried..

This may also apply to you too:-

"Over the years I have had great difficulty in relationships because of my relationship with my dad. I never felt worthy of anyone’s love and would bend over backwards trying to please men to get them to love me. I was needy and hurt easily which was not a recipe for success in relationships. I set myself up to be hurt with men that were just like Dad because that is where my comfort zone was".

You've likely also spent a lifetime trying to get his love and approval too.

I think he is using you .You sound like a kind and generous person .Your Mums right here .So many women feel any BF is better than none .The opposite is true Being alone is better than being used like this !

So, he makes plans to spend time with you doing something nice. Then cancels. Then arranges to do something nice because he messed up previous arrangements. Then cancels.

You pay for everything when you're together. He does nothing to reciprocate.

You don't live together but you cook and clean for him whenever you're at his place.

I'm team Mum - she's absolutely right about him and your relationship with him.

Have some pride and dump him, and for heaven's sake raise the bar.

For heaven's sake, of course he cries when you dump him - you are making his cushy life possible! What on earth do you love about this selfish man?

You are in your fifties. I thought you were in your twenties at first and inexperienced with men. Surely you've lived long enough to know that CM is the MINIMUM that a parent should pay for his children? He was paying less than that - and from his reaction it sounds as though he was paying well below the minimum. No wonder his ex asked CM to sort it out.

On the money side alone I'd dump him, but given everything else I really think you'd be crazy to stay with him. He's so utterly selfish. What on earth did you learn about relationships that you thought this was in any way acceptable?

What would you advise your children to do if they were in a similar relationship? Your poor mum must be tearing her hair out. You're in the run up to retirement and spending all your money on a completely useless man.

He's taking the piss op, there's lot of things he could do for you that don't cost money. He chooses not to make the effort. As for buying food, cooking and cleaning for him - you're not his mum!

He chooses to stay at home, as for watching golf and rugby instead of going out, shows a terrible lack of respect towards your feelings, especially after he let you down the night before

His ex's behaviour is nothing to do with you at all.