How can I stop worrying about not getting married?

[Namechangeagoogoo]

Name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. We live together. I am in my 50s and he’s in his 60s.

I am financially independent in as much as I work full time and contribute half to all household expenses , except that it’s his house, without a mortgage and I don’t pay rent (because he doesn’t want me to, we have discussed it).

I have never been married, he’s been married twice.

He is sure that he doesn’t want to marry again. I don’t doubt his love and commitment but he doesn’t want to express it by getting married.

For me, it feels like the ultimate step in commitment and it makes me sad that he has married two women, but won’t marry me.

No one has ever wanted to marry me!

This isn’t a deal breaker. I’m absolutely not going to leave him, but I just wish I could stop being obsessed with it (I think about venues, dresses etc etc a lot).

I have brought it up several times and he’s always kind about it, but also firm.
How can I let it go?

You state you live together (in whose house?).

You cannot let it go because at heart you want to be married to him. Stop stuffing down your own feelings and stop with putting other people's needs and wants ahead of your own.

He does not want marriage or more to the point marriage to you and besides which he's already had two marriages behind him. He is NOT going to change his mind and he knows you want marriage. There is a fundamental disconnect here between you and he so I think that both of you should now go your separate ways and certainly before this really starts to further eat you up. Show him what loss of you means. Is he really as good a catch for you as you think he is or have you really settled here because you do not want to be "alone"?. You seem that adamant about not wanting to leave him hence me asking you those questions.

@AttilaTheMeerkat it's right there in the first paragraph.

I am financially independent in as much as I work full time and contribute half to all household expenses , except that it’s his house, without a mortgage and I don’t pay rent (because he doesn’t want me to, we have discussed it).

Its his house solely as well so your status within it is very much that akin to a lodger i.e. none. You have no legal rights in law here and if you were to separate what is his is his and what is yours is yours; the law would treat you as two separate individuals unrelated to each other.

I would also think you are not mentioned on any title deeds and you're certainly not on a mortgage because his property is mortgage free. He does not want to share anything with you here and I would think you do a lot more in terms of housework and chores than he does. You need to be very careful because your financial position too here is precarious to say the very least.

I would actually move out and rebuild your life without him in it.

After two failed marriages his perspective on it is different to yours - he knows it isn't the commitment it's meant to be. I disagree with PP, I don't think this is about YOU, it's about him knowing that it isn't the wedding that makes a relationship last.

Can you funnel your wedding creativity into a blow out? OK so not a white wedding dress but a gorgeous dress, a sit down meal, entertainment, decoration et

There have been many threads like this and its often the woman who leaves or otherwise ends up doing some crap compromising like some expensive blow out in front of family and friends which means nothing legally. The man's position more often than not remains unchanged.

I agree with @SleepingStandingUp

It is way ( way!!) more important to have a good solid relationship built on love and trust.
It's a relationship, so it really isn't just about you.
Is this a better relationship than others you've been in?
You are old enough to understand the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. Does this relationship meet those?

If so, isn't that the most important thing?

Is there a compromise? Would you consider an engagement ( with no intention of marrying) and throwing a bash?

Where will you live if he dies? Has he made legal provision for you to remain in his house?

I can understand your perspective and your partner's.

When I met DH I fell head over heels and nothing less than marriage would cut it for me, luckily he felt the same (despite one divorce under his belt)

However I can hand on heart say that if I ever find myself single and dating in the future I will Never Ever be getting married ever again.

Your partner has 2 divorces under his belt and has clearly decided he's not going down the marriage road again. And I don't blame him!

If you keep on at him you're going to destroy the relationship, and for what? If you can't accept you're not getting married then you need to split and go find someone who wants the same things you do.

Make peace with the fact or move along.

@SleepingStandingUp

After two failed marriages his perspective on it is different to yours - he knows it isn't the commitment it's meant to be. I disagree with PP, I don't think this is about YOU, it's about him knowing that it isn't the wedding that makes a relationship last.

Can you funnel your wedding creativity into a blow out? OK so not a white wedding dress but a gorgeous dress, a sit down meal, entertainment, decoration et

For him marriage wasn't the commitment it was meant to be but for the OP (and the millions of married people around the world who take marriage seriously and are happily committed to their spouses) it's different.

It's very unfair for OP to suffer the result of her boyfriend's own bad choices of marriage, and on top of that he's getting to have his cake and eat it by having a girlfriend who's treating him like a husband while he's treating her like a lodger.

@Namechangeagoogoo I know you're understandably very attached to him, but you're in a very bad position and your boyfriend knows it. It's his house and he cleverly is not letting you contribute directly towards it because otherwise they'd be the possibility you could make a claim towards the equity built up.

He's gaining a lot from this relationship otherwise he wouldn't want to be with you and it's a relationship based on power in his favour over true love on his part. Leave him and find someone who does want to marry and commit to you. You want this and you deserve this

"You are old enough to understand the hallmarks of a healthy relationship".

Well you would like to think so but some people do learn a lot of damaging crap about relationships and repeat those same old lessons throughout their lives.

"Does this relationship meet those?
If so, isn't that the most important thing?.

OP wants marriage and he does not want to be fully committed to her. There is a fundamental difference in this relationship between them that cannot be resolved. Why should she also consider a never ending engagement (which means nothing legally either) and throwing some party, to celebrate what exactly?.

Thanks all. You sound almost angry @AttilaTheMeerkat and I’m not sure why.

His will states that if he dies first I will have a lifetime right to stay in the house. After I die the house will go to his children.
That’s fine by me.

I’m not going to move out over this, as stated.

It’s the happiest relationship I’ve had.

You’re right that if we split up I wouldn’t get anything, but why should I?
And I don’t do more housework We have a cleaner, thank god because I am rubbish at it.

I think you’re right @SleepingStandingUp He doesn’t equate marriage with lifelong happiness (obviously) and perhaps sees us getting married almost as a risk.

Day to day it makes no difference to our life obviously. But it pops into my head fairly frequently, particularly when I hear about others getting married.

@DiddyHeck

Where will you live if he dies? Has he made legal provision for you to remain in his house?

Yes he has. He changed his will last year.

His will may reflect that, but what if he needs residential care? The house would have to be sold if there is no other provision. Which leaves you where...?

Did you have a property before you met him? Biggest concern would be your security if the relationship ended.

Does he have children? I can understand why he doesn't want to marry again but equally you have a right to want a different relationship. There isn't a compromise on this so it's either continue or break up.

having a girlfriend who's treating him like a husband while he's treating her like a lodger. that's a leap from what op has actually said. Not wanting to get married doesn't mean he just sees her as a housemaid he can fuck, adult relationships are far more nuanced than that.

@Namechangeagoogoo do you feel like the love e is equal?

And if you split up what then? Do you have your own property?

@titchy

His will may reflect that, but what if he needs residential care? The house would have to be sold if there is no other provision. Which leaves you where...?

Working full time and not paying rent, so able to put money aside to provide for her own future?

@CrystalCoco

I can understand your perspective and your partner's.

When I met DH I fell head over heels and nothing less than marriage would cut it for me, luckily he felt the same (despite one divorce under his belt)

However I can hand on heart say that if I ever find myself single and dating in the future I will Never Ever be getting married ever again.

Your partner has 2 divorces under his belt and has clearly decided he's not going down the marriage road again. And I don't blame him!

If you keep on at him you're going to destroy the relationship, and for what? If you can't accept you're not getting married then you need to split and go find someone who wants the same things you do.

Make peace with the fact or move along.

Agree with you @CrystalCoco

I don’t doubt his commitment and I want to stop making it an issue.

Are you more bothered about the fact that you will never have the experience of being married? Or the lack of security?

If it’s the experience then you have to decide whether he or that is more important.

If it’s the security then you should be able to build up your own assets as your day to day costs are reduced by not paying rent.

@titchy

And if you split up what then? Do you have your own property?

I don’t have my own property, but I am fortunate that if necessary I could buy one, albeit a small one! Money isn’t the issue here really. Changing his will meant a lot to me. His children are aware of and seem to be happy with the change.

"I want to stop making it an issue".

You will not be able to do that ultimately; this will always come back and bite you somehow.

@Trisolaris

Are you more bothered about the fact that you will never have the experience of being married? Or the lack of security?

If it’s the experience then you have to decide whether he or that is more important.

If it’s the security then you should be able to build up your own assets as your day to day costs are reduced by not paying rent.

It’s the experience.
And he is definitely more important!

I am not angry at all, just saddened that you have stuffed your own feelings down re marriage as so many women are wont to do. He holds all the power and control here; you have very little and he knows that too. What commitment has he shown; he has basically allowed you to live in his home and a home at that you yourself have likely added your own personal touches to.

You sound very passive here and perhaps worn down by it all as well.

So you want to be his unmarried partner for the rest of your days then?. A great shame he does not regard you with the same level of importance you place on him.

I think he sounds like he's learned from his mistakes and to him marriage is by no means the ultimate commitment - clearly not because he's made it and it hasn't worked out twice. So it's not that you're less than those women he married. More like he's been there and done that and it didn't work out, so he's justifiably doing it differently with you in the hopes that your happiness will last longer.

It sounds like a good set-up tbh. The house situation sounds fine to me and I don't see why people have to denigrate it to the status of lodger. She's his partner. He owns the house. She doesn't pay rent. She pays her share of bills. Presumably has money left to save as well as whatever she'd already amassed over the previous 50ish years of her life. He doesn't owe her a house any more than she owes him one, so the fact he's even said he'd leave her a life interest in it is incredibly fair.

Sounds like OP has a good attitude about it too and is happy with how the money and workloads shake down, so it's not comparable to all the threads on here where men won't marry women or put them on the deeds but expect them to give up work and have DC and get trapped. Far from it. This is a relationship between two financially secure adults beyond parenting age and the only issue - which is as big or small as OP makes it - is that he doesn't want to marry and she does.

From the word 'worrying', it also sounds like it's not about a big party and such, but about her believing it means he loves her less or isn't as committed to her. I understand that as I wanted to get married and was fortunate that it happened to me and is working out (so far). But we all know that it doesn't mean things will work out, and the DP knows this twice over. If there are other things he can do - or stop doing - to address this insecurity other than get married, then have that conversation. Otherwise, the only thing that will prove true commitment is more time together and in this circumstance, this sounds to me like a better solution than leaving. Course some men react to ultimatums so you could say marriage or nothing. But you sound happy with him, his reluctance is understandable, and honestly the 'no one wants to marry me' sounds like a deeper feeling about yourself that you need to address. Your basic self-worth can't depend on him, married or not.