How can I stop worrying about not getting married?

[Namechangeagoogoo]

Name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. We live together. I am in my 50s and he’s in his 60s.

I am financially independent in as much as I work full time and contribute half to all household expenses , except that it’s his house, without a mortgage and I don’t pay rent (because he doesn’t want me to, we have discussed it).

I have never been married, he’s been married twice.

He is sure that he doesn’t want to marry again. I don’t doubt his love and commitment but he doesn’t want to express it by getting married.

For me, it feels like the ultimate step in commitment and it makes me sad that he has married two women, but won’t marry me.

No one has ever wanted to marry me!

This isn’t a deal breaker. I’m absolutely not going to leave him, but I just wish I could stop being obsessed with it (I think about venues, dresses etc etc a lot).

I have brought it up several times and he’s always kind about it, but also firm.
How can I let it go?

Would he do a hand fasting or commitment ceremony with you as a compromise?

I would honestly look at buying your own lovely small house/flat as an investment now and rent it out. Sure you have a life interest in his home but after a few years you may want to move somewhere smaller/different and it will just make it easier for you.

I think this is one where both sides are perfectly valid and neither of you is wrong to feel the way you do. You both have past experiences which have shaped the way you feel and neither is a reflection on the other or your relationship.

I think that rather than focusing on a wedding, you should focus on your own long term security. Do you own a property? If not could you consider a small buy to let? You may never need it or live in it but it would provide you with the security a marriage might otherwise

Sorry, OP. You sound very sensible and self-aware. I agree with a couple of PPs that investing in your own property and then seeing how you feel in a couple of years might make best sense. Time often eases worries and if it hasn't then either he'll have come around and agree to marry or you can walk away if it turns out to be a dealbreaker. But of course if you then do get married and end up divorcing then he has a claim on the property you'd have bought. So could well be better to keep your independence in some ways and just enjoy being together.

@Egghead68

Do you want a marriage or a wedding?

I think about this often. Both I suppose! But I would like to be married. I don’t want a big event and would happily disappear and do it by ourselves with none of our families there.

But I’m not sure why I want to be married. I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist to talk about it. To get my thoughts ironed out a bit.

@Pinkdelight3

Sorry, OP. You sound very sensible and self-aware. I agree with a couple of PPs that investing in your own property and then seeing how you feel in a couple of years might make best sense. Time often eases worries and if it hasn't then either he'll have come around and agree to marry or you can walk away if it turns out to be a dealbreaker. But of course if you then do get married and end up divorcing then he has a claim on the property you'd have bought. So could well be better to keep your independence in some ways and just enjoy being together.

Nothing to apologise for. Your comments have been helpful. I might think about buying somewhere. It’s not something I’ve thought about for quite a few years. Perhaps I have my own commitment issues 😊

*Wtf?! "At his mercy"?? She could buy a house tomorrow and rent it out and there's her security. He's already given her a life interest in the house. What's she given him?? Not that she should give him anything, but the entitlement of some of these posts - not the OP's I must say. On what planet is a woman owed a house by her DP at this stage in life? It's a miracle he's still got one after two divorces and I'm not surprised he's hanging onto it.

Jesus wept.*

Exactly. I couldn't agree more.

[quote SarahDarah]@DiddyHeck no one is saying he can't choose. marriage is a free choice so of course he should absolutely choose whether he should marry or not. But all choices have consequences. It's the very real impact of this choice on the OP that people are talking about. To be honest, the OP should leave him. He's getting everything in marriage apart from the commitment which is fundamentally unfair to the OP. He's saying he wants all the benefits of marriage but I don't want to be legally committed to you. Horrible.
She was understandably bothered enough to create a thread online about it.

Her feelings are more than valid and in her position I would leave him. Unfortunately there's a clear unhealthy power dynamic here because the boyfriend presuambly knows the @Namechangeagoogoo will stay without him committing to her, or he'd be happy to lose her her so he can stay uncommitted to a woman. Either way, SHE wants the relationship more than him and that's always an unhappy situation to be in.[/quote]
It's not 'horrible' at all. Honestly, you're painting the OP (who sounds like an independent woman with her head together) as a poor little wench who can't live without marriage.

The OP can take care of herself financially, her DP has been completely honest with her that there's no chance of marriage. This is a great example of a very honest and healthy relationship.

And to add...

Either way, SHE wants the relationship more than him and that's always an unhappy situation to be in.

There is literally no evidence of that at all on this thread.

I think if you're not paying towards the mortgage and can therefore stash some money away then you'll know you'll be OK?
I'm just at the start of a divorce and will never ever get married again no matter how in love I may be with anyone in the future.

The fact that he's changed his will and made provision for you would be enough for me - buy that's coming from the place I'm at now, having been married.

I don't think he's unreasonable. In fact I think he has been kind and fair to you as well as honest. If he married you then that could mean half (if you divorced) or all (if he died first) his assets earmarked for his children gone. You won't, at your ages, be having more children together so that would seem very unfair as you wouldn't be sacrificing any earning power or pension in return for the claim on his assets.

You're in a good position paying only a share of bills and having the right to stay for life in the property. You can and should be saving a lot and making your own investments whether that's in a property or something else.

Despite all that I do feel for you wanting to be married. It sounds like he has committed quite a lot to you but holding back on this one thing you really want to make it seem perfect. I do understand that. My husband had been married before and said he never would again and I felt very upset by that. Someone else was "good enough" and I wasn't, albeit looking back I can see it from his point of view. We did later marry (and have children) because I refused to jointly buy a property or have children without marriage. But if I was now widowed or divorced there is no way I would marry again because I'm past the age of more children or needing to join finances to buy a house. It would be a huge risk to the assets I'd want to make sure our children would get.

Is there anything that could make you feel more "married" as a compromise? I know someone who changed her surname to his and referred to herself as Mrs so many people assumed they were married. She got the social "benefits" of marriage without the legal obligations. I don't know if that sort of thing might help you, particularly if you are focused on a venue and a wedding dress, but I thought I'd share.

The therapy you mention makes good sense. Just to get it all clear and see what's going on, what you really want and need from this. Agree there may be other ways that show commitment without the legal side. Tattoo of your name on his bum maybe

I get this, we aren't decided yet. I find myself day dreaming about arrangements etc. my sensible head doesn't mind because we can get a legal document drawn up to protect each other and the kids are all great about things (dsd asked when sorting out her dads will if she could stay living with me if I have lifetime rights because she doesn't want to go to her mums!)

You haven't been married so it's even more difficult - we he go for a humanist commitment ceremony perhaps?

But the legal obligations are important. Too many women stuff their own very valid feelings and opinions down. I guess this man would not even consider a civil partnership either, that would give the OP some legal protection.

Am glad you saw a solicitor with him OP but you should also consider seeking your own legal advice in such matters.

I think you should buy your own house and let it out, OP. You are actually the one benefitting financially as you are living rent free. If you split up or he dies then you will have your own place to go back to. He has his own kids so I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to stop them inheriting the family home.

As a divorced woman who had to pay my ex to go away I firmly believe that having a relationship should not entitle someone to a house! You are not of an age when you will be having children so there’s not that complication either.

Why worry about some sort of ceremony? What a waste of money and effort. I don’t see the attraction. Go and have a good holiday and get on with your life. I’m afraid marriage is only a legal deal and a bad one at that.

Financially you are actually better off with him than if you left and became single again. You would have the same access to your own money but would lose the benefits of living jointly. So what pp have said about that is nonsense. However I do agree that it would be wise to look to the future and maybe invest your money in a property, as property tends to hold up well over time.

Re the marriage. I can fully understand why he wouldn't want to marry again, and it really wouldn't have the same significance to him if he did, as it does to you. It's no shame not to have ever been married and long marriages aren't always a sign of a successful enterprise! You seem to value the concept highly though - maybe some therapy to explore why might be helpful, as I do understand that not having what many / most others have, can induce a huge longing. Others saying they don't value it or wouldn't do it again, won't change how YOU feel about it. Maybe understanding yourself more will result in you being able to make peace with the situation or find another way to acknowledge the commitment you have as a couple.

You can't get away from the fact that you would like to be married. And he doesn't want to marry you. One of you will have to compromise if you are to remain together.

If you compromise, you are accepting living your life never marrying, and not having that commitment that he was willing to give to two other people. Always wondering why he wasn't willing to do that for you.

If he compromises, what does he lose? Because if he is commited already, and expecting you to stay together, then he has nothing to lose from getting married.

Your compromise is bigger than his.

If he dies, would the house need to be sold to pay the inheritance tax?

3 year relationship is long if you are young, by by 50/60s it’s still fairly new. So - for starters, I’d try to focus on enjoying your life.
What he feels about marriage to you may change as you spend more time together.

Your main issue is that ‘no one wanted to marry you’, and you need some sort of validation. How to deal with that - I don’t know really. Speak to someone? Have a bit of therapy to figure out your feelings and what causes that?
There is also a question of is the relationship making you feel happy; does it feel like there is commitment, etc.

I think people saying - not wanting to marry says something about his commitment is largely unfair. He has been there, twice. Most likely it wasn’t a pleasant experience. He already twice trusted the ‘feeling’ of wanting to be with someone forever… and those relationships failed, for whatever reason.
So - regardless of how he feels about you - he knows that that alone isn’t enough for a relationship to succeed. And marriage is about more than a feeling anyway.

Main point of marriage really is sharing the assets and protecting the more vulnerable partner, usually the female. Especially when there are children involved.
In your case - as an older couple, he did put in place some protections for you, which is a good starting point. It is not bulletproof, but good anyway.

As you spend more time together - I am guessing he may mellow out on that, if you still feel that way. Or you may become less insecure of his commitment.
I’d not throw away a good relationship over marriage, in your phase of life.

If he compromises, what does he lose? Because if he is commited already, and expecting you to stay together, then he has nothing to lose from getting married.

He has 50% of his assets to lose and all his children's inheritance. That's a lot more tangible than what the OP has to lose if she compromises.

In your situation I’d channel the money I was saving on rent/mortgage into buying a flat or small house somewhere I wouldn’t mind living - so either locally to you now or near to family and ressources you might want and need later in life. And I’d rent it out. That would provide you some financial security if you break up and he takes you off his will.

Your partner has 2 divorces under his belt and has clearly decided he's not going down the marriage road again. And I don't blame him!

I agree.

It’s a bit unfair as he’s experienced it twice but you never have but you knew that when you got with him.

At your ages I would rather stay unmarried.

You could talk to him about it and see if he’s willing to have a ceremony but not make it official or have a prenup
Or more sensibly if you want the pretty dress and be the centre of attention could he put on a big doo for a birthday or anniversary instead?

You sound very intelligent so I would try and think about what part of the wedding you really want and see if you can somehow recreate it without actually being married.

(which is not to say she should compromise. just addressing the frankly odd assumption that he has nothing to lose. and of course he loses nothing if they stay married, but it would be hard for a twice-divorced person to have blind faith in that and not be a bit wiser this time around)

Can't he put your name on the house deeds so that you've got some sort of financial protection? I wouldn't worry too much about not being married. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Get legal advice for yourself and financial advice for your future.
He could change his will. His children could contest the will. Just because you are allowed live there doesn't make it your shared asset.
What if you are incapacitated and cannot live there. You can't sell it and take a share to fund your own care.
What's his problem about marrying you?
That's the real issue, and you are not calling him on it.
If it were me, I'd buy a place in a location that would suit you in your future should you split up, or he died and has good rental potential. It'd also show him that you don't entirely rely on him for shelter. That you have somewhere to go. And psychologically that's a shift to a different dynamic that gives you independence and freedom to choose.
I guarantee if this very afternoon you start talking about buying your own house, you'll see a different look cross his face. It'll be interesting.
He's feathered his own nest nicely with a younger woman to make sure he has a nursemaid into his old age.
But he won't split his assets in a fair way.

@Pinkdelight3

If he compromises, what does he lose? Because if he is commited already, and expecting you to stay together, then he has nothing to lose from getting married.

He has 50% of his assets to lose and all his children's inheritance. That's a lot more tangible than what the OP has to lose if she compromises.

Exactly!