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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I stop worrying about not getting married?

144 replies

Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 09:55

Name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. We live together. I am in my 50s and he’s in his 60s.

I am financially independent in as much as I work full time and contribute half to all household expenses , except that it’s his house, without a mortgage and I don’t pay rent (because he doesn’t want me to, we have discussed it).

I have never been married, he’s been married twice.

He is sure that he doesn’t want to marry again. I don’t doubt his love and commitment but he doesn’t want to express it by getting married.

For me, it feels like the ultimate step in commitment and it makes me sad that he has married two women, but won’t marry me.

No one has ever wanted to marry me!

This isn’t a deal breaker. I’m absolutely not going to leave him, but I just wish I could stop being obsessed with it (I think about venues, dresses etc etc a lot).

I have brought it up several times and he’s always kind about it, but also firm.
How can I let it go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 16:31

Very much so @Pinkdelight3
I think, for me, that’s a very good summary.

OP posts:
ABitOfAShitShow · 06/02/2022 16:36

@DiddyHeck and @SleepingStandingUp I absolutely CAN respect it. I’m simply saying that if he’s as invested as she is, there might be some version that makes him comfortable if the alternative is not being together. Because her just going along with it isn’t compromising is it. And I was wondering whether, you know, they could BOTH get their needs met.

ABitOfAShitShow · 06/02/2022 16:40

@SleepingStandingUp

Why is that not enough for some people on this thread to respect and accept? Because he's a man so he's wrong.
And I’ve not once suggested he’s wrong - let alone wrong because he’s a man. I was thinking about the other person’s needs as they’ve started a thread about it so it’s obviously important - and I’m not in the jump to LTB camp. It wouldn’t matter if the genders were reversed!
LadyEloise1 · 06/02/2022 16:41

@Namechangeagoogoo
I'm glad you were with him when he did up his will.
Thank you for clarifying.

CovidCurious · 06/02/2022 16:50

Depending on the size of his estate this may not matter, but as OP is not his spouse his estate will be subject to inheritance tax when he dies. It is all very well for him to say OP can stay in the house for life, and the children may now be happy about it, but they may be less happy to find they have to stump up for tax without selling the house. In which case the house may well be sold anyway, whatever the will says. If only for financial reasons it actually makes sense for this couple to marry. The house can remain in his name and his will can remain the same (although would have to be re-made as marriage cancels a will) but at least tax would not be due on the house until after the death of OP.

Wherearemymarbles · 06/02/2022 17:01

Covid,

Its a very valid point on potential iht. It has to be paid so house may well have to be sold

TorringtonDean · 06/02/2022 17:44

If they marry and he dies first (as OP said, not guaranteed) then she inherits. When she dies it goes to her DD. A little unfair to his DC, isn’t it?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/02/2022 17:49

ABitOfAShitShow it wasn't a comment personally aimed at anyone, more a generic MN thing. If he came on and said this is the situation, I don't want to get married and I want to protect my assets, most of the people having a go at him indirectly still would. If the sexes were reversed, lots of those would be in favour of not getting married and protecting her children, he'd be a money grabber just after the poor kids livelihoods whereas now op should get her name on the deeds despite making no financial contribution and being with him a mere few years

Original poster
Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 17:50

Yes that is unfair @TorringtonDean and we would make sure that didn’t happen. (I don’t mean just by relying on my good nature!)

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 06/02/2022 17:57

If he has children from his previous marriages, I don’t think he should remarry. His inheritance should go to his children. Marriage forms an economic partnership and he isn’t really in a position to do that.

I would consider being together but living in adjacent housing so that you each have your own property and ownership and right to remain upon death is absolutely clear.

feelsobadfeltsogood · 06/02/2022 17:57

@Namechangeagoogoo

Get over it

It's only a piece of paper and if he's been married twice already kinda takes the edge off it anyway!!

Out of all our friends only a couple of them have bothered to get married - it's not the be all and end all of life

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2022 18:04

Don't let someone tell you marriage is just a piece of paper. So are the deeds to your house, passport, bank statements and money and people generally look after such things. Do not ever let others decide what its meaning is for you.

CourtRand · 06/02/2022 18:43

After two failed marriages he may see it as a death knell rather than a commitment and he doesn't want to fail again.

ABitOfAShitShow · 06/02/2022 19:28

@SleepingStandingUp

ABitOfAShitShow it wasn't a comment personally aimed at anyone, more a generic MN thing. If he came on and said this is the situation, I don't want to get married and I want to protect my assets, most of the people having a go at him indirectly still would. If the sexes were reversed, lots of those would be in favour of not getting married and protecting her children, he'd be a money grabber just after the poor kids livelihoods whereas now op should get her name on the deeds despite making no financial contribution and being with him a mere few years
That’s fair. The quote was aimed at me though.

I do hear what you’re saying. And I accept his right to do what’s right for him. It’d just be nice if both could be happy/feel like they were being met in the middle.

Wherearemymarbles · 06/02/2022 20:53

Of course its not a piece of paper Atilla. Its a legally binding document entitling the op to significant amount of wealth she has not contributed to.

And he is absolutely right to to protect his and his Children’s interests. And only an entitled gold digger would think differently.

CousinKrispy · 06/02/2022 21:37

The problem is that marriage conflates many things, including tremendous emotional/sentimental value, as well as the economic protection that Wherearemymarbles points out

OP will have to decide for herself which parts are most important to her, and what that means for her relationship.

Original poster
Namechangeagoogoo · 07/02/2022 07:23

Well thanks everyone. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
Definitely some more discussion needed with my partner and perhaps some therapy for me.

OP posts:
Bone11 · 08/05/2023 23:13

What did you decide in the end OP? Would love an update.

Livelifelaughter · 09/05/2023 10:23

I disagree with the people who say your partner is showing a lack of commitment.
I wouldn't get married again, my divorce was so painful and I can't put myself through that again; realistically relationships end but divorce is gut wrenching.
Also, I agree you shouldn't pay rent. If you are worried about having a property then buy a place that you can use as a bolt hole together in the countryside.
Older people don't see a desperate need to get married if they have been married before.

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