How can I stop worrying about not getting married?

[Namechangeagoogoo]

Name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. We live together. I am in my 50s and he’s in his 60s.

I am financially independent in as much as I work full time and contribute half to all household expenses , except that it’s his house, without a mortgage and I don’t pay rent (because he doesn’t want me to, we have discussed it).

I have never been married, he’s been married twice.

He is sure that he doesn’t want to marry again. I don’t doubt his love and commitment but he doesn’t want to express it by getting married.

For me, it feels like the ultimate step in commitment and it makes me sad that he has married two women, but won’t marry me.

No one has ever wanted to marry me!

This isn’t a deal breaker. I’m absolutely not going to leave him, but I just wish I could stop being obsessed with it (I think about venues, dresses etc etc a lot).

I have brought it up several times and he’s always kind about it, but also firm.
How can I let it go?

• titchy His will may reflect that, but what if he needs residential care? The house would have to be sold if there is no other provision. Which leaves you where...? Working full time and not paying rent, so able to put money aside to provide for her own future?*

She won't be working full time once she's retired!

It's also a red flag he's been married and divorced twice.

I wonder if there are behaviours you're putting up with that other women wouldn't? Or there may be bad behaviours that you don't yet see because you don't have kids with him (having children requires self sacrifice from men and therefore reveals selfish male behaviours) but they'll come out in other scenarios where he needs to actually sacrifice for you e.g. you need long term care support from him in the future.

You seem to be seeing him in an overly positive light. For example you seem not to realise that him refusing for you to contribute towards his house isn't him being generous to you. Like refusing to marry you, it's him ensuring he financially protects himself from you so you don't have a possibility of claiming anything against his house. He clearly sees what he has is ultimately his, so of course he won't be the committing type.

He'll be turfing you out of his house with nothing if there any relationship problems in the future. In the meantime, you're a good planned carer for him in his old age while he gets to leave you with nothing substantial when he dies or you break up.

Please don't be foolish, you're not a slave and you shouldn't be putting up with this precarious non-commital girlfriend situation. Instead of marrying him, I'd be leaving him.

He holds all the power and control here; you have very little and he knows that too.

This is so weird. She's in her 50s. They've been together 3.5 years. On what planet is she this helpless, homeless wench being duped by him? She managed to provide for herself until he came along. She's not paying rent now and could afford to buy herself a house if she wanted. It's bonkers to frame it like he has all the control (of what? what doesn't the OP control that she should be able to??) because he's the guy. As a PP said, plenty of divorced women wouldn't want to marry again either and it wouldn't mean they weren't committed to their DP.

He sounds very sensible to me.

He wants to protect the assets that he has for his kids but also wants to be fair to you by making sure they can’t turf you out in your lifetime and isn’t expecting you to pay anything for a property you don’t own.

I don’t understand why people are vilifying him for putting his kids first when normally that’s what people always want men to do!

In his position I wouldn't get married either. There is absolutely no benefit to him.

If the op were male, would she not be termed a "cocklodger"?

No way would a woman be upbraided for not getting married if she didn't want to.

Things don't have to be 'rational' to make sense. We all have things that are important to us and we have our own reasons, even if at times they are not rational.

I fully understand that you want to marry to feel complete and maybe you tell yourself that changing the will is great but deep down its that marriage commitment. Maybe in part so that others see you as a married woman, or that yes she is not the life long single, or you just want to wear a wedding ring everyday. You know what the reasons are and maybe if things continue well over the next couple of years you could raise the idea of marriage. There are of course financial considerations for him but nothing that cannot be overcome.

I would look upon the will change as a real positive and the opportunity to raise marriage within a couple of years.

I don't understand why some people are vilifying him either. It's perfectly normal to not want to get married, especially when you've been divorced twice already. No-one should feel forced into marriage.

That doesn't mean you should never allow a partner to live in your house if you both want that, especially if (as in the OP's case) provision has been made for death and if they split up, she has the money to re-house herself. She's not paying rent so I assume she's regularly putting that money away.

I understand both people’s perspectives here. In his position, I absolutely would not marry again, for the simple and obvious reason that it would be stupid to potentially risk my sole ownership of the house I had worked hard to own outright. In OP’s position I would absolutely want the security of marriage, again for obvious reasons.

So you have a problem, OP. You want marriage. He doesn’t. He has security, you don’t. The unfortunate reality for you is that he is happy with the status quo and you are not, therefore the ball is in your court.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

So you want to be his unmarried partner for the rest of your days then?. A great shame he does not regard you with the same level of importance you place on him.

This. I'm afraid @AttilaTheMeerkat some women will only learn the hard way and are content letting a man have so much power in their relationships

This man can change get his will at any time (and without the OP knowing). She's essentially squatting in his house and at his mercy while they remain two legally single people.

If he truly saw the two of them as spending the rest of their lives together and trusted her too, he would marry her. It's really as simple as that. The remaining unmarried is an insurance policy to ensure he keeps his assets how he likes if they break up (and the rates of unmarried people breaking up are higher than those who marry).

The only thing you could do OP is move out. Buy your own place to live in and just date. If he wants you to live with him, cook his meals, wash his clothes, clean his house, be his companion, sleep with him every night, etc. then he has to marry you. You could try that?

I mean, he has the right to not marry but you also have the right to not act like a married couple. Up to you.

Honestly, after two divorces, the chances of him having a successful third marriage is very, very slim.

You’re financially independent, don’t share kids, haven’t given up your career to raise his children- in your shoes I’d be saving myself the hassle and expense of a likely divorce.

Have you seen the will ?
Is it rock solid re you remaining in the house ?
I've seen too many stories in the mail where a life partner has to go to court when someone dies and the children of the deceased try to get them out of their home or not inherit money / assets willed to them by their partner.

No way would a woman be upbraided for not getting married if she didn't want to.

Exactly. In fact even if she wanted to, I expect she'd sensibly be warned to think about what marriage would bring to her life when she owns her own home, has an income of her own and won't be having children.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I am not angry at all, just saddened that you have stuffed your own feelings down re marriage as so many women are wont to do. He holds all the power and control here; you have very little and he knows that too. What commitment has he shown; he has basically allowed you to live in his home and a home at that you yourself have likely added your own personal touches to.

You sound very passive here and perhaps worn down by it all as well.

Obviously we don’t know each other @AttilaTheMeerkat and I appreciate your concern. But I’m honestly not worn down by it. I do feel sad sometimes but not for the reasons you’re implying. He’s not using me as a housekeeper/ fuck buddy. We have a mature, equal relationship. And I don’t think I’m entitled to any part of his house - why would I be? I have looked after myself for 40 odd years (some of them very odd ) ) and I don’t need anyone else’s money.

That sounds hard.

I think you need to respect how he feels about marriage in this instance. When it's a women having children with someone (in the UK where you have fuck all legal rights in the event of a split) I'd feel differently and I think there is more of a moral obligation on the man's part to provide the security that comes with marriage. But you're both finished having children, and you've lived independent lives building careers, family and assets separately.

In terms of what you can do, I think you should be paying a lot of attention to your finances. If you're saving on rent and living costs then save and invest that money in case you need it. Be your own security. Don't pour your own money into his asset. If the boiler needs replacing etc- that's a cost for him.

If you're missing the symbolism of marriage then I think talk to him about it. You could have a party, or buy each other a significant present or eager tattoos or whatever! Open your mind and see if there is another way to scratch that itch.

Also I don't think @AttilaTheMeerkat is having a go at you. She's on this board a lot and consistently gives sensible but direct advice and insight to people having a hard time. Including me once (under a different username). She really helped me. I think she's coming from a good place FWIW.

@LadyEloise1

Have you seen the will ? Is it rock solid re you remaining in the house ? I've seen too many stories in the mail where a life partner has to go to court when someone dies and the children of the deceased try to get them out of their home or not inherit money / assets willed to them by their partner.

Yes we met his solicitor together.

@Nandakanda

If the op were male, would she not be termed a "cocklodger"?

No way would a woman be upbraided for not getting married if she didn't want to.

Absolutely correct, but MN is the home of double standards, so what do you expect? 🙄

Do you want a marriage or a wedding?

I would suggest you buy that small property as security so you have a foot hold in the property market.

Then research marriage and come to understand how it generally a bad deal for women, unmarried women are happier.

Then plough money into your pension and live with this man only as long as you want to, revelling in your freedom and financial independence. You're lucky.

@Pinkdelight3

He holds all the power and control here; you have very little and he knows that too.

This is so weird. She's in her 50s. They've been together 3.5 years. On what planet is she this helpless, homeless wench being duped by him? She managed to provide for herself until he came along. She's not paying rent now and could afford to buy herself a house if she wanted. It's bonkers to frame it like he has all the control (of what? what doesn't the OP control that she should be able to??) because he's the guy. As a PP said, plenty of divorced women wouldn't want to marry again either and it wouldn't mean they weren't committed to their DP.

Thanks @Pinkdelight3 I’m glad you see it this way. My practical situation is fairly straightforward. Yes he could sneak back to the solicitors and change his will again. But if he did I would be ok. I wouldn’t be happy but I wouldn’t be on the streets either.

@DiddyHeck no one is saying he can't choose. marriage is a free choice so of course he should absolutely choose whether he should marry or not. But all choices have consequences. It's the very real impact of this choice on the OP that people are talking about. To be honest, the OP should leave him. He's getting everything in marriage apart from the commitment which is fundamentally unfair to the OP. He's saying he wants all the benefits of marriage but I don't want to be legally committed to you. Horrible.
She was understandably bothered enough to create a thread online about it.

Her feelings are more than valid and in her position I would leave him. Unfortunately there's a clear unhealthy power dynamic here because the boyfriend presuambly knows the @Namechangeagoogoo will stay without him committing to her, or he'd be happy to lose her her so he can stay uncommitted to a woman. Either way, SHE wants the relationship more than him and that's always an unhappy situation to be in.

This man can change get his will at any time (and without the OP knowing). She's essentially squatting in his house and at his mercy while they remain two legally single people.

Wtf?! "At his mercy"?? She could buy a house tomorrow and rent it out and there's her security. He's already given her a life interest in the house. What's she given him?? Not that she should give him anything, but the entitlement of some of these posts - not the OP's I must say. On what planet is a woman owed a house by her DP at this stage in life? It's a miracle he's still got one after two divorces and I'm not surprised he's hanging onto it.

Jesus wept.

@WaterBottle123

I would suggest you buy that small property as security so you have a foot hold in the property market.

Then research marriage and come to understand how it generally a bad deal for women, unmarried women are happier.

Then plough money into your pension and live with this man only as long as you want to, revelling in your freedom and financial independence. You're lucky.

Thanks @WaterBottle123 I am lucky and I think that every day.
Good advice for us all re pensions!

@Pinkdelight3

This man can change get his will at any time (and without the OP knowing). She's essentially squatting in his house and at his mercy while they remain two legally single people.

Wtf?! "At his mercy"?? She could buy a house tomorrow and rent it out and there's her security. He's already given her a life interest in the house. What's she given him?? Not that she should give him anything, but the entitlement of some of these posts - not the OP's I must say. On what planet is a woman owed a house by her DP at this stage in life? It's a miracle he's still got one after two divorces and I'm not surprised he's hanging onto it.

Jesus wept.

😂 cannot disagree with anything there!