Page 4 | How can I stop worrying about not getting married?

Namechangeagoogoo · 2022-02-06T09:55:53+00:00

Name changed for this. I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. We live together. I am in my 50s and he’s in his 60s. I am financially independent in as much as I work full time and contribute half to all household expenses , except that it’s his house, without a mortgage and I don’t pay rent (because he doesn’t want me to, we have discussed it). I have never been married, he’s been married twice. He is sure that he doesn’t want to marry again. I don’t doubt his love and commitment but he doesn’t want to express it by getting married. For me, it feels like the ultimate step in commitment and it makes me sad that he has married two women, but won’t marry me. No one has ever wanted to marry me! This isn’t a deal breaker. I’m absolutely not going to leave him, but I just wish I could stop being obsessed with it (I think about venues, dresses etc etc a lot). I have brought it up several times and he’s always kind about it, but also firm. How can I let it go?

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 12:41

@irene9

Get legal advice for yourself and financial advice for your future. He could change his will. His children could contest the will. Just because you are allowed live there doesn't make it your shared asset. What if you are incapacitated and cannot live there. You can't sell it and take a share to fund your own care. What's his problem about marrying you? That's the real issue, and you are not calling him on it. If it were me, I'd buy a place in a location that would suit you in your future should you split up, or he died and has good rental potential. It'd also show him that you don't entirely rely on him for shelter. That you have somewhere to go. And psychologically that's a shift to a different dynamic that gives you independence and freedom to choose. I guarantee if this very afternoon you start talking about buying your own house, you'll see a different look cross his face. It'll be interesting. He's feathered his own nest nicely with a younger woman to make sure he has a nursemaid into his old age. But he won't split his assets in a fair way.

What's his problem about marrying you?

Why are you assuming there is a problem? If he doesn't want to get married again that's a perfectly valid choice. There doesn't have to be a 'problem' involved.

LemonTT · 06/02/2022 12:42

@AttilaTheMeerkat

But the legal obligations are important. Too many women stuff their own very valid feelings and opinions down. I guess this man would not even consider a civil partnership either, that would give the OP some legal protection.

Am glad you saw a solicitor with him OP but you should also consider seeking your own legal advice in such matters.

That’s quite a patronising remake to make. Women are capable of being cognisant of legal and financial issues. We are not passive victims and it is very sad that you stereotype women in this way. The OP has quite clearly stated she is financially independent and her relationship is if anything financially beneficial. She is an individual not a Mn cliche.

She is not powerless in the relationship which is not based on financial convenience but on love. That makes them equals. Their issue is their respective views on marriage borne of different experience.

It’s not even vaguely a gender issue to question why someone wouldn’t want to go through a second divorce never mind a third.

OP, I suggest you speak to him about what it felt like to divorce. It’s a more protracted and therefore painful experience than break ups. I can assure this that his reasoning won’t be down to financial calculation. It will be about divorce processes that inevitably cause friction and hurt even when there is no blame.

The issues you have are about love and experience. Which has led you both to a principled point of disagreement. That is a tricky situation for a couple. Maybe you both need counselling to talk it through.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/02/2022 12:43

He's feathered his own nest nicely with a younger woman to make sure he has a nursemaid into his old age.

But she can go any time she likes. If the nursemaid was his endgame, surely he would be dead keen on marrying her so she was tied down.

whenwilliwillibefamous · 06/02/2022 12:45

I'm with PPs, go see a solicitor and talk through all the possible scenarios and make sure you have covered them - then stop worrying.

I do actually get the "why won't he marry me" feelings. However from the sound of it, you should be concentrating on dotting the i's and crossing the t's.

You don't want to be 18 years down the line, perhaps in bad health and wanting to stay in your own home, and discover that in the early stages of dementia your partner snuck off and changed his will, and now he's died and the kids have changed the locks!

A solicitor may suggest something like you buying half the house from him.

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 12:47

Great post @LemonTT 👏👏

TorringtonDean · 06/02/2022 12:49

It’s HIS house. Why is this so hard for some people to understand? The OP does seem to understand this! Best if she buys her own place and stays independent.

As for him “making the commitment” to the other wives…so what! He is indeed lucky to still have a house at all after two divorces. The reluctance to marry says nothing about his commitment to the OP. But it does say that he doesn’t want to be financially stung again. Good for him!

AlbertBridge · 06/02/2022 12:51

No one has ever wanted to marry me!

Stop living with men who won't marry you. If they want 24/7 access to you, they have to marry you. It's that easy.

With this guy, definitely definitely buy your own place ASAP because he's not getting his knee dirty anytime soon and you're missing your chance to get on the property ladder. He'll respect you for it. It'll also be lovely for you. Exciting!

Original poster

Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 12:51

@DiddyHeck

Great post *@LemonTT* 👏👏

Agree!

I hadn’t thought about the two of us trying therapy. I wouldn’t want him to think it was with a view to persuading him to change his mind but I’m sure I could be clear with him about that if I suggest it.
He has no experience of therapy whereas I have quite a lot.

As a few pps have suggested, there is definitely something about him choosing to marry two other women but not me
But if I was in his situation I imagine I may well feel exactly the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 12:54

I am also going to seriously consider buying a very small property somewhere where I would like to live.

I could rent it out for now and then if he dies first (which is certainly not guaranteed !) I would have more options (& at a time like that I wouldn’t want to be thinking about house purchases )

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2022 12:56

He has far more power in this relationship than she has and he knows it too. He is protecting his own self here.

Too many women on here and on other forums do not protect them own financial interest and willingly hand over all their bargaining power to the man. How many times have we seen women saying that they are still not married even after they have given these men children?. That particular scenario does not apply here but all the same not all women are indeed cognisant when it comes to financial and legal matters.

TorringtonDean · 06/02/2022 12:56

OP it’s not about you.

As I divorced woman with my own house, pension pot and savings I would never marry again. For one thing, I want that house to go to my kids if I die and nobody else! He’s actually done pretty well entering into another relationship. I honestly wouldn’t take the financial risk again.

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 12:57

As a few pps have suggested, there is definitely something about him choosing to marry two other women but not me

Was he young enough to have children? That was the only reason I married a second time, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2022 12:58

And what is so patronising to you personally about advising the op as well to seek her own legal advice?. It is not.

Original poster

Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 12:59

@DiddyHeck

As a few pps have suggested, there is definitely something about him choosing to marry two other women but not me

Was he young enough to have children? That was the only reason I married a second time, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered.

Yes the children re from the second marriage.

OP posts:

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 13:00

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He has far more power in this relationship than she has and he knows it too. He is protecting his own self here.

Too many women on here and on other forums do not protect them own financial interest and willingly hand over all their bargaining power to the man. How many times have we seen women saying that they are still not married even after they have given these men children?. That particular scenario does not apply here but all the same not all women are indeed cognisant when it comes to financial and legal matters.

I'm not quite sure what this post has to do with the OP though? It might be more helpful if you stuck to the OP's situation, as bringing other women and other scenarios into this sends the thread on a bit of a tangent.

AlbertBridge · 06/02/2022 13:02

Also, definitely buy your own property now. You won't have to pay the 3% "second property" stamp duty that you'd have to pay if you were married to a homeowner. So do it now!!!

ABitOfAShitShow · 06/02/2022 13:08

I understand both sides here and don’t think there’s anything alarming about the man in question. However, there is a truth in some of the posts about his wishes trumping yours - not in terms of the the financial implications or anything but just in the sense that it could just as easily be argued that he could get married for you, the same as you could put up with not getting married for him. He’s getting his way and you are not, at the end of the day.

I know prenups are pretty worthless here but is there any way he could further protect his assets and get married? Which would be an actual compromise for you both.

ChiefInspectorParker · 06/02/2022 13:10

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Sleepytimebear · 06/02/2022 13:12

I feel for you OP. Before I got married I felt exactly the same, marriage was so important to me. Having got divorced (and it was bloody awful!) I realised how I had a deep rooted cultural belief that marriage was something I had to do to be accepted/successful and without it there was no commitment from my partner. For me it was forever and i never thought i would get divorced. In reality it meant nothing, my husband still had an affair and it just made it harder for me to get free of him. I would never get married again knowing what I know now but also because marriage no longer holds that same value to me. I think its very difficult for you to see his perspective, i certainly wouldn't have considered it valid before i went through divorce. If you have therapy already I definitely think it would be worth exploring why you put such high worth on the institution of marriage and this might help you understand why you want it.

Original poster

Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 13:13

Thanks @ABitOfAShitShow

I think his concern is a less tangible one, he is concerned that getting married will somehow have a detrimental affect on our relationship.

I don’t know much about pre-nups but I would be happy to make that sort of arrangement- I do not want or expect to inherit or take anything from him (maybe a few knickknacks/ photos etc )
The house and his money are his.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun76 · 06/02/2022 13:13

@spotcheck

I agree with *@SleepingStandingUp*

It is way ( way!!) more important to have a good solid relationship built on love and trust.
It's a relationship, so it really isn't just about you.
Is this a better relationship than others you've been in?
You are old enough to understand the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. Does this relationship meet those?

If so, isn't that the most important thing?

Is there a compromise? Would you consider an engagement ( with no intention of marrying) and throwing a bash?

How on earth is an engagement without a wedding a compromise 🤔🤔🤔

LemonTT · 06/02/2022 13:18

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He has far more power in this relationship than she has and he knows it too. He is protecting his own self here.

Too many women on here and on other forums do not protect them own financial interest and willingly hand over all their bargaining power to the man. How many times have we seen women saying that they are still not married even after they have given these men children?. That particular scenario does not apply here but all the same not all women are indeed cognisant when it comes to financial and legal matters.

You really need to stop seeing life through social media and Internet forums. It’s not real and it’s not reflective of society.

If your strongest argument for your opinions are “what I read on the internet” then you have a problem.

ABitOfAShitShow · 06/02/2022 13:19

I feel for you, OP. And I don’t think you should be trying to ‘therapy yourself’ out of your wishes. It’s very much not an outlandish want - especially with you so obviously uninterested in gaining anything beyond a demonstration of love and commitment from a man who loves you.

Have you spoken to him in this level of detail? Or was it just high-level?

spotcheck · 06/02/2022 13:19

@Anniegetyourgun76

Not my thing personally, but it seems that some people are perpetually engaged as a sign of commitment.

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 13:19

@ABitOfAShitShow

I understand both sides here and don’t think there’s anything alarming about the man in question. However, there is a truth in some of the posts about his wishes trumping yours - not in terms of the the financial implications or anything but just in the sense that it could just as easily be argued that he could get married for you, the same as you could put up with not getting married for him. He’s getting his way and you are not, at the end of the day.

I know prenups are pretty worthless here but is there any way he could further protect his assets and get married? Which would be an actual compromise for you both.

I know prenups are pretty worthless here but is there any way he could further protect his assets and get married? Which would be an actual compromise for you both.

He. Doesn't. Want. To. Get. Married.

Why is that not enough for some people on this thread to respect and accept?