How can I stop worrying about not getting married?

[Namechangeagoogoo]

Name changed for this.

I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. We live together. I am in my 50s and he’s in his 60s.

I am financially independent in as much as I work full time and contribute half to all household expenses , except that it’s his house, without a mortgage and I don’t pay rent (because he doesn’t want me to, we have discussed it).

I have never been married, he’s been married twice.

He is sure that he doesn’t want to marry again. I don’t doubt his love and commitment but he doesn’t want to express it by getting married.

For me, it feels like the ultimate step in commitment and it makes me sad that he has married two women, but won’t marry me.

No one has ever wanted to marry me!

This isn’t a deal breaker. I’m absolutely not going to leave him, but I just wish I could stop being obsessed with it (I think about venues, dresses etc etc a lot).

I have brought it up several times and he’s always kind about it, but also firm.
How can I let it go?

@Namechangeagoogoo

Thanks *@ABitOfAShitShow*

I think his concern is a less tangible one, he is concerned that getting married will somehow have a detrimental affect on our relationship.

I don’t know much about pre-nups but I would be happy to make that sort of arrangement- I do not want or expect to inherit or take anything from him (maybe a few knickknacks/ photos etc )
The house and his money are his.

I’d not make an assumption that his stance is based on transactional concerns reflected here. Some of which are quite scary and borderline nauseating.

It doesn’t sound like he is bothered about the financial commitment as much as the emotional consequences. All of which have been negative for him. If this isn’t about money then you are going to end up at cross purposes.

This is an issue for couples therapy not SM speculation. You both have things that need to be worked through and it can be done together.

I don’t think it’s remotely got anything to do with you personally that he doesn’t want to get married. He didn’t love his ex wives more. He just probably thinks people would think he’s a fool to have a third marriage, and he sound like he feels marriage “jinxed” both his previous relationships and he doesn’t want that with yours. So you could look at it as though he loves you more! And I actually think he’s been really fair changing his will for you after only three and a half years- he obviously is very serious..

But I can see your side too. It’s something you haven’t done. It’s a bit of a “pressure” in our society. I agree with pps- I would definitely buy a place of your own, a back up plan, that you can let out.

@Pinkdelight3

He's feathered his own nest nicely with a younger woman to make sure he has a nursemaid into his old age.

But she can go any time she likes. If the nursemaid was his endgame, surely he would be dead keen on marrying her so she was tied down.

Quite. Currently OP can pack a bag and go. No legal ties (marriage, house) holding her in place as this piece of convenient care worker so many seem desperate to paint her as.

If op had kids and a paid for house in her name and her DP was desperate to marry her she'd be told unequivocally not to to protect her kids. But as a man, he must be a dickhead user who can barely put up with but does so incase he needs hsi arse wiping in twenty years

Why is that not enough for some people on this thread to respect and accept?
Because he's a man so he's wrong.

I get you OP, I am in my late 50s and never married. I have a lovely relationship now and he stated that he would never marry again. I also will never be able to marry now as I have so much invested in my pension, mortgage free and many other investments it will be financial suicide to marry. BUT.....it does not stop me wistfully thinking and wondering what it would be like to experience the wedding and the marriage. It is something I think about, not often, but often enough to day dream. My partner and I have discussed it a couple of times and sadly his marriage was a difficult one and quite rightly never wants to exchange vows again. You sound stable and fundamentally happy where you are but with this little voice nagging at you. You are set up well in case things dont work out so all I can give advise to you is....acknowledge your feelings, work through them, accept them and try and be happy with your lot.

@Sleepytimebear

I feel for you OP. Before I got married I felt exactly the same, marriage was so important to me. Having got divorced (and it was bloody awful!) I realised how I had a deep rooted cultural belief that marriage was something I had to do to be accepted/successful and without it there was no commitment from my partner. For me it was forever and i never thought i would get divorced. In reality it meant nothing, my husband still had an affair and it just made it harder for me to get free of him. I would never get married again knowing what I know now but also because marriage no longer holds that same value to me. I think its very difficult for you to see his perspective, i certainly wouldn't have considered it valid before i went through divorce. If you have therapy already I definitely think it would be worth exploring why you put such high worth on the institution of marriage and this might help you understand why you want it.

Sorry to hear about your awful divorce @Sleepytimebear I think exploring my attitudes towards marriage would be helpful. Both my parents were married a number of times so I’m sure that’s significant.

@Dillydollydingdong

Can't he put your name on the house deeds so that you've got some sort of financial protection? I wouldn't worry too much about not being married. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

He's brought his house outright, she's been there three years and not paid a penny towards it. Why should she be entitled to her name on anything? How much extra money does she have from living I na house HE paid for?

Prenups are worthless. The whole point of the marriage contract is the financial sharing of assets, as my divorce lawyer told me. I wouldn’t make that mistake again!!! Marriage is NOT about love.

Yes, it is drummed into us from birth that marriage is a life goal and an achievement and also “respectable”. But don’t fall die that guff. It’s from a totally different time when women had no financial freedom and many people died at a young age.

You say his children were happy with his will, so happy that they wouldn't inherit until you died. I find that incredibly hard to believe! He'd only been with you for three years at that point. Their inheritance might come 30 years later than usual.

Usually I absolutely agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat but in this man's situation I wouldn't get married, either. I'd want to leave everything to my children and I wouldn't want them to potentially wait for decades for it, either.

@HollowTalk

You say his children were happy with his will, so happy that they wouldn't inherit until you died. I find that incredibly hard to believe! He'd only been with you for three years at that point. Their inheritance might come 30 years later than usual.

Usually I absolutely agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat but in this man's situation I wouldn't get married, either. I'd want to leave everything to my children and I wouldn't want them to potentially wait for decades for it, either.

Well there hasn’t been any negative feedback, I guess that’s all I know about the children’s reactions.
I mean, ideally my partner won’t die next week and we’ll have lots more happy years together! I think his children would prefer that than a lump sum which would not be enough to buy them a house each.

Not all children are arguing about their inheritance before the parent dies.
And I’m sure it’s relevant that they all have houses, some have spouses and children, so they are ok financially at the moment.

But it’s up to my partner what he does with his assets. I certainly didn’t put any pressure on him.

I think therapy is a great idea for you, OP, and a chance to explore your feelings more. Our upbringings can really influence how we feel about these milestones, but it doesn't mean we can't learn and grow--there's not one right way to live life.

If you decide marriage is essential to you, you can walk away easily, and in the meantime you've been able to save up most of your salary as you're living rent-free. That's actually a pretty amazing opportunity!

If you decide you're ok without marriage, then you're still able to provide your own long-term security by saving up money now.

Remember that about half of those people who make the commitment to marriage end up divorcing ...and even some of those who remain married are miserable with each other. It's no guarantee of romance and loyalty.

I love my current partner deeply but I don't think I'd ever want to risk going through divorce again. That doesn't automatically make me a bad partner, or unworthy of love....there are some nasty swipes on this thread on people who have (gasp) been married and divorced and now don't feel the same about marriage. Doesn't mean we can't be loyal, loving partners.

You aren't in any way trapped by him, whether financially or through having kids together.

If he has children it will be that my DF doesn't hasn't married his fiancée 14 years on. He's worried as she has a property and she wants it to go to her son and she can move in with my DF . My DF wants all his property to go to his children he's the higher earner , he will leave his large pension to her it's been a sticking point as we won't inherit a bean off my DM cause she blew all the divorce money and it's all gone.

I want my DF to remarry if it makes him happy but wills for second wives and existing children are complicated.

What if you died? Would you be leaving him anything, OP? It’s not a one-way street after all.

He’s done it twice as might just be scared of the third time, depending on why the other marriages ended. You need to ask him if he is looking to get married again, without him saying yes or no you will go round and round and round and never know for sure

Good question @TorringtonDean
We’ve discussed this and I haven’t changed my will. Any property/money will go to my daughter.

My partner’s view is that he has everything he needs, including a home, so does not want anything left to him apart from some sentimental items.

If I do buy a property I could ask him to change his will back to children inheriting immediately as I would not need to stay on in this house.

OK so at the moment if you die your DD inherits from you but he dies you are housed for life and his kids must wait to inherit. So already it’s not equal.

I think later marriages are very complicated if people have their own children and they want to look after them if they die. Marriage is a blind, blunt instrument that just leaves everything to a spouse.

I think a civil partnership might be better. I’m not sure but I believe you can make your own rules with one of them?

The entitlement of some PPs is shocking. HE DOESN'T OWE HER ANYTHING. The suggestion that she should be put on the house deeds is laughable. She is already benefitting from living there rent free. They won't have children together. Should she transfer half of her savings over to him or does it only apply to his assets?
@Namechangeagoogoo I think some sort of humanist wedding would be great in your situation. You could still exchange rings, have a nice dress and a party. You could also go to a solicitor together and take care of some legal issues like for example making medical decisions for each other if that's what you want. You don't have to be married to be able to get some rights and I think you can definitely speak to your partner about that.

Thanks @RitaJosephina
I have not thought about medical decisions, thank you for raising this. It’s something we must think about.

@TorringtonDean yes things are unequal in that sense. Although his children won’t have to wait to inherit the rest of his estate. The house would be put in trust until my death, the money etc would be theirs on his death.

Again, I didn’t ask for this, it was what he decided.

Why would he get married? If he does a woman he’s known 3.5 years gets half a house

His children lose half their inheritance.

Its funny how women are always told to protect themselves and their children in these circumstances by not getting married.

He is being very sensible in my opinion

@HollowTalk

You say his children were happy with his will, so happy that they wouldn't inherit until you died. I find that incredibly hard to believe! He'd only been with you for three years at that point. Their inheritance might come 30 years later than usual.

Usually I absolutely agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat but in this man's situation I wouldn't get married, either. I'd want to leave everything to my children and I wouldn't want them to potentially wait for decades for it, either.

Not everyone is desperate to get their hands on their parents cash. Perhaps they're assuming he won't die for years and so will have to wait 30 years for that anyway. Maybe tbey see a woman who makes their Dad happy and value that whilst respecting kicking an elderly lady out onto the street so they can carve up the assets isn't everyone's life goal

@GoodbyeKat

He’s done it twice as might just be scared of the third time, depending on why the other marriages ended. You need to ask him if he is looking to get married again, without him saying yes or no you will go round and round and round and never know for sure

You really haven't read the OP's posts have you? He's quite vocal about the fact he doesn't want to get married.

The kids may not be desperate for the cash but if it was me and I was embarking on a third marriage I’d like my kids to be taken care of before the newly-arrived spouse! The OP has her own money and her own daughter to leave it to.

OP
It could be the case his 2 divorces cost him a log of money and he doesn't want to risk another at his age
One option op is to use your money to buy into his house as tenants in common.

If you have the funds then 50/50 but if not whatever % you can afford.

That way you have some security. And it certainly derisks your partner as whether you want his money or not, marriage legally entitles you to it

I see the gold diggers are out in force.
Refreshing that the op is not one of them

I suspect he's simply being honest when he says that he's worried getting married might spoil what they've got. It's happened to him twice before. Getting married does change things. For the better sometimes. But in his experience, that's not been the case, whereas with OP it sounds like he wants to keep things in their current happy state. So while OP would see it as an upgrade in commitment terms, he could feel it's a jinx and all downhill after that, which could even be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So yes, there absolutely are many issues to consider around practicalities (medical decisions, buy-to-let investment etc) and deeper stuff (views on marriage, OP's parents/values etc), it seems like on the surface the issues are clear and both sides are switched on and communicating well, not masking financial agendas or power playing. It's just this one thing that they're coming at from very different angles. It will take some time and effort to sort out, but fundamentally, coming back to the question in the title, I think that a lot of what's been said means there's nothing to actually be worrying about. If that helps!