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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual assault - reported 'DH'

309 replies

Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 00:36

Need a handhold please - where do I go from here. Have posted before about DH sexually assaulting me whilst asleep - I've woken to it several times and once again tonight. I cannot take it anymore.... I am devastated that he's do this continually. I asked him to get out of the bed, he refused. I have moved to a spare room and reported online (called 101 but was on hold). I feel sick. Sick that he's done this again... sick that this will ruin his reaction ship with his DC but I cannot keep letting it happen. My DD thinks the world of him..... what do I do? How can I tear her world apart by taking her and moving out?

OP posts:
Ponkyandthebrain · 05/02/2022 20:47

The police will bail him to somewhere else with conditions not to contact you. You don’t have to leave your home.

Oh and for anyone saying don’t ring 999. Please please if you have just been raped then it is definitely a 999 call. You are not wasting anyones time. The holding times for 101 can be hours. I’m a senior detective and rape and sexual assault specialist so anyone telling you otherwise can wind their necks on.

Also while I’m on the subject the law requires men to have a reasonable belief that consent is given. It’s a positive act not an omission. So there should be a reason they think the other party is consenting for example through their words or actions. Someone not saying no (or being incapable of saying no because they’re unconscious) is not enough.

wildthingsinthenight · 05/02/2022 20:56

@slashlover

This seems to suggest that WorstXmasEver is male.
Oh that makes sense Confused
k1233 · 05/02/2022 21:20

@WorstXmasEver I think it's very clear the OP has withdrawn consent from sexual acts whilst she is sleeping. She has asked him multiple times not to do it.

Seeleyboo · 05/02/2022 21:57

Fucking men who feel they're entitled to use a womans body for their own sexual gratification boils my piss. I abused by my stepfather for 7 years. Raped over 800 times. Can you imagine. I was 5 when it started. All for his own needs. I have encountered other men too who feel they have rights over my body. I do not take any shit now. Please OP. End this now. Do not fall for any of his bullshit if he states he ia sorry etc let's try again bla bla. He is a rapist cunt. A serial one at that. Hugs you brave lady.

lavender2022 · 05/02/2022 23:17

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Nobody needs a rapist as a father OP. How do you know he won't try to rape her when she is older. Get her out now and don't even think of feeling guilty.
Couldn't have said it better myself. A rapist is a rapist.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2022 23:49

@Seeleyboo

I am so, so very sorry you went through that ThanksThanksThanks

Migrainesbythedozen · 06/02/2022 03:57

He really is a sexual predator, and a rapist. He raped you. That's what he did. He raped you. That's a crime. Is he still in custody? Do you have a father or brother who can come around if he tries to come home and force him out? Pack a bag of his clothes and things and make sure he knows he is not to return to the home. Ask the police if you can have the locks changed, considering he is now being charged with something and is a danger to you.

Also, I think DSD's mother needs to know about the situation, this means if he's in custody that your DSD doesn't need to come around (since she is coming around to spend time with her father).

Smackthepony · 06/02/2022 08:56

I feel so angry when I read threads like this. My ex used to do the same. I didn’t even view it as rape at the time. He used to say you are my wife, i pay for you, I’m entitled to sex with you when ever I want. I spent years waking up to him at it, or being late for work because he demanded it at the last minute and if I refused he made my life a misery. You have done a brave thing OP by getting the police involved. It takes guts to do what you’ve done but it absolutely IS the right thing to do. I hope more women will do the same now the law does take it seriously. I’m so sick of these grubby rapey men feeling entitled to do this. That boat has sailed for me OP and I’m so angry about it but you can look back knowing you took a stand. You did it for your dignity and your dd’s future. Flowers

StickerPlace · 06/02/2022 10:56

Have been thinking of you OP.

Also - surely the Covid is a reason for DSD not to visit this week?

lavender2022 · 06/02/2022 13:49

Have been thinking of you OP.

Likewise. How are you, OP? Please update us whenever you can. Thanks

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 06/02/2022 16:27

Thank you everyone. It has been a long sleepless night with unwell DD. DSD also lives here and has come home as is over 18 and will isolate as needed.

I am really grateful for everyone's advice, thank you. Just processing everything and didn't want to not respond. I am sorry for anyone going through anything similar and hope all the lovely support on here helps. Thanks

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 06/02/2022 16:41

Thanks for the update OP.
Best of luck to you 💐

blyn72 · 06/02/2022 17:11

Thanks from me too, flaming; I've been thinking about you and your situation. You are one brave woman.

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 06/02/2022 18:03

Honestly can't thank you all more. It's been so helpful to have everyone here especially yesterday so virtual massive hug to you all. Focused on DD and DSD today, who have been a delight. H is ... mortified, remorseful but has seen his girls. I am thankful for all the advice but I do want the girls to have their relationship with their dad and make their own choices/decisions when they're ready.

I will update, hope it helps others and really have found it a huge comfort to have you all hand hold through yesterday Daffodil

OP posts:
Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 06/02/2022 18:13

I'm afraid I've got a dreadful feeling that you are going to take your H back, because he is remorseful and mortified. (That'll have been because you involved the police.) I can't tell you what to do, but I do really hope you don't let him back in permanently, for sake of both you and your daughters. I really wish you would contact Women's Aid, as has been suggested numerous times on this thread.
I'm sorry, I don't want to attack you, I do understand how hard it is to remove yourself from a situation like this. Good luck!

Itsalmostanaccessory · 06/02/2022 18:19

OP, do you understand that he is a rapist?

Do you understand that he has done this over and over, knowing you have no consented, knowing you have told him No?

Do you understand that this is who he is. A rapist.

I'm really concerned that you think it was a little blip, a small mistake. Something you can get past and carry on.

He is a rapist. You dont get past this. You dont carry on with him.

Call women's aid. Get help.

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 06/02/2022 18:34

I came on to update and to send thanks as I didn't want anyone to think I hadn't read every single reply. I came on for a handhold and a space to discuss and share. I know not everyone will be agreed in everything apart from he did something wrong. I agree.

I haven't made any decisions. I got the police involved who supported me, brilliantly. I'm now trying to work through everything and calling my BF to talk through everything too (patient her) and do as much as I can to make sure my DDs are ok.

OP posts:
Mo1911 · 06/02/2022 18:40

Thank you so much for taking the time to update your situation. Although it's really none of our business I know that I'm not alone in thinking about you and wondering how you're all doing.

Your husband should be remorseful and mortified but unfortunately he didn't see it as a problem until you went to the police. It's this lack of insight, respect etc which is definitely a big worry. Is he remorseful because he's been told that it's wrong or because he actually "gets it". My bet is that it's unfortunately the first scenario but I might be wrong.

Hang in there 💞

BoodleBug51 · 06/02/2022 19:41

You're still in shock, OP, and no decisions need to be made immediately.

Please just accept that by letting him back into the home and your life, you're giving him the green light that this behaviour is OK and he will do it again. Be very certain of that.

You have to decide if you can live with that reality or not. I really wish you well Flowers

BurntO · 06/02/2022 20:05

Wishing you the best OP. It must be an impossible situation but you’re doing the right thing. Please don’t let this slide. Think about your daughter and think about the anger you would feel if she was with a partner who acted the same way towards her. Sadly many men can be aggressive and other men can be abusive but quietly, sometimes slimy and sometimes behind closed doors while holding up appearances. And they need to be held accountable.

MalbecandToast · 06/02/2022 20:50

Bloody well done OP for being so brave. I fully understand what you are going through and haven't been so brave myself SadBe kind to yourself, give yourself time to process and don't make any decisions now there is no rush.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 06/02/2022 20:55

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Original poster
Flamingjunior · 06/02/2022 21:08

Thanks nothing definitely what I came on here for. The way my DH has gone about over our sex life boundaries has fuck all to do with his relationship with his daughters. I have sat for the last 24 hours with the most brilliant police men and women to ensure that my daughters are safe because yes, I have thought maybe I'm so bloody confused about what I've been through I don't know what to do. My girls DD and SDS are as far as I can guarantee happy and most of all safe - they were always my priority.

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 06/02/2022 21:24

H is ... mortified, remorseful

Only because he's been questioned by the Police. Not because he raped you and attempted to rape you again when you were asleep. On multiple occasions.

Your daughter is not well. Adult step daughter is covid isolating. You fall into an exhausted sleep. Your husband then humiliates you sexually by raping you. It's the rape that turns him on. The power of sexual humiliation. But it's okay because he's mortified and remorseful now the Police have got involved.

He ignores you when you say no, but he can act 'mortified and remorseful' after Police involvement.

Being mortified and remorseful is not going to change his behaviour.

Where is your husband sleeping tonight ?

Is he really any better than a rapist who breaks into a woman's home and rapes her in her sleep ?

Does he think that sleeping in the same bed is the same as consent ?

You are never going to violate and humiliate him the way he violates and humiliates you.

timeisnotaline · 06/02/2022 21:26

Are people really sorry if they are only sorry after they’ve been arrested, not the multiple times they’ve been confronted in the past? I’d say not, personally. I’d call that regretting the consequences, and they thought you too much of a coward to cause consequences and that you would just put up with being raped.