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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual assault - reported 'DH'

309 replies

Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 00:36

Need a handhold please - where do I go from here. Have posted before about DH sexually assaulting me whilst asleep - I've woken to it several times and once again tonight. I cannot take it anymore.... I am devastated that he's do this continually. I asked him to get out of the bed, he refused. I have moved to a spare room and reported online (called 101 but was on hold). I feel sick. Sick that he's done this again... sick that this will ruin his reaction ship with his DC but I cannot keep letting it happen. My DD thinks the world of him..... what do I do? How can I tear her world apart by taking her and moving out?

OP posts:
crazyjinglist · 05/02/2022 15:03

You are a very brave woman, and you have done nothing wrong. You have not ruined anything. The fall-out from this is 100% your husband's fault. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong mother who will teacher to have good boundaries and self-esteem.

LaPufalina · 05/02/2022 15:05

You're inspirational, OP.
Must be terrifying to go to sleep and not feel safe Sad all power to you for reporting.

Original poster
Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 15:08

I'm so sorry to hear of others going through this and some sound awful, I'm so sorry. I haven't heard anything at all. It's all so sudden and I am aware I need a wake up call, reporting it finally was that and I cannot thank the police enough for following up. My concern at the moment is my dd having covid and likely me too - I feel hideous today but no idea if covid or the generally shit situation. I want my dd to have her bed and I don't want to risk my mum or BF. I will see what the police say when they call. It's an added fucking mess that his DSD is here tomorrow and I know I am not here to protect him but I will protect her as far as I can.

Thank you again and thank you for that article - apologies can't tag the pp. what a horrible reality.

OP posts:
ChocAH0l1kk2 · 05/02/2022 15:10

Forgot to add

When you are asleep, that should be your safe place

duvetdayforeveryone · 05/02/2022 15:17

@Flamingjunior

I'm so sorry to hear of others going through this and some sound awful, I'm so sorry. I haven't heard anything at all. It's all so sudden and I am aware I need a wake up call, reporting it finally was that and I cannot thank the police enough for following up. My concern at the moment is my dd having covid and likely me too - I feel hideous today but no idea if covid or the generally shit situation. I want my dd to have her bed and I don't want to risk my mum or BF. I will see what the police say when they call. It's an added fucking mess that his DSD is here tomorrow and I know I am not here to protect him but I will protect her as far as I can.

Thank you again and thank you for that article - apologies can't tag the pp. what a horrible reality.

Can you call and cancel DSD coming over on the grounds your daughter has covid?
mommatoone · 05/02/2022 15:19

OP - I would think if they release you dp he will be subject to bail conditions- not to contact you and he will have to provide an alternative address to reside. So please dont worry about him returning home. You have done a very brave thing dont forget that. Look after yourself and your little one. Big hugs x

IncompleteSenten · 05/02/2022 15:27

If she's said stop?
Is that a joke?

So the default is that he has the right to use the OPs body when he wants to regardless of her state of consciousness and the onus is on her to tell him she doesn't want him to use her sleeping body for sex.

Jesus wept.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2022 15:29

@WorstXmasEver

If the op has said to stop then it's rape I agree.
You need to step away from the thread and educate yourself on consent as your contributions are not just misinformed but potentially dangerous to victims. Seriously.
forlornlorna · 05/02/2022 15:29

You've been so brave.

It's been 25 years since my then dh did this to me. Things were different then and no one except my gp who I confided in could see how wrong it was. I left with my kids. Few years ago his new wife left him for the same thing. I wish I'd firstly been brave enough to press charges and that it would be taken as seriously as it is today. I've never been able to tell anyone properly as I feel ashamed and confused by it still.

You've probably saved another woman from going through this in the future.

Oddbobbyboo · 05/02/2022 15:39

You are so brave and what a phenomenal mother you are! I know you feel sad for your daughter at the moment but you have shown her so much good x I have two teenage daughters and they both have wonderful respectful relationships with their partners because I put a stop to their fathers behaviour. They were 1 and 6 at the time. Discussions regarding consent came as they grew older and me being honest really helped them see their worth… well they were actually horrified by their fathers behaviour. I found out shortly after my divorce that his first wife experienced the same. The police were amazing and gave me so much support. I remember the day as if it were yesterday…. This huge blow up in my life…. His parents accusing me of being dramatic… my own mum wasn’t exactly great either. Do turn to your friends… it’s rape… I promise you x you will be fine x

SeasonFinale · 05/02/2022 15:39

Yes I think I would be minded to cancel the DSD visit too.

Hope all is OK OP. What do you want to happen when the police release him which they well might? Is your BF on hand to comenover should you need her to as I assume you will be wanting him to leave.

However I also get the impression that if he were to stop doing this and understand it is rape then you may let him remain Confused

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 05/02/2022 15:45

@Flamingjunior - I am sorry you are feeling terrible but you have definitely done the right thing both for yourself and your daughter. Just to say, I think it would only be sensible to cancel your DSD's visit tomorrow because of Covid in the house. I hope you recover quickly from your illness.
Given other women's experiences above, I am wondering whether the mother of your DSD suffered the same behaviour from him as you have done and that was why they split up?

IWishIWasABaller · 05/02/2022 15:48

You are so so brave op Flowers

Inthesameboatatmo · 05/02/2022 15:49

Well done op ,it needed doing ASAP.
I remember your post about it.
Good luck stay strong you've got this x

mamas12 · 05/02/2022 15:54

Well done you
I’m so sorry you’re going through this
Cancel the dsd less stress for you your dad and her as she will pick up on tensions
Look after yourself

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 16:00

Definitely cancel his daughter coming.

Mind yourself.Flowers

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/02/2022 16:01

I agree, cancel the DSD.
You’ve got enough to worry about right now 💐

BoodleBug51 · 05/02/2022 16:02

You've absolutely done the right thing.

He caused this, not you. And deserves to feel the consequences of his actions.

Stay strong.

MzHz · 05/02/2022 16:03

Do you have contact with DSD mum? Could you tell her? I’m guessing she’ll believe you because I bet he did it with her too.

Your dd will grow up leaning that she doesn’t have to put up with this because you’re showing her you’re worth more than a receptacle

UniversalAunt · 05/02/2022 16:06

@Flamingjunior You have done the right thing for yourself & for your daughter. You are brave & courageous.

No matter what the coming days & months bring, you have made a bold step forward into the light.

BobHadBitchTits · 05/02/2022 16:20

You are under no obligation to have his daughter (I mean your step daughter, obviously). Take some time to process what has happened.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/02/2022 16:22

If you can't face seeing your SD then contact her DM and use the Covid as an excuse if you can't bring yourself to tell her the real reason. I'd actually tell her DM what's happened- he may have done this to her too.

I'm so sorry you've had to put up with his shitty behaviour and so glad you've found the courage to report him to the police. If the police say they've released him then put your key in the lock and turn it slightly, that way he can't get in.

daretodenim · 05/02/2022 16:30

Well done OP.

Can you call his ex? DSD can't arrive to this and you can't have her if you've got covid.

Alicenwonderland · 05/02/2022 16:30

Huge hugs OP. You are incredibly brave and strong. This is not your fault. Please seek support from Womens aid, they will help you with what you can do now and also give amazing advice. Lots of these men can turn nasty once you end things and I'd be a little concerned yours may be like this too. Your and your daughter's safety is absolutely paramount.

Cakeandcardio · 05/02/2022 16:37

Good luck to you OP. You are incredibly strong and brave. Well done for doing the best thing you can for you and your daughter. Stay strong, even when things get tough. You deserve so much more than this.

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