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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual assault - reported 'DH'

309 replies

Flamingjunior · 05/02/2022 00:36

Need a handhold please - where do I go from here. Have posted before about DH sexually assaulting me whilst asleep - I've woken to it several times and once again tonight. I cannot take it anymore.... I am devastated that he's do this continually. I asked him to get out of the bed, he refused. I have moved to a spare room and reported online (called 101 but was on hold). I feel sick. Sick that he's done this again... sick that this will ruin his reaction ship with his DC but I cannot keep letting it happen. My DD thinks the world of him..... what do I do? How can I tear her world apart by taking her and moving out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingjunior · 06/02/2022 21:32

Not to do with my DD and DSD though, I'm not justifying any of his behaviour but please don't make comments about me putting DD or DSD at risk. It's always been about them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingjunior · 06/02/2022 21:33

And again, thank you to all the wonderful posters who have offered advice and been supportive through this.

OP posts:
Devilmakes3 · 06/02/2022 21:52

Flaming you are doing amazing in an impossible situation but be massively aware that the absolute default human reaction to these types of situations is to flip the switch to minimising and denial. It is so hard to face into the enormity that the human psyche tries to push it down instead of reacting but in every way you deserve better than this man and his unbelievably appalling behaviour.

billy1966 · 06/02/2022 21:53

OP,

His mortification is because despite asking him many, many times not to rape you, he continued to do so.

But your reporting his raping you to the police has shone a public light on his behaviour, THAT has surprised him.

His mortification is because he knows well he was raping you, and he can't believe you went to the police.

His mortification is because the police NOW KNOW.

His mortification is because he is terrified you will go ahead with this.

His mortification is because he is terrified people will know what YOU know......that he is a serial rapist of his wife.

He's mortified?
Nope.

He's frightened more like, for HIMSELF.

Not for you.

Absolutely not.

The poor woman who was asking him not to rape her in her sleep.

Who asked him so many times, but whom he continued to rape.

Oh he's not mortified, he's afraid. VERY AFRAID.

That you would think that a man who believes he has a right to repeatedly rape his wife is fit to be around two little girls is very sad.

He is a very bad man.

A criminal.

You can talk yourself down OP, but don't think for a second you will ever feel safe with him.

Well done for telling the police.

A man who would repeatedly rape his wife, and mother of his child while she sleeps is a man capable of anything.

He is the personification of a sexual predator and male entitlement.

Protect yourself and your daughter.
Tell the mother of your step daughter what her Ex has done.

Wouldn't YOU want to know if you were her?

Flowers
Original poster
Flamingjunior · 06/02/2022 22:49

His mortification is because despite asking him many, many times not to rape you, he continued to do so. Not many but yes

But your reporting his raping you to the police has shone a public light on his behaviour, THAT has surprised him.Which is why I did. He wouldnt listen to me

His mortification is because he knows well he was raping you, and he can't believe you went to the police.* Yes*

His mortification is because the police NOW KNOW.* Yes, why i went to the police and sat through many hours with them.*

His mortification is because he is terrified you will go ahead with this.

His mortification is because he is terrified people will know what YOU know......that he is a serial rapist of his wife.**

He's mortified?
Nope.

He's frightened more like, for HIMSELF.

Not for you.

Absolutely not.

The poor woman who was asking him not to rape her in her sleep.

Who asked him so many times, but whom he continued to rape.

Oh he's not mortified, he's afraid. VERY AFRAID.* Not for me. I want him to know what he has done is wrong. I've always wanted to make sure his girls are safe and anyone else.*

That you would think that a man who believes he has a right to repeatedly rape his wife is fit to be around two little girls is very sad.

He is a very bad man.

A criminal.

You can talk yourself down OP, but don't think for a second you will ever feel safe with him.

Well done for telling the police.

A man who would repeatedly rape his wife, and mother of his child while she sleeps is a man capable of anything.

He is the personification of a sexual predator and male entitlement.

Protect yourself and your daughter.
Tell the mother of your step daughter what her Ex has done.

Wouldn't YOU want to know if you were her?

Big* jump - his behaviour last 4-5
Years is awful. I've been with him 20 years. I'm NOT excusing a thing he has done to me. I also know, love and protect my kids. He wasn't this person for 15/20 years.*

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/02/2022 23:07

But he is NOW.

And the mother of his other child should know the man he is.

This is all on HIM.

He has made these choices.

You have tolerated being raped on and off for 4/5 years.

You are very, very brave.

He doesn't deserve you.
He doesn't deserve to be near his children.

Think about how you would feel if this was your daughter.
Would you want her and her child with him?

You sound like a very loving mother.

Be loving and kind to yourself here.
You deserve more than this awful excuse of a man.
Flowers

JamieNorthlife · 06/02/2022 23:10

OP, you are very brave and have done the right thing to protect yourself and your DDs.

Flowers
Original poster
Flamingjunior · 06/02/2022 23:23

Thank you. I'm making Plans to move out, and keep things as level headed as I can for the girls. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all but I will take my time to make sure we're
All ok. We are all in separate rooms thank you to everyone for supporting me x

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 01:12

How mortified & remorseful was H all the others times he raped or sexually assaulted you?

iirc, he tells you you are over reactive & too sensitive if you complain to him without police back up, doesn't he?

But now he's be rightfully carted off by the police, he suddenly finds access to remorse?

He will find a way to punish you for reporting OP.
Because he's not remorseful.
He's a grown man - he knew it was wrong before you rightfully involved the police.
Didn't stop him doing it again, & again & again, did it?

ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 01:14

Of course you have to manage this at your own pace OP.
But please keep your guard up.

Houseofvelour · 07/02/2022 01:28

If you haven't already, please put a bolt lock on your bedroom door so he can't get in.
Stay safe x

Migrainesbythedozen · 07/02/2022 03:09

@Flamingjunior

Thank you. I'm making Plans to move out, and keep things as level headed as I can for the girls. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all but I will take my time to make sure we're All ok. We are all in separate rooms thank you to everyone for supporting me x
@Flamingjunior We are all in separate rooms

You mean, you let him back in the house? ????

billy1966 · 07/02/2022 07:58

Why does he get to come home from the police station?

Surely they would tell him go elsewhere.

notapizzaeater · 07/02/2022 08:16

@Houseofvelour

If you haven't already, please put a bolt lock on your bedroom door so he can't get in. Stay safe x
This 1000%.

You will have to sleep at some point and you know what he's capable of.

Dillidilly · 07/02/2022 08:22

@Flamingjunior, I understand you are in shock, and you were so brave to call the police.
But please, please don't let this rapist stay in your home.
You say you are all in separate rooms, but what's to stop him coming into your room? Or your DDs? Or your DSDs?
Please don't say he's a 'good dad', because good dads don't rape the mother of their child.
You also can't possibly guarantee he won't decide to assault either of your daughters.

BoodleBug51 · 07/02/2022 09:17

Oh OP, now you've said he's back home I feel really worried for you.

He's likely to be very very angry underneath all this "remorse".

Itsalmostanaccessory · 07/02/2022 10:09

Of course he is back home. OP just wants them to move past this now that someone else has told him off. There was no intention of actually leaving him.
Another woman living with abuse as if it is normal.

Namechangehereandnow · 07/02/2022 10:31

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Of course he is back home. OP just wants them to move past this now that someone else has told him off. There was no intention of actually leaving him. Another woman living with abuse as if it is normal.
I fear you are correct 😔

OP, please go back and read all of your own posts - it will remind you of your feelings, how you know this is wrong, how you don’t want it to happen, how you know it shouldn’t happen, most importantly, you’ve said you hope no man ever treats your dd’s like this. If you don’t want your dd’s treated in this way, DON’T let yourself be treated in this way.

If it were me, he’d be out immediately. You shouldn’t be going anywhere, having to uproot, find space for your daughter, he’s in the wrong, make him go!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/02/2022 10:59

It's so easy to make pronouncements on what other people should do in their lives. OP has made a big step forward, we should keep encouraging without tipping over into hectoring or judging. IMO.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2022 11:08

Op if you've been with him for 20 years how old is his DSD?

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 07/02/2022 11:27

@SleepingStandingUp

Op if you've been with him for 20 years how old is his DSD?
@SleepingStandingUp she said yesterday that DSD is over 18 so I would assume she is early 20's?
wildthingsinthenight · 07/02/2022 11:28

I think OP said 23

Namechangehereandnow · 07/02/2022 11:45

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

It's so easy to make pronouncements on what other people should do in their lives. OP has made a big step forward, we should keep encouraging without tipping over into hectoring or judging. IMO.
That’s not what’s happening … OP has said I'm sick of it, I've told him it's wrong and he doesn't listen. I don't want a marriage like that and if I hadn't reported it and left, he'd make sure I thought it was all in my head and my fault. - she’s also said how horrible it makes her feel, how she doesn’t want men treating her own dd this way, in all of her posts you can hear her turmoil, her disgust at him, her want for it to stop, it’s heartbreaking. However now he’s home it’s easy for him to manipulate her and interrupt/corrupt her way of thinking. Reminding her here of how bad she felt/feels, is no bad thing if it helps her stay strong.
SazCat · 07/02/2022 12:03

@SleepingStandingUp

Op if you've been with him for 20 years how old is his DSD?
OP said earlier that she was over 18 and lives with them
DreamerSeven · 07/02/2022 12:11

Please be very careful, he’s already shown you, repeatedly, that he’s prepared to abuse you when you’re asleep, when you’re arguably at your very most vulnerable.