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Original poster

Sex with husband makes me feel upset

135 replies

treasure47 · 03/02/2022 14:36

Has anyone experienced this? He's not forceful or pressuring at all but I think deep down it just doesn't feel right to me. We're going through a tough time at the moment (possible upcoming separation) and there are other issues but I find that this plays on my mind a lot. I think deep down this feeling has always been there to some extent but I've pushed it down and ignored it. I think I always assumed I just wasn't that sexual a person but I'm not really sure if that's true. I feel like I have to force myself to do anything sexual with him. For context we've been together for a long time and he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

OP posts:
itwasntaparty · 03/02/2022 14:39

You don't want to be with him op.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2022 14:40

@itwasntaparty

You don't want to be with him op.
This. Sorry.
nettytree · 03/02/2022 14:44

Are either of you normally affectionate outside the bedroom? I don't think I could have sex with someone who wasn't. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 14:45

I think you're right. I think what I'm struggling with is I'm questioning have I really repressed my emotions so much over the years (in which case I feel like a terrible person), or is this just a case of growing and changing/individual wants and needs are different. I know only I can answer that though!

OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 14:47

@nettytree

Are either of you normally affectionate outside the bedroom? I don't think I could have sex with someone who wasn't. It would be a deal breaker for me.
We used to be (although I'd say he's always been more so than me) but just recently we haven't because I just haven't felt like being that way and don't want to force anything. For me it's always been affectionate in a cuddly kind of way, I've never had strong sexual urges towards him the way he has towards me.
OP posts:
Whatadayyyy · 03/02/2022 14:49

Not right at all, sex should be an enjoyable experience. Trust your gut. Sounds like you have the ick, which is incredibly hard to come back from

Ionlydomassiveones · 03/02/2022 14:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 14:55

@Whatadayyyy

Not right at all, sex should be an enjoyable experience. Trust your gut. Sounds like you have the ick, which is incredibly hard to come back from
Yeah I definitely think I have the ick!
OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 14:55

@Ionlydomassiveones

If you’re facing separation and you feel that you have to ‘force yourself’ to have sex then you have clearly disconnected emotionally. Sex should be fun, happy and orgasmic. If it’s not - then don’t do it. This is not the 18th century where you owe a duty to service your husband.
Very good point! It does feel like a duty, and I think I was always okay with that sadly. But obviously something like that isn't easy to sustain.
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 03/02/2022 14:57

It's quite striking to me that you've said you're on the point of separation yet you're still having sex. If I was on the point of breaking up with my husband sex would be the last thing on my mind. When I split up with my exH we didn't sleep together for about four months between the point where our relationship really deteriorated and when he moved out.

You certainly should not be feeling upset about the prospect of having sex with him. This is not a good sign and not something to paper over.

You don't say what it is which has caused the thoughts of separation and whether its instigated by you or by him. Would that shed any light on it?

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 14:58

What happens when you say ‘no’?

feelsobadfeltsogood · 03/02/2022 15:01

@treasure47

I could have written this I really could
We've been together 10 years, 2 kids basically we live together to co-parent

I have a Fwb (prepared to be shot down) I thought it was me with the sex thing youngest is nearly 4 we've not slept together since we conceived and we sleep in separate rooms so it's not like I have a sexual relationship with the father of my kids

My Fwb made me realise we'd drifted apart and sexually arent compatible but he's an amazing dad and if he was doing the same I really wouldn't mind

Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 15:01

@thepeopleversuswork

It's quite striking to me that you've said you're on the point of separation yet you're still having sex. If I was on the point of breaking up with my husband sex would be the last thing on my mind. When I split up with my exH we didn't sleep together for about four months between the point where our relationship really deteriorated and when he moved out.

You certainly should not be feeling upset about the prospect of having sex with him. This is not a good sign and not something to paper over.

You don't say what it is which has caused the thoughts of separation and whether its instigated by you or by him. Would that shed any light on it?

We haven't had sex for a while but I've done things (for his benefit because I felt pressured to basically). It's me that's unhappy in the relationship, he's as in love with me as he's ever been. Nothing specific has happened, I just feel like we've grown apart (from my side at least). We've been together since we were 18. We have a young child and I think that plus the way the world has been the last couple of years have changed me. I kind of feel like I've outgrown the relationship and like I'm just going through the motions.
OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 15:03

@MeSanniesareBrannies

What happens when you say ‘no’?
He's never put pressure on me (apart from with a specific thing that's hard to explain and even then I think he isn't necessarily meaning to put pressure on me. It must be difficult for him when he has feelings but they're not reciprocated).
OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 15:05

[quote feelsobadfeltsogood]@treasure47

I could have written this I really could
We've been together 10 years, 2 kids basically we live together to co-parent

I have a Fwb (prepared to be shot down) I thought it was me with the sex thing youngest is nearly 4 we've not slept together since we conceived and we sleep in separate rooms so it's not like I have a sexual relationship with the father of my kids

My Fwb made me realise we'd drifted apart and sexually arent compatible but he's an amazing dad and if he was doing the same I really wouldn't mind [/quote]
Does your partner feel the same?

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 03/02/2022 15:20

Ah, you're seeing someone else. That'll be it then.

You are having sex with another man, you are no longer attracted to your husband.

Your marriage is in crisis: you need to figure out if its worth saving or whether its time to end it, but you need to ditch the FWB because this is massively clouding it.

It's not fair to your husband to try to keep him vaguely sweet while you shag another man. Whether or not your want to try to save your marriage, you owe him that.

Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 15:22

@thepeopleversuswork

Ah, you're seeing someone else. That'll be it then.

You are having sex with another man, you are no longer attracted to your husband.

Your marriage is in crisis: you need to figure out if its worth saving or whether its time to end it, but you need to ditch the FWB because this is massively clouding it.

It's not fair to your husband to try to keep him vaguely sweet while you shag another man. Whether or not your want to try to save your marriage, you owe him that.

Erm... wow. I am not seeing somebody else.
OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 15:24

Do you get turned on by other people or by sexy films/books ?

Original poster
treasure47 · 03/02/2022 15:25

@thepeopleversuswork

Ah, you're seeing someone else. That'll be it then.

You are having sex with another man, you are no longer attracted to your husband.

Your marriage is in crisis: you need to figure out if its worth saving or whether its time to end it, but you need to ditch the FWB because this is massively clouding it.

It's not fair to your husband to try to keep him vaguely sweet while you shag another man. Whether or not your want to try to save your marriage, you owe him that.

Don't know if you confused someone else's reply with mine or if you made an assumption there?
OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/02/2022 15:26

@thepeopleversuswork you've got OP mixed up with a person who has commented. She is the one with the fwb (affair) and NOT the OP. You need to apologise for that really

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 15:27

If sex with him makes you feel bad and you’re looking at separating, then stop having sex with him. I’m sorry if this seems blunt, but you’re basically torturing yourself for no reason. If he ‘feels bad’ about it, then that’s unfortunate for him, but your orifices are not his pacifier. He will survive.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2022 15:32

I've never had strong sexual urges towards him the way he has towards me.

You really need to split up. You can't have sad, shit sex for the rest of your life. Sad

Have you ever felt the proper rush of sexual attraction for anyone?

thepeopleversuswork · 03/02/2022 15:33

[quote teaandtoastwithmarmite]@thepeopleversuswork you've got OP mixed up with a person who has commented. She is the one with the fwb (affair) and NOT the OP. You need to apologise for that really [/quote]
Sorry, my bad.

You do need to split up with your husband though.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 03/02/2022 15:52

Hmmm. I think there are two things going on here: 1) any genuine feeling you may have had for him has been poisoned by "obligatory" sex because of your ideas around needing to service a man;
2) I'm wondering about what your own actual sexuality is like. Have you ever felt strongly about someone sexually? Got turned on watching sexy content? Do you wank? Are you definitely oriented to men?

Thirtytimesround · 03/02/2022 15:54

OP the problem is you don’t fancy your husband or want to be with him anymore. It isn’t for me to tell you if that means the marriage is dead, or if for example you’re depressed and feeling like nothing is fun anymore and you have no real desire to do anything. Or even if you’re peri-menopausal and changing hormones have killed your sex drive.

Maybe read some erotica / fantasise etc, and work out if the problem is that you don’t want sex with your husband, or you don’t want sex at all. The first option means the marriage is dead, but with the second option it might be salvageable with counselling / hormonal supplements.

And to answer your question post-sex sadness is very common, have a google.