Sex with husband makes me feel upset

[treasure47]

Has anyone experienced this? He's not forceful or pressuring at all but I think deep down it just doesn't feel right to me. We're going through a tough time at the moment (possible upcoming separation) and there are other issues but I find that this plays on my mind a lot. I think deep down this feeling has always been there to some extent but I've pushed it down and ignored it. I think I always assumed I just wasn't that sexual a person but I'm not really sure if that's true. I feel like I have to force myself to do anything sexual with him. For context we've been together for a long time and he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

@NorthGirlie

My husband was a good man too. I just knew ‘the feeling’ wasn’t there. And, I certainly wasn’t turned on by him.

Have you found love since? Or found your own happiness if not?

@daisychain01

OP could you consider counselling (just for you) to get some support in

1. Becoming empowered to only look after your own feelings and not feel responsible for the happiness of another human being.

1. Being able to move forward with your plan, whatever that is, hopefully to move forward with the separation, so you can go on to live a fulfilling life where you don't need to feel forced into a physical relationship out of duty.

Counselling is definitely something I've considered. Talking helps and at times I've felt like I have nobody to turn to because everyone around me is in some way involved/affected. Talking about it on here feels like a form of therapy though! 😅

@AgentJohnson

My Fwb made me realise we'd drifted apart and sexually arent compatible but he's an amazing dad and if he was doing the same I really wouldn't mind.

How about giving him the opportunity to not mind instead of you using it as permission to lie to him.

Everything about your post is about you and shows a complete lack of respect for your partner.

That was a reply to my post, not something I'd said.

@AdamRyan

We haven't had sex for a while but I've done things (for his benefit because I felt pressured to basically). This is concerning me. Plus a lot of your posts come across to me that you feel he's more than you deserve. I wonder if there's a dynamic to your relationship where he's guilt tripped you into sacrificing your own wants and needs for his. That can be very subtle and its corrosive too, as basically your subconscious will try to alert you that it's damaging. That could be why you don't want sex.

I might be barking totally up the wrong tree, but I think if any of that rings bells, it's probably worth some counselling to try to uncover what's going on.

I'm not sure if anything like that has happened although I have realised he does enjoy being in control and can perhaps be subtly controlling at times. The pressure thing is hard to explain, it's not something he was doing intentionally (putting pressure on me) but it did. And I also put a lot of pressure on myself

@ravenmum

he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa My exh was my first; he was slightly more experienced, so although I enjoyed sex, I always thought of myself as less "good in bed" somehow, and thought that that was why I didn't like more than a couple of positions. After we broke up, like a pp, I went for a couple of super-unsuitable men, and discovered that in fact, I'm great in bed, my exh was much less experienced than I had thought, and if someone is generous with foreplay, there are loads of positions I love. And this is well beyond my 30s! Still with the last unsuitable man :)

I kick myself for not realising sooner that things weren't fully right
You know how you look at your child and feel loving and forgiving when they make a mistake, because you know they are young and it's normal? Try thinking of yourself when you were younger (or even now) from the same perspective: imagine putting an arm around yourself, giving yourself a cuddle, and saying that it's OK.

That last part made me tear up 😢 thank you for your reply. A lot of what you said sounds familiar. I think I've gotten used to things being a certain way and thinking that's just what it's like or at least that's just what I'm like, but deep down I think it's possible that's not right. I've definitely learnt a lot about myself in the last few years

@AdamRyan

We haven't had sex for a while but I've done things (for his benefit because I felt pressured to basically). This is concerning me. Plus a lot of your posts come across to me that you feel he's more than you deserve. I wonder if there's a dynamic to your relationship where he's guilt tripped you into sacrificing your own wants and needs for his. That can be very subtle and its corrosive too, as basically your subconscious will try to alert you that it's damaging. That could be why you don't want sex.

I might be barking totally up the wrong tree, but I think if any of that rings bells, it's probably worth some counselling to try to uncover what's going on.

Just read this again and I actually do think that has been happening a bit recently. It's a bit out of character though and I'm not sure if he's just struggling to accept things so that could be causing it. I do let guilt affect me a lot

@treasure47
I am in almost the same position! DH is the only man I've ever slept with, been together 20+ years, sex has never been earth shattering and I've always gone along with it as "that's what people do".

We are at a massive crossroads of trying again/or separating at the moment.

I convinced myself that I was not a sexual person and could totally live without it. Somebody recently came into my life and boy was I wrong. The feelings I have for him are crazy....stupidly we met up once and I now know that I can't live without that chemistry and passion. I've now done the correct thing and stopped all contact but it has really opened my eyes.

I'm in my 40's and feel if I stay in my marriage I'll never experience what it's like to have that amazing, mind blowing sex you hear so many people talk about. It's so difficult.
I'll feel so guilty to break up my family for that reason alone, but there are some others too.

@donesomethingterrible
Same here. I lacked sexual experience and my husband was the only man I’d slept with. I never enjoyed it. He was pretty bad tbh and lacked passion. Like you, another man changed things and I realised how much burning passion and desire I had inside me. I realised I hadn’t been attracted to my husband (there was a ten year age gap which didn’t help). I realised what I had missed out on living in a 20+ year marriage that I was keeping together to suit others.

I ended my marriage. Had to.

[quote donesomethingterrible]@treasure47
I am in almost the same position! DH is the only man I've ever slept with, been together 20+ years, sex has never been earth shattering and I've always gone along with it as "that's what people do".

We are at a massive crossroads of trying again/or separating at the moment.

I convinced myself that I was not a sexual person and could totally live without it. Somebody recently came into my life and boy was I wrong. The feelings I have for him are crazy....stupidly we met up once and I now know that I can't live without that chemistry and passion. I've now done the correct thing and stopped all contact but it has really opened my eyes.

I'm in my 40's and feel if I stay in my marriage I'll never experience what it's like to have that amazing, mind blowing sex you hear so many people talk about. It's so difficult.
I'll feel so guilty to break up my family for that reason alone, but there are some others too. [/quote]
I've definitely "gone along with it" too and I always used to feel that o was okay with that but I know that there's always been a niggle at the back of my mind that it isn't right. A crossroads is how I feel too but I've felt like that for over a year and the indecisive state is really starting to get on top of me so I think I need to take action now.
Do you know what you're going to do?

There have been times sex has felt like a duty. After doing it I'd think "won't have to do that for a little while again" (we didn't really have sex that often and I'd worry about that and think it wasn't "normal" but I also wasn't bothered about having it more!) I realise now that's an awful thing to think about something that should be so intimate and special. There were times I enjoyed it but was less often and was probably when I was feeling more "in the mood". I did feel like I had to sort of take control of the situation to get much out of it though.

Btw I know sex isn't the most important thing and that's probably how I've always justified things to myself but I've realised that intimacy/connection/attraction are what make a romantic relationship different from any other! Without those things it's a friendship basically

My daughter is in her 20s and still with her first boyfriend, and obviously it's none of my business, but part of me is a bit sad she hasn't had more experience - the bf seems great, but experience of different partners is helpful in many ways, not just in bed. That's the trouble when you meet someone you get on with well early on. And she's hardly going to listen to any advice along the lines of "try out more men!"

Even if you do have great sex, things can still go sour or become dull, of course.

Reading between the lines though, OP, it's far from just being about sex, isn't it? Becoming a parent can shed new light on a relationship and on your own character in many ways.

it's not something he was doing intentionally
Is that what he says when you complain about him being inconsiderate?

@ravenmum

My daughter is in her 20s and still with her first boyfriend, and obviously it's none of my business, but part of me is a bit sad she hasn't had more experience - the bf seems great, but experience of different partners is helpful in many ways, not just in bed. That's the trouble when you meet someone you get on with well early on. And she's hardly going to listen to any advice along the lines of "try out more men!"

Even if you do have great sex, things can still go sour or become dull, of course.

Reading between the lines though, OP, it's far from just being about sex, isn't it? Becoming a parent can shed new light on a relationship and on your own character in many ways.

it's not something he was doing intentionally
Is that what he says when you complain about him being inconsiderate?

My mum was always so happy that I'd found someone and was settled, probably because she'd had bad luck in her relationships and I think there's a subconscious part of me that did want to make her proud. Having a child has definitely changed me, something my husband just can't understand which makes me feel guilty and then I sort of just think am I being silly? But I know I need to acknowledge my feelings and can't brush them away all the time. It is about more than sex. I don't feel like I want to spend time with him particularly, I just feel like we have different interests and a lot of the time I'd rather be on my own. There isn't a connection there anymore. I also feel guilt because I know he feels strongly towards me and I can't give that back to him, without forcing/faking it. I know it's not fair to him and I want him to be happy. I think he could find someone much more suited to him and I want that for him. Unfortunately in not wanting to hurt him I think I'm hurting him anyway.

@ravenmum Even if you do have great sex, things can still go sour or become dull, of course.
They certainly can. I married my first serious boyfriend and we always had great sex until we didn't.

We were together over a decade, things slowly got words after our first, I remember clearly thinking on our third's first Christmas, I can't take this anymore and then he told me he didn't think he loved me and I did the pick me dance even without another woman involved. Hung on way to long, thinking I could fix things, because we once loved each other so much. I did the having sex I didn't want to have OP and it destroyed my self worth. He'd go to sleep and I'd go and watch TV and cry. When I couldn't take it anymore he got angry and aggressive. Still here, trying to find the strength to leave. Don't stay hoping it gets better. I kept thinking I could fix things if I could reach him. I wish I'd kept going the first time I tried to leave, could have saved us all a bad 3 years.

When a relationship comes to an end it is always going to be sad. My exh was far less kind and respectful about it than you are being, OP, and it hurt me a lot, but in the end I have come out of it happier.

You really need to leave him. You’ll end up feeling resentful in time. And, believe me, when you have sex with a man you are passionate about the earth moves!!

@treasure47

I've definitely "gone along with it" too and I always used to feel that o was okay with that but I know that there's always been a niggle at the back of my mind that it isn't right. A crossroads is how I feel too but I've felt like that for over a year and the indecisive state is really starting to get on top of me so I think I need to take action now.
Do you know what you're going to do?

We have such similar thoughts and it's really a sad way to live isn't it. I have been in that indecisive state since DD was born 10 years ago if I'm honest with myself.
This morning I thought that's it, we're over. This evening I'm doubting it again.
Part of me thinks I could easily end up alone and never have sex again anyway so never feel the passion I recently discovered.
The other part of me knows it's wrong to stay with someone for fear of being alone. Plus you always have people telling you that the grass isn't always greener 😞.

[quote donesomethingterrible]@treasure47

I've definitely "gone along with it" too and I always used to feel that o was okay with that but I know that there's always been a niggle at the back of my mind that it isn't right. A crossroads is how I feel too but I've felt like that for over a year and the indecisive state is really starting to get on top of me so I think I need to take action now.
Do you know what you're going to do?

We have such similar thoughts and it's really a sad way to live isn't it. I have been in that indecisive state since DD was born 10 years ago if I'm honest with myself.
This morning I thought that's it, we're over. This evening I'm doubting it again.
Part of me thinks I could easily end up alone and never have sex again anyway so never feel the passion I recently discovered.
The other part of me knows it's wrong to stay with someone for fear of being alone. Plus you always have people telling you that the grass isn't always greener 😞.[/quote]
10 years is a long time to feel like that! It must be really getting you down. I'm exactly the same, I convince myself I'm going to do it and leave and then when it comes to the conversation I end up feeling too guilty or scared so I back out and think I'll just keep trying to feel different. I've told myself over and over that I either need to leave or just forget about that being an option and get on with things but it feels like I can't do either!
The grass is greener comment is one I've had before too but it kind of annoys me a bit tbh. Although it is possible that you don't realise what you've got til it's gone you could also experience it the other way and realise things weren't all that good anyway! I think it's easy for people not in the relationship to say that. I think a lot of people look at mine and think it's perfect but nobody really knows the details apart from the 2 of you. My husband sometimes says really nice and loving things about me and atm it just makes me jealous because I wish I felt like that back. It almost feels a bit unfair that I don't feel that way because I want to.
Basically it's a risk and I'm not usually the sort of person who takes risks 😅

I’m in a very similar position to you. I’ve realised through therapy that being turned off by my H is a symptom of other problems in our relationship which I had not even realised were an issue before. I always thought that we simply had differing sex drives. He has even packed me off to the GP to get my hormones checked a few times, as there ‘must be something wrong with me’ but I know deep down there is nothing wrong with my sex drive. I’ve also been subtly coerced into having sex with him (he huffs, puffs, sulks and ‘struggles to sleep’ if he doesn’t get it regularly). I’ve hated it for a long time but kept doing it to keep the peace and also out of duty. We’ve been in couples counselling and I also see someone 1 on 1. I am now ready to bring up the topic of separation as I see no other way out. I’m having all of the same thoughts as you, though. He also claims to love me, in fact I think he is almost slightly obsessed with me which is also really strange. He’s got me up on a pedestal and can’t understand why I’m ‘doing this to him and the children’. In our case I realised through counselling that he does not really see me as a person, I think I am more of an object/trophy wife who has provided a lot for him - financially, emotionally, socially…

Anyway, I’m rambling a bit now but I just wanted to say you’re not alone. Have a read of ‘too bad to stay, to good to leave’ which you can find as a PDF online. That opened my eyes especially regarding the sex.

@Mumof3confused

I’m in a very similar position to you. I’ve realised through therapy that being turned off by my H is a symptom of other problems in our relationship which I had not even realised were an issue before. I always thought that we simply had differing sex drives. He has even packed me off to the GP to get my hormones checked a few times, as there ‘must be something wrong with me’ but I know deep down there is nothing wrong with my sex drive. I’ve also been subtly coerced into having sex with him (he huffs, puffs, sulks and ‘struggles to sleep’ if he doesn’t get it regularly). I’ve hated it for a long time but kept doing it to keep the peace and also out of duty. We’ve been in couples counselling and I also see someone 1 on 1. I am now ready to bring up the topic of separation as I see no other way out. I’m having all of the same thoughts as you, though. He also claims to love me, in fact I think he is almost slightly obsessed with me which is also really strange. He’s got me up on a pedestal and can’t understand why I’m ‘doing this to him and the children’. In our case I realised through counselling that he does not really see me as a person, I think I am more of an object/trophy wife who has provided a lot for him - financially, emotionally, socially…

Anyway, I’m rambling a bit now but I just wanted to say you’re not alone. Have a read of ‘too bad to stay, to good to leave’ which you can find as a PDF online. That opened my eyes especially regarding the sex.

The "struggling to sleep" thing is something my husband does too! Although only fairly recently. I don't understand it, he would be exhausted after barely getting any sleep and he would still have that on his mind. I ended up feeling pressured to do something because I was worried he'd make himself ill even though I just couldn't understand it myself. Surely exhaustion just takes over everything at some point! I'll definitely have a look at that book, I've heard a few people mention that. My husband is in complete disbelief that I've "completely changed" how I feel and it's really hard to say to him that deep down these feelings have been there for a long time, just very deep down to the point where I didn't want to believe it so ignored them I think. I don't want him to think that our whole relationship has been a lie because that's not what it feels like to me. It feels like I was content in something that I now no longer am. We've always had a bit of an imbalance sexually and it's something we've talked about throughout our relationship and we've both just thought it was me. I hope your conversation goes okay, it can't be easy. We've had multiple conversations about it and I always just feel like I don't have an option to leave because of our child. I am starting to see things differently though now. It's so good to feel like I'm not the only one to have felt like this!

Had (another) chat about everything with my husband tonight. It's very clear that we'll never be one of those couples who "agree" to separate. He's very much against that even though he's obviously not happy either in the situation. I've suggested we do a kind of trial separation (difficult living together but just sort of no obligations/expectations and to stay out of each other's way etc) for a week or so. No idea if it will change anything. Won't really be that different! I find that when we have these chats I always feel so much guilt about our child possibly being an only child/going between 2 parents even though our current situation is I'm sure more damaging to him because he's not seeing 2 happy parents. At the moment one of us is always down while the other is "up" (today I was but I think I just focussed so much on our son, he's such a happy boy it usually rubs off on me) But my husband was very down and kept saying it wasn't so much about the situation with us, he was feeling down about the way he looks (something he mentions A LOT at the moment and is something he really needs to work on himself but at the same time I feel guilt about it, and I'm not sure if he's doing it for that reason?). I've never been negative about the way he looks. I do realise now that I probably haven't been as physically attracted to him as I'd like but that's a difficult thing to say outright!

@Blueuggboots I am feeling this fact feeling at the moment. Before we lived together our relationship was so alive, fast forward to house and kids and it’s like I don’t exist apart for him to want sex with me when he’s pissed, get the hump when I refuse and make me feel like it’s my fault and does fuck all around the house which just makes me stressed out and feel like I’m here for everything but been his partner.

OP I hope you’ve aired your feelings to him, maybe a trial separation? A bit of space might ignite the spark, or it will show you you want more xx

How young is your child OP?

I found my libido non existent when my ds was young, it took until he was nearly 3 before it came back (along with broodiness) I’ve now got Dd and it’s gone again.

I have no interest what’s so ever and was really worried the first time that I was out of love with my DH (the fact his life hadn’t changed much and mine was drastically different didn’t help either)

I’m much less worried this time and have no intention of feeling guilt either. I’m sure my interest will come back.

Any chance it’s just hormones, being touched out, breastfeeding affecting how you feel?

What about additional financial costs having a trial separation?

Is it easily affordable and how would it be done practically and who will pay for it?

Many people in a similar situation or with other not much abuse issues don't leave because they can't afford it and don't want to start living from middle class feeling poor class /poverty/financially struggling feeling.

Of course, financially it's never much of a problem for well-off people.