Sex with husband makes me feel upset

[treasure47]

Has anyone experienced this? He's not forceful or pressuring at all but I think deep down it just doesn't feel right to me. We're going through a tough time at the moment (possible upcoming separation) and there are other issues but I find that this plays on my mind a lot. I think deep down this feeling has always been there to some extent but I've pushed it down and ignored it. I think I always assumed I just wasn't that sexual a person but I'm not really sure if that's true. I feel like I have to force myself to do anything sexual with him. For context we've been together for a long time and he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

My husband also feels I have ‘suddenly changed’. For me it’s more of a wake up call. We came out of the baby years, then the pandemic hit and I felt like I could see things clearly. It’s just a realisation more than anything. I suppose I’ve been sticking my head in the sand also. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for a few months now. I suppose it has been a trial separation (although the official line is that I sleep here because he snores). We’ve not had sex since September or so. I thought perhaps the break would make me miss him or something but it hasn’t. I’ve got no desire to go back to sharing a bed again. If it wasn’t for the kids I wouldn’t hesitate to just move out.

@Mumof3confused

My husband also feels I have ‘suddenly changed’. For me it’s more of a wake up call. We came out of the baby years, then the pandemic hit and I felt like I could see things clearly. It’s just a realisation more than anything. I suppose I’ve been sticking my head in the sand also. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for a few months now. I suppose it has been a trial separation (although the official line is that I sleep here because he snores). We’ve not had sex since September or so. I thought perhaps the break would make me miss him or something but it hasn’t. I’ve got no desire to go back to sharing a bed again. If it wasn’t for the kids I wouldn’t hesitate to just move out.

Could have written this myself! That's exactly what it feels like, a wake up call. And that's such a difficult thing to 1. Acknowledge to yourself and 2. Explain to people! When I try to explain he almost acts as though I've made a choice to feel differently and then I start to just feel stupid and like I have no control over my own life anymore. I think I got married when I was feeling so low in self confidence and just wanted to feel safe and secure. I was happy at the time but I now wish I hadn't got married as I feel like I've made a promise I can't keep. We sleep in separate beds now and I don't miss him at all. I feel quite anxious when we sleep in the same bed and also find myself getting irritated at every little sound he makes which isn't fair to him really. I never used to be able to sleep on my own but now I have absolutely no problem! How old are your children? Are they picking up that things aren't right?

@Spottybotty20

How young is your child OP?

I found my libido non existent when my ds was young, it took until he was nearly 3 before it came back (along with broodiness) I’ve now got Dd and it’s gone again.

I have no interest what’s so ever and was really worried the first time that I was out of love with my DH (the fact his life hadn’t changed much and mine was drastically different didn’t help either)

I’m much less worried this time and have no intention of feeling guilt either. I’m sure my interest will come back.

Any chance it’s just hormones, being touched out, breastfeeding affecting how you feel?

This is what I was going to say. I don’t think any significant relationship decisions should be made in the first two years or so after the birth of a child.

@Spottybotty20

How young is your child OP?

I found my libido non existent when my ds was young, it took until he was nearly 3 before it came back (along with broodiness) I’ve now got Dd and it’s gone again.

I have no interest what’s so ever and was really worried the first time that I was out of love with my DH (the fact his life hadn’t changed much and mine was drastically different didn’t help either)

I’m much less worried this time and have no intention of feeling guilt either. I’m sure my interest will come back.

Any chance it’s just hormones, being touched out, breastfeeding affecting how you feel?

He's 3 in a few months. I did wonder if it was that but I've never had the biggest libido anyway. It did come back (a little bit) around a year and a half after he was born but then just kind of dwindled again. I think what's more worrying is that I just feel like I don't enjoy spending time with him. If I did and I just didn't feel like having sex then I'd probably worry less. Plus I've had underlying doubts for years really

@Mumof3confused

My husband also feels I have ‘suddenly changed’. For me it’s more of a wake up call. We came out of the baby years, then the pandemic hit and I felt like I could see things clearly. It’s just a realisation more than anything. I suppose I’ve been sticking my head in the sand also. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for a few months now. I suppose it has been a trial separation (although the official line is that I sleep here because he snores). We’ve not had sex since September or so. I thought perhaps the break would make me miss him or something but it hasn’t. I’ve got no desire to go back to sharing a bed again. If it wasn’t for the kids I wouldn’t hesitate to just move out.

The polly5go reply was me (OP), had changed username and forgot to change back!

What does everyone think this result is asking for a friend

Honestly treasure47, if you actually know what you want, what is the point of stringing him along like that?
A trial separation might be useful if you wanted him to change - be less lazy or something - and were showing him how serious things were, to make him pull his socks up.
But what happens after the trial separation? You get back together again, except you're now both even more pissed off with the whole thing? And during the separation? He gets to sit there feeling depressed while you supposedly decide whether you want him or not, even though you already know? While you get to sit there feeling guilty for longer? Everything stays up in the air longer?

Of course he doesn't want to end it. My husband was cheating on me, but I still didn't want to end it at first, as I didn't want to be dumped! No-one likes that.
You want to end it, is that right? Sitting around wallowing in guilt is making things worse for you both. How about you rummage down the back of the wardrobe for your big girl pants? Appointment with a therapist to deal with your guilt issues, appointment with a lawyer to work out the details of divorce?

@ravenmum

Honestly treasure47, if you actually know what you want, what is the point of stringing him along like that? A trial separation might be useful if you wanted him to change - be less lazy or something - and were showing him how serious things were, to make him pull his socks up. But what happens after the trial separation? You get back together again, except you're now both even more pissed off with the whole thing? And during the separation? He gets to sit there feeling depressed while you supposedly decide whether you want him or not, even though you already know? While you get to sit there feeling guilty for longer? Everything stays up in the air longer?

Of course he doesn't want to end it. My husband was cheating on me, but I still didn't want to end it at first, as I didn't want to be dumped! No-one likes that.
You want to end it, is that right? Sitting around wallowing in guilt is making things worse for you both. How about you rummage down the back of the wardrobe for your big girl pants? Appointment with a therapist to deal with your guilt issues, appointment with a lawyer to work out the details of divorce?

Yeah I think you're right. It seems like he just can't accept it and whenever I try to say it and make a final decision he sort of is in such disbelief I end up relenting a bit. I know I need to be strong and brave. He's not a bad person but in all honesty he isn't really doing anything to make an effort on his side. He goes on about how he hates his appearance but never does anything about it and I feel like if he can't even love himself how does he expect someone else to? It's just added guilt on top of more guilt. I already do most of the housework/childcare. I work 3 days a week and each day I manage to get up and get myself and our son ready for nursery and do the drop off without any help really. Obviously it is easier if I can leave him to watch our son whilst I get ready but I'm finding I can manage without. I find myself questioning what I'm actually getting out of this relationship. Sorry, just be thinking out loud

Yes, it sounds like you need to do something else other than talking to him about wanting to end it, as that's not moving things forward. He doesn't have to accept it, or believe you. You've been fair by telling him what's going on so it's not a total shock.

Obviously if you were uncertain, I'd give different advice, but you do seem to know what you want. The pps' point about not making a big change shortly after having a baby is good, but your answer to that seems very rational.

My exh put on quite a lot of weight over the years, and hated his appearance by the time we broke up. But I'd always found him attractive, and told him so, and we'd always had regular sex, so he couldn't blame me for his feelings about his apppearance. But he found other stuff to make me feel guilty about instead!

To play the armchair psychologist (i.e.possible total bollocks warning), could it be that your dh feels unattractive, thinks that might be one reason why you don't fancy him, so is defensively trying to suggest that you should like him despite his appearance, or that his issues are somehow your fault, as he doesn't want it to be his fault if you are leaving?
In any case, I wouldn't mention that you never fancied him ... not necessary, surely.

At the moment, him being disbelieving and sad is working, and that's a lot less effort than pulling his weight with childcare and housework
When that stops working he might try harder, but tbh I don't see what you are getting out of this at the moment. Plan your split carefully and then get it done.

@ravenmum

Yes, it sounds like you need to do something else other than talking to him about wanting to end it, as that's not moving things forward. He doesn't have to accept it, or believe you. You've been fair by telling him what's going on so it's not a total shock.

Obviously if you were uncertain, I'd give different advice, but you do seem to know what you want. The pps' point about not making a big change shortly after having a baby is good, but your answer to that seems very rational.

My exh put on quite a lot of weight over the years, and hated his appearance by the time we broke up. But I'd always found him attractive, and told him so, and we'd always had regular sex, so he couldn't blame me for his feelings about his apppearance. But he found other stuff to make me feel guilty about instead!

To play the armchair psychologist (i.e.possible total bollocks warning), could it be that your dh feels unattractive, thinks that might be one reason why you don't fancy him, so is defensively trying to suggest that you should like him despite his appearance, or that his issues are somehow your fault, as he doesn't want it to be his fault if you are leaving?
In any case, I wouldn't mention that you never fancied him ... not necessary, surely.

I have felt indecisive for a while but I think that's mainly because of the upheaval it would cause/impact on other people/fear etc etc. i think I know how I feel about him. I care for him but I just don't want to be with him in that way. I haven't said explicitly that I don't fancy him. He's always been more "in to" me than me him and that's nothing new really but now he seems like he's believed all along that I've felt strongly attracted to him. There was a moment last night during the conversation when I realised that he isn't necessarily going out of his way to change and I think because I blame myself entirely I haven't seen that before. I know being down about your appearance isn't an easy thing to overcome but only you can drag yourself out of that and I don't think it's right to get all your validation from someone else on that front. Not only that but there's the general helping out more which seems to change a little for a while but doesn't last

He's on the defensive and it's worth remembering that when he presents his arguments for why you're wrong about leaving.
You don't have to make him see the truth. You don't have to tell him all your reasons for leaving. However cleverly you argue, he's pretty likely to still come up with his own narrative in which his pride remains intact, and you might look like a dick. If you break up, you don't have to agree. He doesn't have to believe your narrative and you don't have to believe his. It's hard to give up control in that way, but when you do manage to let go of it, it's much less stressful.

@ravenmum

He's on the defensive and it's worth remembering that when he presents his arguments for why you're wrong about leaving. You don't have to make him see the truth. You don't have to tell him all your reasons for leaving. However cleverly you argue, he's pretty likely to still come up with his own narrative in which his pride remains intact, and you might look like a dick. If you break up, you don't have to agree. He doesn't have to believe your narrative and you don't have to believe his. It's hard to give up control in that way, but when you do manage to let go of it, it's much less stressful.

That's a really good point and not something I ever thought about. I end up just feeling so guilty about everything and like I have to explain myself and give reasonings. sometimes the way he talks about it it's as though I've made a choice to feel like this. There is a part of me that thinks he'd be okay with me being unhappy, as long as I stayed because he'd think/Hope in time I'd feel differently. He's even said as much but acknowledges that it's not right to feel like that. If we didn't have a child everything would be much easier. But it's a horrible thing to feel like you have no choice and that's how I've felt most of the time.

He makes no effort and is no help.

Makes no changes but shuts you down with guilt?

I think you are well and truly done.

You don't have to make him understand, you just TELL him what is happening.

Your marriage is over and you need to deal with the practicalities.

If he cared he would have made an effort instead of whining.

Move forward, guilt free.

It's really hard. You have to make a conscious effort to let go, and them think what they think, without engaging with it.
There's a lot of pressure to "do the right thing", but that doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself. Many people divorce. You can still try to do the right thing while divorcing - making sure your dc gets to see both parents regularly, has a stable routine, feels wanted and loved, no badmouthing ... maybe you could move the conversation towards how you are both going to achieve that?

One of the biggest lessons people need to learn in relationships is that it always takes two people's consent to start a relationship but it only takes one person's consent to end it. That narrative is polluted a lot by the media and messages from parents. But it's true. He doesn't have to agree to end the relationship.

I end up just feeling so guilty about everything and like I have to explain myself and give reasonings. sometimes the way he talks about it it's as though I've made a choice to feel like this. There is a part of me that thinks he'd be okay with me being unhappy, as long as I stayed because he'd think/Hope in time I'd feel differently
I think fundamentally he's OK with you being unhappy because he's happy. And he sees his happiness/comfort/wellbeing as more important than yours.
This is the kind of corrosive thing I meant upthread. You can spend many years twisting yourself in knots understanding his point of view - but he's not doing the same so its unbalanced and you lose out.
He doesn't necessarily hope things will change so you feel happier. He maybe hopes things won't change to inconvenience him. Sorry

@ravenmum

It's really hard. You have to make a conscious effort to let go, and them think what they think, without engaging with it. There's a lot of pressure to "do the right thing", but that doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself. Many people divorce. You can still try to do the right thing while divorcing - making sure your dc gets to see both parents regularly, has a stable routine, feels wanted and loved, no badmouthing ... maybe you could move the conversation towards how you are both going to achieve that?

I've said that I want to be okay with each other for our child's sake. He often says that he wouldn't want to be friends with me and that it wouldn't be amicable. I think in time it would, he's just letting his emotions get the better of him but it still makes me sad. I think just because 2 people can't be in a romantic relationship doesn't mean they can't still get on, at least enough for the sake of their child. To me it would be so sad for things to end bitterly when there's really no need.

@AdamRyan

I end up just feeling so guilty about everything and like I have to explain myself and give reasonings. sometimes the way he talks about it it's as though I've made a choice to feel like this. There is a part of me that thinks he'd be okay with me being unhappy, as long as I stayed because he'd think/Hope in time I'd feel differently I think fundamentally he's OK with you being unhappy because he's happy. And he sees his happiness/comfort/wellbeing as more important than yours. This is the kind of corrosive thing I meant upthread. You can spend many years twisting yourself in knots understanding his point of view - but he's not doing the same so its unbalanced and you lose out. He doesn't necessarily hope things will change so you feel happier. He maybe hopes things won't change to inconvenience him. Sorry

This is such an interesting way of looking at it, I think you're right. He's always had a fear of embarrassment and I think he'd feel embarrassed by this, by people knowing. Obviously we can't understand it completely from each other's point of view but yeah sometimes it seems he isn't even trying to see if from my side at all. He still says "love you" and I stopped saying it because it was starting to feel like I was just saying it because I had to, and I didn't mean it the way he meant it but that hurts us both when he says it and I can't say it back. There is a bit of subtle coercion going on, I can see it now.

Please get some counselling for yourself. This is dangerous to be doing with people on the Internet, but I think you really could benefit from talking this stuff through in q safe space.

@AdamRyan

Please get some counselling for yourself. This is dangerous to be doing with people on the Internet, but I think you really could benefit from talking this stuff through in q safe space.

Thank you, I'm going to look into it.

I could have written so many of your posts, almost word for word. We did have counselling and it really clarified everything for me. I now know that separating is the right thing to do. It’s a process you need to go through, LTB is so much harder than it’s made out to be on Mumsnet! Counselling does help, though.

@AdamRyan

I end up just feeling so guilty about everything and like I have to explain myself and give reasonings. sometimes the way he talks about it it's as though I've made a choice to feel like this. There is a part of me that thinks he'd be okay with me being unhappy, as long as I stayed because he'd think/Hope in time I'd feel differently I think fundamentally he's OK with you being unhappy because he's happy. And he sees his happiness/comfort/wellbeing as more important than yours. This is the kind of corrosive thing I meant upthread. You can spend many years twisting yourself in knots understanding his point of view - but he's not doing the same so its unbalanced and you lose out. He doesn't necessarily hope things will change so you feel happier. He maybe hopes things won't change to inconvenience him. Sorry

Unfortunately, I think that @AdamRyan is correct on this one. I felt the same about my husband. He felt ok about me being unhappy because he was happy; perhaps not happy, but content. While I tried to change myself to accommodate his needs, to understand his point of view, anticipate his reaction to things, he did nothing. He just went on about his day as if all was well… for decades. He did not want to change anything because it would inconvenience him. When I finally came to him and TOLD him (not ask him), told him I wanted to separate, he was shocked. “Where did this come from”, he was asking, it was all so sudden for him. I tried to be civil, calm and composed and did not want to allow him to suck me into yet another argument, so I said nothing. But I really wanted to scream: “Seriously, I have been trying for years, to get my point across, to start a conversation, make a change, and you did nothing.” Now, that I came at the end of my ropes and do not want to wait for him to wake up any more he is surprised!!! He was not surprised I was feeling miserable, he was surprised that I was actually doing something about it.

My ex wants nothing to do with me either. We are civil and our separation is going fairly smoothly, but we have minimum contact. He has moved out in August of last year and since then he does not want to do anything together, which I do not mind to be honest, but for the sake of the kids, I wanted us to have birthday and holiday dinners together. Thankfully my kids are all grown up (only one is a minor), so we do not have much to communicate abut and kids are not upset about all this.

I wish you good luck OP and yes, do get some counseling. If it was not for counseling, I would probably still be stuck in my marriage and/or lose my mind. It helped me understand what is going on, make decision, execute it and move forward. You will need all the help you can get for the next little while.

@Mumof3confused

I’m in a very similar position to you. I’ve realised through therapy that being turned off by my H is a symptom of other problems in our relationship which I had not even realised were an issue before. I always thought that we simply had differing sex drives. He has even packed me off to the GP to get my hormones checked a few times, as there ‘must be something wrong with me’ but I know deep down there is nothing wrong with my sex drive. I’ve also been subtly coerced into having sex with him (he huffs, puffs, sulks and ‘struggles to sleep’ if he doesn’t get it regularly). I’ve hated it for a long time but kept doing it to keep the peace and also out of duty. We’ve been in couples counselling and I also see someone 1 on 1. I am now ready to bring up the topic of separation as I see no other way out. I’m having all of the same thoughts as you, though. He also claims to love me, in fact I think he is almost slightly obsessed with me which is also really strange. He’s got me up on a pedestal and can’t understand why I’m ‘doing this to him and the children’. In our case I realised through counselling that he does not really see me as a person, I think I am more of an object/trophy wife who has provided a lot for him - financially, emotionally, socially…

Anyway, I’m rambling a bit now but I just wanted to say you’re not alone. Have a read of ‘too bad to stay, to good to leave’ which you can find as a PDF online. That opened my eyes especially regarding the sex.

Very similar story with me. So glad I’m not alone with the same thoughts! I ended my marriage in the end - felt a huge sense of relief.

@NorthGirlie I’m surprised to find so many are having the same issues. I ended up asking for a separation yesterday. It isn’t a really terrible marriage but I could see myself becoming more and more resentful if I stayed.

How long ago did you separate and how are you now?