Sex with husband makes me feel upset

[treasure47]

Has anyone experienced this? He's not forceful or pressuring at all but I think deep down it just doesn't feel right to me. We're going through a tough time at the moment (possible upcoming separation) and there are other issues but I find that this plays on my mind a lot. I think deep down this feeling has always been there to some extent but I've pushed it down and ignored it. I think I always assumed I just wasn't that sexual a person but I'm not really sure if that's true. I feel like I have to force myself to do anything sexual with him. For context we've been together for a long time and he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Do you get turned on by other people or by sexy films/books ?

I do but not massively, but I think I probably haven't really explored that side of myself fully.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I've never had strong sexual urges towards him the way he has towards me.

You really need to split up. You can't have sad, shit sex for the rest of your life.

Have you ever felt the proper rush of sexual attraction for anyone?

I think I have but tbh I've struggled with self confidence in the past. I used to have a fear of being alone or starting something new with a new person so I think that might have blocked anything like that with anyone else. I don't feel like that so much anymore. I still feel fear but not as much. Maybe I'm having some kind of sexual awakening in my 30s 😅

Maybe I'm having some kind of sexual awakening in my 30s

It's entirely possible. And healthy.

Stop having unwanted sex. Then you can explore your feelings a little bit. Maybe you'll feel that way towards your DH once you're not having unwanted sex. Probably you won't. But you may well do for someone else.

TMI alert. When I left my exH I had a couple of relationships with men who weren't suitable but were seriously attractive and good shags. Very educational.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Maybe I'm having some kind of sexual awakening in my 30s

It's entirely possible. And healthy.

Stop having unwanted sex. Then you can explore your feelings a little bit. Maybe you'll feel that way towards your DH once you're not having unwanted sex. Probably you won't. But you may well do for someone else.

TMI alert. When I left my exH I had a couple of relationships with men who weren't suitable but were seriously attractive and good shags. Very educational.

That's interesting! I can imagine different experiences would be eye opening for me (possibly, no guarantees I know!)

You got together with him when you were very very young.

People change.

I think moving forward with your separation will be a positive thing for you both.

@billy1966

You got together with him when you were very very young.

People change.

I think moving forward with your separation will be a positive thing for you both.

I actually do too, he just doesn't see it at the moment. He deserves someone who gives him as much love as he gives back and I want that for him.

I fell asleep once whilst my husband had sex with me......that kind of got the point across to me.
A lot of the reason I didn't find him attractive was his useless attitude to everything around the house.

I stayed in a marriage like this for years. It was torture for me as I couldn’t have sex with him at all in the end. It was very obvious that I wasn’t attracted to him in a sexual way but, like you, had been inexperienced when I married him. Our marriage was sexless for over a decade. We lived like brother and sister. I felt bad wanting to move in when we had two kids. I was a woman full of passion and attractive ( still am) but stuck with a man I wasn’t attracted to who was also extremely boring sexually and gave no affection (not even verbally). I struggled for years but accepted it was the decision I had made on our wedding day. However, mid 40’s and menopause hit abruptly. Made me slightly crazy and sex drive went through the roof. I still couldn’t go near him and ended up with someone else eventually. It shook my world and woke me up. This man is still in my life but nothing will come of it but it has made me realise how bad my marriage was. Yes, I ended it. I had to. I feel like I am grieving for something I have never had.
Basically, you need to accept he isn’t for you and move on. Don’t stay like I did! Those feelings never change!

That should say that I felt bad wanting to move on !

@Blueuggboots

I fell asleep once whilst my husband had sex with me......that kind of got the point across to me. A lot of the reason I didn't find him attractive was his useless attitude to everything around the house.

Haha wow! Yeah I'm with you there on the laziness thing. I find laziness such an unattractive quality and unfortunately he is a bit lazy. He just lacks that sort of get up and go (even though he has bursts of it, it doesn't last long)

@NorthGirlie

I stayed in a marriage like this for years. It was torture for me as I couldn’t have sex with him at all in the end. It was very obvious that I wasn’t attracted to him in a sexual way but, like you, had been inexperienced when I married him. Our marriage was sexless for over a decade. We lived like brother and sister. I felt bad wanting to move in when we had two kids. I was a woman full of passion and attractive ( still am) but stuck with a man I wasn’t attracted to who was also extremely boring sexually and gave no affection (not even verbally). I struggled for years but accepted it was the decision I had made on our wedding day. However, mid 40’s and menopause hit abruptly. Made me slightly crazy and sex drive went through the roof. I still couldn’t go near him and ended up with someone else eventually. It shook my world and woke me up. This man is still in my life but nothing will come of it but it has made me realise how bad my marriage was. Yes, I ended it. I had to. I feel like I am grieving for something I have never had. Basically, you need to accept he isn’t for you and move on. Don’t stay like I did! Those feelings never change!

This is so interesting and helpful to hear of a similar story! I think deep down I know what I need to do. I've spent over a year wrestling with the guilt and worry about the effect it'll have on our child but I also think that if not now, it could happen at a later time when our child is older and could impact him more, and when we're both older, and I don't want to feel like I've wasted either of our time. I kick myself for not realising sooner that things weren't fully right but I also wouldn't change anything because having a child really has changed me for the better, I believe.

Dear OP, I am much older then you and I lived like this for a very, very long time. For me this started very early on, after our first child (we have three). Perhaps I had PD or some hormonal imbalance, but I personally think that it was all due to issues I had with him outside of bed. We were not matched very well and I suffered emotionally, mostly in silence for years. We finally separated last year, by the way, after being together for twenty five years.

I cannot explain why I just let it be like that. I did not question it, did not try to fix it, I just accepted it. Our sex life was all over the place, very irregular. I was not into it and I felt bad for my, then husband and now ex, so most times I would make an effort, but it was very difficult. He could tell of course if I was not into it and this would make him really upset, naturally. I had to try really hard, to make sure I am enjoying it as much as possible. I know this sounds ridiculous and I have no idea how I did it and for that many years.

Having sex when you do not feel like it and with someone you are not attracted to, for whatever reason, is very, very hard. It is like being raped every time, but you cannot really blame the person as you are doing it to willingly.

Please leave!!!! You are soooo young, your whole life is ahead of you. You deserve to be happy and satisfied in every aspect of your life. I wish you all the best.

Obviously it’s over, it would be best for you both if the separation moved along. I understand you’ve got things to work through, but that’s not his problem - not calling it isn’t fair on him.

Can you move forward to making some plans, pull all your finance info and go and see a solicitor next week to get a sense of how it can be split up. And then tell him what’s happening. (And obviously don’t have sex with him again.)

@movingon2022

Dear OP, I am much older then you and I lived like this for a very, very long time. For me this started very early on, after our first child (we have three). Perhaps I had PD or some hormonal imbalance, but I personally think that it was all due to issues I had with him outside of bed. We were not matched very well and I suffered emotionally, mostly in silence for years. We finally separated last year, by the way, after being together for twenty five years.

I cannot explain why I just let it be like that. I did not question it, did not try to fix it, I just accepted it. Our sex life was all over the place, very irregular. I was not into it and I felt bad for my, then husband and now ex, so most times I would make an effort, but it was very difficult. He could tell of course if I was not into it and this would make him really upset, naturally. I had to try really hard, to make sure I am enjoying it as much as possible. I know this sounds ridiculous and I have no idea how I did it and for that many years.

Having sex when you do not feel like it and with someone you are not attracted to, for whatever reason, is very, very hard. It is like being raped every time, but you cannot really blame the person as you are doing it to willingly.

Please leave!!!! You are soooo young, your whole life is ahead of you. You deserve to be happy and satisfied in every aspect of your life. I wish you all the best.

Reading your reply made me feel quite emotional. I've been beating myself up for a long time over why I feel like this, and I think for a long time I accepted things as normal or something I could be happy with when really they're not (or not something I could be happy with long term anyway). We have had lots of happy times together and there have been times I've felt happy and content in the relationship but something has definitely shifted. I feel as though we have different interests now so don't have much to talk about apart from our child, and some of the things he's interested in I find so boring. I think in the past we've been better matched in other areas (similar interests, sense of humour etc) so the imbalance in the sexual side of things didn't seem like as big of a deal. I also think coming from a broken family and seeing my mum have multiple bad relationships with awful (sometimes abusive) men always made me look at my partner and think that I had a good man who cares for me, why would I give that up? Anyway, babbling now but it really helps to talk about it with people completely outside of my situation - wish I'd done this sooner! Thank you for your reply 😊

@Luredbyapomegranate

Obviously it’s over, it would be best for you both if the separation moved along. I understand you’ve got things to work through, but that’s not his problem - not calling it isn’t fair on him.

Can you move forward to making some plans, pull all your finance info and go and see a solicitor next week to get a sense of how it can be split up. And then tell him what’s happening. (And obviously don’t have sex with him again.)

I've spoken about how I'm feeling with my husband a lot so he's not completely in the dark about it. I think I do have a plan in my mind - now it's just about whether I can be brave enough to follow through with it!

You need to talk honestly with him. He’s unlikely to be sexually satisfied either in the relationship be if you’re not keen for whatever reason. He may want out too, but some men feel bound by marriage vows. If you set him free you can probably both be happy with something else. Or if you both want to salvage things get some couples therapy?
It is (of course) possible there’s a third party who he’s interested in already who you don’t know about (might be emotional or physical). That may be the whole issue.

OP - I understand how you are feeling about potentially leaving a good guy, it’s hard to justify. But you deserve to live a life that is happy in every way.
Life really is short, and you don’t get a second go 💐

You've mentally and emotionally checked out . It's the ick !

My husband was a good man too. I just knew ‘the feeling’ wasn’t there. And, I certainly wasn’t turned on by him.

OP could you consider counselling (just for you) to get some support in

1. Becoming empowered to only look after your own feelings and not feel responsible for the happiness of another human being.

1. Being able to move forward with your plan, whatever that is, hopefully to move forward with the separation, so you can go on to live a fulfilling life where you don't need to feel forced into a physical relationship out of duty.

Imho I think you should stop any sexual activity, you’re obviously not enjoying it how you should be. Sex should be so much fun, enjoyable and you should feel excited about it. It might be a lot of other things on your mind which effect your sexual balance.
You mentioned all the crazy things going on in the world over the last few years ( along with other things) so it could be a good idea to get some couples counselling? You might end up with a much better relationship with you actually feeling your full sexuality and being able to get real fulfilment.
I would definitely try it if you love him and want to work on it x if deep down you actually don’t fancy him properly and never have then you should give both of you a break and call it quits. It’s not fair on either of you if one ( or both of you) aren’t fully into the other.
The only way is up 😉 or go your separate ways xxx
Good luck

@daisychain01
I had counselling and spoke to my GP. Both concluded the marriage was over and it was cruel to both of us for me to stay when ai felt the way I did. I think if something is in your heart, and you know things aren’t right, it sits there eating away at you until - one day - something snaps.

My Fwb made me realise we'd drifted apart and sexually arent compatible but he's an amazing dad and if he was doing the same I really wouldn't mind.

How about giving him the opportunity to not mind instead of you using it as permission to lie to him.

Everything about your post is about you and shows a complete lack of respect for your partner.

We haven't had sex for a while but I've done things (for his benefit because I felt pressured to basically).
This is concerning me. Plus a lot of your posts come across to me that you feel he's more than you deserve. I wonder if there's a dynamic to your relationship where he's guilt tripped you into sacrificing your own wants and needs for his. That can be very subtle and its corrosive too, as basically your subconscious will try to alert you that it's damaging. That could be why you don't want sex.

I might be barking totally up the wrong tree, but I think if any of that rings bells, it's probably worth some counselling to try to uncover what's going on.

he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa
My exh was my first; he was slightly more experienced, so although I enjoyed sex, I always thought of myself as less "good in bed" somehow, and thought that that was why I didn't like more than a couple of positions.
After we broke up, like a pp, I went for a couple of super-unsuitable men, and discovered that in fact, I'm great in bed, my exh was much less experienced than I had thought, and if someone is generous with foreplay, there are loads of positions I love. And this is well beyond my 30s!
Still with the last unsuitable man :)

I kick myself for not realising sooner that things weren't fully right
You know how you look at your child and feel loving and forgiving when they make a mistake, because you know they are young and it's normal? Try thinking of yourself when you were younger (or even now) from the same perspective: imagine putting an arm around yourself, giving yourself a cuddle, and saying that it's OK.