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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex with husband makes me feel upset

135 replies

treasure47 · 03/02/2022 14:36

Has anyone experienced this? He's not forceful or pressuring at all but I think deep down it just doesn't feel right to me. We're going through a tough time at the moment (possible upcoming separation) and there are other issues but I find that this plays on my mind a lot. I think deep down this feeling has always been there to some extent but I've pushed it down and ignored it. I think I always assumed I just wasn't that sexual a person but I'm not really sure if that's true. I feel like I have to force myself to do anything sexual with him. For context we've been together for a long time and he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

OP posts:

Original poster

treasure47 · 21/02/2022 08:38

@ravenmum

The steps you have to take do seem scary. But you know how it is: when something is totally new and unknown, it all seems so much to take in. But when you look at it again even just a week later, it is already a bit more familiar and you do start to get a better overview.

It's interesting to see this from your point of view, as you are doing what my exh didn't do. He didn't tell me how he was feeling, he didn't discuss what we could do about it, he didn't look into the options for ending our marriage in a controlled manner. He is indecisive enough not to be able to choose a meal in a restaurant, so it was no surprise, but I did blame him a great deal for not being braver, and using an affair to get me to end it, which was obviously messier. It's helpful to me to understand how hard the decision must be.

Yes that's true. It seems slightly less daunting than a week ago (only slightly though!). My main concern is where I'd live. We have a lovely house in a nice area and we'd have to sell it and I'm not sure where I'd end up. I think if I had an idea of that I'd feel better? Maybe I should speak to a solicitor to see what options would be? Not even sure if that's who I'd need to speak to about that! I can't imagine how awful that must have been for you, if you didn't know how he felt before then! I couldn't imagine doing that. My husband was shocked when I first brought things up about a year and a half ago but I've realised I have buried a lot of feelings because I've wanted to be happy and I didn't want to believe that I wasn't as happy as I could be. I was happy though, I think I just need more/different things now. He can't understand why being unhappy in my relationship would make me unhappy in life... I would hate for it to get to the point where something like an affair could actually happen. He said in a way that would be better because then he could hate me 😔

OP posts:

ravenmum · 21/02/2022 09:00

He can't understand why being unhappy in my relationship would make me unhappy in life
You really think he is so lacking in empathy and a basic grasp of how humans work that he doesn't understand that?

He said in a way that would be better because then he could hate me
Well, it is kind of better in some ways I guess! I had no doubts as to whether I should leave my exh or not. Wasn't very nice for the kids, though, as there was no warning, and the atmosphere was horrific. And shit for my self-esteem; in that respect your husband really does not know what he is wishing for.

Original poster

treasure47 · 21/02/2022 09:11

@ravenmum

He can't understand why being unhappy in my relationship would make me unhappy in life You really think he is so lacking in empathy and a basic grasp of how humans work that he doesn't understand that?

I just think he's thinking about how devastated he's feeling more than about how I'm feeling. If he stops to think about it I think he does see things from my perspective a bit. Maybe I'm asking too much for him to understand from my side.

Yeah I'd hate for anything like that to happen and for him to hate me. My parents broke up when I was young but they always got along quite well which made such a difference. His parents also separated when he was young but it didn't end well (his dad had an affair) and things weren't good at all between his parents growing up.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 21/02/2022 09:20

I get along OK with my exh now to be fair. But the kids are older so we don't have to see each other.
Maybe have a chat with your mum and dad? It must have been hard for them too; they just managed it better. Sounds like they could have some advice?

Original poster

treasure47 · 21/02/2022 09:35

@ravenmum

I get along OK with my exh now to be fair. But the kids are older so we don't have to see each other. Maybe have a chat with your mum and dad? It must have been hard for them too; they just managed it better. Sounds like they could have some advice?

I have spoken to my mum about it and she's been supportive although it's difficult for her as she's quite close to my husband (sees him as another son!) so I don't think she'd want us to break up really but at the same time she wants me to be happy. I haven't spoken to my dad about it (he doesn't live in this country) - I'm not sure why. I think I'm worried I'll disappoint him.

OP posts:

Original poster

treasure47 · 21/02/2022 14:18

Also, re. scary steps - I've been quite lucky in my life so far that I've never had to go through anything particularly difficult (no heartbreak/breakups - husband is the only partner I've ever had!), nothing really challenging like that so maybe that's why I feel the fear more. Some days I just feel like I won't be able to get through it (sounds dramatic I know!)
But I know I need to realise that it will be far from easy, it will be difficult and stressful and awful but the long term might work out to be great. I saw something a few weeks ago that said rather than avoid painful feelings, to lean into them and allow yourself to just feel them as they are. Makes a lot of sense. Just not easy in practice! 😅

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ravenmum · 21/02/2022 14:30

I do feel a lot better equipped and tougher now that I have gone through it. And part of the healing process has been examining the painful feelings. It is much better than ignoring them.

Original poster

treasure47 · 21/02/2022 14:45

@ravenmum

I do feel a lot better equipped and tougher now that I have gone through it. And part of the healing process has been examining the painful feelings. It is much better than ignoring them.

That's really good. I guess you're on the other side of my situation though as you say! I'd hope of course that it would work out well for everyone involved in the long run.

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airforsharon · 21/02/2022 22:53

Yes, it was a mutual decision. There was a bit of 'limping along' that went on for a while, then we had words one evening and i just said 'right, that's it, i'm done' and it was like a cloud lifting. He agreed to move out, i was happy to give him plenty of time to find somewhere suitable so he stayed on for another couple of months while he sorted things out. Tbh we got on better during that time than we had for ages. Dcs see a lot of him & we still do family stuff together - trying to force a relationship that just wasn't going to thrive long term wasn't making either of us happy, and now that's over we've a good, solid friendship & parent well together.

annoyedasf · 21/10/2025 21:13

I’m aware this is a couple of years old, but I could’ve written this thread myself. I just wondered what happened op? I hope whatever the outcome that you are much happier now!

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