Sex with husband makes me feel upset

[treasure47]

Has anyone experienced this? He's not forceful or pressuring at all but I think deep down it just doesn't feel right to me. We're going through a tough time at the moment (possible upcoming separation) and there are other issues but I find that this plays on my mind a lot. I think deep down this feeling has always been there to some extent but I've pushed it down and ignored it. I think I always assumed I just wasn't that sexual a person but I'm not really sure if that's true. I feel like I have to force myself to do anything sexual with him. For context we've been together for a long time and he's the only person I've ever been with and vice versa. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

@Mumof3confused
We separated properly (as in live apart) a year ago but I’d emotionally checked out of the marriage two years before that and was doing my own thing and sleeping apart from him then. It was awful for me tbh. He was oblivious to my feelings. I resented it.
I’m waiting for the divorce to be finalised as we are still waiting for the settlement figure to be set but I am planning on buying a new build and starting afresh with things. I think my feelings are bitterness to what I have missed out on and the fact I lives that life to keep others happy and didn’t think of myself. I should’ve acted on my feelings years ago. Being so inexperienced when I married him I didn’t realise what it was supposed to be like.

[quote Mumof3confused]@NorthGirlie I’m surprised to find so many are having the same issues. I ended up asking for a separation yesterday. It isn’t a really terrible marriage but I could see myself becoming more and more resentful if I stayed.

How long ago did you separate and how are you now?[/quote]
@Mumof3confused How did the conversation go?

Why would you be having sex with someone when you're considering separating. If you're at that point presumably you've concluded you're not in love any more or have insurmountable issues. Don't force yourself any longer!!!

Not sure if anyone is still watching this thread but I had a conversation last night with my husband and he said we'll discuss logistics etc of separating tonight.
Yesterday I felt so down (have for weeks) and I was at home with our son and I felt like I wasn't "there" enough for him because I was just in my own head thinking about everything. I'm tired of feeling like that. My husband has been a lot more positive and happier the last few days, but I've been the opposite. When I told him last night that I was really unhappy he asked why (I've explained multiple times) I said it's because I don't love him the way he loves me. He then asked why that would make me unhappy! I start to feel as though I have no right to be unhappy.
He says he wants me to be happy but sometimes the things he says don't show that. He gets annoyed that he thinks I've "settled" throughout our relationship and now it seems like that's what he wants now because it means I don't leave. I understand he's upset though and isn't going to just accept it.
I feel absolutely terrified of the future and logistical side of things (selling the house etc), it all feels a bit overwhelming. But the thought of feeling the way I do now forever feels the same.
I'm still not sure if I'll be able to go through with it - it's obviously easier to stay but I'm not sure what the quality of our relationship would be if I did stay. I'm heartbroken for our son really. I feel like a failure.

You aren't a failure. That sounds horrible. You basically tried to tell him how you felt and he shut you down.
Have you thought about a counsellor at all?

@treasure47

I think you're right. I think what I'm struggling with is I'm questioning have I really repressed my emotions so much over the years (in which case I feel like a terrible person), or is this just a case of growing and changing/individual wants and needs are different. I know only I can answer that though!

It doesn't matter. You don't have to deal with last year, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. You only have to deal with how you feel now.

That way, you'll be fixing the problem as soon as you've spotted it, and therefore have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You'll also be in a strong position to recognise and respect your feelings in the future. Let yourself off the hook. Everybody's recognised a feeling long after it started, at some point, it's perfectly natural.

Sorry, I haven't RTFT, but didn't want to pass by without saying this. You could spend years beating yourself up and staying miserable, or you could simply accept that you've done a very human thing. We can't choose what to feel, or when to recognise the implications.

@AdamRyan

You aren't a failure. That sounds horrible. You basically tried to tell him how you felt and he shut you down. Have you thought about a counsellor at all?

In the back of my mind I'm worrying that I'm making a huge mistake but I'm not sure if it's normal to feel like that in this situation. I have thought about counselling but I think I'm a bit nervous to do it! I probably should though.

Thank you @Watchkeys - very good advice. I have thought to myself that I can either recognise the fact that I haven't been fully true to myself and move forward changing that or I can continue to do that and just bury my true feelings 😕

Have you been sexually attracted to anyone? You could just be someone who doesn't like sex, nothing wrong with that. Either way you and your husband are not eight for each other. Don't look at it as a failure, look at it as a way of freeing yourself and your husband to meet people you can really care for, or maybe for you just to find out what you want in life.

@inheritancetrack

Have you been sexually attracted to anyone? You could just be someone who doesn't like sex, nothing wrong with that. Either way you and your husband are not eight for each other. Don't look at it as a failure, look at it as a way of freeing yourself and your husband to meet people you can really care for, or maybe for you just to find out what you want in life.

I have. I'm still not really sure how much of a sexual person I am but I think the older I've got I feel like I'm more than I think I am, or that I just haven't been with the right person in that way. The only way to know for sure though is to have an experience with someone else obviously! And it could be exactly the same I suppose.

He will have his own narrative, and it may paint you as horrible - not caring so feeling happy, having been lying to him for years, whatever. It's his defence mechanism as he does not want it to be his fault. Not that he's sitting down and working out a story; it's just his brain furiously trying to make sense out of what is going on in a manner that protects his self-esteem. Our brains are good at that. That's how you got into this position.

I know it's hard, but when he comes up with something that feels like a slap in the face, try to remind yourself that it's not about you, it's him working on his defence.

If you find the right counsellor, it can be hugely helpful. I did counselling after my exh's affair and wish I'd had it years ago; it helped me work through not just my marriage but my entire life and personality, or so it felt! And gave me a push in a direction I'm still following, without counselling.

You don't have to do all the logistical stuff instantly. We found an interim solution that gave us both the time to calm down and work out what we wanted in the longer run. And even if you just sort things out directly, honestly it breaks down into a load of smaller steps that just get done.

How do you think you might sort things out, roughly? Could you both have the kids, 50-50?

@ravenmum

He will have his own narrative, and it may paint you as horrible - not caring so feeling happy, having been lying to him for years, whatever. It's his defence mechanism as he does not want it to be his fault. Not that he's sitting down and working out a story; it's just his brain furiously trying to make sense out of what is going on in a manner that protects his self-esteem. Our brains are good at that. That's how you got into this position.

I know it's hard, but when he comes up with something that feels like a slap in the face, try to remind yourself that it's not about you, it's him working on his defence.

If you find the right counsellor, it can be hugely helpful. I did counselling after my exh's affair and wish I'd had it years ago; it helped me work through not just my marriage but my entire life and personality, or so it felt! And gave me a push in a direction I'm still following, without counselling.

You don't have to do all the logistical stuff instantly. We found an interim solution that gave us both the time to calm down and work out what we wanted in the longer run. And even if you just sort things out directly, honestly it breaks down into a load of smaller steps that just get done.

How do you think you might sort things out, roughly? Could you both have the kids, 50-50?

That makes a lot of sense. I think I just don't want him to hate me, and ultimately I don't want to hurt him. Unavoidable though I know. The logistics sounds so daunting but I know we'd have to break it down bit by bit. It would be such a huge change for me (he's all I've ever known really so it would be a huge adjustment) but I can't shake the feeling that that's what I need. Realistically I'd have our son on weekdays as I work part time and my husband works full time and quite long hours (and some Saturday half days) So he'd see him on a weekend, maybe alternate or something so he has some time to himself too. We haven't really discussed that properly yet.

@thepeopleversuswork

Ah, you're seeing someone else. That'll be it then.

You are having sex with another man, you are no longer attracted to your husband.

Your marriage is in crisis: you need to figure out if its worth saving or whether its time to end it, but you need to ditch the FWB because this is massively clouding it.

It's not fair to your husband to try to keep him vaguely sweet while you shag another man. Whether or not your want to try to save your marriage, you owe him that.

That's a different poster.

Don't call yourself names like "failure", in any case, as if you're a failure then so are at least half the population ... "human" is the correct term, I believe :)
I'd encourage you to stay near one another if that's possible, and see if your husband might even change his hours or routine so that he gets more time with your son. My mother moved a long distance when my parents divorced. It meant that I didn't see my dad and spent a lot of time with childminders and family members. That was difficult for me, not the divorce as such; they broke up when I was 4 so I can't remember them not being divorced.
My exh is a workaholic, so it was only after we divorced that he had regular time dedicated to the kids.

@ravenmum

Don't call yourself names like "failure", in any case, as if you're a failure then so are at least half the population ... "human" is the correct term, I believe :) I'd encourage you to stay near one another if that's possible, and see if your husband might even change his hours or routine so that he gets more time with your son. My mother moved a long distance when my parents divorced. It meant that I didn't see my dad and spent a lot of time with childminders and family members. That was difficult for me, not the divorce as such; they broke up when I was 4 so I can't remember them not being divorced. My exh is a workaholic, so it was only after we divorced that he had regular time dedicated to the kids.

Thank you for your kind words! I think because nothing "bad" has happened I just feel so guilty. A lot of people get divorced because their husbands are abusive or something like that, so it's not easy to make peace with it. I feel so exhausted with it all at the moment, I feel like I have no patience with my son and I'm not being the best mum I can be. I know that's the stress of it all though and won't go away instantly. I'm trying to think of the bigger picture/longer term.

We wouldn't move far from each other. I'm not sure he could change his hours although the weekend working would be more of a problem (it's not ideal now and I don't think has helped things)

I guess you could wait until it gets even more shit ... can't recommend it though, from personal experience!

About the logistics. Once you're doing it it isn't SELLING THE HOUSE. It's calling an estate agent, then getting on with life, then cleaning up for viewings, then getting on with life, then accepting an offer, and so on. Everything is bite sized chunks in reality.

So sorry I didn’t see your message last week. I had the conversation about separating with our couples counsellor and it went really well. The counselling has been brilliant, I have to say. Obviously I hoped it would help us find our way back to each other but instead I realised so many things about our relationship. In the end, it became clear to me that we are not right for each other and I managed to pinpoint where and how it went wrong. In the end, we grew apart and I know now that there is no way back. I’m able to leave without that awful feeling that I’m making a big mistake. I have also realised a few things about my husband that I was blind to before. I would recommend seeing someone either together or on your own.

So we had a chat earlier (instigated by me because days had gone by when it hadn't been brought up, even though he said we'd talk about it), and he got quite angry and upset and said we'd end it then. He said that I've been avoiding him for days and tbh I have because I prefer just being alone. I feel strong guilt and fear now that it's not the right decision. I look at our child and just feel terrible that I'm doing this to him. Is this a normal reaction? 😢

Hi @treasure47

How's it going now? Any conversation?

@MrsTerryPratchett

Hi *@treasure47*

How's it going now? Any conversation?

We had another chat tonight, not really sure what the outcome was though really. It's so difficult because we keep coming back to this but whenever the moment arises to just say it, "I want to separate", it's like I can't do it. And I can't tell if it's fear or if I don't want it. I've been looking into the practical side of things over the last week or so (steps to take - contact solicitor, sell house etc) and I'm finding the thought of it so scary! I also keep coming back to our son and just feeling terrible and like I haven't tried enough for his sake, he doesn't deserve this. But other times I'll be on my own with him and he'll seem so happy and I think to myself that he'll be fine as long as he's happy and loved. So, I'm not sure! I'm in constant turmoil! ☹️ If we didn't have a child I'd know that it was the end, and maybe it is. I don't have any desire to be physical with my husband which I know hurts him but it also feels unfair for me to force myself to do something. It's not just the physical side though. He's a good person but he's quite boring at times and whenever I have any free time not looking after our son (rare!) I'd prefer to spend it alone doing my own thing, every time! That's not right either 😕 But maybe I'd be risking it all for nothing!

When I read that back it seems obvious what I should do, but why doesn't it feel so obvious! It doesn't help that he just doesn't really understand and it's not easy to explain without feeling like I'm being mean!

Because it's hard to take steps, to actually do it rather than think it.

And you son will be loved wherever he is. You don't want to spend time with your H at all. That's not a marriage.

Please do arrange to see a counsellor OP, and talk through how you're feeling. It may help you get your thoughts straight & see things more clearly. It might be something that would benefit your dh too.
Fwiw, dh & I separated several years ago. We have 3 dc & they coped brilliantly with the separation, and are happy well adjusted teens now. Ex & I still get on well & he is still very involved with them. So please don't worry about your son. No separation is easy but if you do go down that path in time things will settle & your ds will be happy if his parents are genuinely happy, rather than 'putting a brave face on it'.

The steps you have to take do seem scary. But you know how it is: when something is totally new and unknown, it all seems so much to take in. But when you look at it again even just a week later, it is already a bit more familiar and you do start to get a better overview.

It's interesting to see this from your point of view, as you are doing what my exh didn't do. He didn't tell me how he was feeling, he didn't discuss what we could do about it, he didn't look into the options for ending our marriage in a controlled manner. He is indecisive enough not to be able to choose a meal in a restaurant, so it was no surprise, but I did blame him a great deal for not being braver, and using an affair to get me to end it, which was obviously messier. It's helpful to me to understand how hard the decision must be.

@airforsharon

Please do arrange to see a counsellor OP, and talk through how you're feeling. It may help you get your thoughts straight & see things more clearly. It might be something that would benefit your dh too. Fwiw, dh & I separated several years ago. We have 3 dc & they coped brilliantly with the separation, and are happy well adjusted teens now. Ex & I still get on well & he is still very involved with them. So please don't worry about your son. No separation is easy but if you do go down that path in time things will settle & your ds will be happy if his parents are genuinely happy, rather than 'putting a brave face on it'.

Was it a mutual split with your ex? I think that would make things easier, if we both agreed.