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Original poster

He has another child

138 replies

SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 20:33

I’m really struggling with this and don’t feel like I can talk to anyone irl about it currently.
I recently found out my OH has another child. Child was conceived/born a few years before we were together, from what I gather he was actually distantly in this child’s life (how much I don’t know but I think very little, few times a year type thing) until he just totally turned his back on the situation. I think this was round about when we met. He’s denying paternity (of course) and is claiming he’ll get a DNA test, saying he always had doubts and that’s why he walked away. But, if I’m honest just looking at the child there is little doubt in my mind.
I feel like there’s no way our relationship can continue. This revelation has hit me like a bomb and I just can’t accept the situation and move forward. We have children together too, how on earth do I explain dad has another kid?! And if I was to welcome this child into our home as part of our family then it would be at the sacrifice of my happiness. I can’t do that long term. I know that’s selfish - really fucking selfish but I can’t help how I feel. In turn I can’t be in a relationship with a deadbeat dad who has another kid he doesn’t see, I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. But the bit that is killing me the most is I love him, I want to be with him and I want our family. It feels like a bad dream.

Please I desperately need some advice/support. I can hardly think straight with it, I’m mortified by the situation to tell anyone irl right now and beyond furious that he knew all about this, was part of it then started a family with me and kept it secret.

Also please, don’t turn this into a thread about what a bastard he is or how sad it is for that child. I know all this, my every waking moment has been engulfed in thinking about both these things. He’s the last person on this planet I’d have thought would have done anything like that. I feel like my whole world has been shaken upside down. These so much wisdom and good advice on here, so please pass some on to me. I really need it.

Thanks if you made it to the end

OP posts:
WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 02/02/2022 20:37

Oh you poor thing, what an awful situation. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, just wanted to send good thoughts to you.

Hopefully someone else will be more useful than me xx

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 20:39

If you can, I would find a therapist, just for you. You really need someone to help you work through how you're feeling. How you feel right now may not be how you feel a month from now. Honestly, you're in shock, and I can't blame you.

Livandme · 02/02/2022 20:40

I think you take time to process this and ask him as many questions as you need. How he answers this will help you progress.

Krakenchorus · 02/02/2022 20:44

The problem is that he lied to you. Started a relationship and a family with you while lying.

Even if you could work past that, he also abandoned his child. I assume he has not paid maintenance?

I'm really sorry, OP. That's got to be a shock.

Original poster
SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 20:49

The problem is that he lied to you. Started a relationship and a family with you while lying

Yes exactly

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 02/02/2022 20:52

How did you find out? That may make a difference to how I would feel / deal with it.
Honestly I agree with Aquamarine, you really need to find someone professional to talk it over with.

Riverlee · 02/02/2022 20:52

You say he plans to get dna someday. When?

What were the circumstances of the previous relationship? One night stand? Why doesn’t he think the child is his?

How long have you been together?

Can you sitbdown and make a plan together? Ie. Get a dna test, and then you’ll know where you are.

I agree, the lying is not a good.

SnowWhitesSM · 02/02/2022 20:53

I echo the advice of getting your own therapist.

Don't feel like you have to make any decision right now. Take as much time as you need to process and then decide on a course of action.

frozendaisy · 02/02/2022 20:56

So what is he like with to you and your children as a dad?

Trying to resolve some things, how old was he when the child was born?

Honestly up until the age of certainly 25 if I had of fallen pregnant there would have been no hope in hell I would have carried that child and whilst yes, termination is not to be used as birth control, if a woman wants to keep a child regardless of how much the man is not ready/does not want a child for whatever reason there is nothing he can do about it.

This situation is clearly 50 shades of grey not black and white. But you and your kids may/are likely to be the family he wanted. Don't throw everything away before you explore everything.

Original poster
SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 21:07

To answer a few questions;
They weren’t in a relationship, casual sex a few times.

I found out because I saw things on an old phone when having a clear out.

From what I grasp she’s never been willing to consent to a DNA test, they were never exclusive so I don’t think she could really be 100% he was the father and maybe didn’t want the embarrassment of saying he was then it being proven he wasn’t at the start (he knew through mutual friends she had been seeing other people at a similar time) but to look at the child there’s so little doubt in my mind. And the fact he was involved to begin with, surely that would never happen if he genuinely didn’t believe he wasn’t the father? Reading between the lines I suppose this would make sense why she’s never reached out for regular maintenance payments. I really don’t know how he’d go about getting a DNA if she refuses.

I think he didn’t want it to be true so buried his head in the sand and ignored the situation hoping it never came back up, theoretically we could continue to do that but morally I just couldn’t. It’s not right.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 21:08

I’m also not naive to ignore the fact that given he lied about the whole situation to start a family and not tell me, there’s every chance he’s still being untruthful about details now.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 21:09

You say he has another child, but the fact is you simply don't know if that's even true.

Original poster
SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 21:12

@frozendaisy
He’s a doting father to our children and good to me, I suppose that’s why it’s shocked me so much. How can someone who adores their children so much have another child who they don’t even see?
Yes he was early 20s at the time. My take is that he’s not wanted a child in those circumstances to the point he’s totally convinced himself he isn’t the father. He was immature and didn’t know how to deal with the situation so literally just didn’t. How selfish.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/02/2022 21:13

It is what it is. No your DH shouldnt have lied to you and kept this child a secret but he did. Up to you whether you can move on from this. I wouldnt end a marriage for this reason alone.

Original poster
SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 21:13

@Aquamarine1029
I really fear being outing but I’m stating the big facts, the small details that I won’t post leave little doubt in my mind. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
TallulahHula · 02/02/2022 21:13

Before you uproot your family's life you need to know for certain. A DNA test is the only way.

I can see why you're upset, it must be a huge shock. But all of this could be for nothing.

You obviously need to be prepared for both scenarios if he does do the test and I agree a therapist might help you feel clearer about your own feelings.

Is he a good dad/husband?

Original poster
SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 21:14

@Viviennemary
If you don’t mind me asking, what would your next steps be if you would stay? I’m so lost

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2022 21:19

I'd be discussing with him how you can proceed as a family acknowledging the existence of the child. So literally make plans and what ifs for what would work.

Scenario 1: the mum is happy to allow her dc to get to know his dad and sibs. What would that look like? What could you cooperate with?

Scenario 2: the mum is keen to deny any connection between them, and for things to remain as they are.

Thrash out the scenarios. The conversation itself will help you work out how your relationship should progress, even if the situation with the DC doesn't come to anything.

SheRasBra · 02/02/2022 21:19

So sorry OP. This is incredibly tough on you. I would echo what others have said and maybe get some therapy that will enable you to talk some of your feelings through privately to help make sense of this mess.

His primary mistake was not using contraception if he wasn't ready to be a parent. Much of the rest of it was then out of his hands. He could go to court to force a paternity test if he was seeking visitation rights but of course he could then be asked for maintenance. This would answer the question of his parentage definitively and you could go from there.

CloudPop · 02/02/2022 21:23

Are you financially dependent on him ?

Allpenguinsarepingus · 02/02/2022 21:26

How old is this child now OP? If they are already a teenager for example, then any possible relationship with your family is going to look very different to if they are only 5years old.
Also, an 18yr old could consent to their own dna test.
You don’t have to make any instant decisions here. Nobody is asking for any kind of contact at the moment. You just found out about a child who may well be your Hs. So you can sit on this and think about it for a while. Give it a few weeks to sink in, find someone to talk to about it (counselor is a good idea). Then start thinking about what you want to do in 3 months or so.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/02/2022 21:28

What a shock. I am really sorry OP.

However, I’d just let this settle, don’t go rushing off to make big decisions, and don’t just assume it’s the end of your marriage, it isn’t necessarily, and this is bound to freak you out. There is no urgency, take a step back, breathe.

I’d echo those saying arrange a counsellor, you need space to talk it through.

Conversations with him will likely be a series of smaller conversations, not a huge showdown. You need to find out what was going on in his head through the years, what the relationship the woman was and how he came to step away.

It sounds like you were happy with him as a husband and father till now, so I wouldn’t assume that can’t continue.

It sounds like he made some mistakes but it may also be the mother didn’t want him in her life. People do stupid things when they are young and have to live with the consequences. Life is not perfect. There may well be a way everyone will want to move forward.

Hdhr8jsj · 02/02/2022 21:33

You need to know the whole truth before you decide what to do. Starting with if this his child or not.

Original poster
SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 21:34

My two main issues are
A) morally knowing he has a child who he doesn’t acknowledge whatsoever/contribute towards.
B) if everything was to be ignored for now, the child could one day decide to reach out at 18 or whenever that may happen. I’ve no idea how my DC would act and if they were outraged (which I would have been if it was my DF) how do I explain to them I knew and kept quiet. Him doing so has made me feel like this, how would it make them feel?

The child is preteen, ours together and early primary school/nursery age.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadanddWorried · 02/02/2022 21:36

I think a counsellor would be good, I hadn’t thought of that

OP posts:
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