He has another child

[SadanddWorried]

I’m really struggling with this and don’t feel like I can talk to anyone irl about it currently.
I recently found out my OH has another child. Child was conceived/born a few years before we were together, from what I gather he was actually distantly in this child’s life (how much I don’t know but I think very little, few times a year type thing) until he just totally turned his back on the situation. I think this was round about when we met. He’s denying paternity (of course) and is claiming he’ll get a DNA test, saying he always had doubts and that’s why he walked away. But, if I’m honest just looking at the child there is little doubt in my mind.
I feel like there’s no way our relationship can continue. This revelation has hit me like a bomb and I just can’t accept the situation and move forward. We have children together too, how on earth do I explain dad has another kid?! And if I was to welcome this child into our home as part of our family then it would be at the sacrifice of my happiness. I can’t do that long term. I know that’s selfish - really fucking selfish but I can’t help how I feel. In turn I can’t be in a relationship with a deadbeat dad who has another kid he doesn’t see, I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. But the bit that is killing me the most is I love him, I want to be with him and I want our family. It feels like a bad dream.

Please I desperately need some advice/support. I can hardly think straight with it, I’m mortified by the situation to tell anyone irl right now and beyond furious that he knew all about this, was part of it then started a family with me and kept it secret.

Also please, don’t turn this into a thread about what a bastard he is or how sad it is for that child. I know all this, my every waking moment has been engulfed in thinking about both these things. He’s the last person on this planet I’d have thought would have done anything like that. I feel like my whole world has been shaken upside down. These so much wisdom and good advice on here, so please pass some on to me. I really need it.

Thanks if you made it to the end

Oh Op, I am so sorry, you must be devastated. I echo the others who have said to get counselling for yourself.

I wonder if the child has a father figure. It seems strange that she wouldn't consent to a DNA test. If she was sleeping with other men is it possible she took one of them on as the father. At this stage I wonder if your DH pursuing DNA, maintenance, contact etc would do more harm to the child than good. In fairness to your DH I wouldn't pay for or forge a bond with a child I wasn't sure was mine.

I know you said that you don't want this to become a thread about what a bastard he is. But I think you're creating an elephant in the room. Because it's that single enormous fact that you're struggling with.

I agree with the suggestion that you find a counsellor to work through these geelings, and take as much time as you need

So, yes- he may have been 'young' when the child was born. He isn't now.

He's had an awful lot of time to do the decent, grown up thing, and attend to his responsibility.
He hasn't done this- in over a decade.

HE hasn't followed up with a DNA test.
Has HE ever checked to see if the mother was ok financially?
That was the absolute bare minimum he could have done, and he hasn't.

All while lying to you.

@SadanddWorried when I started reading this thread I was confused and had a moment of - did I post this thread and not remember??? It's more common than you think and I have lived this exact scenario. If you are like me, you will be feeling conflicted - sorry for the child but also like you need to protect your own children....worried about him turning up on the doorstep one day....worried about his turning up with a massive claim for £££ on your husband's death. Hating yourself for resenting the child too. It's a mess and we never got past it. (Turns out it was one of many secrets, but that's my story!) I get how you feel but there are no answers I can give as it's all about you and how you feel. Try not to do anything knee-jerk - give yourself time to go through all the emotions and process properly. Finally, and I'm not being goady here, a lot of men just don't feel that biological bond to kids they have fathered, so try not to project YOUR feelings towards your children when you are wondering about his actions/involvement.

Yep.
Dealbreaker.
It would be over right now for me.

Is he on the birth certificate?

Either way, he needs to be pursuing the DNA test immediately.
And I do think you should look at going to therapy.

This child exists, and trying to ignore that fact won’t make it go away. It would be good if you could get to a place where you were okay with that, and the potential of your children having a relationship with their half-sibling.

I do feel sorry for you, OP. Finding out that your partner has hidden something so enormous, and that he’s chosen to live a lie and shirk his responsibility for years must be a massive shock.

But at the end of the day I feel more sorry for the child. You’re both victims of this man’s selfishness, but you’re an adult who can learn to confront these feelings and have some control over the situation. Please don’t put any of your feelings of betrayal onto your children’s half-sibling.

I realise that’s easier said than done, which is why I think you need a DNA test and a therapist as soon as possible.

Sorry but I think you need a diff Perspective on all this.

Yes it is difficult accepting he bore a child before you met. For whatever reason, he walked away from that and decided to build a life with you not knowing. And as far as you have expressed sounds like you two have built something worth holding on to. What good would come out of throwing all that away? Because of his own wrong decision, are you willing to add to the situation, and destroy everything you have toiled for all this time?

You are basing the decision on your happiness, which tbh is selfishness, the kid is there, he/she cannot be erased and soon enough you will face even harsher judgement when everyone else understands that you allowed your emotions cloud your judgement.

Not everyone has a chance to create what you already have. Find a way to merge the kids now and put everything in the past, we all make sacrifices in life, this shouldn’t cost you your family.

What @Norwolf said.

@BedisBliss
Yes you’ve summed up my thoughts and feelings perfectly. I suspected I wasn’t the first, and won’t be the last woman in this situation.
I’d love to move forward but I just don’t know how I can. As bed said if I was to essentially ignore it I would be forever waiting for that knock at the door and I think it would destroy me. If he accepted the child and started to build bonds then I really don’t think I would ever be ok with the situation, forever bubbling away under the surface and that’s not fair on anyone.
Yes it’s sad for the child but my priority is me and my children, our happiness matters too. I can’t control that child’s life but I can control the home life of my children.

I think your second post where you explain they were an casual non exclusive relationship and she has always refused to allow a DNA test does go someway to explaining things.
I am guessing you think this child is his because of their looks? Its not always the case. My b'n'l married a single mum and her son was very young. He choose to start calling my b'n'l dad and completely grew up thinking he was my b'n'l's son (which is not something I thought was a good idea but it was non of my business). This boy looks more like my b'n'l than his biological child does. Everyone assumes it is his biological son. Unfort the boy found out as an adult he was not and obviously its been very upsettting for him,

Financially I’m 99% sure he does not contribute (can’t say 100% about anything anymore). I’m not sure why she hasn’t pursued it. She has another child who’s father isn’t on the scene, maybe if he doesn’t contribute she’s just accepted that’s how it is. I don’t really know.

You need DNA test to know for sure, it will help both of you to move forward. I agree with @ittakes2 that you can’t draw conclusions from the looks.
Yes, it’s wrong morally that your DH kept this secret from you but it’s understandable because of the circumstances. The fact that mother denied him DNA test strengthened his view that the child’s not his. I can see his logic.

If it turns out this child is his, what would you be okay with?

Him paying maintenance?
Him visiting the child in a third location?
Him taking your kids to meet the child?

This is why I think therapy is a good idea. You say now you don’t think you’d ever be okay with this child being a presence in your family’s life but you could cause yourself a problem with your own children when they grow up and find out that both their parents just wanted to pretend the half sibling didn’t exist.

I’m sure the feelings must be overwhelming right now, but try not to lock yourself into the idea you’ll never be okay with it. You may well be able to work through it with a professional.

And if I was to welcome this child into our home as part of our family then it would be at the sacrifice of my happiness

Why? What about the poor child? Yes your situation is bad, but the child probably feels worse about it.

@SnowWhitesSM

Tbf to OPS dh, he wanted a dna test and was refused one. What else was he meant to do? Pay and support a child that may not have been his after shagging the mum a couple of times. I don't mean to be crude but really, what else could he have done?

The source of this information is the lying, denying, minimising husband. I'd take anything he says at this point with a huge pinch of salt.

I have a friend who had an affair. She got pregnant and the child is mixed race. Her DH to his eternal credit accepted the child and brings her up as his own. The difference here is my friend was honest, they obviously went through an emotional rollercoaster but they came through it. Their existing child also accepted their new sibling, and they live happily as a family.

I would like to think in your situation I would have the courage to behave as my friends DH, and reach out to the child, and try to pave a way for them to be involved in the family.

Children are more resilient than we think, and can be incredibly adaptable. Children are also very aware of blended family's and absent parents.

The deception though is something I'm not sure how I'd react to. Id be devastated, and whether I could get past that I can't answer.

But these things do happen OP. It's probably more common than we know.

You might never know. It doesn't sound like the mum is going to allow the dna test, I personally think it's unfair on the boy to go to court with gcse and teenage stress. Imagine being a teen boy and finding out your mum doesn't know who your dad is. That's going to set his world spinning.

It might be your dh has to plan how to speak to him when he's 18 and finished his a levels.

Your post is contradictory. On one hand you’re disappointed because he’s a deadbeat dad, but then you say you can’t accept his child into your family, so neither of you look good in all this. If you really dislike his deadbeat dad status, then wouldn’t you want to encourage him to have a relationship with his estranged child? Both as bad as each other.

If he accepted the child and started to build bonds then I really don’t think I would ever be ok with the situation

Ignoring the lying (which is a whole different massive issue) what are the feelings above related to?
The fact that the child is your oh's?
The fact your children will have to share?
Something else?

If you split up chances are new partner will have children and you will end up in a blended family. You or your current oh might go on and have more children with someone else, would that be harder to live with?

Is he talking to you?

It’s really not as simple as that is it?
You can mourn your life and not want to change it whilst simultaneously understanding that your partner should have a relationship with their secret child.

Stop being so judgemental @Livelovebehappy

@Lalliella the child might not even know, he may have a stepfather who is 'Daddy' to him. None of this is the OP's fault, she doesn't need people coming on here berating her for her feelings. At this moment in time, it's fine and natural for OP to process her own feelings and those of her children before she considers those of a child who may or may not be her husband's.

Instead of all this angst why dont you take the first step which is to get a DNA test done

Then move on from there. He obviously didn’t think the child is his, so why would he tell you?

@Livelovebehappy

Your post is contradictory. On one hand you’re disappointed because he’s a deadbeat dad, but then you say you can’t accept his child into your family, so neither of you look good in all this. If you really dislike his deadbeat dad status, then wouldn’t you want to encourage him to have a relationship with his estranged child? Both as bad as each other.

No it isn't. It's not OPs job to encourage a grown man to not be a deadbeat dad ffs.

Ermmm, if OP left and then became a part of a blended family atleast that would be on her terms and be her choice instead of it being thrust upon her by her lying DH.

OP, ever so sorry! You must feel like your life is crumbling around you, if this was me I couldn’t come back from the lying, I’d be absolutely heartbroken, your whole relationship was basically built on a lie and I’m guessing he would have continued lying to you to if you hadn’t of found out yourself.

Also, there is no excuse really, he should have gone to court for DNA, if he knew it was a possibility that he was the father, you don’t just walk away and pretend they don’t exist.

If it was me I would want proof that he had tried to pursue dna test and offered maintenance if dna test was positive and that the mum had declined.
That would be a first step.

I’d worry that he’s lying about that too.

Only way this would be ok-ish (maybe) for me is if he was very regretful and righted things now with maintenance and offering contact.

If the mum is genuinely refusing then that might also be a different story but it would seem surprising.